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For the love of…

brokenheartnow

I have been going to counseling now for about six months or so with my husband. The main reason for going was my marriage was over, or so I thought it was. Maybe it still is…this is what we are trying to figure out in therapy. We were in crisis mode when we decided to go. I had fallen out of love with my husband who I have been with for fourteen years.

It was not just one thing he had done to me that brought us to that point. It was years of neglect and many stupid things he has done, and things he said that built up and brought us to that crossroad. Through the years I tried to explain to him, I tried to show him, I tried to convince him, hell I even asked him to go to couple counseling with me. It took me to tell him I wanted a divorce to finally shock him into going to counseling. I was not impressed. I had been so detached and neglected I did not want to try counseling at this point. My thought was, “oh, NOW, you want to try counseling, what about last year when I asked?” When I mentioned therapy for us the previous year I told him I was feeling very insecure in our relationship and asked him to go. His reply to me at that time was, “You do need therapy, you are crazy not me.” So you can imagine how I felt with him, now ,after telling him I wanted a divorce, he was willing to try this counseling thing.

The first month I was not impressed. It took a long time to bring down the wall I had built. It took a long time to attempt to replace anger with something healthier. I still find myself detached from him quite a bit. Honestly I am not sure where our future is leading us…I agreed to do a year of therapy with the counselor because she said it would probably take that long to get us where we should be. So I plan on keeping my word because that is what I do. I am loyal.

I’m not fighting the therapy like I was in the beginning. I am letting it sink in and I am taking the advice on how to get back on track. I am doing this because I have seen my husband trying to make things better. He has realized many things through therapy…though I think he has a lot more to learn…I will try to be patient in this journey.

A huge part of me is scared that I will never feel attached to him like I was just a few years ago. I love him but I still have doubts about being “in love” with him. I have tried to find the main trigger that creates this detachment in me. I have figured out that it is the past crap he’s done, said and the years of neglect that remind me he is untrustworthy. I am not exactly sure how to get over that. I am not certain he is doing anything to remind me of that or if he is doing things that subconsciously remind me. That will be my next session with therapist.

I understand that love grows to different stages. I understand that the newly wed love stage will most likely not return for us but I know passion could if we could just stay attached. The problem with that is I can’t seem to stay attached to him and I am not 100% sure I truly want to. He is indeed untrustworthy to me. I mean he has said things to me that are awful. Was he lying when he said those things? He doesn’t believe those things now because why? Because I was actually leaving this time. See what I mean?

I am not claiming I’m perfect here. I know I’ve called him an asshole over the years. I have told him to fuck off more then I can count. I will tell you though I have NEVER said something so harsh and hurtful to him like he has done to me. This is where we still have serious problems…

I can’t forget the times he has told me I am crazy. I can not forget his reply when I wanted to go back to school was, “you can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school”, yeah, that was my breaking point. It was shortly after that I finally just said I wanted a divorce.

That was around March of 2012. It all came together right before I got hired at my current job.

I have noticed lately he is more likely to slump back into old habits. When he starts to do that I immediately detach. When I say detach, I don’t mean minor isolation, I mean detach as in putting myself on an island with no way onto that bad boy. It is very hard for me to reattach too. I understand I detach so much because it was many, many years of neglect, abusive spoken words, and snipping away at the trust. I am not sure we’ll figure this out but I am willing to finish out trying to do so.

I am not happy with him like I think I should be. I am not even sure I ever will be again…I do love him a great deal. He is a wonderful father. He isn’t a bad person. We have had many great memories. I wouldn’t wish anything bad on him either. But, I use to look forward to talking with him, going places with him, I use to respect his opinion…these days I still don’t give a shit either way…I try to give a shit but deep down I don’t most of the time…a huge part of me feels guilty for those feelings but I just don’t know what to do…will that change with continued therapy? I don’t know…stay tuned.

My Life In Puzzle Pieces -Jessica Hamm Wert

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

cousins

Jessica Hamm Wert

Jessica is one of my closest family members. I have always thought of her as a sister, and I always will! There isn’t a memory growing up that doesn’t include her. I love her more then anyone could possibly know.

We did everything together our whole lives growing up. Her mom is the closest aunt I have. Jessica is one in my family who knows every dirty secret I have. She is one of the most trusted family members I have. I would do anything in my power for her.

We fought like sisters, we made up like sisters, we grew like sisters and I will die continuing to call her my sister.

When I left Ohio at age nineteen we lost touch a little. I went to clean myself up and find a better way to be me. Through the years I’ve missed not being there in town with her. I have missed not being around to see her beautiful children grow. I have missed not being there for a support system to her but she has always understood that my hometown is not a place for me. She knows as well as I do that if I lived there again I’d be right back on drugs and most likely would have been dead by now.

I get homesick from time to time and she is one reason I do. I know though I can’t go back there…it would be a bad outcome for me. I’d rather love her in a distant then be close to her and be the addict I was for so long. I am not proud of that but she understands it.

We are connected with social media. Hell she was one of the few who I opened a facebook account for. I wanted to be connected to her so I wouldn’t be missing out on so much in her life.

We danced for hours on weekends. We skated at the local rink on weekends. We obsessed over Guns N Roses together. Every memory I have of her in my life is cherished…even the fights we have had. She truly is a blessing in my life.

She was there in the worst of times I’ve had, and she has been there for some of the best of times I’ve had. I cherish her like no other and that will never change. Jess thank you for being a cousin, a best friend and a sister to me. I will love you forever.

She is one of the most caring, giving people I know in my life and if you are lucky enough to have her in your life don’t hurt her because I will break your face. 

Oh Little Brother

brother-and-sister

 

Oh little brother

What have you done?

