Category Archives: Suicide
Sick and tired all the time
Oh how I wish I could rewind
Or fast forward this show
give me somewhere to go…
where my heart is free
where my soul can sing
where I matter in the world
Here, it’s so cold
It numbs me whole
Making me the fool
trying to keep my cool
using me like a tool
life is so cruel
and I’m fucking sick of it.
I want to cut my vein
bring on the end
but loyalty keeps me in
like being bedridden with sin
Is this really who I was supposed to be?
A lonely soul
Living in pain everyday
What price must I pay?
This is all fucked up…
I no longer want to play…
this part of suffering
with loneliness that could shatter worlds
pushing me to look for salvation
in things that only kill the soul
a bottle of booze
a bottle of pills…
fighting everyday to be someone new
Why have I been forsaken?
in all the good I try to do…
It’s not good enough for you?
I’m not alone…but I’m alone
and I’m fucking sick of it…
for my children I will carry on
an empty vessel at sea
pretending to feel free
but being confined by pain
I’ve been forsaken
For reasons I don’t see
I fight the urge to go…
I’m fucking sick of it all…
I want to talk about being sick and a recovering addict today.
Let’s talk about being sick first. I just recently had a rheumatoid doctor diagnose me with Anklyosing Spondylitis (A.S) and well though we have thought for a long time I’ve had this disease we waited as long as we could to medicate me with immune suppressants. I came to a point in the disease I had no other choice but to start on humira. It is an injection I take every two weeks. I give it to myself now.
I was waking up so stiff I needed help to get out of bed when I finally went to doctor for medication for the disease. It became horrible. I have been on humira since May of 2013. I have noticed considerable change in my body with the medicine. It has been such a change that I wish I had gone on the humira sooner then what I decided. I avoided the medicine out of fear that it suppresses the immune system. I am still concerned about it making me sick with cancer, or flu like stuff one day but the relief I have received thus far is worth the risk.
I have so many health issues. It wears me out. It is exhausting being so sick with so many problems. None of which have a cure either! It is a daily battle for me to get out of bed and carry on my day as normally as I can to fit in to society. Some days I just hold myself up at home because that is all I can do those days. I have a tarlov cyst that is a constant source of pain. I have a neuroma that is a constant source of nerve pain, burning sensations, and fatigue. I have fibromyalgia which has become a nightmare of burning muscles, weak muscles, over active sensory problems like over sensitive to light, sun, noise, smells, and motion. Now on top of those things I have A.S. Which is a progressive arthritis of the spine and joints. The A.S leaves me fatigued, pain in the back, knees, elbows, feet, hips, neck and lower back. It is so damn exhausting!
There have been many nights I have thought about ending it all. To be honest the only thing that keeps me around are my beautiful daughters. I love them so much. I love being their mom. They are why I live. I know it is sad to read that I am suicidal and probably makes you wonder how stable am I to even think these things…well it might not be normal to think about ending it for you…but I know living with chronic pain the way I do makes it very normal. I am not a risk to myself because I have found something to live for even in the darkest hour of my pain, illness and fatigue. My kids. I have not found a way to stop the ideas from creeping into my thoughts at times but I don’t act on them. I don’t think I ever would for a few reasons. The biggest being my wonderful daughters. The second is my faith in Christ. I know I suffer these ailments for a reason. I am not sure the reason yet in my life but when it is all said and done it will be clear why I had to live my life the way he chose. The final reason are the friends I have today. The support they have for me is like coming up for fresh air in the middle of an ocean.
I try very hard to stay positive. I wake up and tell myself something positive and remind myself through the day that I have so much to be thankful for so do not focus on the pain. Some days this is so hard to do…some days I am so tired from fighting against the pain that I have no energy left for anything and that to breathe takes everything left in me.
