Category Archives: parenting

Dear Armin, we’re moving on…

Armin,

 

I have a lot to say to you and I need to do it in the way I do best, words on paper. This is not for you, but this is for me and for our kids. Writing this to you may bring you some sense of closure and reflection too, and if it does that is great, but that is not my main intention. I’m not writing this to anger you. I’m not writing this to reminisce on our time together though it may feel like that at times while reading this. I need to release all the resentment I have towards you and that may feel like hate at times, and perhaps right now it is a bit of hate. I hope writing this will close off all this and I can finally put you to rest like I finally put my dad to rest. This might not make any sense to you and it doesn’t need too. Perhaps you will not read this all the way through and that is perfectly fine too. All I know is, I need to say these things, and I am going to say them.

When we decided to get together we were young. I came to you partly broken. I had been abused as a child, and I had been abused from a previous marriage. I thought I had scrutinized your personality so well that I would be safe with giving you my heart and giving you my bullets. For some time, I guess I was safe. You were a funny, charming, military man who seemed to have goals and dreams to have a good life in the future, and I was a funny, futuristic, creative girl who also aspired of turning her life around and building something for her future. I saw my dad in you, and my dad was the best man I had ever known, and how could I go wrong with that I had thought? I never thought you would damage me in the ways that you did over the decades that I had invested in you. In those first few years I never envisioned that I would have put my dreams on hold to build you up while I grew older not attaining any of my aspirations. I never thought in those first years that I would have given up complete control over my life to raise our children while you lived a bachelor life drinking with your friends leaving me home alone over and over. I know you view things differently and you have excuses about babysitters, and you want to use excuses about money. Those do not matter now. You invalidated my feelings for decades. When I tried to explain to you how those many nights made me feel jealous, insecure, lonely, and unimportant to you, you invalidated me over and over. Years of this emotional abuse made me into someone I didn’t recognize Armin.

Then I ended up sick with my back tumor and still you continued to invalidate my feelings and you continued your behavior of drinking and going out with your friends. You may never admit to emotionally abusing me, and you may never admit publicly to the control you took over my life for the 19 years we spent together but we both know the truth. We both know I rolled over for you to go on your fishing trips, drinking escapades, and weekend camping trips while you complained about me buying $5 coffee or buying desserts at the grocery stores, or complaining if I bought an outfit once in a while for myself. We both know that you never put me seeing my family on the priority list, but we were sure seeing your family once a year or once every two years. We both know when I finally stood up and wanted to put my goals on the table you didn’t even want to discuss them. Those words still echo in my ears like a siren going off through town warning us for a tornado. “You can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school?”

I still wonder to myself, what kind of person says that to his wife, when she tells him she is contemplating suicide and needs more in life? Have you even reflected on that?

I have also reflected on the day you and I sat in the Pasat at my mum’s, in her driveway, when you told me you wanted to marry me and take care of me. Remember that day? You had drove over from Chicago to visit Courtney while we were separated. Remember why we separated? You were out all the time drinking with your friends and we were fighting over YOU invalidating my feelings. I was standing up for myself and you didn’t think I had a justification for that. I did have justification for fighting you then. I’m not saying I handled that time in the proper way. I’m not perfect. I shouldn’t have thrown things. I shouldn’t have shouted the way I shouted, but you brought that crazy out. That is what YOU need to see. Your narcissistic abuse brought that crazy out in me. Make no mistake about it Armin, that is exactly WHAT IT WAS! NARCISSISTIC ABUSE! The projection, the invalidation, the gas lighting, and the stonewalling was narcissistic abuse. I left though, like any normal person should have done in that situation. The mistake was believing you when you came to Ohio. The mistake was taking you back and believing that you would have kept up your end of the bargain the second time.

You showed up in Ohio and you used your charm in the driveway at my mums telling me that you wanted to marry me and take care of me. It was a load of bullshit that I bought into. You never kept your end of the bargain Armin. It was that same year while I was planning out wedding you were laid out night after night drinking, leaving me home alone again, wondering who you were with and what you were doing. Again, when I questioned you, you would invalidate my feelings and tell me that I was crazy. Then, long behold you come home with another woman’s pants on! I still married your dumbass. I was the dumbass, and we had a second child. The two things I do not regret with you are our children, but they have paid a high price. I will get to them later in this revolution I’m having. Regarding Erica’s pants, you again invalidated my feelings again for months as I walked around paranoid about you cheating. The most hilarious thing as I reflect on our time together is that you ACCUSED ME OF CHEATING and TALKING TO MEN ONLINE the entire time you were pulling this bullshit ON ME!

