2021 resistance

I feel helpless a lot. I feel defeated often. The pandemic is still raging on with the new Delta variant. Fox is gaslighting it’s viewers and telling bold face lies. That is nothing new actually, but they are more brazen in what they lie about! (hint: the election being stolen) Donald J Trump is holding rallies to continue to build on his fascist movement. Talking heads in powerful positions are following him blindly (probably blackmailed by Russia kompromat *looking at Mitch, Lindsey, and Kevin*). Our planet is in peril with the climate crisis. Voting rights are being attacked again. There is so much to discuss, but this post is going to focus on the threat of fascism in our country right now. Please read, get involved, and help save America!

A lot has happened since my post on 2020 resistance. I was correct in being alarmed & having the foresight that Donald Trump was not going to leave office in the usual manner we have witnessed for generations over the history of our country. There has ALWAYS been a smooth, peaceful transfer of power…

until January 6th, 2021…

Until Donald J Trump that is. He railed on about how the election was stolen to his zombie followers, and they believed him. They believed him even after several states investigated and did audits to prove that the election of 2020 was the most secure election we have ever had. That happened because people turned out like NEVER before! It wasn’t close enough to fudge the numbers this time, and he was so upset about that. He’s a narcissist so that shouldn’t surprise anyone. He is a demagogue so his refusing to concede shouldn’t have surprised anyone. We have witnessed throughout history what these figure heads do in order to maintain power, or to take power.

The insurrection that happened on January 6th should not have surprised anyone either, but majority of the nation seemed stunned that the insurrection happened at the capital. He stood at a podium behind a bullet proof shield and told his followers to march down to Congress, and for them to stop the steal. Mo Brooks stood there shouting about the day was the day that they were taking names and kicking ass. All the while he wore bullet proof jacket underneath his clothing. People were stunned that these things happened, but they shouldn’t have been! Donald Trump told us in 2016 he was a nationalist. He told us who he was every damn time he urged his followers to use violence against black people like we did in the good ole days he would say. He told us who he was when he made fun of a disabled reporter, when he urged men to belittle women, when he declared that news media that was critical of him were the enemy of the people, he spent so much time showing us and telling us who he really is, yet here we are, people still want to play out this shock and awe reactionary process. We don’t have time for that folks.

We do not have time to be shocked and analyze the mental faculties of Donald J Trump, his family or his supporters. He will be the nominee in 2024. He has a real chance of winning by any means necessary. Kevin McCarthy is helping him build a larger base with his own subtle ways of expressing misogyny, his subtle way of expressing his conspiracy support for the big lie (the election being stolen), and he isn’t the only one doing these things to help ensure Donald J Trump will, in fact; be the next GOP nominee in 2024. The days of traditional conservative values that were less fascist no longer exist folks. We do not have time to sit and try to convince you the parallels between Donald J Trump and Adolf Hitler; or the parallels between the GOP and fascism. We need you to read, and learn where you can, and listen! We need to focus our support on the news media outlets who are actually calling this out by name for what it really is because truth is the most important thing in the fight against fascism. It is important to share knowledge about fascism and educate the populace, so everyone is aware what is actually happening. Every person needs called out by name, and immediately put in the spotlight for their corruption, their lies, their tendency towards violence, and their gaslighting! It has to be called out every single time! Nothing these fascists do should surprise anyone if people know the history of how Adolf Hitler rose to power.

If we know how Adolf Hitler used Germany’s system against itself to gain absolute power over the people then we should be seriously evaluating and fixing our own system to prevent anyone from achieving that goal. We know Donald J Trump will use the system to gain control because he already tried to do so when he told the DOJ to just say the election was rigged, and he tried to use his Vice President Mike Pence to nullify the election. These are not unprecedented events in our country, though people seem to think they are. We had eleven states secede from the United States in 1860 after Lincoln was chosen for the presidency. What Donald J Trump and the GOP are doing right now is not unprecedented, so try and stop being shocked because we need all hands on deck here. Accept reality that this is happening, we were warned from history lessons, and the reality of what was to come was spoken from the horse’s mouth Donald J Trump when he said, “I’m a nationalist!” in 2016.