Living a life like mine isn’t easy. It doesn’t help when you don’t get support or understanding from those around you either. I know I have had friends think I didn’t care for them as much as I say because I don’t hang out with them often. I don’t call them a lot. I am not sure what to do about that. My energy reserve is very low and most of what I do have has to go to my two kids first. Usually I have none left to share with anyone. When I am working it is even worse. Hell my kids then get very little of my time. I work, cook dinner and go right to bed only to repeat this same routine five days a week. I get a summer vacation when school is out so that is a nice break for me. The summer break allows my kids to get more of my time and energy. Unfortunately my friends do not.
Is that fair? No I don’t think it is. I only know that I can’t change the way I feel. I take one day at a time. I hope I have friends now that understand this part of me and know I do love them regardless of the time we spend together. I have lost lots of friends over the years because I am sick. They got pissed off I couldn’t do what they wanted me to do and quit talking to me. The friends I have lost I know now were just users. They were only my friend because I could do something for them at the time. When it came down to the point in my life I couldn’t help them they weren’t interested. Sure, it hurts to lose friends in the moment, but as I have had time pass I have come to realize they were really never friends. They were what I call users. We all have these in our lives at some point. Some hang on to them longer then they should if you ask my opinion.
Anger is a huge issue I have. I fight the anger demon daily too. I get so pissed off at my circumstance. It eventually leads to loneliness. I feel angry that I’m sick and can’t do the great things I want to do then I end up feeling lonely because I realize in this battle I am truly alone. I am the one who has to walk with the pain, sleep with the pain, wake with the pain and no one knows this but me. It gets hard for those around me to understand because I don’t look sick. I look like a vibrant 35 year old woman but my looks deceive you.
The pain is a third wheel in all my relationships. It gets pretty damn exhausting carrying this wheel around everywhere I go. It interferes with friendships, my marriage, my relationship with my children, hell it even interferes with my own self on a daily basis. It is crazy I have to wake up every single day and have a plan on what I will spend my energy on. I have some energy for a shower, some energy for my kids, some energy for cooking dinner, doing laundry that day, and energy to give to my husband when he gets off work. Hell most of the time I have NONE when he gets home and it is very frustrating. It gets even more frustrating when he doesn’t seem to grasp understanding of what all is wrong with me.
I am also a recovering addict. The health shit I carry around interferes with my sobriety on a daily basis. I am an opium addict. I became an opium addict in 1995. I left home to clean myself up in 1999. I have had one relapse in sobriety and that was in 2006 after my first back surgery when a doctor put me on Oxycontin. I abused the pills for about a year and in 2007 I went cold turkey again and have battled everyday since to stay clean. The Oxycotin battle went well into 2011. My addiction did not start with pills though. My addiction started with smoking it in a pipe. I think about opium every single day at least once. I think about how numb it makes you and how you feel no pain on it. I think to myself often if I could just smoke a pipe of opium I’d have no pain at all and could be normal…being a chronic pain patient makes being a recovering addict even harder to do.
Right now I wish I was high. If I were high right now I wouldn’t feel the pain in my lower back, my hands wouldn’t be aching, and my neck and shoulders would be completely relaxed. These are just some things I think about on a daily basis. What stops me from acting on these thoughts? Well simple….my kids. Again they are the reason I try to be a role model. I want them to have the best life possible and grow into responsible, caring, normal adults and that requires me to stay clean.
I am very fortunate. I know many addicts don’t get away from the grasp of opiates. Hell most end up heroin addicts. I know this. I’ve lost friends to this trend of opiate abuse that lead them to heroin. If I had not left home when I did I probably would have been led to heroin too. I would have used it to medicate my pain away and would have ended up strung out on it and eventually killing myself. I know this without a doubt. I know once you do heroin it grips so tightly that it is a miracle to get away from it. I take one day at a time.
