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The Fear of Dying

Tonight I want to talk about a fear of dying I had before my previous surgery. I truly worried about dying on that table. It was the first time I can say I actually feared dying. I have never feared dying before. Even now, I’m healed and living life normally, I do not fear dying now like I did right before that surgery.

Was that to test my faith in God? I believe it was. I believe God was testing my faith in him. He took care of me like he has always done in the past. Deep down I knew things would turn out how he planned it out for me but I was terrified that I was going to die.

I had said in the previous post that I have felt death surrounding me. I haven’t figured out what that is about. Maybe I don’t want to.

My brother and I had a short conversation the other day on the phone about going to hell or heaven. He says he going to hell because of the life of sin he has lived. I told him that all sin is equal so that would mean that I could go to hell too. He said I had a better shot to getting into heaven then he does. Do I? I don’t think so…

One- I’m not baptized. Two- I take things into my temple that do damage knowingly, smoking being only one of them. Three- I do not attend church and have not for years. Four- I cuss like a sailor without worry. Five- I lack in prayer at night often.

There are five reasons for me not to make the pass into heaven. His list might be longer but every sin listed would be equal in God’s eyes. So I guess that would mean my brother and I both would go to hell.

Does that frighten me? Absolutely! It is one of my biggest worries. The problem is though I don’t take steps to change some of those sins I listed. Some I work on daily but others I don’t even bother. What a joke of a Christian I am! I guess maybe I should not call myself one.

I feel like a Christian because I feel so close to God. I really do even in my sins. I talk to him daily even if I miss my nightly prayers. I feel him in me, and around me. It is really hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced the feeling of Christ. Some will say I’m crazy and that is their right but I KNOW GOD is with me no matter what non-believers say.

I know for sure that God was with me after I came out of anesthesia for my gall bladder surgery. I felt him there. I felt a peace when I woke up that I couldn’t explain to anyone. I felt foolish being so scared of dying after it was all done and over. It wasn’t like all the other times I had gone under.

I had to have a DNC done when I had a miscarriage before and when I awoke from that anesthesia I cried out for my husband who at the time was just my fiancé. I wasn’t at peace at all.

When I had my back surgery and came out of anesthesia it was somewhat similar. I was not quite as unsettled, but I was certainly not at peace like I was after this gall bladder surgery. I am not saying God wasn’t with me those times because I believe he was or I wouldn’t have came through them both. I just didn’t have the connection I have now with him back then. It is sad but true.

I just wish I could figure out why I was so scared of dying this last time I went under for gall bladder surgery. I wish I could figure out why I feel death around me too.

I have lived a rough life up until now. I have had a lot of demons to deal with and conquer. I’ve had a rough time dealing with depression and learning how to truly forgive. Through this journey in my life it has brought me to a connection with God that I never thought I’d have. My dad told me how great it was to be so close to God as I grew up. I was a fucked up angry kid, teenager, and later a young adult that couldn’t see it. I didn’t see the big picture then as I see it now. All I could see then was the pain I lived.

I never had a relationship with my mother. Some family members sexually abused me. I abused drugs to escape. My first husband abused me. My dad was my hero, and best friend and died my senior year. I drank obsessively for years. All of that kept me away from God when in reality it should have pulled me closer to him. It made me hate him for a long time. I blamed him for all of it. It made me think that he wasn’t a loving, forgiving lord, but a lord that left his children to these abuses.

I see things so differently now. It is weird how your perceptions change, as you grow older. Will the past send me to hell? I think it will send me to hell if I don’t make things right and live by Gods rules. I have to forgive, let go, and enter into Gods arms. I’ve handled my past. Those demons are finally dead and gone.

I have to now fight the present demons that prevent me from being the Christian I want to be.

Am I afraid to die tonight? Strangely, no I am not. God bless to my readers. I’m going to go now and read a book, relax and try to not think too much more tonight.

Until next time…