Category Archives: life

Fall Divorce

falling leaves
The heavy fog is lifting
Common sense is setting in
The hold you had over me is easing
And I can finally start to breathe
I woke up today, and the sun decided to shine
I can see the light at the end of this tunnel
And I woke up today
And God came out today
To shine down on my face
He took me by the hand
With the wind at my back
He whispered in my ear
As the leaves fell from the trees
He reassured me that the hardship would subside
With a soft kiss from the misty rain
And I woke up today
And God came out today
To shine down on my face
A reminder of my strength echoed in the distance
With the sound of the rolling train

Worthless Girl

This is a new song I wrote. It’s a working collaboration with my daughter. A new video will be coming very soon for you to enjoy.  -JustOrdinary

worthless girl

 

I’m digging my way out

Of this hole you tried to bury me in

I’m reaching for the light

I will put myself together again

Piece by piece

Hear me when I say

I’m not the worthless girl

Hear me when I say

I’m not the one at fault

The world will see what you’ve done

In my flawed reflection of you

My blank stare of destitution

They will see me weeping

Though tears will not flow

Hear me when I say

I’m not the worthless girl

Hear me when I say

Hear me….(background vocal lightly echoing)

Hear me…(background vocal lightly echoing)

I’m the flawed reflection of you

The reflection in your eyes

And it’s the battle within that you never win

Because it’s you, that you’ve been up against

Hear me when I say

You were not the worthless boy

You were never at fault

Piece by piece

Piece by piece (background vocal)

Hear me…(background vocal)

Hear me…(background vocal)

My minds made up

Hear me when I say

I’m not the worthless girl

I’m not at fault

And my minds made up

There’s no going back this time

Please hear me (low whisper singing)

Please hear me (low whisper singing)

All the damage that’s been done

Is locked inside my head

But piece by piece (increase vocal sound)

I’ll be whole again (increase vocal sound a little more)

But hear me when I say (Increase vocal sound even more)

I’m not the worthless girl (End with a soulful loud vocal line)

Love To Hate You

This is a song I wrote and I gave it to my very talented daughter to put music to. So the collaboration is something I want to share with you here.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and share. I hope you enjoy.

Saturday Musings & A Moment of Simplicity

ying yang trio

I’m having surgery on Tuesday, August 29th to have some lymph nodes removed from the right side of my neck in the back that showed up in March of this year. I have swollen nodes under my left arm pit as well, and they’ve been there for a while. I’ve been extremely sick for a good 8 months or so with stomach and bowel issues. Before the nodes showed up on the back of my neck I was having some serious migraines that presented with stroke like symptoms and brain tumor symptoms! Yeah, that was terrifying, and it made that semester of school a struggle. I made it through that semester, and the migraines were diagnosed as hemiplegic migraines. I take an immune suppressant that could cause lymphoma called Enbrel, and before I was put on that I took Humira for years which also has a chance of causing lymphoma. I quit smoking a year ago, in August, and that is a bit of good news I can share with you, but I’m afraid it might have been too late of a decision to make an impact on improving my health. I’ve decided to take some control over some things that I’ve been thinking about for a while, and if it turns out that I do have cancer I’ll leave with no regret, or worry for my two beautiful children. Now, let me tell you the exciting news about the new project I’ve launched, and will be posting here to chronicle for them.

The new project launched on Saturday, August 26th with each of my girls. The project will be audio diary sessions with each of them that will be recorded on every Saturday. I want to take 15-30 minutes and have one of our conversations recorded for safe keeping. I am also leaving my own audio diary messages for them separately for them to listen to. I want to leave something for them that has a piece of me. I don’t want to be a mystery to them after I’m gone. I want my advice left there for them, my humor, some favorite music, poetry, politics, and all the sides of mom they may want to look for someday when I’m gone and they may just need a piece of me for a moment in their future.

I’ve thought a lot about this for about a year now, and I’ve concluded that if I had more of my dad left for me perhaps it wouldn’t have been so devastating for me to have buried him. There are things about my dad I never knew and I will never know. That left a bigger void and it made me feel cheated. As a young lady, it pushed me into searching for him in things that were not wise. I went into dark places to hide from the reality that he was gone because I couldn’t find him anywhere when I searched for him.

