Category Archives: medicine
August 4, 2009
I know it’s been a long time. I have only tried to go on with my life and savor every moment possible. I’ve been chasing you for 13 years but not wanting to die. I’ve only wanted to live dad, do things that would make you proud. I wanted to let you go but feared of forgetting your face. I’m sorry but I’m tired of running the race. I know I can’t find you in a book, a store, or a show we use to watch on TV….I’ve finally come to see. You’re gone and not coming back to me. I’ve let you go but not forgotten.
I’ve got some things weighing heavy on my soul. I’ve got nowhere to run away too and to you is where I’d want to go. So here I am once again writing to a ghost from my past that I loved with all my soul.
I found a lump under my arm. At first I thought what harm? It doesn’t hurt just leave it be, but then a sad memory came back to me. I remembered how I begged you and pleaded that you’d go. When you started feeling ill and wanted no one else to know. You refused to seek help for something that was growing inside. Then one day it was too late, my senior year you died. Now I’m left with this memory inside my heart, and we are so far apart. It reminded me I have to go.
I did decide to go to the doctor after that memory floated on by. I kept hoping that this wasn’t an omen for the life I’ve lived. I went in with a brave face and your memory held tight. After the exam the doctor gave me quite a fright.
Dad he told me I could have cancer. Boy was I scared. Boy did I want to run, I needed to call you to hear that you cared. I just wanted to hear that voice of reassurance that only came from you. Yet again I was alone in my thoughts holding so tight to you. I thought about my husband, memories of how things were with you, thought about you dying and how hard that was to go through. I thought about my little girls and how I needed to be around for them. I thought about your funeral. I thought about Eve. I thought about all the what if’s that were passing me by…Eventually I just had to break down and cry.
Dad I’m scared! I don’t want to die! I know the facts aren’t in. I know it isn’t certain to be cancer there….I can’t help but think of all I’ve had to spare. All the things I’ve missed with you gone and how life for my girls like that would be so long….it would be so unfair…my husband couldn’t do it all alone. I go Wednesday to have a closer look. To see what that lump is there. I pray that isn’t cancer I don’t want to be the one in that chair. The chair you once sat in. Evelyn sat there too. It’s the chair where the doctor told you they knew…you only had a certain amount of time to live. It’s a chair my father n law sat in not long ago…it will hurt like hell to let him go as well.
I know life ends sometime dad. I remember all the things you told me before. I remember you telling me that life will go on. I know you told me to be strong and live life, go on become a mother and a loyal loving wife. I’ve done those things and wouldn’t trade them for the world but how can they live happily without a mom within reach? I have so much goodness I want to teach. I want to share your wisdom and my sense of faith. I want to see them do things that you never got to see me do….Oh God how I miss you.
I have only told a few family members about the lump there. I figured I’d wait until I knew for sure what is going on before I bring them into the scare. Maybe this will be it and my time will be paced like yours. I’ll have to settle a lot of things and even some scores. Pass around forgiveness and let be what will be. Maybe this is it and God is coming for me. I’m not ready to go anytime soon. But I do know that death is there waiting one day I just don’t want that to be now.
I want you to keep my seat warm there in heaven where I know you are. In the future I’ll be next to you sitting on a star but lets hope God doesn’t let that happen too soon. I got a job to do here with my girls. I love you dad. Pass on a good word to God for me while you’re sipping coffee and playing those cards. You’ll forever be in my heart.
Love Rachel Ann
(FNL-Father N Law/ MNL- Mother N Law)
Hello everyone. Sorry I haven’t put anything up with any real substance. I’ve been avoiding the FNL and pancreatic cancer subject. It hurts to think about it. My health hasn’t been the greatest either.
I’ll give you a quick update. My FNL is losing weight each week, but his spirit is still up. His appetite is steady so I’m happy to hear that. He takes his chemotherapy every time it’s due & that takes five hours. He is usually exhausted afterwards and takes a good week to recoup from it all according to my MNL. I only have phone contact. We haven’t been able to get back over to visit. My husband is going over to spend some time with his dad though this coming week for a few days. It will be good for him and his dad.
