Category Archives: life
My entire life has been a roller coaster ride. I’ve been abused, beaten, lost, addicted, obsessed over my image, I’ve been strung out, strung along, taken advantage of, hurt so deeply it has been hard to breathe. I’ve also been a hero, I’ve saved kids from feeling alone, I’ve been blessed, I’ve been lifted up, I’ve been selfless and selfish, I’ve questioned my purpose, and I’ve ignored my purpose. I know my purpose is a light worker. It is my purpose to show the world that it is never too late to reconcile past mistakes, wasted time is not really wasted because going through the darkest times in my life taught me things only the tortured understand. Getting to the other side there is light. There is love. There is trust. There is loyalty. There is compassion. There is hope. In order to appreciate those blessings one has to know loneliness, hurt, betrayal, and hopelessness. Learning these lessons builds courage, strength, honor, compassion, and hope. I have one final test that the universe has given me. The final test to end toxic patterns from continuing to happen in my own life, but most of all my children’s life. These are generational patterns that just keep repeating over and over until someone stands up and says no more. I’m ready to do that now because I know what’s waiting for me on the other side of that. A true love waits for me that will lift me even further up than where I am now. A blessing other’s may not understand, but my soul knows that it waits, but I have to be whole, happy & spiritually elevated to be able to hold onto it. This true love will be a hard working man, he will be a leader, he will be compassionate with me and my children, he will love us unconditionally, and he will grow with us spiritually & protect us when needed, but gives us space to spread our wings. He will be a dreamer who makes his own dreams come true, but also helps makes dreams come true for others. He will stand in and father my children in the healthy way. This next test will be the final hurdle for me to get over…and I will. When I do get over this next hurdle a new life that I could have never imagined waits for me and my girls, and I deserve that life.
My mind’s eye envisioned a beauty
A beauty to be reckoned with
My calculations were fuzzy
Scrambled in the depths of my soul
How was I to know?
You were the beauty I imagined
You were the beauty I craved
You were the beauty I needed
To complete a circle that had been broken
By saturated filth and madness
I couldn’t gauge your importance
I couldn’t fathom your existence
In a world that clouded my every judgement
Yet when you appeared I knew
I knew from your magic
That I was to hold you dear
No matter the space between
Because you were my ultimate savior
Sent to heal my wounds
Sent to guide me with persuasion
That magic truly does exist
Underneath the cold shallows
I’m forever grateful that my mind’s eye
Dreamt of you and you appeared into my life.
I know some of my decisions have had some people wondering what was my line of thinking over this last year of my life. Some wonder why I declined opportunities that other women would die to have been offered such a luxury, but I have had a lot of things to repair in my life…my heart & soul at the forefront, but also I had to travel a path of self discovery again & find my confidence, my honor, my courage, my independence & my true life path. Some have wondered why I went to back to school for a degree that I hang on a wall in my home instead of using the degree for a career in that arena. My choices have been strange choices to so many, but they have been the right choices for me at the time I made them. Healing yourself takes time, meditation, focus, and perseverance. Healing myself wasn’t going to happen with a rich man, a younger man, an older man, or a poor man. Healing wasn’t going to happen in a classroom full of distractions. Healing myself has required many nights of solitude, many nights of tears, and reflection, so that I could really dig deep down inside of myself to figure out past trauma, reflect on my previous choices I had been making my whole life. I would not have done it being distracted by a rich man, any man really, and being in a career that actually was chosen for the wrong reasons would have stopped my healing process and personal growth. I am happy about my decisions that I have made this past year. I chose to heal myself, so that I could be whole again over being with a man I love with every ounce of my being. I still love him with every ounce of my being, but time was not on our side. Perhaps one day we will be lucky enough to have our time together in peace, privacy and harmony…until then I will continue to discover who I am with each whole piece I put in place of the missing pieces and the damaged pieces my life has left me with thus far. I’m happy I went back to driving school bus & write in my spare time over teaching a classroom because I found much of my soul tribe there as I have transitioned into this newly found Rachel. I have been able to write again because of the choices I have made, and no one will ever know how freeing that is for me. If you wonder why I do what I do, or worry about my choices… just remember this…I want to live now, I love living now, I have been awakened by a force I can’t explain to you & I probably never will be able too…but I appreciate your care, wonder and amazement. I guess I would be mystified too if I peered into my life from where you stand. Keep your eyes open because the wonder, and amazement has only just begun.