Things we need to evaluate and bring immediate change too while Joe Biden has the power of the senate is the electoral college. We need to seriously think about how easy it is for them to be corrupted and cast votes for a candidate that the population did not choose (popular vote should win & G. W. Bush is example of a corrupt electoral college). This also reminds us that the Supreme Court needs expanded (G.W. Bush appointed to presidency by SCOTUS ruling) to ensure justice is upheld. A stacked court is not a just court. Another focus is the media! We need to support media telling the truth, and we need to strip the media outlets who are gaslighting viewers while spreading dangerous propaganda in their place on cable. There should be more than 6 media companies controlling our information!Information is power! We need to join forces with those we may not have been too keen on joining pre Trump like The Lincoln Project or MeidasTouch. We need to urge those with name recognition, ability to raise funds for ads, etc. We need to support journalists like Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, Stephanie Ruhle, Rachel Maddow, Nicole Wallace, Katie Tur, etc. We need to lambaste every anchor on Fox like Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, etc. for being liars, and fascist.

We can’t continue to be afraid to use this term fascist because not using it confuses the public about what is really happening. It allows people to be manipulated when the phrases “they’re being hyperbolic,”and “this is nonsense,” are being used. This works because many people do not know what fascism is! It is just a catch phrase thrown around for most people. Most people have no idea what fascism is or how it differs from socialism, communism, etc. This is where people like Jake Tapper, etc. needs to use their voices to educate people on what fascism is and point out that the GOP is; in fact, using fascist tactics to gain power in our country right now. Yes, you will have to wear two hats now. A journalist hat and a teacher’s hat. I know it isn’t fair, but you’re the guardians of democracy; with that comes great responsibility and unfair expectations at times. Suck it up and get your two hats on because you’re patriots. You’re real patriots.

When you educate the population about what fascism is and lay out what the GOP are doing, it clearly shows that this is not hyperbole, or paranoia on the resistance (ANTIFA) side. These are some things that Germany lacked when they began their resistance fight trying to stop Adolf Hitler from gaining power. They appeased him because they thought they could control him. They didn’t have social media to help combat the false narratives used by the Nazis. They didn’t have televised anchors to brutally point out the facts and point out the fascist tactics that were used. They didn’t have history to compare what they were facing to help them decipher how dangerous these appeasements were for them. They didn’t have mass media groups to help spread information like MeidasTouch or Lincoln Project. WE DO!! We must utilize every tool available to us to help shine a light on what Donald J Trump, Kevin McCarthy, Ted Cruz, and all the other figure heads of this fascist movement are doing to attain control. We need to fix parts of our system that are supposed to provide us with checks and balances that have failed us previously. Electoral college (abolish it), the Supreme Court (expand it), news media (strip labels from news sources who are actually entertainment like Fox Entertainment), call out fascists by name, and shine a light on the tactics they’re using (Kevin McCarthy using misogyny and wanting to normalize beating women) compare these tactics with specific tactics used in Nazi Germany so people can understand what the fuck is happening. I wish I was as eloquent as Steve Schmidt, but here we are. I am doing my part to attempt to stir a passion in you about the importance of what is happening, so that maybe you can join the fight happening right now in this country. This is what I can do right now to help resistance. I can write, perhaps not as well as many, but I can share information. I can donate to groups like Lincoln Project and MeidasTouch because they need money to get ads televised. There is so much we can all do that will make a difference! This isn’t a training exercise America. This is a real fight against fascism happening in real time! Please suit up and join the ranks of resistance. We need you!

The Closing Chapter con’t…pt 3.

It was July 2004 when we got married in Ohio. Our daughter was 4 years old. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. I was doing this huge thing for all the wrong reasons. I was keeping up some sort of promise I made because of this code I held deep inside of me that was tied to my religious upbringing, I went through with it because the bills were paid for all the wedding items, the dress was bought and paid for, the invitations were sent, the cake was made and paid for, my family was all set for the day, I was sick and needed insurance, and I thought it was the best thing for my daughter. It ended up being a long abusive marriage that should not have taken place.

Early 2005 my leg and back problem had progressed to the point where I couldn’t walk anymore. I got out of bed one morning and couldn’t walk. I went into the clinic immediately. It was at that time when I found out that there was a tumor that had been growing on a nerve next to my spine, and a tarlov cyst also growing next to that tumor that would require surgery. In September 2005 I went in for surgery with the belief that the tumor would be removed, and my problem would be fixed, and life would return to normal.

Nothing ever goes as planned, especially in my life! The tumor was not surgically removable; in fact, the surgeon did something he wasn’t supposed to do, and he left me with permanent nerve damage in my right leg. He also drained the tarlov cyst and wasn’t supposed to do that, so it grew back larger. I was permanently disabled, and when he came into my room to inform me of the news after surgery I thought for sure I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was devastated. The next few years I tried to adjust to this new lifestyle.

