An update for my readers
Sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been busy with my oldest going back to school. Third grade now! I’ve also had some pretty rough days with my fibromyalgia and the tumor in my back since I’m still not on any medications for the fibro. The tumor pain is from over doing myself out back with my fall planting. I guess I still haven’t figured out how to pace myself.
We spent a week away from home last week. We spent most of that time in WI with my in laws. My father n law gave us some bad news. He said the chemotherapy he was on isn’t working and the cancer has gotten bigger and spread to his spleen and prostate. His pain is MUCH worse. The morphine he’s on isn’t taking care of the pain right now so this I know is VERY bad. He started a new chemotherapy this week in hopes it will prolong his life some but sadly it is soooo hard for me to be optimistic with this situation. I guess I am like that because I’ve lost so many to cancer and have no happy survival stories. I just pray every night that he is given the time he needs and that he is not made to suffer too long. I believe in prayer so that keeps me stronger then I think I would be otherwise. Faith keeps me above water.
I cried when we left. I am so worried about him. I feel helpless too and a part of me says to myself none of it is my place. I’m not his kid. I’m just his daughter by law. He has however always treated me great from the very beginning. Ten years I’ve been with his son and he’s never treated me bad. It is just sad to see someone you love go through such a bullshit thing like cancer. The worst part of it is no matter what he does he’ll lose like so many others….
I had to take a trip to Chicago while we were visiting the in laws. I was made Godmother of my nephew JJ. My husband was made Godfather. We are not catholic so it was a bit nerve racking in the beginning but turned out good. I’m a believer so I guess that is the bottom line. I believe in Christ.
It was a very rough trip for me though. I didn’t sleep and my pain level was extremely high the entire time we were gone. It isn’t anyone’s fault for that. I can’t expect everyone to have an outrageously priced mattress for me to sleep in. It did take me a few days to get my wind back. When I did get my wind back I over did it out back with my fall planting! Another two days to get back on my feet. Except this time I could not walk for two days. I can walk some today so I am thankful it wasn’t a long stretch of being bed ridden.
I have a lot of writing to catch on with the novel I’ve been writing for what feels like ages now. It is a slow process this book and I don’t understand why. I was thinking of maybe taking a breath from it and come back to it later but then I was thinking if I do that I will lose connection with my characters there…there is also the possibility of gaining more insight for my characters. Maybe I have too much mental stress right now to even think about putting out chapters. I just don’t know.
Right now I’m going to go and drink a hot cup of coffee, relax, and enjoy my toddler. Until next time…BE SAFE! God bless.
August 4, 2009
I know it’s been a long time. I have only tried to go on with my life and savor every moment possible. I’ve been chasing you for 13 years but not wanting to die. I’ve only wanted to live dad, do things that would make you proud. I wanted to let you go but feared of forgetting your face. I’m sorry but I’m tired of running the race. I know I can’t find you in a book, a store, or a show we use to watch on TV….I’ve finally come to see. You’re gone and not coming back to me. I’ve let you go but not forgotten.
I’ve got some things weighing heavy on my soul. I’ve got nowhere to run away too and to you is where I’d want to go. So here I am once again writing to a ghost from my past that I loved with all my soul.
I found a lump under my arm. At first I thought what harm? It doesn’t hurt just leave it be, but then a sad memory came back to me. I remembered how I begged you and pleaded that you’d go. When you started feeling ill and wanted no one else to know. You refused to seek help for something that was growing inside. Then one day it was too late, my senior year you died. Now I’m left with this memory inside my heart, and we are so far apart. It reminded me I have to go.
I did decide to go to the doctor after that memory floated on by. I kept hoping that this wasn’t an omen for the life I’ve lived. I went in with a brave face and your memory held tight. After the exam the doctor gave me quite a fright.
Dad he told me I could have cancer. Boy was I scared. Boy did I want to run, I needed to call you to hear that you cared. I just wanted to hear that voice of reassurance that only came from you. Yet again I was alone in my thoughts holding so tight to you. I thought about my husband, memories of how things were with you, thought about you dying and how hard that was to go through. I thought about my little girls and how I needed to be around for them. I thought about your funeral. I thought about Eve. I thought about all the what if’s that were passing me by…Eventually I just had to break down and cry.
