Category Archives: dreams

Moving Forward in 2015

     movingforward

It is a new year! I can hardly believe it is 2015 already. I will be 37 in one month. I never imagined I would be where I am today. I drive a school bus part time and I enrolled into community college. I started my first semester January 12th. I have a week in so far. It is challenging with being sick and disabled but I am one determined woman. It must be that thing called ambition driving me. I am going for my teaching degree.

I have come far in my life. I was reflecting back on my life and all I have been through and it really does amaze me. From a chaotic, traumatic childhood, a lost teenager, a drug abusing young woman, a disabled grown woman to a sober, wife, mother and a college student. It has been one long road to this point in my life. A road full of missteps, loss, sadness, trauma, delays, joy, corrections and triumphs. I think that makes me remarkable. Yes I am remarkable.

There are so many people I have lost through the years. I wish I could reach out to them and show them that I am finally on the road to healing completely. If only there was a staircase to heaven. I am working hard to achieve a dream I’ve had for quite sometime that before I let fear, and missteps prevent me from going for that dream. Not anymore. I am taking power back over my life and over my happiness.

I will always be a working disabled woman. I think I am finally reaching the point in my life of true acceptance. My disability and health problems were an excuse for a long time. I do not use that as an excuse anymore. Self pity is what I suffered from. It took me a long time not to be so angry about having a disability so young. I still get frustrated over it being more challenging for me to do things compared to a well person. Riding a bike, dancing to music, cleaning my house, getting out of bed, getting dressed, and doing things with my family. I am finally learning to pace myself with those things and if I can’t do it on my own to ask for help or try again later.

Some mornings I do not think I can make it through the day. Somehow I do it. Somehow I get dressed, go to work and go to class. At the end of each day I am amazed sometimes that I made it though. I like to think I get that from my dad, may he be resting in peace.

My dad. It was very emotional for me after my first day of classes. I cried briefly as I was leaving the campus. My dad would have been so happy for me and so proud of me. I often wonder can he be happy and proud where he is? Where ever that is…

There are a few things I have learned by becoming disabled and I honestly do not think I would have learned them otherwise.

One, people matter, the people you have in your circle matter a great deal. They can lift you up, or bring you down. They can make your shoulders heavy with weight or help you carry burdens you have. They can make you cry, or they can make you smile. They can make you angry, or they can make you happier. Everyone knows this of course but to practice having the positive ones around you is a lot harder to practice. I have learned how to do just that, surround myself with positive and discard the negative. You have to believe in your worth in order to be sure you discard the negative people and hold on to the right people.

Two, no one can survive alone and isolated away from human connections. It feels great to make someone smile. It feels great to know others might face the problems you face. It feels great to say I have some great friends in my life.

Lastly, love abundantly. Life ends for everyone but memories can last forever. You impact the world daily with every action and even when we are gone we can impact the world. It is best to leave a lasting, loving, positive impression in stories shared with those who loved you.

Going to college will hopefully leave a lasting impression on my daughters. I want them to be strong, independent women who will not allow anyone or anything hold them back from what they want to do or become. I also hope that I leave a lasting impression that you should never give up and quit without a hard fight.

I hope I live to see the day my two girls go off to college, or get married and have a family of their own but I have come to the realization that I might not. My dad died when my youngest brother was 13 years old. My dad was only fifty when he passed on. We never know when our time is coming but we know tomorrow is never promised. I try to make the most of today everyday. Even in all my pain, struggles and monkeys on my back I make the best of it because that is how I want to be remembered.

I want my children, family and friends to share stories about how strong I was, how loving and determined I was in my life.

This life of mine has not turned out like I dreamed as a very young child but this life I am living has nothing in it I would trade away. My life up to this point has made me who I am today. I am pretty impressed with who I am today and I believe many around me are too.

I have a long road ahead of me to get my teaching degree, I know. The difference between Rachel five years ago and the Rachel today is I am ready and excited for the challenge and the adventure. May God stay with me every step of the way and lead me where it is I am meant to be like he has my whole life thus far.

rememberjourney

This is for you Drew….

Drew Lykins

(9/16/1977-7/24/2014)

 

It’s funny all the things in this world that don’t have much meaning to them. Well, until you lose someone special to you. Things such as lightning bugs at night, a day that mimics a distant old memory of a moment you spent with that person, things like the smell of fresh cut grass, a color you look upon from an old clothing article worn, the sound of a motorcycle revving its engine, or the smell of an oil spill from a mechanics garage….