He was out drinking A LOT. I was alone taking care of my daughter. He pushed the few friends I had away. I became a babysitter while he went and partied, a maid for him, a cook, and I had no life outside my home or my daughter. When physical therapy finally helped me to walk and drive some he became possessive, jealous, and made me feel guilty, or bad for wanting to join him in his life, or for wanting to start having my own life outside the house. I had decided to join politics. I was passionate about that, so I dived right in. I joined a chat room to help me have some sort of social life. He made that dirty. He accused me of chatting with men and made me feel bad for having that too. I eventually gave that up too. Year by year I allowed him to isolate me a little more.

2007 came and I ended up pregnant with our second daughter. We bought our first home. I worried this was a huge mistake too. I knew deep in my gut that we were doomed. I had been thinking about leaving him for years and contemplating how to formulate a plan on leaving him. I went and got my GED because I knew whatever I was going to do, if I was going to do it, I knew I would need that GED. When would be a good time? How would I financially be able to do it? I calculated numbers all the time. I could never see the way out. The only family I had was a brother. Two years turned into four. Four years turned into five.

2012 I had finally hit rock bottom. I was abusing opiates for years. I was contemplating suicide. I knew I was wasting potential and I knew that there was more to my life than sitting at home raising kids. Over the years I had gave up painting, drawing, writing, music, dance, and the goals I had for myself were kept on a shelf, so I could please him. I wanted something more, so I shared what I was feeling and thinking with him. He was in the basement, he called it the “man cave,” and I went down to him and said, “We need to talk.” I was crying in my fluffy pink housecoat. My hair was long then and it hung down over my face. It soaked up some of my tears as I sat looking at him in the corner at the computer desk. “I’m depressed. I’m contemplating driving my car into the local Caribou. There has to be something more to life than what I’m doing. There has to be something I can do. There are people who have no arms, no legs, and they do spectacular things with their lives…I think I want to go back to work or school. I was a great student…” he cut me off and his reply to me was, “You can’t even clean my house the way I like. What makes you think you can go back to school?” Those words still cut into me like a razor blade down the side of my throat.

A week later I had a job driving school bus. I set a goal that if I could drive bus and physically be capable of doing that for two years I would apply to the local community college. Over those passing years the verbal abuse and mind-fuck I lived with was constant. He continued to stay out drinking often. I had to tolerate his drunk friends being at my house and his best friend disrespected me often when he was over drunk, and sometimes he would try to advance on me. My life was turmoil. I was working the bus driving job, I was basically taking care of my kids on my own, doing the house stuff on my own, I did the remodeling needed in the house, I repaired the car when it needed it. I really began to think why did I need a man? He only showed me affection when he wanted laid, and our relationship felt more like a roommate type set up. When you’re not getting affection you’re not going to want to have sex with your man. He often accused me of cheating, or chatting online with men, and this led me to wonder what he was doing while he was out. As I started to wonder about what he was doing, and his past bullshit of coming home with another woman’s jeans on, I began asking him the same questions. The entire fucking relationship was fucking chaotic bullshit now that I reflect back. There wasn’t anything healthy about it at all.

Two years and a summer passed, and I met my goal. I applied to the local community college and I was accepted. He wasn’t supportive. He claims today he was, but that is a complete fucking joke. He likes to rewrite history and make shit up about the way things have been. That is the way it is when your dealing with a narcissistic abuser though. My kids are old enough now that they have been able to notice and see the way he is, so he can try to say whatever the fuck he wants. His friends can think whatever the fuck they want. I know the facts. My kids know the facts.

Fast forward to November 2017. I filed for divorce. Things were bad. He was throwing things at me. He was verbally abusing my kids more often. He came home raging around the house every single day. I never knew what was going to set him off. He was more volatile. I knew the next step was physical violence. He had been gas-lighting me for over a decade, invalidating my feelings, projecting on me, and he made me want to kill myself. Unfortunately, my fear about my youngest daughter and his manipulation talked me out of divorce at this time. He made me promises about going to therapy and that he would really work on his issues of control etc. It would be another five months before I would finally file the divorce fee and start the process of getting out of this nightmare. It took a push from someone special to help me do this too. That someone special had to tell me to take a leap of faith and just do it that things would be OK.

The best thing I’ve done was to leave his ass. I’m still working on my main goal, and I will achieve that goal. He might have done some temporary damage, but he didn’t break me. He may have done some minor, temporary damage to my children, but he didn’t break them. We are moving on. We are going to be OK. This chapter is closing and a new one is opening. It feels good not being verbally abused every day, and it feels good not being gas-lighted, emotionally manipulated, controlled, and it feels good that my girls are not being verbally abused every day, and they aren’t being gas-lighted every day, and they are not being emotionally manipulated every day. This new chapter is going to be spectacular.