Dad I’m scared! I don’t want to die! I know the facts aren’t in. I know it isn’t certain to be cancer there….I can’t help but think of all I’ve had to spare. All the things I’ve missed with you gone and how life for my girls like that would be so long….it would be so unfair…my husband couldn’t do it all alone. I go Wednesday to have a closer look. To see what that lump is there. I pray that isn’t cancer I don’t want to be the one in that chair. The chair you once sat in. Evelyn sat there too. It’s the chair where the doctor told you they knew…you only had a certain amount of time to live. It’s a chair my father n law sat in not long ago…it will hurt like hell to let him go as well.
I know life ends sometime dad. I remember all the things you told me before. I remember you telling me that life will go on. I know you told me to be strong and live life, go on become a mother and a loyal loving wife. I’ve done those things and wouldn’t trade them for the world but how can they live happily without a mom within reach? I have so much goodness I want to teach. I want to share your wisdom and my sense of faith. I want to see them do things that you never got to see me do….Oh God how I miss you.
I have only told a few family members about the lump there. I figured I’d wait until I knew for sure what is going on before I bring them into the scare. Maybe this will be it and my time will be paced like yours. I’ll have to settle a lot of things and even some scores. Pass around forgiveness and let be what will be. Maybe this is it and God is coming for me. I’m not ready to go anytime soon. But I do know that death is there waiting one day I just don’t want that to be now.
I want you to keep my seat warm there in heaven where I know you are. In the future I’ll be next to you sitting on a star but lets hope God doesn’t let that happen too soon. I got a job to do here with my girls. I love you dad. Pass on a good word to God for me while you’re sipping coffee and playing those cards. You’ll forever be in my heart.
Love Rachel Ann
(FNL-Father N Law/ MNL- Mother N Law)
Hello everyone. Sorry I haven’t put anything up with any real substance. I’ve been avoiding the FNL and pancreatic cancer subject. It hurts to think about it. My health hasn’t been the greatest either.
I’ll give you a quick update. My FNL is losing weight each week, but his spirit is still up. His appetite is steady so I’m happy to hear that. He takes his chemotherapy every time it’s due & that takes five hours. He is usually exhausted afterwards and takes a good week to recoup from it all according to my MNL. I only have phone contact. We haven’t been able to get back over to visit. My husband is going over to spend some time with his dad though this coming week for a few days. It will be good for him and his dad.
I was going to have my tubes tied but decided to have a five-year UID instead. That procedure went OK but boy my uterus wasn’t happy for a few days at all. I still have times during the day where I just cramp up. I get to go off the depo-shot so hopefully I lose another ten pounds. My fibromyalgia has not been friendly to me. I’m exhausted all the time but I don’t sleep worth a damn.
I’m trying to come up with a new look for the blog here. It might not stay this way either I don’t know. It looks like I may end up moving the entire blog in order to have a chance to make a little money off of it. I’ll keep you posted on what the future holds on that. I added a poll to the side feel free to vote! Also the stormierachie to the right is my twitter application.
Well I need to get a few loads of laundry done even though I don’t feel like doing it. I’ll post again soon, thanks for reading. Until next time….BE SAFE!
So I thought I’d write and give an update to my readers on my FNL and myself.
For myself I’ve had a tough time with muscle tenderness. I feel like I’ve been beaten badly all over. It hurts to sit, hell it hurts to move at all. I think the little yard work I did brought this fibromyalgia attack on. I’ve been feeling this way for 3 days now. The meds I have are not helping at all. I’ve been using heat wraps to ease it. I will survive this. It will pass. Now about my FNL…
He had his second chemotherapy session. It was worse then the first. It gave him bad diarrhea, and this time it had him throwing up. It drained him of most of his energy so he slept a lot afterwards. This lasted a few days or so.
Now he is back in the normal “denial” living as best he can. He’s having some remodeling done in his home so the small projects are keeping him occupied and his mind off the cancer I imagine. I imagine that is his goal. His goal is to not think about the cancer or the fact he’s dying soon at all.
We haven’t been able to get over there to visit again. We plan to go soon though I just hope there is time. Talking on the phone he sounds great! His spirits are high. His white blood cells are staying up so the chemotherapy hasn’t affected that yet and hopefully it won’t so he won’t have to skip any sessions. I love his strength facing such a devastating situation. I do think of him as a dad even though he is only a father by marriage. I’ve had ten years with him so far and they have been good years. We’ve never fought. He has always treated me great. He treats me like a daughter and always has. I am very sad over this but I try to hide it from my husband and daughters. They will need me to be the rock in this situation. Please pray for me to be able to do that. I haven’t been very good at being a rock for a while now.
I love all my readers and I wish you happiness, good health and safety. Until next time…
I will pray for you J