I avoid opiate users. I have had doctors note my medical file to avoid long term prescriptions and if ever prescribed it must be very small amount and there must be no other options. I am glad I was educated enough at the time I left my hometown that I knew to have a successful shot at staying clean you had to change your entire life scene. That is what I did and I think that is why I was successful in getting clean and staying clean for so long. I honestly think I would not have relapsed at all had I not been put on Oxycontin for pain. These things happened for a reason. I am not 100% sure the reason but I know Christ has one. Maybe it was to make me a better mother then what I would have been had I not done these drugs. Maybe it was to show others that it can be done. YOU CAN GET CLEAN and stay that way. Maybe I became an addict because I was suppose to leave my hometown so I could have a shot at a better life. I don’t know. All I know is I am thankful. Even when I wake angry about it, even when I feel so lonely in it all, even when I think that things would be better if I ended it, I end up where I belong. I end up being thankful and remembering why I carry on. I remember how I cleaned myself up and understand that in itself is a remarkable feat.
I know having chronic pain for the rest of my life is not going to be easy. It hasn’t been easy yet. I know living with my pain leaves me very vulnerable to relapsing again. These things I make sure I don’t forget. It keeps me vigilant against the monster lurking just around the corner in a pill bottle, a pipe, or powder. I take one day at a time and pray often. I love my friends that understand my problems and are there to support me when I need them. I love them for understanding that even if I can’t hang with them often I think of them often. They are the other reason I stay clean and carry on.
Everyone has their own story to tell. Everyone has their own struggle to fight. This is just a piece of mine. Thank you for reading. It felt good to let it out.
We all have those times when we get lost in the past. You know those times don’t you? Times when you think about some decisions you’ve made in your life that you consider to be mistakes. You feel guilty about some memories that haunt you because they scarred you in some way. So you continue to carry about the baggage even though you know you shouldn’t and it destroys everything around you. The stuff that prevents or provokes you from finishing projects, beginning projects, staying in relationships, staying in bad relationships, finding peace in the day, loving freely, trusting anyone including yourself, preventing you from living life and enjoying it to the fullest.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We feel as though we should punish ourselves because of the wrongs in our past. We sit and dwell on what if this, what if that? We’re human that is why we do these things. That really is the only answer I can come up with.
We yearn for perfections. We want a perfect world. We want a perfect life, perfect love, perfect home, neighborhoods, friendships, childhoods…ah perfections is what we ache to acquire but we never own.
Flaws are a unique part of every one of our personalities, lives, and world’s within worlds. The flaws are what make us who we are. The fact I was raised in a very poor household makes me the giver I am. It makes me more compassionate as a person today then I think I would have been if I’d grown up differently. Even though some of my past is very hurtful it has made me into the woman I am today. Sure it would have been lovely to have not had those terrible things happen to me but it happened and staying back there isn’t going to allow me to go anywhere in the future. I will get lost back there. I have been lost back there many times as I’m sure some of you have been lost in your own past. Wondering how to get out, how to stop thinking about certain times, memories, wishing you had some sort of way to fix what had happened to you, wishing you could have made a different choice. There is no way of fixing it, forgetting it, changing it. All one can do is learn to live with the fact it happened and accept the fact it’s shaped them forever.
Certainly you can’t go forward if you are too busy looking backwards. I’ve learned that the hard way. I held on to my past for so long and so tight thinking that if I didn’t hold onto I’d NEVER get over it. Well, let me tell you first hand that is not the way to get over bad choices, regrets, abuse, scars, and loneliness. You have to let go. You have to embrace it, work through it, and LET IT GO!
We can start to feel sorry for ourselves too at times and we end up right back there don’t we? It is bound to happen from time to time. The key is not to stay there for too long. You have to get out of there as quickly as possible. Being back there saps your energy, your future views and dreams, it reminds you of things about yourself that are easy to hang onto instead of allowing you to view yourself as a survivor. It’s harder to see yourself as a survivor because ultimately you still have self esteem issues. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be dwelling on those past issues still today. It’s so easy to see yourself, as a screw up isn’t it? So easy to see yourself as a loser stuck in a life you’re unhappy about isn’t it? So easy! I know I’ve been there many times too.
