Blog Archives

Fighting depression with all I got!

Today is an OK day for me. I can’t say that to often during these cold seasons. I have been able to get my dishes done and make it down to the office to write a short post to the BLOG.

I have some slight burning in my muscles right now and I am hoping that will fade although I know it won’t. It probably will only get worse. I’ve been entertaining myself with Christmas music to keep me in a good mood. I am pretty depressed right now.

I am unhappy with a lot of things. Some of those things I won’t write about here. It isn’t time yet. Soon though I may have to let it out to the BLOG world. I will fight this depression as I have been with all I’ve got. I won’t give in to it. I will fight until I can’t no longer.

You all know the usual stuff around holidays that concern people who battle depression. Lost loved ones they miss badly. I am thinking of dad, Eve and others quite a bit. Reminiscing about old times in my mind.

I actually had a good memory come to me about my mom the other day. I had remembered how she used to break off pieces of Hershey bars to give to me. Dad would buy her Hershey bars, and chocolate covered cherries. Those were her favorites. I loved it when she shared them with me. I can look back now at her sitting in the corner chair calling me over to her. It was nice to remember that after all the grief with her. I guess I don’t have all bad stuff regarding my mom growing up.

We were very poor growing up. I remember being hungry a lot of times. There was very little food in the house most of the time. My brothers and I lived a pretty rough life. So those times that mom would share her chocolates with me were pretty damn special.

Anyway, I just wanted to let the BLOG world know I’m surviving fibromyalgia still. I’m surviving the tumor in my back still too. One day at a time.

Pray for me that my depression subsides soon and I don’t go any lower then I already am…

Be safe folks.

Until next time…

The Abusive Relationship of Fibromyalgia (*Some strong language*)

This is a relationship I can’t leave. I will have FMS for the rest of my life. I have nerve damage that doctors believe brought on my severe case of FMS so the future does not look bright for me getting rid of this illness.

I had to see my doctor a week ago. She increased my dose of cymbalta hoping it will help with pain. I go back in December to give her an update on how it has done. I found out I have an ear infection again too. Strange but hopefully the antibiotic will take care of that and my sinus problem.

Oh how I am dreading winter coming. I have so many bad days so far and it isn’t even winter yet! It has only been down to the 20’s and 30’s for low temps here. If I can’t handle that what will I do when it gets below zero?!? I am very concerned about this.

Fibromyalgia beats me up often. I’d call the cops but they got no remedy. Look, you have to try to have some sort of sense of humor when dealing with something so permanent and debilitating. If I didn’t try to have some sort of humor some of the time I would go nuts.

I have been having very bad headaches for over two weeks now. The headaches are the reason I went into to see my doctor in the first place besides getting refills on my scripts. They are not the same type of headaches I use to get. I have always gotten migraines. They started when I was a kid and never stopped. I have just dealt with them until I got on topamax. That medicine given to me for my tumor pain seemed to have helped with keeping the migraines at bay. Well, until now.

I was getting dizzy spells with them which was pretty scary. The ear infection seems to be the reason for the dizziness. That has subsided. I still however keep getting the headaches. They start out just bothersome. They just linger around. It feels like my entire head is in a vice and at any second someone is going to tighten it and that is when the shooting pain comes. The shooting pain brings the migraine full force. I have the lingering pain everyday. It starts usually after I have been out of bed for a couple of hours. I have no idea what is triggering this.

My doctor said if they still hung around when I came back in December she’d do a scan of my head to make sure things were ok up there. I really think it might be linked to my sinuses somehow. I’ve had problems since high school.

I weighed in there of course and almost had a heart attack! I just don’t know wtf to do about my weight. I can’t exercise due to the tumor, and the diet shit just doesn’t seem to be enough. It seems that when I hit age 30 my body said fuck you bitch the pounds are not going anywhere! I have to figure something out very soon though or I will end up in a place I don’t want to be in…a place I can’t live in…

Friends and family say things like, “You don’t look big.” Or “You’re tall and the weight looks good on you.” And “You look healthy with the weight on.”

Sometimes I feel like screaming. “I AM FUCKING FAT AND 30 POUNDS OVER WEIGHT! HOW IS THAT HEALTHY FOR MY BODY AND BACK?” but I don’t scream. I bite my tongue and say yeah I guess you are right. I don’t want to hurt them. I know they mean well. I know they probably believe the things they tell me. They just don’t understand the situation I am in. Truly they don’t get it. I don’t think anyone understands it but me. This is something I am alone in.

