Out There

Shadows haunt me

They’re always there

Strangers in the moonlight

Slithering

Dusk til dawn

Dancing in my surroundings

Reflecting things I cannot forget

Scars I carry on my soul

Seeking refuge in my heart

Tearing me apart

Piece by piece

Where will I find peace?

I just know there is a way

To mend my broken heart

To heal my broken soul

To find a way to where you are

Where shadows won’t dance

In this lonesome romance

On walls where scary dreams wait

In a solemn trance

They always trace the edges

of the scars on my soul

Seeking refuge inside of me

Never letting go

I know you’re out there

Waiting to protect me

From the monster

That patiently waits…

To devour me.

Sabotage…I’m a runner and it isn’t for a race!

I didn’t want to think he broke me, but I can’t live in denial. I’m broken to some extent. He won some aspects of the war he waged over the many years because I conceded to his tactics of manipulation, verbal abuse and control. I know this because I have trust issues dealing with every type of relationship I try to form now. I am constantly wondering what the motive is, or what will I have to sacrifice in order to have the relationship in my life? Will I have to chip away another piece of who I am in order for this person to be in my life? I constantly ask myself what does this person want of me? I don’t trust good gestures either. I constantly think to myself this person is kind now, but when will the other shoe drop? I jump to conclusions quickly too. Will this will be another Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type? I think in the back of my mind. These thoughts are not normal thoughts. These thought processes are scars left behind by narcissistic abuse. How long will they be around I wonder?

I fell in love with a magical man. He helped me and guided me to freedom. He is in a far off land and things are complicated. I adore this man and love this man so much it scares the living shit out of me because I truly have never loved anyone this much in my entire life. I want him, I need him, I am vulnerable to him, I want to run to him, but I also want to run away from him in fleeting moments. The running away part, I know is a symptom from the trauma I have suffered through. I’m a runner. It is a defense mechanism that has been scorched into the core of my existence and for my entire life it has served me well. It has helped me survive some pretty traumatic experiences. It will even help me survive the divorce I just went through. The difference with this magical guy that I adore with every ounce of my being is…I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be better and do better. I don’t want to run from him. I don’t want to scream fuck off and run for the hills. I absolutely adore him. I don’t want to throw in the towel or burn the bridge like I have done my whole life. I actually love this man. I want to grow old with him. I want to hear him tell me stories about his life and his history. I want to just lay with him and listen to him breathe. I want to hear his heartbeat. I want to just occupy a room with him.

I don’t know how to break this vicious cycle that has been wired inside of me for so long. I get angry when I am hurt. I lash out in a very hurtful way too and then I want to run for the hills. I have done this my entire life. I couldn’t tell you how many bridges I have burned to the ground or how often I have self sabotaged relationships out of hurt. I have done years of therapy and that is how I am aware of this trait. I know why I do it; I just don’t know how to fix it…

Until You Explode

Whispers falling from your lips

Calming my heart with a smile

A love so bold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

Writing me promises through the distance

Planting hope where chaos once ruled

Love freely flowing

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

You show up in the moonlight’s shadow

You tell me these things are true

And you leave me sold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

Found my voice again!

I’ve spent 17 years of my life married and loyal to a man that neither deserved me or respected me. I spent 19 years total with him. We are now going through a divorce because someone actually gave a real shit about me, told me to take a walk of faith away from him, so I did. It was way past time to end the abuse I had hidden away from the world. I stayed for so long for so many reasons. All of them were wrong reasons.

I stayed for the kids. I stayed out of fear about what he may do. I stayed out of my warped view of my religious views. I stayed out of my loyalty to my dad’s dead memory. I became disabled in 2005 so financially I felt trapped. All of these reasons were wrong reasons.

