You Should

You tried your best to destroy me
In hopes that you would feel alive
You took everything I offered
Turned truth into lies
I gave, and I gave
Until I had nothing left to give
Your selfish ways condemned me
With your contemptuous acts of love
Wrecking me in ways
I could have never have foresaw
I would have never have believed
Peering through a magic crystal ball
That drugs would once again
Be the only friend
That soothed my aching heart
After every time you spoke to me
To keep from falling apart
I thought you would be different
I thought you would be safe
I learned no one could contend with you
Not a man could take…
I couldn’t survive without you
You made sure I knew my place
The scorn you hide in your soul
It decorates my face
No one knows you like I do
No one can take my place
I made you a better man
While you were my final poison
No one could make me feel as low you
I see it every time you look at my face
You regret the shit you’ve chosen
You should.

Forever changed by trauma & drug abuse

I have these thoughts in my head that I know are lies, but a part of me wants to believe them because it is easier that way. It is easy to believe I’m not enough, I’m in this journey alone, I need pills to feel adequate, that I am broken, and there is no fixing me. That I deserved every trauma in my life because I’m not worthy of anything healthy, or half way normal.

I think often about how much easier it would be to just die instead of fight another day through pain, to fight through the cravings of being high on pain pills, to not wake up and go into a job that is so physically challenging to me that I cry every day when I get home.

Then I think about my youngest daughter. I know she needs me still, so I stay, I fight another day…

But what will I do when she is finally raised and I’m left with no reason to remind myself that the thoughts are cruel lies created by a brain that has forever been changed from trauma and drug abuse…

I worry.

Was it Wasted Love?

I’m about to break
I just want to disappear
Was it love I wasted?
So shallow
I had to sacrifice myself
In attempts to save you
If I could change my life
Not have been your wife
It’s not easy down in the hollow
Where I ended up after
The years I invested
The shape I’m in
The void in my soul
I have nowhere to go
Medicated myself cold
Sacrificed myself
For a cost I can’t seem to pay
Day after day
Was it love I wasted?
Was it love I wasted?

I’m not a big drinker, but…

I use to say to people well I only drink a few times a year. I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the past two weeks about my actual drinking because I’ve heard stories and read stories in the good book that made me start being honest with myself not only about my drug usage, but my alcohol usage.

I’ve always consider drinking to be a bar thing, event, a large get together. I never considered night caps once a week, or a few times a week as actively drinking because I was by myself and I would only get smashed while out with a group of friends, but I’m starting to realize that it is more than that and deeper.

My relationship with alcohol is nothing compared to my relationship with drugs because I felt like I still had power over alcohol, but I’m beginning to think to myself, “do I really have control over it completely?” I would drink alone for all the wrong reasons. I would want to help lower my pain level, or celebrate the day by having one drink because I survived another day in the real world with my pain, and physical limitations, but did I really survive the day if I was reaching for a drink to ease my anxiety, my pain, and sometimes loneliness the drug abuse history has left me with. Is there ever a good time to have a drink? I’ve been asking myself these questions since attending meetings.

I actually left one meeting saying to myself, “my God, maybe I’m a high functioning alcoholic who can stop drinking after one, but I’m needing it for all the reasons I’ve needed drugs all these years. This might be the start of my own alcoholism and one day I may not be able to stop at one or two and I will justify that usage like I’ve done with drugs. I will be just as irrational over alcohol as I have been with drugs.”

Am I a high functioning alcoholic? I don’t know that answer right now, but have decided that I will also give up alcohol as a coping mechanism. That is what it is ultimately for everyone, a simple coping mechanism, and there are healthier options to coping.

I never classified myself as even “a drinker” because night caps never counted. They helped me sleep. I didn’t get stupid, or crazy having my night caps, so was it really “drinking”? My mind convinced me it was normal and acceptable because that is what my mind does with any substance I use to cope, no matter the amount. I wasn’t out making unsafe decisions while having my drink, so I’m fine. Maybe I’m not so fine and my broken mind is allowing me to think I am just as it had done with drugs I chose to do.