I built you up. I supported ANY decision you ever fucking made. I was LOYAL TO YOU with all your fucking bullshit. I tolerated your womanizing, flirtatious friends and I’m a great fucking mum IN SPITE of the fucking life I have had from being sexually abused, sexually assaulted, and live with a physical disability…and when I made the decision to finally leave your emotionally abusive ass…

You wanted to kick me out of the town home when I told you I wanted to divorce you knowing I had spent the last 19 years building your credit up while mine went nowhere, and you fought over paying me minimum child support and I’m on limited income with disability. I wasn’t even asking for alimony. You knew I couldn’t rent anywhere due to my credit, but you were willing to push me out of the town home if I had let you. What kind of person does this to someone they claimed to love for 19 years? What kind of person does this to the mother of their children? Have you reflected on this at all? I have. I have reflected a lot over these past few months. I am not trying to keep your kids from you. I’m trying to stay civil IN SPITE OF ALL this anger I have inside for your fucking ass…I honestly wish I didn’t need child support from your ass. I don’t want anything from you to be quite honest but unfortunately, I need it for the kids. I wish I didn’t have to look at your face ever again. Life doesn’t work that way, and well I’m stuck with you until Kylie is 18.

You have NO IDEA Armin…you have no fucking idea!

I am trying to be whole. I am trying to heal. I am trying to be an example for my two beautiful daughters’. I will be whole, and I will heal. I am an example for our daughters to be. I have shown them not to tolerate abuse, and I’ve been an example that even when things are difficult in life to not give up. I have also been an example that as a woman, when they are grown, they can work hard to be who they want, and no man can break them completely. Our children have paid a high price in many ways though from you as well. Our children, who, by the way need to heal from damage with your bullshit too. Let’s discuss them now…

You were not only a tyrant towards me with your verbal abuse, but you were a tyrant towards them. Not only did you feel the need to try to control every aspect of my life through emotional manipulation, but you used the same tactics on them. You still attempt to use these tactics now but thank God you only get to attempt to use these tactics part time now instead of being in our home using them nonstop. Again, you will not readily admit to any of this and you will make excuses about your behavior and that doesn’t even matter to me anymore. Everyone can think you are this charming and fantastic father in the outside world, but I KNOW the truth. Our kids know the truth about who you really are under pressure. We know how you are when you do not get your way.

The kids and I will always remember the times you called them idiots, yelled curse words at them simply because you didn’t get your way. I know right now you want to go defensive and try to turn something around on me and try to bring up a time I would have cursed at Courtney in my anger. The difference between you and I is I used curse words in anger at the situation. I never used curse words aimed at her and the one time I did I addressed it immediately and corrected my parenting. Let’s take a trip back to 7th avenue when you were downstairs with Courtney yelling at her, “Are you fucking stupid or something?” I was upstairs, and I yelled downstairs and said, “This isn’t your mum and dads house and you will NOT speak to her like that. Your dad may talk to Eric like that, but YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO HER LIKE THAT!” You never even apologized to her for that. Those moments happened over and over for her, and she was only 8 years old then. I could write out so many moments for her it is pathetic, but I won’t. I’m happy she will never have to live through that shit ever again. I’m sorry it took me so long to leave your ass. I’m glad Kylie only received a limited amount of abuse. I should have done better as a mum and left when she was a baby actually.

You told me once before you moved out of the town home that I would never find someone who would do what you do for me…you said I would never find another you…I have reflected on that over these past few months too…

You were right Armin. I will not find another like you who will do what you did for me. I will not be with another man who verbally beats me down, who invalidates my feelings, who doesn’t support me going to school to better my life financially. I will not be with a man who controls me. I will not be with a man who verbally abuses my children. I will not be with a man who lays out all night with friends while I’m home lonely and depressed wondering what is wrong with me. I will not be with a man who doesn’t lift me up. I will not be with a man who doesn’t see my potential. I will not be with a man who doesn’t allow me to express my creative side. I will not be with a man who doesn’t work with me as a partner in the goals I have for my life and the life I see with him by my side. I will not be with a man who doesn’t bring peace to my life. You were right. I will not find another man like you. I will find a man who loves me for who I am and I will love him the way I tried to love you and when I do it will crush you seeing me and our children loving him and him loving us in peace and harmony because the fact of the matter is you are broken, and you have been broken since age 4. I hope you find a way to repair your damage. It isn’t my place to do that. It isn’t our children’s’ place to do that. Stop expecting us to. We’re moving on.