Family members would tell me that I had so much of my dad in me, but I didn’t recognize it because a large part of him was a stranger to me. I was close to my dad. He was my north star, but there was so much mystery about him that it made him into this mystical creature I longed to know more about when he was gone. I was left with no way to do that. I want my kids to be able to hear my voice and get to know me even when I’m gone because you take advantage of time when your just living life day to day. You do not think to ask questions until after the fact, so I’m going to try to leave them a road map to who I truly am. With this project being left for them it will also help them know who they truly are too.

The sessions with my youngest are called Saturday Musings. The sessions with my oldest will be called A Moment of Simplicity. I’ll be putting them up as a PodCast over at MixCloud starting next week.

Tramadol Nightmare Finally Ends

                          

Tonight marks the seventh day I’ve been completely free of any tramadol. The peak of withdrawal for me was this past Friday night. I woke up with sweats, jerking muscles that were cramping, I puked a few times, I had an excruciating headache, and once I got out of bed the panic set in. I was up all night. I could not stay asleep. When I did sleep it was in increments of thirty minutes. It was a very rough night. That next morning, I began to wonder if I needed to enter a detox facility. It was that bad. As the day went on I was exhausted but as I kept focused on music, and moving around it got easier. I am now on day eight and all the withdrawal symptoms have departed!

I feel pretty good considering all my physical infirmities. My nerve tumor pain is high part of the day, but I manage through it here at home. I had a very successful day yesterday. Yesterday I was able to go out to a doctor’s appointment, make a grocery store trip, make a Walgreens stop, make a stop at the gas station, and do my dishes at the sink! This might sound trivial to some of my readers, but for me, that is extraordinary while only being on naproxen 500mg.

I have noticed a few changes since detoxing from the tramadol too. I have been struggling with severe fatigue for years now and concentration problems. I always walked around feeling foggy, and so fatigued I could barely hold my head up most days. This last week I noticed that the foggy feeling has subsided completely. I think more clearly. I believe the tramadol must have contributed to that cloudy thinking. The fatigue I felt was probably intensified by the tramadol as well. I am still tired in the middle of the day but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was while I was taking the tramadol.

I don’t see my pain clinic until the 24th, but when I do they will have to come up with another plan for my case. I am rejecting to be treated any longer with any type of narcotic, or any type of pain treatment that my body will become dependent on, that if I choose to stop taking it, I have to deal with withdrawals like I had to face with tramadol. There has to be a better way to deal with pain patients. There has to be a way to help us without turning us into pill addicts, or physical addicts. They’re doctors who work hard to get these special degrees. They should be smart enough to figure this out.

I strongly believe marijuana should be utilized in this area. If marijuana was utilized for chronic pain patients, it would prevent addiction across the board. Science shows that cannabis is promising for pain relief. “Science also shows that addiction is very low at only 30% likely to have a dependency problem and that the 30% who develop dependency are people who have psychiatric issues before use” (Hasin).

It is time that our nation takes the stigma that surrounds cannabis and completely remove it. We must begin taking rational steps in solving problems we face with addiction to opiates and other opiate type medicine, like tramadol. Cannabis is one logical step! We must begin taking logical steps in treating chronic pain patients and stop imagining they do not exist, that they do not matter, or that their quality of life is not just as important as any other patient treated in our nation. Cannabis would help so many avoid opiate addiction, it would help improve the quality of so many lives across our nation, and it would be affordable to them. If the Obama administration is serious about this new initiative to help fight opiate addiction, he will move to help legalize cannabis nationwide on the federal level for medical use with a proposed bill to congress before he leaves office. The ball is in your court Obama. Help us, not the prescription thugs!!

Sources

Hasin DS, Saha TD, Kerridge BT, et al. Prevalence of Marijuana Use Disorders in the United  States Between 2001-2002 and 2012-2013. JAMA Psychiatry. 2015;72(12):1235-1242. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2015.1858.