It’s hard to see all the great things you’ve done, especially when you get low and want to go back there. It’s hard at times to see how much good I bring to my children at times. It is hard at times to see that I’m a great wife to my husband. It gets hard to see those things when you feel so low I know. You really have to fight it and try hard to see those things. Find something that will help guide the way for you. Could it be bible verses? Could it be dance music? Find what brings you out of the lows and surround yourself with that. Try to avoid what brings on your lows. I know eventually one will come on no matter what you do. The lows still hit me at times. I write a lot of those times. Maybe you should try that as a release of those past demons. You have to learn to recognize them lows and go to what brings you out quickly. Sometimes lows can be very dangerous. If you feel like you are not coming out of the lows soon enough or feel suicidal you should seek professional help immediately. You might have a chemical imbalance that needs medications to level off. Please don’t delay.
So while you’re back there visiting your ghosts, demons, joys, memories, or whatever it is back there in your past….just remember not to stay long because you can’t go forward looking back. Also those things you see back there made you the wonderful you that you are today. God bless.
Everyone has had times throughout his or her life that has been hard to deal with in some way. The level of how hard it is for each person I imagine varies. I think of this today because there is a woman in my neighborhood who I see at the bus stop everyday. She is a very kind lady. She is the grandmother of the child that goes to school with my daughter. This lady is from Africa and she said she plans on going back home in June.
Knowing her this year I have found out her children were born in Africa but she had to leave her home country when her children were small in order to be safe. She said after the war men were coming into her village and killing her people. She brought her children here to the states and raised them well. Her daughters are very successful. I can’t imagine living through something like that. Can you? To have to flee from your country in order to stay alive…when I hear about these things I feel so stupid because my hurt is so much smaller than those out in the WORLD.
She said she was excited to go home again because things are different there in her village now. She said she must go home to be with her sister who is ill. I understand that. I also know she probably misses home. Who wouldn’t? I will miss her actually when she goes. I got a glimpse of someone so different from me and I have learned so many things about Africa on a personal level through this woman. I will pray for her safety when she leaves here to go back home as I pray for all those in need in this world outside my own. I really do wish I could solve the world’s problems.
Last night was very hard for me. I cried so much my eyes were swollen when I awoke this morning. It felt so good to get it all out though and to think back over memories with my dad. The fishing trips, the hikes in Kentucky we’d take. Carter Caves…one of the best memories I have with my dad. The motorcycle rides he would take me on. It felt good to be in that paradigm where I seen his face, heard his voice, and remembered the scent and the touch. Boy do I really miss dad…I just don’t understand sometimes how it can still hurt so much.
So now I think about all the things I’ve faced in my life and some of those things were the toughest for me to survive. Sometimes I wonder how I did live through it. Does that make me strong? I don’t know. I don’t feel strong. I feel very much a weakness that I just hide throughout my days. I mean sometimes I feel someone could crumble me with just a harsh word, or I’d crumble myself with just one hurtful memory. I feel so fragile…vulnerable.
Some of the hardest things I have had to face:
My dad dying in 1996
My first marriage to a lunatic
Sexual abuse through my childhood
Going from being an active person to being disabled
The relationship with my mom- it has made me ill in so many ways
Dealing with my family being broken after my dad died
I wonder what are some of the hardest things you’ve faced in your life? How do you think you’ve survived them? Personally I think I have survived everything I’ve faced because of what my dad taught me. I also believe that my faith in God has helped along the way. I can’t explain to you why I believe in God- it is just there in my soul- I KNOW he is there.
I guess all people are not broken. I guess I am not completely broken. There are just chipped away places where indents are left where a hurtful thing had happened. If I were broken I would have taken my life a long time ago…suicide, yes, Joe comes to mind. He was broken. He wasn’t only chipped up in places…he couldn’t find the glue to keep the rest of himself together. I guess that is why he checked himself out. Does that make him weak? I don’t know…
I can close my eyes and see a picture perfect life inside my mind. Is it really picture perfect though? Does anyone really have that type of life? I don’t think so. I think everyone has moments in the life they live that life just really sucks big time and they feel as if they are also going to go over the edge. It doesn’t matter the amount of family they have around, the money they make, the drugs, or the material items they own. Sometimes life just sucks for everyone. That is what I think personally. It is a way for me to attempt to make sense of life in general.