The divorce was finalized September 7, 2018 and I can honestly say I felt no sadness, no pain, no sorrow except for our children. Inside I felt free. I felt free like a bird that had been caged for over a decade. I didn’t think that I would cry at all actually…but here I am at your beckon call again…I’m sure you get some pleasure out of this…as you did when I cried all those 19 years…
Packing up the townhome & stumbling over many things this past month has opened me up to some feelings that were buried deep in your wreckage.
The feelings are not for you though…no, I can honestly say I am happy to be done with you & on my own path of discovering myself again because I lost her in you…
I find myself crying over the fact that I loved you more than you loved me…and I was foolish enough to accept that. I cry because conversations replay in my head that showed me how selfish, unloving, & how cruel you really were, but fear kept me with you. I find myself crying because I gave you 19 years of my life! 19 years….I cry because I do not think I could be with another man long term after you…I walked away from one I fell madly in love with…because of you…will I walk away from every man simply because I’m TERRIFIED they will end up being LIKE YOU. Probably because I walked away from Russ, who I loved so deeply that I never thought I could love anyone in such a deep way…I loved him more than I loved you, but I walked away…I knew from your lesson that it was a disaster waiting to happen regardless of how much I loved him, regardless of his fame and fortune…I walked away because of what you brutally taught me. Will there ever be another man? That is really hard to answer yes too after you…
Of course you’re clueless to the damage you have left behind…you’re too egotistical to care that others have feelings & you never take responsibility for what harm you do to others….especially me…
I don’t hate you, but I want too…I can’t because you’re the father of my two beautiful daughter’s…
Through tears I know you have taught me some valuable lessons, but you have made it damn near impossible for a good man to catch me after your charade…
I should have never came back to you in 2003…the best thing about that decision was I was blessed with Kylie.
The worst thing about that decision was 14 years of the same shit over and over…and I do know now without a doubt I deserved NONE OF IT! I was a good woman to you, and I was a good mother to your children, I listened to your past troubles & family problems & I loved you from the depths of my soul. I was loyal to you because I was a loving, a loyal, strong, good woman…then you slowly changed me into a woman who was full of fear about your reactions to me being myself…I ended up being a woman who was afraid to keep friends because of what YOU thought or how YOU would react. I gave up things I loved doing because they didn’t suit you or you were jealous it took small amounts of my time, but you only gave me crumbs…I gave up so much for you even though these things were apart of who I was….politics, friends, painting, writing, singing, writing music, visiting family back home, goals for myself…I still do not understand how I became that woman except that I loved you more than I loved myself…and that almost killed me Armin…and you didn’t give a shit about that. You flourished with my help…and I became a shell with your help….
I cry for Rachel and for the 19 years she sacrificed to make sure you felt loved as I felt conditional love. You loved me when it suited you or when I did what you wanted or what you needed. You have any idea how damaging that is? Go read some real books about what damage you have done and left Armin…maybe then, maybe you may have a sleepless night, or two too…if you have a conscious…maybe apologize and recognize how fucked up you have made me…for the 19 years I gave to you…
You were my prison Armin…and now in freedom I’m afraid to love or be vulnerable enough to attempt to love…
I just want to thank you through my tears…not tears from missing you, but tears from missing me & not finding her completely yet…I say yet because I know I will find her fully one day despite your negative names, verbal lashings, conditional love, & your lack of human empathy for me.I want to thank you for teaching me the most important lesson of my life…
To always love myself first, and at any cost.
I have a lot to say to you and I need to do it in the way I do best, words on paper. This is not for you, but this is for me and for our kids. Writing this to you may bring you some sense of closure and reflection too, and if it does that is great, but that is not my main intention. I’m not writing this to anger you. I’m not writing this to reminisce on our time together though it may feel like that at times while reading this. I need to release all the resentment I have towards you and that may feel like hate at times, and perhaps right now it is a bit of hate. I hope writing this will close off all this and I can finally put you to rest like I finally put my dad to rest. This might not make any sense to you and it doesn’t need too. Perhaps you will not read this all the way through and that is perfectly fine too. All I know is, I need to say these things, and I am going to say them.
