Category Archives: life

Fucked up sober…fucked up high…

Today was a struggle for me in more ways than one. Winter is here and it kills my body! My brain ALWAYS goes into the thought of how I feel on narcotics, but it only focuses on the good parts of narcotic use, like pain relief, bringing me the ability to do what normal people do with no nerve pin, bone pain, and the satisfaction that I can do things without struggle. My brain also wants to focus on the emotional high I get when I take them. The beautiful feeling of truly not caring where I fit in because the pills give me the ability to fit in anywhere when I take them. I have to remind my brain that the pills also create a crash in depression when they wear off. I have to remind my brain about the pills creating a dope sickness in me that is hell on earth. I have to remind my brain that I always end up taking so many I’m nodding off or passing out in my kitchen. My daughter deserves better and so do I. This will be a lifetime of struggle for me. I wish every single day that I would have never smoked heroin, or opium, and I wish I would have never taken OxyContin. It isn’t easy living with a monkey on your back every single fucking day. It is exhausting, it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m exhausted from chronic pain, my job makes me exhausted, and fighting my addiction daily makes life even more exhausting. Only the troubled understand what I struggle with. The untroubled are exhausting too. They throw around advice when they know nothing about my struggle, or my history that brought these struggles on, and who wants to explain their trauma to every person they interact with? I don’t have the energy to do that. Also, I am not a fan of handing out my bullets to people who may shoot them back at me when I don’t meet the expectations they place on me unfairly. Majority of people in my life know just a few layers of who I truly am, and though that can seem lonely…I like it that way. Enters the other problem I struggle with, healthy attachment! I don’t let people know me fully because basically I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’ve had enough hurt that it will last a lifetime. I can’t take anymore hurt. If I keep people at arms length I’m safer. I like feeling safe. Isolating myself isn’t healthy though. It is another struggle for me. When narcotics collide with a damaged soul it starts out like a marriage made in heaven, but ends up being the most toxic relationship you could ever have. In the beginning pills make you open, social, euphoric, and artificially numb in the honeymoon stage. They make you feel safe, but it’s all an illusion. When they wear off you are right back where you started….lost, guarded, isolated, and trying to find a way to end yet another toxic cycle because you’re fucked up sober, and you’re still fucked up high. I need to practice acceptance of who I am…a struggling addict with lots of past trauma….and that is OK as long as I keep moving forward in self growth.

A soul’s purpose

Things get so heavy in life that you are forced sometimes to take a moment and pause.

Take time to admire the sounds of running water, or a bird’s song echoing through a forest. It is nature that nurtures the soul. The universe provides these wonders for us to experience, so that we can remember where we came from. To remember what we are; we are an intricate part of a whole universe.

Each one of us has magic we possess. That magic can ripple through human kind broadening horizons, connecting soul tribes, helping us all to remember that we are not alone in this vast world, even though it may feel that way at times.

The magic in a smile could save a life passing through your very own journey, and you would know no different because pain often hides behind a mask that the person wears. Holding a door open could help someone survive a day of pain and you would know no different because the pain is often hidden behind a smile.

We are all pebbles being tossed into a large pool of water making ripples that extend beyond our basic human touch. It is important to pause once in a while and think about the impact we have on all those around us, and the impact we are making in the universe with our deeds. We all have the magic in us to change the world around us. How will you use your magic in this universe to bring about a change that is much needed amongst mankind?

We all should put the work in. We should be evolving into something greater than what we are in this present moment. Growth never ends. It is the beginning and a continuation of our souls that are constantly searching for our purpose here on earth. Not only is our purpose to leave tangible evidence of growth and evolution amongst us, but to also allow the essence of our souls to touch and reach other souls. We will all transcend from earth to an unknown place where the universe is waiting for us to reunite in spiritual form, so that we can help usher in new generations within mankind to prepare them to do better than what we may have done previously in our own human form.

We are made from the elements within this universe and we will return to that when our missions are complete here on earth. Let’s help make our missions here on earth be about creating and maintaining love, peace, grace, support, and unity.

Take a pause to set aside anger, greed, lust, envy, hatred, fear, sorrow, and war. We have much work to do. It is up to many of us to make sure the next generation can evolve into an even better existence. Now, go share your magic with the world.

