Category Archives: thoughts
So Tuesday, September 24th I had to be taken off my bus in an ambulance. I thought I was having a heart attack. At first I thought it was an anxiety attack. What I have found out is my heart actually stops beating two beats per minute and when it jump starts back up on the third beat it starts in the 200 beats per minute range and rises, this is known as atrial fibrillation. 300 beats per minute is stroke area. Had my coworker in dispatch not called 911 for me I would have either stroked out, or had a massive heart attack. Yeah pretty scary stuff.
I went in yesterday to get a holster monitor on to record my hearts actions. I was put on a beta blocker to help slow the heart when it jump starts so I do not stroke out. It still hurts, and it still races but not at stroke limit. I am hoping I can just be medicated to fix this problem. My boss informed me that if I have a pace maker put in that I can not hold a CDL. I love my job. I don’t want to have to leave my job. I have met some very wonderful people there and the job saved my life.
When I first applied at PC I was at the lowest point in my life. I was ready to leave my husband, and take my own life. I had been disabled for 8 years prior and it had taken its toll on me. I was so thankful to PC that they gave me a chance. If I have to leave my job I am not sure how I will handle that.
Right now I am trying real hard to stay positive. I’m trying not to panic at the thought of having a serious heart condition that can’t easily be fixed. I still smile and try to keep my happy demeanor but deep inside I am terrified.
It was hell to adjust to being this disabled woman at 28…how will I adjust to a woman with a serious heart problem at 35? I’m suppose to start school in a few weeks to work on getting my bachelors in early childhood education. How am I going to do that if I have a bad heart? Should I put it off? I have all these things on my mind.
This will be my second brush with death in one year. The first was my car accident where I rolled my Ford Taurus and had to be cut out. I believe in signs. I wonder if this is a sign for me too. I’m not sure what it is trying to say however…
I’ve been through so much my entire life…I really have come a long way…and a part of me is very angry that this heart thing has shown up…I mean how much more am I going to have to go through…til it is time for me to have true continuing peace?
I was sexually abused as a child, I grew up with a schizophrenic mother, my first husband was abusive, I am a recovering opiate addict, I have been disabled since age 28, and I survived a roll over car accident.
I have overcome all of these things only to find myself faced with having a bad heart. I know that it is very possible my past drug usage and abuse might have brought on this heart condition. Not to mention I was a smoker for over 20 years…but when am I going to get a break?
Everyone around me tells me I am a pillar of strength and I amaze them. I feel real good about that. I have always wanted to change the world…I have always wanted to be someone important enough to save or change lives. I wanted to be the person that brightens others days by simply being me. I just don’t know how I am going to deal with a major heart problem if that is the case.
I worry this will be my tipping point. I am afraid this might be the straw that broke the camels back. Facing this heart situation has made me think about all the things I’ve done throughout my life that probably brought me to this point. It also has me thinking about how much more I want to do. I’m not finished. I’m not even close and a heart condition probably cuts off more of my time to do the things I want.
I know life isn’t always fair and bad shit happens to good people. I just wish I would be given a break. I am having a harder time each day enjoying what I should be enjoying. I’m tired all the time, hurt all over everyday, out of breath most of the time, and my heart hurts when it races. God what is your plan for me? What are you trying to move me towards or away? I need your help here…and I’m begging you to not put anymore on me because God I have no more strength. My endurance is gone.
I have been clean since 2006. I don’t drink but maybe twice a year. I don’t steal. I am a good mom to my girls. I am a faithful wife. I am a loyal friend. I am an honest person. I have asked forgiveness for my past sins against others. I help the less fortunate. I try to be a positive role model for those who surround me. I don’t know what else to do in order to have you give me a break. But tonight Lord I am asking you please….give me a break or this will break me.
Sick and tired all the time
Oh how I wish I could rewind
Or fast forward this show
give me somewhere to go…
where my heart is free
where my soul can sing
where I matter in the world
Here, it’s so cold
It numbs me whole
Making me the fool
trying to keep my cool
using me like a tool
life is so cruel
and I’m fucking sick of it.
I want to cut my vein
bring on the end
but loyalty keeps me in
like being bedridden with sin
Is this really who I was supposed to be?
A lonely soul
Living in pain everyday
What price must I pay?
This is all fucked up…
I no longer want to play…
this part of suffering
with loneliness that could shatter worlds
pushing me to look for salvation
in things that only kill the soul
a bottle of booze
a bottle of pills…
fighting everyday to be someone new
Why have I been forsaken?
in all the good I try to do…
It’s not good enough for you?