Over the many years my voice was silenced, my esteem lost, my goals buried, my ambition lost, my light blanketed in shadow, and even at times my will to live tested. He controlled me emotionally, financially, and he warped me into a woman I would have never wanted to be. I became an empty vessel, lonely, detached, full of doubt, and he made me feel crazy for questioning so much that went on in my life. He also made me a liar for lying about being happy when I was miserable. I told my family back home I was happy when I wasn’t. I hid the verbal abuse. I hid the neglect. I wore a mask. The worst part about it all is he made me feel responsible for it all by using my past trauma I had lived through against me to have me believe that it was me and not him. I now know it was him. It wasn’t me at all.

All the nights he spent out drinking while leaving me home raising the kids he made me believe I was wrong to be upset. I was crazy to have a voice over what upset me. I wasn’t allowed to be upset over the way he neglected me and if I voiced my feelings I got a raged filled verbal lashing that left me in tears. Over and over. Year after year. He isolated me by using narcisitic tactics that I didn’t recognize because they were subtle, and I always aimed to please him. I wanted to be a good wife. It was never enough. When he didn’t get his way he would rant and rage like a lunatic or stonewall with silence and make me feel like I was walking on egg shells wondering when the next bomb was going to drop. I began living on high alert everyday. He made me feel wrong for going out with friends. He made me feel guilty for wanting friends or a social life. He made me feel guilty and crazy for wanting to be a part of his social life.

I taught my kids how to use the potty. I taught my kids how to tie shoes. I taught my girls how to write, and I taught them how to read. I went to the WIC appointments, the doctor appointments for their vaccinations, and their first day of school. I went to the teacher conferences. I went to the plays, concerts, and I was the one who volunteered at the schools. I taught my girls how to ride their bikes. I was the one who remodeled the home we moved in. I was the one who repaired the Ford Taurus when it needed fixed. I was the one who stayed home when they were sick through the night while he laid out drunk all night. I cooked the dinners. I did the laundry and hung them on the line outside. I did these things. He didn’t. I did this for 15 years on my own. I didn’t ask for rewards and I don’t write it now for some kind of praise. I write it now because it is fact. I write it now because he wants the world to believe some made up shit he has in his narcisitic mind. He wants his image to be of this charming, loving, caring husband and father who has done wonderful things for his wife and family. He wants people to believe he is the victim. He is NOT the victim. HE IS THE TYRANT! He believes because he has done some good things or treated us good some of the time that erases all of his abuse. IT DOESN’T! He wants to rewrite our story and I refuse to let him do that. No, he is not going to do that.

Last night I finally stood up and voiced everything I had needed to say for 17 years. He tried to rewrite history, tried to use my disability against me, he tried to break me down to tears like he could do in the past, he tried to turn things around on me like he successfully did so many times in the past, but he didn’t succeed last night. I won last night because I didn’t cry. I didn’t allow him to silence me. I didn’t break down because I educated myself about what he is and the tactics he uses to abuse.

It started with our oldest daughter. He tried to take her laptop he gave her. She said no. It is her laptop and she has a right to say no. He got infuriated and started yelling fucking this and fuck that. This is when I descended from the bedroom to find out what the fuck was going on. This is when it began between him and I. He wanted her laptop for this new job he started. Well, it looks like he needs to fork out a couple hundred dollars for a laptop for this new job. I finally got to tell him everything I have kept inside for so many years.

I told him he would no longer have control because he tried to shut me up. I said, “No, you will listen! I will yell! I feel like yelling because you’re an asshole and a tyrant. It is OK for you to yell, but heaven forbid I yell because you think you are some sort of king in this house. This is my house and you’re not a king!” He tried to deny his rages of course and rewrite history, but I gave plenty of examples. I continued to tell him how he made me feel sick to my stomach when he was present. I told him that he controlled me emotionally and financially. I told him that it speaks volumes about his character to use my disability against me by throwing up in my face that he thinks I don’t contribute to the household because he suddenly has to do laundry, dishes and cook meals.