My husband gives me advice like, “Drink water. Stop eating candy and snacks.” That is GREAT advice but one of those I can’t take. I have changed on the snacking, chips, and candy. That is pretty much over. Water however won’t happen. I can’t drink water. I know that I should cut out the small amount of soda I drink. That will help a little I guess. It is empty calories I am taking in. I hate diet soda so I won’t switch to that. I am afraid to just stop drinking it due to caffeine intake. Without a certain amount of caffeine my headaches get worse. I drink more coffee then I do soda though.

This is a dilemma I have to get a hold on. It is really dragging me down with depression and stress. I am becoming compulsive over it.

My muscles have been burning, aching, and I wake up everyday stiff as a board. If it weren’t for my lyrica I couldn’t make it through my day. It really has been a great drug for me. If you are suffering with FMS and haven’t been given lyrica perhaps you should ask your GP to try it out. It might make your days a little easier.

I have been on lyrica for a year now and it doesn’t help completely with every symptom but it certainly has made more days easier then it was before I was on it.

Well until next time, take care and thanks for reading along.

It is getting to be too much…

Why does life have to be so hard? Financial problems, emotional problems, physical problems, and they are getting to be too much for me.

I try to put up a strong front for my husband because I know he is vexed about his job security, our finances, our home, our medical coverage, my depression and my health. I don’t know how much longer I can pull it off though folks. I am sinking fast.

Yesterday I started getting these pains in my head as if a headache was coming on but it was followed by dizziness and blurred vision. I have no idea what it is all about. It has continued today. I called and made an appointment with my doctor but can’t get in until Nov. 5th. I wonder if it is my blood pressure? It does run in my family but I’ve always had low blood pressure so not so sure. Sinus problem? I do have awful sinuses and I smoke so could it be that I ask myself? I rule out any medication because I’ve been on all my medicine for over a year now so I doubt it be that. Wonder what is going on now with me? I guess I’ll find out Nov. 5th hopefully.

Right now as I type one of the episodes is coming on. I feel it in my head right now.

Sorry had to take a few minute break there for that to pass. WTF! It is scary when it happens. It passes pretty quickly however so that is good I guess.

I think I am going to go lay down and take a nap since my little one is getting ready to take a nap herself. Lets hope these dizzy spells end or that I find out what is going on with them soon.

Until next time…



Etched Into Your Brain Forever

I’ve been away awhile. I’ve been trying so hard to get my backyard ready for my shipment of perennials bulbs coming next month. It is a big task that I took on. It is hard to do with my back and recently I have found out I have something wrong with the arch of my right foot! That makes getting the task done even harder. I am determined to get it done in time though. I really have no other choice. The land has to be ready.

That is not why I decided to write in my BLOG today however. I want to discuss death. Yes, some of you are probably saying to yourselves not again, or what is with this woman! LOL

Seriously though. I have been thinking so much about my aunt Eve today. She passed on some time ago but it still feels like yesterday. Doesn’t it always feel that way when someone you love passes on?

You never forget the moment you are told that the person is gone. The details of that exact moment are etched into your brain forever. You never forget who was the one who passed on the news to you either.

I was called about my aunt Eve by my cousin K. I was in my old residence sitting at my dining room table. Yep, it feels like yesterday still.

It is the same with everyone that I love that has passed on. I remember every single moment I was told and who informed me of the news. Of course the hardest was that of my dad. It’s been twelve years now, almost thirteen and it still feels so fresh in my mind and heart.

I wonder why even as so much time passes it still feels so vulnerable, so world crushing, so breath taking to think on those moments or those loved ones?

I don’t ask anymore if with time will it get easier. I know the answer to that one already. It really doesn’t. It isn’t easier by no means; you just find a way to cope through each day in order to survive. You find ways to not break down. Some people may say that is what makes it easier but for me no way. It isn’t easier at all. If anything it is harder. It gets so tiring trying to get through each and every day not being able to make that phone call you were so use to making. It gets so hard to drink that cup of coffee that reminds you of them so often. It is hard to hold back tears that are just on the verge of breaking through the surface of your eyes. It is hardest to watch things change as years pass and children come into the world and those loved ones passed don’t get to enjoy….

No, it doesn’t get easier.

I talked to my aunt Eve every single day. There was not a day that passed I didn’t talk to her. I can’t remember a day in my entire life where she wasn’t present in some way. I miss her so badly folks. I planted some hollyhocks in remembrance of her. She loved those flowers. I put them along my house and I look at them daily and think of her and long so badly to be able to call her and talk to her about gardening. I long to talk to her about a lot of things.

I will miss her today like I do every day that has passed. I will continue to miss her daily in the future. I guess I will struggle through today hoping I find a way to cope with not having her to call. I loved her so much…

I just had to write about her today. I had to tell the world how I was feeling. Thanks for listening. (Reading)

Until next time…