The Closing Chapter

Most of my readers know I have not had an easy life. Some of you may not. I’ve been molested, sexually assaulted, raped, beaten, and I just recently left a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage of 19 years. (together 19, married for 15). I’m not here intending to complain about the life I’ve lived. I believe that everything that happens to us, happens to us for a reason. The trauma I’ve lived through has helped shaped me. The scars I bare on my heart has made me the open minded, loving, understanding and strong woman that I’ve grown into. I’m still growing. What I intend to do tonight is reflect the last 19 years.

I guess I should start at the beginning…sit back…this might take a while…

I had left my home state that year to live with my older brother. I left my home state to clean my life up from some previous trauma and to get off drugs. While living with my brother I met him. We met online, American Online to be exact. We chatted for about a year and we got to know each other. We had decided to meet outside of chat. He was a military guy. He was kind of shy. He had a sense of humor and we both loved music. Things at my brothers’ place was becoming chaotic. Things were strained in his marriage and I needed to go. He moved me back to my home state, Ohio. He was from Wisconsin. He knew my hometown wasn’t a great place for me and my past drug use, so he offered to move to Wisconsin. We decided to move in together. Off to Wisconsin I went.

What could go wrong? He knew me!  I loved him. Wasn’t it love? I knew what love was! I adored him. I was his best friend. He knew almost every secret I had. We laughed, I loved, we argued, I made up, there was sex, promises, I trusted, and things were great! I spent MY time TOGETHER! My world revolved around him. Nothing could tear us apart! The first two years flew by! The only problem that approached during these two years was I was slowly becoming sick as a tumor grew slowly in my back along with a tarlov cyst.

I can’t be pregnant! There is no way! Doctors told me I couldn’t conceive. He didn’t want to tell his parents. I called back home to tell my mom and she asked if I was happy about it. I told her I was scared and shocked, but I was happy. My family knew about the pregnancy a week before he finally got courage up to tell his parents about it. We finally told his parents…they tried to push us to get married. I refused for several reasons. The first was I had not divorced from the first marriage I fled from (they didn’t know I was married at this point yet), and the second was I didn’t want to marry him just because I was pregnant. I felt like his parents was pushing the idea that we should be married simply because we were having a kid and not because we were in love. When I reached 12 weeks I miscarried that pregnancy. I was pretty upset because I had accepted that I wasn’t going to ever have children, and then I conceived a child and built my hopes up about motherhood then it was ripped from me. His dad bought me flowers and a card. His brothers said sorry about the loss.

Some time passed. I can’t be sure how long. We had one night of not using protection. I ended up pregnant again. This was the beginning of the end…

(more to come…tomorrow)

Tramadol Nightmare Finally Ends

                          

Tonight marks the seventh day I’ve been completely free of any tramadol. The peak of withdrawal for me was this past Friday night. I woke up with sweats, jerking muscles that were cramping, I puked a few times, I had an excruciating headache, and once I got out of bed the panic set in. I was up all night. I could not stay asleep. When I did sleep it was in increments of thirty minutes. It was a very rough night. That next morning, I began to wonder if I needed to enter a detox facility. It was that bad. As the day went on I was exhausted but as I kept focused on music, and moving around it got easier. I am now on day eight and all the withdrawal symptoms have departed!

I feel pretty good considering all my physical infirmities. My nerve tumor pain is high part of the day, but I manage through it here at home. I had a very successful day yesterday. Yesterday I was able to go out to a doctor’s appointment, make a grocery store trip, make a Walgreens stop, make a stop at the gas station, and do my dishes at the sink! This might sound trivial to some of my readers, but for me, that is extraordinary while only being on naproxen 500mg.

I have noticed a few changes since detoxing from the tramadol too. I have been struggling with severe fatigue for years now and concentration problems. I always walked around feeling foggy, and so fatigued I could barely hold my head up most days. This last week I noticed that the foggy feeling has subsided completely. I think more clearly. I believe the tramadol must have contributed to that cloudy thinking. The fatigue I felt was probably intensified by the tramadol as well. I am still tired in the middle of the day but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was while I was taking the tramadol.

I don’t see my pain clinic until the 24^th, but when I do they will have to come up with another plan for my case. I am rejecting to be treated any longer with any type of narcotic, or any type of pain treatment that my body will become dependent on, that if I choose to stop taking it, I have to deal with withdrawals like I had to face with tramadol. There has to be a better way to deal with pain patients. There has to be a way to help us without turning us into pill addicts, or physical addicts. They’re doctors who work hard to get these special degrees. They should be smart enough to figure this out.

I strongly believe marijuana should be utilized in this area. If marijuana was utilized for chronic pain patients, it would prevent addiction across the board. Science shows that cannabis is promising for pain relief. “Science also shows that addiction is very low at only 30% likely to have a dependency problem and that the 30% who develop dependency are people who have psychiatric issues before use” (Hasin).