He had some balls to say I didn’t contribute to the household, so I laid it all out for him. I pointed out what I actually did and what he didn’t do over all the years ending with, “I bet you could show them where every bar is in town and teach them how to drink a beer though couldn’t you?”

I said to him, “You have some nerve and courage to sit there and try to tell me that I don’t do shit around here or I haven’t contributed to this house on the day that I received my associate’s degree in elementary education haha…you’re fucking hilarious…all the while I drove school bus while achieving that goal…and you…YOU…had the fucking sick reply to tell me that I couldn’t clean your house the way you like what made me think I could go back to school because you wanted to control me and keep me inside of your box. You thought by telling me that you could keep your thumb on me, and that I would have believed you once again. It burns your ass right now sitting there that I finished the first part of my journey. You couldn’t even congratulate me because of your narcissism.”

He tried to use the kids against me too by saying I was changing their ideals about him. That didn’t phase me one bit because I don’t tell the kids shit about him. His actions show them who he is. They are old enough to see that he is a raging tyrant and abusive to me, especially my oldest. That is on him and I made sure he heard me on that. I made sure he heard that the kids feel like idiots because it is HIM that calls them that NOT ME! I made sure he heard that they feel like losers and idiots because they don’t rinse dishes correctly or move fast enough out of having J.A.S (Junior Ankylosing Spondylitis)! He tried to use the few times I have cussed at my oldest for her back talking and I had a great reply to that too. I said to him, “I corrected my fuck up by apologizing and explaining that I shouldn’t parent like that but also explained that she shouldn’t back talk me as her parent. Do you ever tell them sorry with real empathy? No. Do you tell them they’re not idiots or losers over small acts, like missing soap on dishes? No. My loss of anger was over a real issue of back talk…YOUR RAGE WAS OVER DISH SOAP ON DISHES because you’re a tyrant!!”

When I did finally take the step to file for divorce he would attempt to use my faith to try to manipulate me. He started asking me about going to church. He was asking me if I still wanted to go to church because many months before, I had stated I wanted to find a church to attend. He thought I wasn’t aware of his manipulation tactics yet, but I had him figured out. I’m so glad it is going to be over soon.

As he was throwing up all the things he was clearly miserable about over the years I simply asked him, “Why the fuck are you fighting the divorce so badly then? Clearly you’ve been miserable as you seem to think I am lazy, and that I do not contribute to this house. Be fucking honest for once in your life.” I was laughing but I wanted the truth. His reply was, “I wanted to keep our family together.” I said, “You’re a fucking liar. You were never here. I did it all for 15 years while you avoided responsibility except you worked. So how about you be fucking honest. You didn’t want to pay child support huh?” He looked at me with this smirk he gets…I knew right there…I had been right all this time. He never loved me, and I am OK with that. He can’t love and that is sad, but I am blessed because I am leaving his emptiness behind. I got to voice what I felt to him finally. I found my voice. It felt good.

I’m transforming. It is spectacular. The two things responsible for this revolution happening inside of me. God being the first. The second is a wonderful man who blessed my life at a time I needed love the most. I love him deeply and I am his forever. I can’t thank him enough for loving me. It’s a wonderful thing being blessed in life even when you think you’re unworthy…everyone is worthy…remember that when you’re in doubt. Keep moving forward!

Raging Devil

I can’t breathe when you’re around

You suck the life from every room

Raging from a devil

That lives deep in your soul

I’ve tried to help you let go

I feel as though I’ve died inside

From your rage inside

For years I thought it was me

Searching for a remedy

In the mirror

A reflection I didn’t recognize

My own demise

Staring back…empty eyes

Raging hell that was planted in my soul

Now I know it was you

Found in all the clues

I’ve paid my dues

Your reflection painted with my scars

You’re exposed

The mask…finally removed

Freedom is just ahead

The memory of you will be dead

What creeps in your soul

Will no longer have a hold

On the beauty you stole temporarily