I wish I could make you see
I wish I could give you compassion
That flows from inside of me
So you could feel the way you hurt
So you could understand
I needed to be free
You were killing me
With hurt you released
You never gave me peace
Because inside of you
Brought you to your knees
I wish I could make you see
So you won’t hurt another
Like you ravaged me
I’ll always be a little broken
From words that fell from your lips
From the games you played
The cruel tricks
Telling me you loved me
But ignoring my needs
I’ll never know…
What I did to deserve you
And all your misery
One day you will see
The enemy is on the inside
It was never me
I sit here and reminisce about a version of you that didn’t really exist because I’m still slightly broken. Then I have to remind myself about who you really are, and were. I watch people tell their stories on video and I relate to them on such a deep level because of the life I lived with you for so long. The strange thing about that is that it could be a female or male telling their story about narcissistic abuse and I still relate to every single word. I relate to every time they choke up speaking about it. I cry with them every time they release tears. I feel small like they do when they talk about every single phase they experienced.
I’m grateful for the reminders of who you were. Those reminders will protect me. Those reminders will protect my heart and most of all my mind.
I reflect back about all the craziness and still find myself asking how could I have loved you so much and the videos from survivor’s like myself remind me how I loved you so much more than myself.
I have been healing myself over these past 20 months and I’ve come a long way. It feels so good to be able to find peace here with your absence. It feels good loving myself, and doing things I loved doing before you stripped me of those joyous things.
I paint again, and I forgot how much I loved it, and how good I actually was. I write music again. I write poetry again. I do so many things you made dirty with your verbal attacks and accusations.
I have had the realization that you are a broken little boy inside. I know though that I can’t be too empathetic because you will take advantage of that. That was how you held control for so long. I was too empathetic towards you and the little boy inside of you that was broken.
Our youngest daughter has healed a lot over these past 20 months too. I remind her from time to time about your narcissistic behavior. She needs reminding less often then I remind myself. That is probably because I divorced you when she was 11, and though that is a long time for her to have gone through that abuse, it isn’t 19 years.
I’m not sure how long it will take me to fully heal and that is alright with me. I’m in no hurry. I like being free and one day I will be with a man who still allows me to feel free even if I’m dedicated to him.
I do hope one day you heal your wounds, but I know the chances of that are slim to none. I still find myself teaching you how to parent in a healthy way, so I don’t have high hopes.
Sometimes I feel like the universe bought the corona virus pandemic around to give me space from your toxicity. I also feel like it was a gift from the universe that has kept her away from you during these few months. Being in isolation has given me plenty of time to self reflect. It has given our daughter time to do the same. It has given us both time to reflect on your abuse and discuss it openly. We have accepted there will probably not be any closure about that from you. We have accepted that you will not apologize or take responsibility for the anguish you caused us. The great thing about that now is…we don’t need it to be happy, at peace, and free.
Once in a while I think I’m healed completely from your abuse. Then something triggers me, and I realize I still have a little more to do, and that is alright by me as well because it happens less and less. I know now there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and I get closer every single day.
I understand why you are the way you are. One day you will understand it too. It might be on your deathbed, but it will come. I also understand how you became the way you are. One day you will be forced to understand that about yourself too. Again, it may be on your deathbed, but it will come. I think you have reflected some already, but not enough because you still do many toxic things you did while we were still married. That’s alright too. I don’t need your approval, your permission, or your support to move on with my own life, and I’ve done that quite well actually. I have dreams and goals again! It feels good. It feels amazing when I reach each one. It is a slow process, but like I stated before…I’m in no rush.
I am in no rush because the next man I dedicate my loyalty too will be a whole man. A man who isn’t broken or abusive.
That might be the moment you actually do serious self reflection too. When you see a man loving me the way you never had enough wisdom to do on your own. When you see me investing my love and loyalty to another man the way I tried to do with you, you will wish you had healed yourself a long time ago.
Today I had to remind myself of the man you really are and not the illusion I want to believe in. That’s alright. I cried for a short time grieving my trauma, and I picked myself up and carried on. You won’t cross my mind for a while again. It becomes less and less. I finding myself more each day and one day my love won’t go to waste.
You tried your best to destroy me
In hopes that you would feel alive
You took everything I offered
Turned truth into lies
I gave, and I gave
Until I had nothing left to give
Your selfish ways condemned me
With your contemptuous acts of love
Wrecking me in ways
I could have never have foresaw
I would have never have believed
Peering through a magic crystal ball
That drugs would once again
Be the only friend
That soothed my aching heart
After every time you spoke to me
To keep from falling apart
I thought you would be different
I thought you would be safe
I learned no one could contend with you
Not a man could take…
I couldn’t survive without you
You made sure I knew my place
The scorn you hide in your soul
It decorates my face
No one knows you like I do
No one can take my place
I made you a better man
While you were my final poison
No one could make me feel as low you
I see it every time you look at my face
You regret the shit you’ve chosen
I have these thoughts in my head that I know are lies, but a part of me wants to believe them because it is easier that way. It is easy to believe I’m not enough, I’m in this journey alone, I need pills to feel adequate, that I am broken, and there is no fixing me. That I deserved every trauma in my life because I’m not worthy of anything healthy, or half way normal.
I think often about how much easier it would be to just die instead of fight another day through pain, to fight through the cravings of being high on pain pills, to not wake up and go into a job that is so physically challenging to me that I cry every day when I get home.
Then I think about my youngest daughter. I know she needs me still, so I stay, I fight another day…
But what will I do when she is finally raised and I’m left with no reason to remind myself that the thoughts are cruel lies created by a brain that has forever been changed from trauma and drug abuse…
I’m about to break
I just want to disappear
Was it love I wasted?
I had to sacrifice myself
In attempts to save you
If I could change my life
Not have been your wife
It’s not easy down in the hollow
Where I ended up after
The years I invested
The shape I’m in
The void in my soul
I have nowhere to go
Medicated myself cold
For a cost I can’t seem to pay
Day after day
Was it love I wasted?
Was it love I wasted?