It is time that our nation takes the stigma that surrounds cannabis and completely remove it. We must begin taking rational steps in solving problems we face with addiction to opiates and other opiate type medicine, like tramadol. Cannabis is one logical step! We must begin taking logical steps in treating chronic pain patients and stop imagining they do not exist, that they do not matter, or that their quality of life is not just as important as any other patient treated in our nation. Cannabis would help so many avoid opiate addiction, it would help improve the quality of so many lives across our nation, and it would be affordable to them. If the Obama administration is serious about this new initiative to help fight opiate addiction, he will move to help legalize cannabis nationwide on the federal level for medical use with a proposed bill to congress before he leaves office. The ball is in your court Obama. Help us, not the prescription thugs!!

Sources

Hasin DS, Saha TD, Kerridge BT, et al. Prevalence of Marijuana Use Disorders in the United  States Between 2001-2002 and 2012-2013. JAMA Psychiatry. 2015;72(12):1235-1242. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2015.1858.

 

This is for you Drew….

Drew Lykins

(9/16/1977-7/24/2014)

 

It’s funny all the things in this world that don’t have much meaning to them. Well, until you lose someone special to you. Things such as lightning bugs at night, a day that mimics a distant old memory of a moment you spent with that person, things like the smell of fresh cut grass, a color you look upon from an old clothing article worn, the sound of a motorcycle revving its engine, or the smell of an oil spill from a mechanics garage….

I believe these things finally retain some sort of meaning to us after we lose someone because we want so badly to be near the person who is gone…

I find myself wanting to see stars in the night sky and lightning bugs flying around freely. I find myself wanting to see a red bandana; I want to smell the fresh grass after a rainfall, even a certain smell from the mud beneath my feet just to catch a glimpse of a childhood memory I know is there and I want to just be in that moment again even if it is only in my mind. That sound from a familiar song that reminds you of a smile they had.  I find myself wanting to lie in the grass gazing it up at the stars smoking that old familiar brand of cigarettes just to feel close to a memory.

You find yourself going over all the time and space in between the years that have passed. Dredging up, from deep inside, this solemn feeling of regret; regret that you have taken advantage of the fact that nothing lasts forever like you hoped.  Regret that you kept telling yourself there is always time. Saying quietly next time I will or I always have tomorrow. Then the day comes when someone tells you that special person is gone forever. You realize in that exact moment of the receiving the news how wrong you were about time, wrong about how life is tough not fragile, and how you wish you could have made just a few more memories, just a few more to add meaning to all the things you thought were miniscule, things surrounding you like the sound of rushing traffic, a cotton ball travelling in the wind, or the smell of brownies in the oven.

My dear friend Drew is gone. He left this world Thursday afternoon and these are the things I’ve been going through the last few days. I am heartbroken and I haven’t figured out how to start the healing process yet. I do not believe you heal from loss completely, you just learn to go on in a new normal of existence with that person absent. This will be the first friend I’ve gone back home to say goodbye too and that is because I loved that boy so much. I have memories with him as far back as I can remember. I feel good about a few things. I feel good that he did know I loved him and he knew he was an important friend of mine. He knew I would have moved the world for him if I had the power. I feel good that I believe deep in my heart he felt the same. The streets we grew up on were tough sometimes. Life at home wasn’t always pancakes and soda pop. School wasn’t always a playground. One thing was always constant though Drew and Rachel running together.

I look back on days of summer when I couldn’t wait to get outside to my bike so I could ride to see him. I look back at the times he snuck to my bedroom window at dark just to say what was up. What a ride. Many people around the neighborhood and school thought for sure we would have ended up being romantically involved, married, boyfriend/girlfriend but it never went that way. I think he loved me and he knew it would have ruined the years of memories we had built. It would have ruined our friendship. He was right if that is what he was thinking. Our love was more of a brotherly/sisterly love than a long lasting love that goes into marriage.

I can see him walking though our old high school, sitting at a desk in some classroom, smoking a cigarette across from the band rooms annex, walking down Hanna towards my bus stop, smiling or giving me a hand gesture as I held a camera, I can see him sitting in the back of the bus saving me a seat, looking back as I was deciding to flee the hometown to better myself with him telling me to go and I can’t help but smile.

Tears start to fall when I am done rolling those memories through my mind because I realize there is no chance of creating new memories, no more conversations, no more pictures to be taken, no more time left….because life is so fragile.

Drew I will love you forever my friend. Save me a seat up there …in the back…I remember we like it there…