2020 Resistance

It’s been a surreal year thus far. A pandemic covered the world, and we all went into isolation. America faces dire times because of Donald Trump, the supreme court balance, and fascists claiming to be the Grand Ole Party. Police officers have murdered countless minorities and Black Lives Matter has been marching for months. They have been murdering them since the end of slavery, but once again a movement had to be born to stand up against the tyranny and injustices. It’s been a rough time for so many because jobs are not available. The jobs available are limited hours. The schools opened without a clear, safe plan to not spread covid19. We have people refusing to wear masks because Donald Trump called the pandemic a democratic hoax. We have white supremacist groups killing protesters more often. California is on fire, along with Oregon, but the fascists don’t understand or believe in science. They refuse to help the intelligent people make the world a better place. The lines that exist for people needing food in our country is not only sad, but disheartening because the fascist Republicans in power right now have not offered anything but bread crumbs. I’m terrified about Trump stealing election in November, and if he doesn’t do that, I’m terrified he will not allow a peaceful transition of power. The guy is facing indictments, so it is hard to say what he will do to hold onto power. I have tried to leave politics off of this particular page of mine, but things are so fucked up and it weighs so heavy on me that I had to finally post something. I wonder if Americans really understand what is going on here because the media is frightened to call what’s happening what it really is. What is it? It is a fascist takeover! Things are happening in real time, and it is all very frightening. Donald Trump brags about cops shooting reporters with tear gas, rubber bullets and beating them. 42% of our country doesn’t seem to give a fuck about free press. Donald Trump has complimented dictatorships, but has shunned and insulted democracies around the world. Donald Trump was impeached, but he still seems to have the right to appoint a justice to the SCOTUS. When the election is only 43 days away he should not have that right. The Republicans refused Merrick Garland’s appointment by Barack Obama and refused to vote because it was over 100 days from the 2016 election. They claimed the elected president in the new term should make the appointment, so the American people could decide a lifetime appointment to the court.

Now they seem to think it is fine to allow Donald Trump to make an appointment to be voted on when the election has already begun with early voting, and in 43 days everyone votes. It is insane that they are doing this. I mean, I’m not surprised because they’re attempting to have a complete fascist takeover. The Supreme Court getting stacked in favor of the criminal will add further protection to Donald Trump from his crimes and any indictments handed down.

America is turning into a full blown fascist state and 42% of our population seem to be cheering that on. It has given me clarity about how Germany must have been during the rise of Adolf Hitler. The freedom fighters, and anti fascist in Germany during that time must have felt the same way I’m feeling now. I have never been this anxious to vote, or excited to cast my vote. I hope Americans finally understand their civic duty to participate in elections from here on out.

There are many groups that have formed, like The Lincoln Project, and they are on a mission with the resistance to remove Donald Trump and any Republican who has given Donald Trump the freedom to continue to destroy our system, and erode our democracy. I never thought a bleeding heart liberal like myself would be joining the likes of Tom Nichols, Joe Walsh, or Bill Kristol to save the country from a serious threat from the Whitehouse. I use to think about this very scenario under G.W. Bush’s reign, it was fleeting and sporadically rested in my thoughts, but Donald Trump’s term so far has weighed on me every single fucking day, and it has me frightened and looking for a way out if things go even more south than they already are. It is surreal to feel the way I do.

Every day since he took office I have checked Twitter and the media to see if he’s died! That is crazy and out of character for me. I loathe him like no other. I cry every night over the peril my country is facing. This craziness continues even during the raging pandemic…we are so fucked up in America. I keep reading people posting and asking when did we end up here, where did it begin, where did we go wrong? I have understood for quite some time now that the Nazi’s never really went away. The Nazi’s fled Germany and they infiltrated our country, and other countries for decades. They have been infiltrating our police forces, our electoral College, our military, our justice system, and our congress. Most have done so quietly. As they have been successful for decades they were able to put Donald Trump in the Whitehouse. Here we are in.2020 fighting for the soul of our nation. The world, our allies, watch in angst.

The resistance is the hope. Stay tuned America and keep watching world. We may need you in the near future.

Season of Change

The season is changing
Colors burst from the trees
Things are not the same
I’ve been arranging and rearranging
I’m close to forgetting your name

I was stuck in a valley
Then the path was made clear
The fear no longer cripples me
With my silhouette I dance free

A new season is on the horizon
The wind swirls the change
No, things will never be the same
But I’m finally free…
I’m finally free.

Armin

I wish I could make you see
I wish I could give you compassion
That flows from inside of me
So you could feel the way you hurt
So you could understand
I needed to be free
You were killing me
With hurt you released
You never gave me peace
Because inside of you
The hurt…
Brought you to your knees
I wish I could make you see
So you won’t hurt another
Like you ravaged me
I’ll always be a little broken
From words that fell from your lips
From the games you played
The cruel tricks
Telling me you loved me
But ignoring my needs
I’ll never know…
What I did to deserve you
And all your misery
One day you will see
The enemy is on the inside
It was never me