I believe these things finally retain some sort of meaning to us after we lose someone because we want so badly to be near the person who is gone…

I find myself wanting to see stars in the night sky and lightning bugs flying around freely. I find myself wanting to see a red bandana; I want to smell the fresh grass after a rainfall, even a certain smell from the mud beneath my feet just to catch a glimpse of a childhood memory I know is there and I want to just be in that moment again even if it is only in my mind. That sound from a familiar song that reminds you of a smile they had.  I find myself wanting to lie in the grass gazing it up at the stars smoking that old familiar brand of cigarettes just to feel close to a memory.

You find yourself going over all the time and space in between the years that have passed. Dredging up, from deep inside, this solemn feeling of regret; regret that you have taken advantage of the fact that nothing lasts forever like you hoped.  Regret that you kept telling yourself there is always time. Saying quietly next time I will or I always have tomorrow. Then the day comes when someone tells you that special person is gone forever. You realize in that exact moment of the receiving the news how wrong you were about time, wrong about how life is tough not fragile, and how you wish you could have made just a few more memories, just a few more to add meaning to all the things you thought were miniscule, things surrounding you like the sound of rushing traffic, a cotton ball travelling in the wind, or the smell of brownies in the oven.

My dear friend Drew is gone. He left this world Thursday afternoon and these are the things I’ve been going through the last few days. I am heartbroken and I haven’t figured out how to start the healing process yet. I do not believe you heal from loss completely, you just learn to go on in a new normal of existence with that person absent. This will be the first friend I’ve gone back home to say goodbye too and that is because I loved that boy so much. I have memories with him as far back as I can remember. I feel good about a few things. I feel good that he did know I loved him and he knew he was an important friend of mine. He knew I would have moved the world for him if I had the power. I feel good that I believe deep in my heart he felt the same. The streets we grew up on were tough sometimes. Life at home wasn’t always pancakes and soda pop. School wasn’t always a playground. One thing was always constant though Drew and Rachel running together.

I look back on days of summer when I couldn’t wait to get outside to my bike so I could ride to see him. I look back at the times he snuck to my bedroom window at dark just to say what was up. What a ride. Many people around the neighborhood and school thought for sure we would have ended up being romantically involved, married, boyfriend/girlfriend but it never went that way. I think he loved me and he knew it would have ruined the years of memories we had built. It would have ruined our friendship. He was right if that is what he was thinking. Our love was more of a brotherly/sisterly love than a long lasting love that goes into marriage.

I can see him walking though our old high school, sitting at a desk in some classroom, smoking a cigarette across from the band rooms annex, walking down Hanna towards my bus stop, smiling or giving me a hand gesture as I held a camera, I can see him sitting in the back of the bus saving me a seat, looking back as I was deciding to flee the hometown to better myself with him telling me to go and I can’t help but smile.

Tears start to fall when I am done rolling those memories through my mind because I realize there is no chance of creating new memories, no more conversations, no more pictures to be taken, no more time left….because life is so fragile.

Drew I will love you forever my friend. Save me a seat up there …in the back…I remember we like it there…

 

love-friendship

Death Brings Freedom

My demon says
He can’t wait for your arrival
There will be no survival

You’re like gasoline on an open wound
The anger fuels this rage
Locked within my cage
Burning inside

I never knew
You’d shadow me this way
My demon says
Just close my eyes
And just look at you
Gaze on the putrid man you were
Gaze on the putrid man you are
Won’t be long you’ll depart this life
Then I shall prevail
While blackness fills my eyes
And hatred supplies my soul
You’ll wither like the leaves in the fall
Yet you won’t wake in December
You won’t remember
I’ll finally be free

I never knew
My shadow would feed this craving
Letting out my ravings
The cycle is essential

Like crack cocaine to its whore
The hate for you feeds my greed
Of solemn sounds
In my head, in my dreams, all around

The pain lets me know I still live
As I prepare to see you in a burial place
Sweet bitterness it will give
As you lie there with no saving grace
Standing over you, my enemy
In dreams, and reality
Looking upon your pale face
Thinking about all your disgrace
It will be the last time I face you
Face your lies, severing all ties
Until death we part
I kept the scars layered on my heart
Though the bruises healed neatly
I’ll revel in the day you’re gone from the living
Taken to the dead discreetly

