It’s funny all the things in this world that don’t have much meaning to them. Well, until you lose someone special to you. Things such as lightning bugs at night, a day that mimics a distant old memory of a moment you spent with that person, things like the smell of fresh cut grass, a color you look upon from an old clothing article worn, the sound of a motorcycle revving its engine, or the smell of an oil spill from a mechanics garage….
I believe these things finally retain some sort of meaning to us after we lose someone because we want so badly to be near the person who is gone…
I find myself wanting to see stars in the night sky and lightning bugs flying around freely. I find myself wanting to see a red bandana; I want to smell the fresh grass after a rainfall, even a certain smell from the mud beneath my feet just to catch a glimpse of a childhood memory I know is there and I want to just be in that moment again even if it is only in my mind. That sound from a familiar song that reminds you of a smile they had. I find myself wanting to lie in the grass gazing it up at the stars smoking that old familiar brand of cigarettes just to feel close to a memory.
You find yourself going over all the time and space in between the years that have passed. Dredging up, from deep inside, this solemn feeling of regret; regret that you have taken advantage of the fact that nothing lasts forever like you hoped. Regret that you kept telling yourself there is always time. Saying quietly next time I will or I always have tomorrow. Then the day comes when someone tells you that special person is gone forever. You realize in that exact moment of the receiving the news how wrong you were about time, wrong about how life is tough not fragile, and how you wish you could have made just a few more memories, just a few more to add meaning to all the things you thought were miniscule, things surrounding you like the sound of rushing traffic, a cotton ball travelling in the wind, or the smell of brownies in the oven.
My dear friend Drew is gone. He left this world Thursday afternoon and these are the things I’ve been going through the last few days. I am heartbroken and I haven’t figured out how to start the healing process yet. I do not believe you heal from loss completely, you just learn to go on in a new normal of existence with that person absent. This will be the first friend I’ve gone back home to say goodbye too and that is because I loved that boy so much. I have memories with him as far back as I can remember. I feel good about a few things. I feel good that he did know I loved him and he knew he was an important friend of mine. He knew I would have moved the world for him if I had the power. I feel good that I believe deep in my heart he felt the same. The streets we grew up on were tough sometimes. Life at home wasn’t always pancakes and soda pop. School wasn’t always a playground. One thing was always constant though Drew and Rachel running together.
I look back on days of summer when I couldn’t wait to get outside to my bike so I could ride to see him. I look back at the times he snuck to my bedroom window at dark just to say what was up. What a ride. Many people around the neighborhood and school thought for sure we would have ended up being romantically involved, married, boyfriend/girlfriend but it never went that way. I think he loved me and he knew it would have ruined the years of memories we had built. It would have ruined our friendship. He was right if that is what he was thinking. Our love was more of a brotherly/sisterly love than a long lasting love that goes into marriage.
I can see him walking though our old high school, sitting at a desk in some classroom, smoking a cigarette across from the band rooms annex, walking down Hanna towards my bus stop, smiling or giving me a hand gesture as I held a camera, I can see him sitting in the back of the bus saving me a seat, looking back as I was deciding to flee the hometown to better myself with him telling me to go and I can’t help but smile.
Tears start to fall when I am done rolling those memories through my mind because I realize there is no chance of creating new memories, no more conversations, no more pictures to be taken, no more time left….because life is so fragile.
Drew I will love you forever my friend. Save me a seat up there …in the back…I remember we like it there…
I have been going to counseling now for about six months or so with my husband. The main reason for going was my marriage was over, or so I thought it was. Maybe it still is…this is what we are trying to figure out in therapy. We were in crisis mode when we decided to go. I had fallen out of love with my husband who I have been with for fourteen years.
It was not just one thing he had done to me that brought us to that point. It was years of neglect and many stupid things he has done, and things he said that built up and brought us to that crossroad. Through the years I tried to explain to him, I tried to show him, I tried to convince him, hell I even asked him to go to couple counseling with me. It took me to tell him I wanted a divorce to finally shock him into going to counseling. I was not impressed. I had been so detached and neglected I did not want to try counseling at this point. My thought was, “oh, NOW, you want to try counseling, what about last year when I asked?” When I mentioned therapy for us the previous year I told him I was feeling very insecure in our relationship and asked him to go. His reply to me at that time was, “You do need therapy, you are crazy not me.” So you can imagine how I felt with him, now ,after telling him I wanted a divorce, he was willing to try this counseling thing.
The first month I was not impressed. It took a long time to bring down the wall I had built. It took a long time to attempt to replace anger with something healthier. I still find myself detached from him quite a bit. Honestly I am not sure where our future is leading us…I agreed to do a year of therapy with the counselor because she said it would probably take that long to get us where we should be. So I plan on keeping my word because that is what I do. I am loyal.
I’m not fighting the therapy like I was in the beginning. I am letting it sink in and I am taking the advice on how to get back on track. I am doing this because I have seen my husband trying to make things better. He has realized many things through therapy…though I think he has a lot more to learn…I will try to be patient in this journey.
A huge part of me is scared that I will never feel attached to him like I was just a few years ago. I love him but I still have doubts about being “in love” with him. I have tried to find the main trigger that creates this detachment in me. I have figured out that it is the past crap he’s done, said and the years of neglect that remind me he is untrustworthy. I am not exactly sure how to get over that. I am not certain he is doing anything to remind me of that or if he is doing things that subconsciously remind me. That will be my next session with therapist.
I understand that love grows to different stages. I understand that the newly wed love stage will most likely not return for us but I know passion could if we could just stay attached. The problem with that is I can’t seem to stay attached to him and I am not 100% sure I truly want to. He is indeed untrustworthy to me. I mean he has said things to me that are awful. Was he lying when he said those things? He doesn’t believe those things now because why? Because I was actually leaving this time. See what I mean?
I am not claiming I’m perfect here. I know I’ve called him an asshole over the years. I have told him to fuck off more then I can count. I will tell you though I have NEVER said something so harsh and hurtful to him like he has done to me. This is where we still have serious problems…
I can’t forget the times he has told me I am crazy. I can not forget his reply when I wanted to go back to school was, “you can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school”, yeah, that was my breaking point. It was shortly after that I finally just said I wanted a divorce.
That was around March of 2012. It all came together right before I got hired at my current job.
I have noticed lately he is more likely to slump back into old habits. When he starts to do that I immediately detach. When I say detach, I don’t mean minor isolation, I mean detach as in putting myself on an island with no way onto that bad boy. It is very hard for me to reattach too. I understand I detach so much because it was many, many years of neglect, abusive spoken words, and snipping away at the trust. I am not sure we’ll figure this out but I am willing to finish out trying to do so.
I am not happy with him like I think I should be. I am not even sure I ever will be again…I do love him a great deal. He is a wonderful father. He isn’t a bad person. We have had many great memories. I wouldn’t wish anything bad on him either. But, I use to look forward to talking with him, going places with him, I use to respect his opinion…these days I still don’t give a shit either way…I try to give a shit but deep down I don’t most of the time…a huge part of me feels guilty for those feelings but I just don’t know what to do…will that change with continued therapy? I don’t know…stay tuned.