I’m not alone…but I’m alone
and I’m fucking sick of it…
for my children I will carry on
an empty vessel at sea
pretending to feel free
but being confined by pain
I’ve been forsaken
For reasons I don’t see
I fight the urge to go…
I’m fucking sick of it all…
I have been going to counseling now for about six months or so with my husband. The main reason for going was my marriage was over, or so I thought it was. Maybe it still is…this is what we are trying to figure out in therapy. We were in crisis mode when we decided to go. I had fallen out of love with my husband who I have been with for fourteen years.
It was not just one thing he had done to me that brought us to that point. It was years of neglect and many stupid things he has done, and things he said that built up and brought us to that crossroad. Through the years I tried to explain to him, I tried to show him, I tried to convince him, hell I even asked him to go to couple counseling with me. It took me to tell him I wanted a divorce to finally shock him into going to counseling. I was not impressed. I had been so detached and neglected I did not want to try counseling at this point. My thought was, “oh, NOW, you want to try counseling, what about last year when I asked?” When I mentioned therapy for us the previous year I told him I was feeling very insecure in our relationship and asked him to go. His reply to me at that time was, “You do need therapy, you are crazy not me.” So you can imagine how I felt with him, now ,after telling him I wanted a divorce, he was willing to try this counseling thing.
The first month I was not impressed. It took a long time to bring down the wall I had built. It took a long time to attempt to replace anger with something healthier. I still find myself detached from him quite a bit. Honestly I am not sure where our future is leading us…I agreed to do a year of therapy with the counselor because she said it would probably take that long to get us where we should be. So I plan on keeping my word because that is what I do. I am loyal.
I’m not fighting the therapy like I was in the beginning. I am letting it sink in and I am taking the advice on how to get back on track. I am doing this because I have seen my husband trying to make things better. He has realized many things through therapy…though I think he has a lot more to learn…I will try to be patient in this journey.
A huge part of me is scared that I will never feel attached to him like I was just a few years ago. I love him but I still have doubts about being “in love” with him. I have tried to find the main trigger that creates this detachment in me. I have figured out that it is the past crap he’s done, said and the years of neglect that remind me he is untrustworthy. I am not exactly sure how to get over that. I am not certain he is doing anything to remind me of that or if he is doing things that subconsciously remind me. That will be my next session with therapist.
I understand that love grows to different stages. I understand that the newly wed love stage will most likely not return for us but I know passion could if we could just stay attached. The problem with that is I can’t seem to stay attached to him and I am not 100% sure I truly want to. He is indeed untrustworthy to me. I mean he has said things to me that are awful. Was he lying when he said those things? He doesn’t believe those things now because why? Because I was actually leaving this time. See what I mean?
I am not claiming I’m perfect here. I know I’ve called him an asshole over the years. I have told him to fuck off more then I can count. I will tell you though I have NEVER said something so harsh and hurtful to him like he has done to me. This is where we still have serious problems…
I can’t forget the times he has told me I am crazy. I can not forget his reply when I wanted to go back to school was, “you can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school”, yeah, that was my breaking point. It was shortly after that I finally just said I wanted a divorce.
That was around March of 2012. It all came together right before I got hired at my current job.
I have noticed lately he is more likely to slump back into old habits. When he starts to do that I immediately detach. When I say detach, I don’t mean minor isolation, I mean detach as in putting myself on an island with no way onto that bad boy. It is very hard for me to reattach too. I understand I detach so much because it was many, many years of neglect, abusive spoken words, and snipping away at the trust. I am not sure we’ll figure this out but I am willing to finish out trying to do so.
I am not happy with him like I think I should be. I am not even sure I ever will be again…I do love him a great deal. He is a wonderful father. He isn’t a bad person. We have had many great memories. I wouldn’t wish anything bad on him either. But, I use to look forward to talking with him, going places with him, I use to respect his opinion…these days I still don’t give a shit either way…I try to give a shit but deep down I don’t most of the time…a huge part of me feels guilty for those feelings but I just don’t know what to do…will that change with continued therapy? I don’t know…stay tuned.
I want to talk about being sick and a recovering addict today.
Let’s talk about being sick first. I just recently had a rheumatoid doctor diagnose me with Anklyosing Spondylitis (A.S) and well though we have thought for a long time I’ve had this disease we waited as long as we could to medicate me with immune suppressants. I came to a point in the disease I had no other choice but to start on humira. It is an injection I take every two weeks. I give it to myself now.