When we decided to get together we were young. I came to you partly broken. I had been abused as a child, and I had been abused from a previous marriage. I thought I had scrutinized your personality so well that I would be safe with giving you my heart and giving you my bullets. For some time, I guess I was safe. You were a funny, charming, military man who seemed to have goals and dreams to have a good life in the future, and I was a funny, futuristic, creative girl who also aspired of turning her life around and building something for her future. I saw my dad in you, and my dad was the best man I had ever known, and how could I go wrong with that I had thought? I never thought you would damage me in the ways that you did over the decades that I had invested in you. In those first few years I never envisioned that I would have put my dreams on hold to build you up while I grew older not attaining any of my aspirations. I never thought in those first years that I would have given up complete control over my life to raise our children while you lived a bachelor life drinking with your friends leaving me home alone over and over. I know you view things differently and you have excuses about babysitters, and you want to use excuses about money. Those do not matter now. You invalidated my feelings for decades. When I tried to explain to you how those many nights made me feel jealous, insecure, lonely, and unimportant to you, you invalidated me over and over. Years of this emotional abuse made me into someone I didn’t recognize Armin.
Then I ended up sick with my back tumor and still you continued to invalidate my feelings and you continued your behavior of drinking and going out with your friends. You may never admit to emotionally abusing me, and you may never admit publicly to the control you took over my life for the 19 years we spent together but we both know the truth. We both know I rolled over for you to go on your fishing trips, drinking escapades, and weekend camping trips while you complained about me buying $5 coffee or buying desserts at the grocery stores, or complaining if I bought an outfit once in a while for myself. We both know that you never put me seeing my family on the priority list, but we were sure seeing your family once a year or once every two years. We both know when I finally stood up and wanted to put my goals on the table you didn’t even want to discuss them. Those words still echo in my ears like a siren going off through town warning us for a tornado. “You can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school?”
I still wonder to myself, what kind of person says that to his wife, when she tells him she is contemplating suicide and needs more in life? Have you even reflected on that?
I have also reflected on the day you and I sat in the Pasat at my mum’s, in her driveway, when you told me you wanted to marry me and take care of me. Remember that day? You had drove over from Chicago to visit Courtney while we were separated. Remember why we separated? You were out all the time drinking with your friends and we were fighting over YOU invalidating my feelings. I was standing up for myself and you didn’t think I had a justification for that. I did have justification for fighting you then. I’m not saying I handled that time in the proper way. I’m not perfect. I shouldn’t have thrown things. I shouldn’t have shouted the way I shouted, but you brought that crazy out. That is what YOU need to see. Your narcissistic abuse brought that crazy out in me. Make no mistake about it Armin, that is exactly WHAT IT WAS! NARCISSISTIC ABUSE! The projection, the invalidation, the gas lighting, and the stonewalling was narcissistic abuse. I left though, like any normal person should have done in that situation. The mistake was believing you when you came to Ohio. The mistake was taking you back and believing that you would have kept up your end of the bargain the second time.
You showed up in Ohio and you used your charm in the driveway at my mums telling me that you wanted to marry me and take care of me. It was a load of bullshit that I bought into. You never kept your end of the bargain Armin. It was that same year while I was planning out wedding you were laid out night after night drinking, leaving me home alone again, wondering who you were with and what you were doing. Again, when I questioned you, you would invalidate my feelings and tell me that I was crazy. Then, long behold you come home with another woman’s pants on! I still married your dumbass. I was the dumbass, and we had a second child. The two things I do not regret with you are our children, but they have paid a high price. I will get to them later in this revolution I’m having. Regarding Erica’s pants, you again invalidated my feelings again for months as I walked around paranoid about you cheating. The most hilarious thing as I reflect on our time together is that you ACCUSED ME OF CHEATING and TALKING TO MEN ONLINE the entire time you were pulling this bullshit ON ME!