Through meetings I have come to the simple realization that I can’t have a healthy relationship with any substance because I’m using them to cope. I shouldn’t have to have a night cap ever to relax. Just like I shouldn’t have to be hyped up on pills to feel adequate.

The same can be said for marijuana too. Perhaps my relationship with weed is just as dangerous. I only use for two months and can stop with no problems, but I must be honest about why I’m reaching for that substance as well. Again it comes down to coping. I need new coping mechanisms.

Feelings don’t kill you…but the drugs will!

This month marks 16 months clean from opiates. I recently started attending NA/AA meetings. I have come to realize that the reason I have only ever made it 2 years being sober is because I never understood what was needed to stay clean until I started going to these meetings regularly, and hearing other people’s stories, that in many ways, are very similar to my own. The program works because I’m hearing from people who have 15+ years sober.

Tonight I went to a meeting and through hearing other stories I realize that much of my choices up until now were symptoms of a bigger problem. It is a big problem with my thinking, my insecurities, my anxieties, my need to try to fix everyone in my life in spite of it being unhealthy for myself, accepting expectations put on me from others when they are unhealthy for me to do so, a problem with setting and keeping boundaries. The people I chose to love were symptoms of this bigger problem. I chose my first husband because he helped me run from my dad dying, and he kept me in supply of the heroin, opium I smoked, and the pills I took so that I could ignore my emotions about my dad dying. I chose my second husband because I needed an out from my tumultuous life at that point. I was grasping onto him to help myself stay sober, and run away from problems I wanted to ignore. I wasn’t sober for long because our relationship was so toxic it gave me an excuse to use again and not face the ultimate problem that was inside of me. Symptoms of a bigger problem I wasn’t ready to face until now.

I realize that fear has run my life up until this very moment. I made bad choices because I was afraid of so much. I was afraid I wasn’t enough for anyone unless I was high. I feared the loneliness I felt when I wasn’t high. I feared not having the answers I seemed to have every single time I was high. When you’re high you’re brilliant and have all the answers. I feared not being able to finish projects, homework, household chores when I wasn’t high because of my physical disability. I feared personal connections to other people without the help from drugs because what if they hurt me? Right? I feared silence because I wasn’t comfortable being sober and quiet. I quit attending NA meetings years ago because it terrified me to be that person in those meetings admitting to having no control over my addiction. I was terrified to stand up and let those people know just how fucked up I’ve been since age 17. I feared what society would think. What would my family think? What if it didn’t work. What would my sober friends think? What would my using friends think? I feared speaking about my inadequacies. What if I went back to using, which I did over and over because I allowed the fear to continue to control my thinking and my actions.

Now that I’ve leaned into the fear and entered the doors of NA/AA I realize it wasn’t something to be in fear of at all. The room is full of people who struggle with the same thought processes. Some of the people have suffered trauma in childhood just like I did. The room is full of people who want to live sober just like me. The room is full of support and full of people who actually understand me. The room is full of people who actually give a shit about me.

Outside that room it doesn’t matter what anyone in society thinks because they do not struggle with what I struggle with and because of that they have no understanding or compassion for my disease of addiction. What they think of me doesn’t matter. What matters is what I think of myself and I think I matter enough now to attend these meetings and stay strong in my sobriety.

By doing this for myself I know I will no longer make choices from the symptoms I suffer from and fear will not play a part in my decision making. I know I can do this because I will be free from chemicals changing my thought process and I will not be numbing myself to feelings that I am supposed to feel as a human. I will stand in my power and understand better that anxiety passes, I will remember and understand all humans feel these things I’ve been afraid of my whole life and there is no need to medicate them away because those feelings are not going to kill me, but my drugs of choice will.

I am so grateful for my 16 months of sobriety and so thankful that I finally committed to the meetings to stay that way! My higher power is amazing.