I was waking up so stiff I needed help to get out of bed when I finally went to doctor for medication for the disease. It became horrible. I have been on humira since May of 2013. I have noticed considerable change in my body with the medicine. It has been such a change that I wish I had gone on the humira sooner then what I decided. I avoided the medicine out of fear that it suppresses the immune system. I am still concerned about it making me sick with cancer, or flu like stuff one day but the relief I have received thus far is worth the risk.
I have so many health issues. It wears me out. It is exhausting being so sick with so many problems. None of which have a cure either! It is a daily battle for me to get out of bed and carry on my day as normally as I can to fit in to society. Some days I just hold myself up at home because that is all I can do those days. I have a tarlov cyst that is a constant source of pain. I have a neuroma that is a constant source of nerve pain, burning sensations, and fatigue. I have fibromyalgia which has become a nightmare of burning muscles, weak muscles, over active sensory problems like over sensitive to light, sun, noise, smells, and motion. Now on top of those things I have A.S. Which is a progressive arthritis of the spine and joints. The A.S leaves me fatigued, pain in the back, knees, elbows, feet, hips, neck and lower back. It is so damn exhausting!
There have been many nights I have thought about ending it all. To be honest the only thing that keeps me around are my beautiful daughters. I love them so much. I love being their mom. They are why I live. I know it is sad to read that I am suicidal and probably makes you wonder how stable am I to even think these things…well it might not be normal to think about ending it for you…but I know living with chronic pain the way I do makes it very normal. I am not a risk to myself because I have found something to live for even in the darkest hour of my pain, illness and fatigue. My kids. I have not found a way to stop the ideas from creeping into my thoughts at times but I don’t act on them. I don’t think I ever would for a few reasons. The biggest being my wonderful daughters. The second is my faith in Christ. I know I suffer these ailments for a reason. I am not sure the reason yet in my life but when it is all said and done it will be clear why I had to live my life the way he chose. The final reason are the friends I have today. The support they have for me is like coming up for fresh air in the middle of an ocean.
I try very hard to stay positive. I wake up and tell myself something positive and remind myself through the day that I have so much to be thankful for so do not focus on the pain. Some days this is so hard to do…some days I am so tired from fighting against the pain that I have no energy left for anything and that to breathe takes everything left in me.
Living a life like mine isn’t easy. It doesn’t help when you don’t get support or understanding from those around you either. I know I have had friends think I didn’t care for them as much as I say because I don’t hang out with them often. I don’t call them a lot. I am not sure what to do about that. My energy reserve is very low and most of what I do have has to go to my two kids first. Usually I have none left to share with anyone. When I am working it is even worse. Hell my kids then get very little of my time. I work, cook dinner and go right to bed only to repeat this same routine five days a week. I get a summer vacation when school is out so that is a nice break for me. The summer break allows my kids to get more of my time and energy. Unfortunately my friends do not.
Is that fair? No I don’t think it is. I only know that I can’t change the way I feel. I take one day at a time. I hope I have friends now that understand this part of me and know I do love them regardless of the time we spend together. I have lost lots of friends over the years because I am sick. They got pissed off I couldn’t do what they wanted me to do and quit talking to me. The friends I have lost I know now were just users. They were only my friend because I could do something for them at the time. When it came down to the point in my life I couldn’t help them they weren’t interested. Sure, it hurts to lose friends in the moment, but as I have had time pass I have come to realize they were really never friends. They were what I call users. We all have these in our lives at some point. Some hang on to them longer then they should if you ask my opinion.
Anger is a huge issue I have. I fight the anger demon daily too. I get so pissed off at my circumstance. It eventually leads to loneliness. I feel angry that I’m sick and can’t do the great things I want to do then I end up feeling lonely because I realize in this battle I am truly alone. I am the one who has to walk with the pain, sleep with the pain, wake with the pain and no one knows this but me. It gets hard for those around me to understand because I don’t look sick. I look like a vibrant 35 year old woman but my looks deceive you.
The pain is a third wheel in all my relationships. It gets pretty damn exhausting carrying this wheel around everywhere I go. It interferes with friendships, my marriage, my relationship with my children, hell it even interferes with my own self on a daily basis. It is crazy I have to wake up every single day and have a plan on what I will spend my energy on. I have some energy for a shower, some energy for my kids, some energy for cooking dinner, doing laundry that day, and energy to give to my husband when he gets off work. Hell most of the time I have NONE when he gets home and it is very frustrating. It gets even more frustrating when he doesn’t seem to grasp understanding of what all is wrong with me.