I built you up. I supported ANY decision you ever fucking made. I was LOYAL TO YOU with all your fucking bullshit. I tolerated your womanizing, flirtatious friends and I’m a great fucking mum IN SPITE of the fucking life I have had from being sexually abused, sexually assaulted, and live with a physical disability…and when I made the decision to finally leave your emotionally abusive ass…
You wanted to kick me out of the town home when I told you I wanted to divorce you knowing I had spent the last 19 years building your credit up while mine went nowhere, and you fought over paying me minimum child support and I’m on limited income with disability. I wasn’t even asking for alimony. You knew I couldn’t rent anywhere due to my credit, but you were willing to push me out of the town home if I had let you. What kind of person does this to someone they claimed to love for 19 years? What kind of person does this to the mother of their children? Have you reflected on this at all? I have. I have reflected a lot over these past few months. I am not trying to keep your kids from you. I’m trying to stay civil IN SPITE OF ALL this anger I have inside for your fucking ass…I honestly wish I didn’t need child support from your ass. I don’t want anything from you to be quite honest but unfortunately, I need it for the kids. I wish I didn’t have to look at your face ever again. Life doesn’t work that way, and well I’m stuck with you until Kylie is 18.
You have NO IDEA Armin…you have no fucking idea!
I am trying to be whole. I am trying to heal. I am trying to be an example for my two beautiful daughters’. I will be whole, and I will heal. I am an example for our daughters to be. I have shown them not to tolerate abuse, and I’ve been an example that even when things are difficult in life to not give up. I have also been an example that as a woman, when they are grown, they can work hard to be who they want, and no man can break them completely. Our children have paid a high price in many ways though from you as well. Our children, who, by the way need to heal from damage with your bullshit too. Let’s discuss them now…
You were not only a tyrant towards me with your verbal abuse, but you were a tyrant towards them. Not only did you feel the need to try to control every aspect of my life through emotional manipulation, but you used the same tactics on them. You still attempt to use these tactics now but thank God you only get to attempt to use these tactics part time now instead of being in our home using them nonstop. Again, you will not readily admit to any of this and you will make excuses about your behavior and that doesn’t even matter to me anymore. Everyone can think you are this charming and fantastic father in the outside world, but I KNOW the truth. Our kids know the truth about who you really are under pressure. We know how you are when you do not get your way.
The kids and I will always remember the times you called them idiots, yelled curse words at them simply because you didn’t get your way. I know right now you want to go defensive and try to turn something around on me and try to bring up a time I would have cursed at Courtney in my anger. The difference between you and I is I used curse words in anger at the situation. I never used curse words aimed at her and the one time I did I addressed it immediately and corrected my parenting. Let’s take a trip back to 7th avenue when you were downstairs with Courtney yelling at her, “Are you fucking stupid or something?” I was upstairs, and I yelled downstairs and said, “This isn’t your mum and dads house and you will NOT speak to her like that. Your dad may talk to Eric like that, but YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO HER LIKE THAT!” You never even apologized to her for that. Those moments happened over and over for her, and she was only 8 years old then. I could write out so many moments for her it is pathetic, but I won’t. I’m happy she will never have to live through that shit ever again. I’m sorry it took me so long to leave your ass. I’m glad Kylie only received a limited amount of abuse. I should have done better as a mum and left when she was a baby actually.
You told me once before you moved out of the town home that I would never find someone who would do what you do for me…you said I would never find another you…I have reflected on that over these past few months too…
You were right Armin. I will not find another like you who will do what you did for me. I will not be with another man who verbally beats me down, who invalidates my feelings, who doesn’t support me going to school to better my life financially. I will not be with a man who controls me. I will not be with a man who verbally abuses my children. I will not be with a man who lays out all night with friends while I’m home lonely and depressed wondering what is wrong with me. I will not be with a man who doesn’t lift me up. I will not be with a man who doesn’t see my potential. I will not be with a man who doesn’t allow me to express my creative side. I will not be with a man who doesn’t work with me as a partner in the goals I have for my life and the life I see with him by my side. I will not be with a man who doesn’t bring peace to my life. You were right. I will not find another man like you. I will find a man who loves me for who I am and I will love him the way I tried to love you and when I do it will crush you seeing me and our children loving him and him loving us in peace and harmony because the fact of the matter is you are broken, and you have been broken since age 4. I hope you find a way to repair your damage. It isn’t my place to do that. It isn’t our children’s’ place to do that. Stop expecting us to. We’re moving on.