August 4, 2009
I know it’s been a long time. I have only tried to go on with my life and savor every moment possible. I’ve been chasing you for 13 years but not wanting to die. I’ve only wanted to live dad, do things that would make you proud. I wanted to let you go but feared of forgetting your face. I’m sorry but I’m tired of running the race. I know I can’t find you in a book, a store, or a show we use to watch on TV….I’ve finally come to see. You’re gone and not coming back to me. I’ve let you go but not forgotten.
I’ve got some things weighing heavy on my soul. I’ve got nowhere to run away too and to you is where I’d want to go. So here I am once again writing to a ghost from my past that I loved with all my soul.
I found a lump under my arm. At first I thought what harm? It doesn’t hurt just leave it be, but then a sad memory came back to me. I remembered how I begged you and pleaded that you’d go. When you started feeling ill and wanted no one else to know. You refused to seek help for something that was growing inside. Then one day it was too late, my senior year you died. Now I’m left with this memory inside my heart, and we are so far apart. It reminded me I have to go.
I did decide to go to the doctor after that memory floated on by. I kept hoping that this wasn’t an omen for the life I’ve lived. I went in with a brave face and your memory held tight. After the exam the doctor gave me quite a fright.
Dad he told me I could have cancer. Boy was I scared. Boy did I want to run, I needed to call you to hear that you cared. I just wanted to hear that voice of reassurance that only came from you. Yet again I was alone in my thoughts holding so tight to you. I thought about my husband, memories of how things were with you, thought about you dying and how hard that was to go through. I thought about my little girls and how I needed to be around for them. I thought about your funeral. I thought about Eve. I thought about all the what if’s that were passing me by…Eventually I just had to break down and cry.
Dad I’m scared! I don’t want to die! I know the facts aren’t in. I know it isn’t certain to be cancer there….I can’t help but think of all I’ve had to spare. All the things I’ve missed with you gone and how life for my girls like that would be so long….it would be so unfair…my husband couldn’t do it all alone. I go Wednesday to have a closer look. To see what that lump is there. I pray that isn’t cancer I don’t want to be the one in that chair. The chair you once sat in. Evelyn sat there too. It’s the chair where the doctor told you they knew…you only had a certain amount of time to live. It’s a chair my father n law sat in not long ago…it will hurt like hell to let him go as well.
I know life ends sometime dad. I remember all the things you told me before. I remember you telling me that life will go on. I know you told me to be strong and live life, go on become a mother and a loyal loving wife. I’ve done those things and wouldn’t trade them for the world but how can they live happily without a mom within reach? I have so much goodness I want to teach. I want to share your wisdom and my sense of faith. I want to see them do things that you never got to see me do….Oh God how I miss you.
I have only told a few family members about the lump there. I figured I’d wait until I knew for sure what is going on before I bring them into the scare. Maybe this will be it and my time will be paced like yours. I’ll have to settle a lot of things and even some scores. Pass around forgiveness and let be what will be. Maybe this is it and God is coming for me. I’m not ready to go anytime soon. But I do know that death is there waiting one day I just don’t want that to be now.
I want you to keep my seat warm there in heaven where I know you are. In the future I’ll be next to you sitting on a star but lets hope God doesn’t let that happen too soon. I got a job to do here with my girls. I love you dad. Pass on a good word to God for me while you’re sipping coffee and playing those cards. You’ll forever be in my heart.
Love Rachel Ann
Posted on Tuesday, August 4, 2009, in Death, faith, family, health, journal, Journal Pages, life, medical, medicine, personal, Poetry, prose, thoughts, writing and tagged cancer, Death, faith, family, life, personal, writing. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.