Gosh I’m rambling on today…forgive me…I can’t help it.
Life is confusing. It is also amazing. So much more out there in other peoples lives I don’t know about but I can imagine some possibilities. Maybe everyone should keep a journal of the life they live…
My mind is so full right now. I think I will go for now and possibly write more later when I can be more focused and do less rambling…did I ramble on? I feel as though I did. Memories, thoughts, questions, comments are just flooding my mind. Perhaps I’ll write some kick ass poetry today because of it. I am such a strange person at times. Thanks for visiting. Feel free to stop back by sometime.
Until next time…
So I have a few days to catch up with here. The day before yesterday, February 8th, was a bad day. I slept most of that day. Friday, February 9th, I would have done the same if my husband had been home. Both days were not so good.
Today I am fatigued and my hair loss seems to have slowed down some! YAY!! Not as many strands of hair on my pillow today. We’ll see how that keeps up throughout the day. I do however have another sore in my nose. I also notice some tenderness under my chin on the left side. Not sure if that is my gland or what. It is a little puffy too. Hurts like hell to touch it.
I had an appointment February 8th with my neurologist. The visit was just to get renewals on my pain meds. He gave me a prescription of vicodin that he said I could take in emergencies due to pain. He also said it would help me sleep on some nights if I were to take it before I go to sleep. That is great that he cares about my pain level. I don’t like the fact he wants me to take it while being pregnant!! He said it won’t cause deformities but it could cause dependency for the baby if I take too much. How much is too much? I don’t particular like this idea. I think I will NOT take the vicodin and just deal with my pain when I need to. I will not risk my child to relieve myself. Not in my nature sorry Doc!
I’ve had some strange dreams lately. A normal part of being pregnant I know. Yes, pregnant women have strange dreams and some even have erotic dreams. Damn, I’ve been cursed with the strange ones! (Laughs) I am still having cravings too. Leg cramps! Oh boy those really suck! Another “normal” thing for pregnancy! She is active so I really don’t have many worries about her being OK.
Onto another topic now
I heard about this religious cult and it sparked me to investigate it further. The things I am finding out about it are quite disturbing! I plan to post something up on it very soon. The most disturbing part of the cult is that they are still operating around the world!
I thought a lot about Joey the other day and his suicide. I have a bad feeling that he was probably molested as a child and had no outlet. There are so many out in the world that have been abused sexually and never breathe a word of it to anyone. It really is sad. I remember how it was to carry that type of secret for years. It is enough to drive someone to commit suicide. I wonder if that is what finally put Joey over the edge.
Are you one of those people? Do you carry it around inside and confide in no one? If you are I want to speak directly to you now.
You are not alone! You don’t have to keep the secret. You can get an anonymous BLOG to write the secret down in so that the cyber world can be there to help carry the secret with you. There are people who survive the abuse. I am one of them. You are one of them. You know the Internet is a great thing for people like us. It makes it possible for us to write our most raw feelings down without ever saying who we are. It helps others who might feel those same things to know they are not alone. I know now thanks to the cyber world that I AM NOT ALONE. You are not either! I wish I could have reached Joey. I wish someone had reached him. I am not certain why he chose suicide but I do know why many decide that suicide is the only option left. I pray for those people. If you are one of those people who see no other option available please reach out for help. There are options!
We live in a world that sometimes is so sick that it is hard to comprehend. We also live in a world that contains some of the most precious people you or I will ever run across. Reach out to those people more often and the sick world that surrounds will be easier to deal with.
I’ll journal more in a while…I have to clear my own head now.