As no one will grieve your death
Easier they come, my breaths
No tears over your demise
I’ll rise

My demon says
He can’t wait for your arrival
There will be no survival

Out Of My Heart, Out Of My Head, Out Of My Dreams

Numb in my soul
Yearning for happiness
That I can’t seem to feel
This void
Can’t seem to be filled
Was it all the death?
Was it all abuse?
That numbed my core?
It has made me sadness’ whore
Why is it so easy to feel sorrow?
It takes such resolve
To see joy in the morrow
I need you gone…
Out of my heart, out of my head…
Out of my dreams…

Am I sick in the head?
Have I died inside?
With all the dead
So much easier, the dread
I see you in my dreams
Haunting me in my sleep
Hell I keep
I need you to go away…
Out of my heart, out of my head…
Out of my dreams…
No one hears my screams
In the dark cold night
As I walk through dreams
You’re everywhere in sight
You can’t love me to death

I’ve always known
You’ve wanted my soul
I know you wait in shadows
I feel your chill in the air
I hear you whisper my name
Pushing me towards insane
Thoughts you put in my mind
Guilt you lay on my heart
A game I want no part
Yet you linger here
So near…

“Rachel” you whisper
Hoping I’ll approach your arms
Hoping I’ll falter and fall
You want all my sin
In exchange for my soul
You’ve never let go
How long must I pray?
For you to be gone…
Out of my heart, out of my head…
Out of my dreams…
I’ll accept the scars
If you will just go…from me

Anxiety getting the best of me as the 13th gets closer???

I’ve had two nightmares in the past week and I am wondering if it is due to the anxiety level I am currently at. The first nightmare I had went like this:

I was downstairs tending to laundry and I came upstairs to check on my kids and noticed my front door was unlocked and my bedroom light was on when I glanced down the hall towards my room. The next thing I know I am being strangled from behind from a big-armed guy. I only got to see the arms of the guy and they were big, and had quite a bit of hair on them. He had me in some sort of sleeper hold and I was passing out as I tried to reach back to his jugular in attempts to break free from his grasp. As I was trying to reach the guys jugular I attempted to yell for my husband that is when I woke up.

Two days later I had another nightmare and it went like this:

I was lying in bed and had just taken my meds. I remember looking at my cell phone for the time and it was a little bit after 11pm. I had dozed off and the next thing I know someone was in the room and had their hand over my hand and mouth. I tried to fight the hand off my face but I could not. I was blinking and squirming around and then I woke up. When I woke up I was having hard time breathing.

Now I’m not sure what those nightmares mean. I think it is possible I am having them because I have very high anxiety right now about some testing I have to have done this coming week. Perhaps the nightmares represent the fact I feel like I am getting suffocated in my real life with these medical problems again. I thought that was all over for me but here I am once again having to get tests done to find out what is going on. I am so scared it will be some sort of cancer. That is one of my greatest fears. Cancer.

I’ve seen too many die from it and suffer a horrible way to leave this world behind. I don’t want that for me, or my family. Most of all as I’ve said previously in other posts, I don’t want to leave until my daughters are raised. That is all I want. I want to make sure they are raised. I’ve seen what it is like when a parent is taken from this earth and a teen or young child is left without that parent. It isn’t pretty in most cases. It wasn’t pretty in the cases I’ve seen. I don’t want my children to have to go through that.

That was the main reason I quit smoking in December of 2007. I was so determined then to put them down and NEVER pick them up again but long behold April of 2008 I ended up picking them up again and I’m still smoking them. I do have plans of trying to quit again. I promised my oldest daughter that I would try to quit again and I will keep that promise. It is just so damn hard to quit!

My mom recently reached out to me and we’ve had some pretty good talks on the phone. I’ll be writing a post about that later today to fill you all in on that stuff. I need some advice with it too so look for that post later on today sometime.

I’m going to end this one now and go try to calm my anxiety down. I need to keep myself from going into frenzies over this. I always think of the worse case scenarios. Anyway thanks for reading cyber world community. I hope that I am still in some of your prayers as the 13th creeps up for the tests. You’ve been great support for me throughout my blogging time here on word press.

Until next time….