I was going to have my tubes tied but decided to have a five-year UID instead. That procedure went OK but boy my uterus wasn’t happy for a few days at all. I still have times during the day where I just cramp up. I get to go off the depo-shot so hopefully I lose another ten pounds. My fibromyalgia has not been friendly to me. I’m exhausted all the time but I don’t sleep worth a damn.
I’m trying to come up with a new look for the blog here. It might not stay this way either I don’t know. It looks like I may end up moving the entire blog in order to have a chance to make a little money off of it. I’ll keep you posted on what the future holds on that. I added a poll to the side feel free to vote! Also the stormierachie to the right is my twitter application.
Well I need to get a few loads of laundry done even though I don’t feel like doing it. I’ll post again soon, thanks for reading. Until next time….BE SAFE!
I went back on my lyrica yesterday. I couldn’t stand the pain any longer. I couldn’t do anything being off the pill. Yesterday was an OK day. I was able to drive to ChinaMart, I mean WalMart, do some dishes, and cook dinner without any major pain problems!
I wanted to lose more weight so I quit taking the lyrica but now I see that I have to be happy with my body the way it is. The extra weight is something I have to live with I guess. I’ll only be able to lose another ten pounds according to the doctor and she can’t guarantee that due to the cymbalta, and the depo birth control shot I take. Both of those put weight on users.
I decided to start a new network group. I named it Conquering Fibromyalgia. I hope that you click over and join. Help support the cause. Eventually I would love for it to turn into a huge network with people meeting locally in support groups for fibromyalgia. I don’t have anything local in my area to support me. I think there should be a local gathering of support all over the nation. The closest thing I have regarding support group is Minneapolis! I can’t drive that far so lets hope the network grows and something comes along for my local area!
Whether you believe me or not it is really hard to deal with having fibromyalgia. People who don’t have the illness have no clue what it is like. Talking with them really doesn’t help most of the time. Most of the time when you try to talk to someone who doesn’t have fibromyalgia it just escalates tension in the relationship. No matter what relationship it is, it causes tension because it is quite simple. They do not understand what it is like to live with this disease.
The network can be a place to share your own story of suffering from fibromyalgia. It could be a place for you to learn more about the illness so that you can support your friends and family. The network can be a place where you gather to discuss the difficulties you have had with the illness, whether you have it, or someone you know has it. Please come over and support the network. Help me grow it large enough so that others eventually can have a local connection of support in the area they live in.
I’ll be posting another entry later this evening about how my day went today fighting my fibromyalgia. Until next time…
We went and visited my father n law. He doesn’t look good to me. I don’t know if it is because I know he is terminally ill with pancreatic cancer or if he really does look bad. Does that make any sense to any of you?
He has lost weight. He has lost a lot of weight if you ask me. His stomach is now looking extended and his pain isn’t easing. He was happy to see his grandbabies though and we all were happy to see him.
I spoke with him about hospice. I bought him some ensure and fresh fruits. He said he would talk to the doctor about hospice when it gets worse. I just wanted to make sure he’s taken care of and has little to no pain. I know from experience with my dad having cancer that they are great to have around.
I am trying to be strong for my oldest daughter and my husband. It is hard. I love my father n law very much. He has always treated me kind and accepted me from the very beginning without reservation. I could have been a psycho woman coming into his home when I got with his son but he accepted me immediately as family. I’ve always looked at him as my father in a way. We may have had minor disagreements through the years but who hasn’t? That doesn’t change the fact that it will hurt me very badly to lose him too. I worry for my husband…his dad is what my dad was to me. My dad has been gone for 13 years and I still have a void in my heart.
I’m not sure when we’re going back over there to stay. I’m guessing within a few weeks. The doctor told my father n law he had weeks maybe months. That is not exactly what I wanted to hear. I was hoping the doctor would have said months maybe a year…
Please continue to pray for my family in this time of great sorrow. Maybe there is a miracle waiting for us…
Until next time….