Rachel Ann

Health Update and Lotion causing cancer? Check your household stuff!

I went into my doctor and forgot all about asking for Chantix. I am still a non-smoker. It is tough. I think about them constantly but I have not broke down.

She ordered an abdomen ct scan to be done to check out the pain I’ve been having on my lower left side. Turns out I have diverticulosis. This could pose a problem in the future if I don’t keep things moving. Right now I am safe from infection but I must take steps to insure that future infections don’t happen.

Diverticulosis is pouches inside your intestines usually created due to constipation. Infection can set in these pouches and cause some serious problems if not watched over. The best thing to do is increasing your fiber and make sure things are moving properly.

She decided to up some other meds I have instead of putting me back on the lyrica for now. We’ll see in a month how that does. The fibromyalgia pain has been pretty bad and I can hardly do my daily things right now but at least I am not sleeping all day. My husband has had to take over doing laundry for the time being and most of the time he has had to do the dishes. I am hoping in a couple weeks the increase in the other meds will help lower my pain level so that I can do some of my daily chores around the house.

The topamax increase might help with my headaches. I don’t even know why they have shown back up suddenly with a vengeance. We’ll see how it does.

I was shocked to hear about skin lotions containing chemicals known to cause cancer the other day! I had to go through all my items and 90% of what I had in the house had to be thrown out due to being such a high risk of causing cancer. You can check your own items at this link SkinDeep

I found out that most of the stuff I had been using on my baby girl was very high rated. Johnson’s baby lotion and baby baths! I was infuriated, and I still am. I would like to know how they can get away with putting that shit into stuff we use daily? The chemicals are known for fact to cause cancer and other ailments like deformities, learning disabilities and some other stuff. The products don’t even have to warn us about these chemicals being inside the product. Looks like we all have to get irate and hold them accountable just like we had to with the makeup industry.

Sometimes I wonder to myself why even quit smoking when all the other crap out there is causing cancers left and right without even warning us. Sometimes I wonder what is the point trying to avoid cancer? There seems to be no way to avoid it these days with all the shit they put in our food, lotions, shampoos, prescriptions, etc.

My head is starting to hurt now so I have to go. Have a safe evening.

Could my daughter have juvenile diabetes?

Tonight I almost put myself into a panic attack. I went looking across the web for some information on children wetting their pants. I am having a problem with my oldest daughter, and it has been a continuing problem since I potty trained her. She is seven now.

My research led me to pages about bladder problems and juvenile diabetes. Reading over juvenile diabetes put a scare into me when I got to symptoms of the disease.

I do have a doctor appointment set for her next week. The appointment is to address this wetting problem. For a while we thought it was just a growth situation but now it seems to be something more since more time has gone by. It has been a substantial amount of time too.

What am I going to do if it turns out to be juvenile diabetes?

When she first started wetting back when I potty trained her I punished her and now I know I shouldn’t have. Her being my first child I was absolutely clueless on how to go about training her in the first place. When it got really hard for me and stressful over having no success I turned to support online. That is when I realized I shouldn’t have been punishing her. The guilt is still in me over that.

You have any idea how bad I will feel if she is medically impaired regarding this urination problem and knowing I’ve punished her for something she couldn’t control?

Gosh what a terrible parent I’ve been to her! I probably should have reached out to the doctor a long time ago instead of waiting too!

How will she take it if it does turn out to be juvenile diabetes? She is only in second grade!

It is going to turn our world upside down. I’ll have to learn how to cook properly for a diabetic, learn how to test her, teach her how to do it herself, and watch her through the pain. I have failed her folks.

I have allowed my daughter to go over a year with probably feeling low and humiliated over her wetting problem. I definitely have failed her big time.

There have been times I have gotten so frustrated over her wetting and I know it has shown even though I tried to hide it from her. What can I do to make this up to her? I wonder if she’ll resent me as she grows older like I resent my own mother for things my mom didn’t do for me?

God help me. God give me strength. God give me patience. God give me guidance.

If it does turn out to be juvenile diabetes for my oldest daughter, does that mean my youngest daughter will have it too? Something else for me to worry about…

Every night that I pray for my children this is what I pray, “Lord, please watch over my children. Keep them safe, warm and healthy. May you guide them like you guide me.”

I hope when I take her in next week the news I get is not juvenile diabetes. I hope it is just a bladder control problem that can be corrected or helped with medication.

Until next time…

JO