Don’t fret over the mess

Life is nothing less

Time passes by

and we grow apart

but oh little brother

you are always in my heart

forgive the ones that pass you by

forgive the ones who are by your side

receive the blessings of life

in small rounds of laughter

pauses in silence that bring you peace

oh brother I love you so much

not only because I am your sister

because life is a mess

a tangled web of sorrows

not promised many tomorrows

so I want you to know

oh little brother

don’t fret over the mess

life is nothing less

and I want you to forgive me

for time that has passed

forgive me for growing further

from home in my body

know my heart has never faltered

and I love you so little brother

one day I shall be called away

just listen to what I say

Oh little brother…

look at all you have done

don’t fret over the mess

life is nothing less

and I will love you then

even when I am gone

and not only because I am your sister

but because we have grown

from our family tree

I am very proud to see

the seeds you have planted

so oh little brother

don’t fret over the little mess

life is nothing less

just remember

I shall love you forever

 

Now you want in my life? Why?

I wanted you to care long ago but YOU refused. You made me feel small so many times over the years. Now you want to enter my life again when I let you go long ago. I was forced at your hand and actions to LET YOU GO, it ripped at my heart but I did it. I survived it even as lonely as it started out I SURVIVED. Now you want to know how I am and be my friend? WHY? What is your hidden agenda here? Am I supposed to believe you are being genuine now after all these years of being a snob to my feelings and me?

My life was so chaotic with you entwined in it that I had no other choice when you shunned me but to cut you loose. I needed a quiet mind. I found a quiet mind. Now you show up at my feet wanting me to accept you back into my life…contemplating this decision is agony because you were like my sister I thought so long ago. You ended up being just another family member I had to let go of. I started to think of myself better then the treatment I received and the love I really was lacking from you. The closeness I tried to hold for so long yet it was always one sided wasn’t it? Yes it was and when I finally realized that I knew it was time to cut you loose.

Why couldn’t you just let me go as well? Why do you need to become part of my life again? What is the motive here? You are not a trustworthy person in my eyes any longer…you hurt me and forced me to let you go…

A huge part of me wants to accept you back but I know I’ll only be burned. It has been that way since the beginning of us my dear and you know it if you are honest enough with yourself. There was a time I was kicked so badly when I was down…some of the kicks came from you…you shunned me at a time in my life I NEEDED you. I even tried to encourage you to be in my life after that…still I was trying to force something you did not share feeling with…if you had I would have not been forced to cut you loose when I did. Why couldn’t you love me then? Why couldn’t you have just been there for me then? Why didn’t you wonder and worry about me then? WHY NOW!?

I think of you often…I wonder how you are doing. I wish you all the happiness and wellness in the world even though I cut you out of my life. The hurt you have caused however is unforgettable and the scars show every time in my eyes when I do think of you. When I wish I had that sister to talk too it shows in the tears that run down my cheeks because you didn’t want me, you didn’t love me unconditionally like family is supposed to do…

Now I have to grieve the loss of you all over because you stepped up to want to be in my life again for a reason I can’t seem to see…why do you play these games with my heart and loyalty? Why must you hurt me the way that you do? Why couldn’t you just let go of me like I done you?

Oh how I’ve longed for the relationship with you…oh how I’ve needed it over the years of my pain, loss, hurt, and trials. You were not there ever. I did nothing to deserve the treatment…I never deserved to be ignored and hurt the way you done…I don’t deserve it now and I know this now. I am worth more then that dear…I am worth more then being your lap dog to kick while I’m down to make yourself feel better about your own life.

I’m afraid I will deny your access even though I want to hug you and take you back into my life…I would be a fool to listen to my heart this time…NO I will listen to the logic in my brain and words my dad spoke all the time…”Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me, it should never be a third time.” I love you. I always will love you and the memories I have of the two of us I will always cherish…I have to go on without you I believe. No matter how bitter this decision might make you just know it is not made out of hate for you. I could NEVER hate you.

Dear Dad 2010

Dear Dad,

I need to write to you tonight. I need to face this pain. I can’t ignore the emptiness that still remains. I wonder how it is for you…where ever you are…sometimes I feel as though you aren’t that far. I sense you watching over my shoulder as I tend to my girls or as I tend to one of my household chores. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.

Life is strange at times and I just wish I could call. I just wish I could hear your voice on the other side of the wall. You had such wisdom and you never held back. So much I need to tell you every single day. I only see you in dreams but never get a chance to stay. I awake to reality. It is bittersweet. I love my husband and my girls; yet I need my dad within reach.

Armin’s dad is sick now. He fights the fight you fought. They gave him three months to live. I’m not sure if I can do this over dad, to watch another die. I don’t know if I can be the strength he’ll need when he has to say goodbye. I know the void that will remain for him in the end. What can I do to help him mend? I’m still broken inside. All I know to do is pray.

14 years will have passed in a few months since you’ve left. It still seems like yesterday but I have two beautiful girls. I’ve actually put on weight! I’ve cut ties with toxic family members. I’ve determined to stay closer to other family members I’ve missed out over the years. I’ve seen my younger pesky brother marry and have a child! I’ve had my faith tested many times and have had it grown in strength over these passing years. I’ve been published over these passing years dad! I’ve been disabled. I finished school, and going back now for career change. All of this has happened as time flies by me yet when I think of you it is as if time has frozen in the year 1996.

It still feels good to write you. Perhaps others will continue to call me insane. Should I be that vain? We both know how others talk. They have too much time on their hands. I will write you just the same when you’ve been gone for 20 years. I’ll get to tell you about all my gray hairs. I love and miss you dad. Continue to wait for me. I’ll be there someday I pray.

January 8, 2010