I am also a recovering addict. The health shit I carry around interferes with my sobriety on a daily basis. I am an opium addict. I became an opium addict in 1995. I left home to clean myself up in 1999. I have had one relapse in sobriety and that was in 2006 after my first back surgery when a doctor put me on Oxycontin. I abused the pills for about a year and in 2007 I went cold turkey again and have battled everyday since to stay clean. The Oxycotin battle went well into 2011. My addiction did not start with pills though. My addiction started with smoking it in a pipe. I think about opium every single day at least once. I think about how numb it makes you and how you feel no pain on it. I think to myself often if I could just smoke a pipe of opium I’d have no pain at all and could be normal…being a chronic pain patient makes being a recovering addict even harder to do.
Right now I wish I was high. If I were high right now I wouldn’t feel the pain in my lower back, my hands wouldn’t be aching, and my neck and shoulders would be completely relaxed. These are just some things I think about on a daily basis. What stops me from acting on these thoughts? Well simple….my kids. Again they are the reason I try to be a role model. I want them to have the best life possible and grow into responsible, caring, normal adults and that requires me to stay clean.
I am very fortunate. I know many addicts don’t get away from the grasp of opiates. Hell most end up heroin addicts. I know this. I’ve lost friends to this trend of opiate abuse that lead them to heroin. If I had not left home when I did I probably would have been led to heroin too. I would have used it to medicate my pain away and would have ended up strung out on it and eventually killing myself. I know this without a doubt. I know once you do heroin it grips so tightly that it is a miracle to get away from it. I take one day at a time.
I avoid opiate users. I have had doctors note my medical file to avoid long term prescriptions and if ever prescribed it must be very small amount and there must be no other options. I am glad I was educated enough at the time I left my hometown that I knew to have a successful shot at staying clean you had to change your entire life scene. That is what I did and I think that is why I was successful in getting clean and staying clean for so long. I honestly think I would not have relapsed at all had I not been put on Oxycontin for pain. These things happened for a reason. I am not 100% sure the reason but I know Christ has one. Maybe it was to make me a better mother then what I would have been had I not done these drugs. Maybe it was to show others that it can be done. YOU CAN GET CLEAN and stay that way. Maybe I became an addict because I was suppose to leave my hometown so I could have a shot at a better life. I don’t know. All I know is I am thankful. Even when I wake angry about it, even when I feel so lonely in it all, even when I think that things would be better if I ended it, I end up where I belong. I end up being thankful and remembering why I carry on. I remember how I cleaned myself up and understand that in itself is a remarkable feat.
I know having chronic pain for the rest of my life is not going to be easy. It hasn’t been easy yet. I know living with my pain leaves me very vulnerable to relapsing again. These things I make sure I don’t forget. It keeps me vigilant against the monster lurking just around the corner in a pill bottle, a pipe, or powder. I take one day at a time and pray often. I love my friends that understand my problems and are there to support me when I need them. I love them for understanding that even if I can’t hang with them often I think of them often. They are the other reason I stay clean and carry on.
Everyone has their own story to tell. Everyone has their own struggle to fight. This is just a piece of mine. Thank you for reading. It felt good to let it out.
My Life In Puzzle Pieces
Jessica Hamm Wert
Jessica is one of my closest family members. I have always thought of her as a sister, and I always will! There isn’t a memory growing up that doesn’t include her. I love her more then anyone could possibly know.
We did everything together our whole lives growing up. Her mom is the closest aunt I have. Jessica is one in my family who knows every dirty secret I have. She is one of the most trusted family members I have. I would do anything in my power for her.
We fought like sisters, we made up like sisters, we grew like sisters and I will die continuing to call her my sister.
When I left Ohio at age nineteen we lost touch a little. I went to clean myself up and find a better way to be me. Through the years I’ve missed not being there in town with her. I have missed not being around to see her beautiful children grow. I have missed not being there for a support system to her but she has always understood that my hometown is not a place for me. She knows as well as I do that if I lived there again I’d be right back on drugs and most likely would have been dead by now.
I get homesick from time to time and she is one reason I do. I know though I can’t go back there…it would be a bad outcome for me. I’d rather love her in a distant then be close to her and be the addict I was for so long. I am not proud of that but she understands it.
We are connected with social media. Hell she was one of the few who I opened a facebook account for. I wanted to be connected to her so I wouldn’t be missing out on so much in her life.
We danced for hours on weekends. We skated at the local rink on weekends. We obsessed over Guns N Roses together. Every memory I have of her in my life is cherished…even the fights we have had. She truly is a blessing in my life.
She was there in the worst of times I’ve had, and she has been there for some of the best of times I’ve had. I cherish her like no other and that will never change. Jess thank you for being a cousin, a best friend and a sister to me. I will love you forever.
She is one of the most caring, giving people I know in my life and if you are lucky enough to have her in your life don’t hurt her because I will break your face.