Category Archives: family
Been gone so long. Update on me & my FNL w/Pancreatic cancer
An update for my readers
Sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been busy with my oldest going back to school. Third grade now! I’ve also had some pretty rough days with my fibromyalgia and the tumor in my back since I’m still not on any medications for the fibro. The tumor pain is from over doing myself out back with my fall planting. I guess I still haven’t figured out how to pace myself.
We spent a week away from home last week. We spent most of that time in WI with my in laws. My father n law gave us some bad news. He said the chemotherapy he was on isn’t working and the cancer has gotten bigger and spread to his spleen and prostate. His pain is MUCH worse. The morphine he’s on isn’t taking care of the pain right now so this I know is VERY bad. He started a new chemotherapy this week in hopes it will prolong his life some but sadly it is soooo hard for me to be optimistic with this situation. I guess I am like that because I’ve lost so many to cancer and have no happy survival stories. I just pray every night that he is given the time he needs and that he is not made to suffer too long. I believe in prayer so that keeps me stronger then I think I would be otherwise. Faith keeps me above water.
I cried when we left. I am so worried about him. I feel helpless too and a part of me says to myself none of it is my place. I’m not his kid. I’m just his daughter by law. He has however always treated me great from the very beginning. Ten years I’ve been with his son and he’s never treated me bad. It is just sad to see someone you love go through such a bullshit thing like cancer. The worst part of it is no matter what he does he’ll lose like so many others….
I had to take a trip to Chicago while we were visiting the in laws. I was made Godmother of my nephew JJ. My husband was made Godfather. We are not catholic so it was a bit nerve racking in the beginning but turned out good. I’m a believer so I guess that is the bottom line. I believe in Christ.
It was a very rough trip for me though. I didn’t sleep and my pain level was extremely high the entire time we were gone. It isn’t anyone’s fault for that. I can’t expect everyone to have an outrageously priced mattress for me to sleep in. It did take me a few days to get my wind back. When I did get my wind back I over did it out back with my fall planting! Another two days to get back on my feet. Except this time I could not walk for two days. I can walk some today so I am thankful it wasn’t a long stretch of being bed ridden.
I have a lot of writing to catch on with the novel I’ve been writing for what feels like ages now. It is a slow process this book and I don’t understand why. I was thinking of maybe taking a breath from it and come back to it later but then I was thinking if I do that I will lose connection with my characters there…there is also the possibility of gaining more insight for my characters. Maybe I have too much mental stress right now to even think about putting out chapters. I just don’t know.
Right now I’m going to go and drink a hot cup of coffee, relax, and enjoy my toddler. Until next time…BE SAFE! God bless.
Severing Ties
For so long I was the one who apologized. I was the one who made peace. I was the one who always tried to make you happy. I was the one always making things right. I did these things even though I wasn’t the one who should have been sorry. I was not the one who was making war. I made you happy even though deep inside it made me unhappy. I was not the one who was wrong.
Looking back I know now I did these things because of dad. I did these things because of the ideal he held onto about family. He tried so hard to pass that onto me. He wasn’t wrong in passing on the ideal about family, but he was sadly mistaken about the family. The ideal was great. The family however was a different story.
A family is supposed to support one another. They are supposed to be there through thick and thin and love unconditionally. They don’t just love you when it is convenient for them. They don’t push you away when things get a little hairy. They don’t purposely set out to sabotage your life with drama or actions that leave scars you’ll never forget. Family is supposed to honest, not deceitful. A family is supposed to be able to tell you the truth to your face instead of gossiping about you at the kitchen table after you leave.
Family is supposed to be supportive and encouraging. They aren’t supposed to point out every flaw you have and bring you down in esteem because of those flaws you might have.
A lot of my family really wasn’t family. Some would say to me, “Now Rachel be careful of the bridges you might be burning with what you say…” and to them all I can say is this.
Some bridges have to be burnt down in order to rebuild new ones. Sometimes structures get worn so badly they collapse. The bridges I burn this day have long collapsed. They’ve collapsed with the weight of hurt, spitefulness, and anger long ago. The people I refer to in this post will know who I am referring to and I don’t give a rat’s ass honestly. They never really cared anyway. Family doesn’t love you out of pity. Family doesn’t love you because they fill they have to. They love you because they ARE family. A lot of them are not my family and really never have been. I was living in a bubble of a dream my dad had about an ideal he had about the family we were forced to accept because DNA bound us.
I’m a grown woman now and I don’t have to accept shit now. DNA is just that in this scenario, DNA. Family is so much more then that. It is so much deeper. It is sad they never realized that, because now it is too late. They’ve isolated themselves in their own drama, their own back stabbings, and their own pities with no real sense of what family could have been. At least now I won’t have to worry about being ripped to shreds as I leave their house. At least now I won’t have to worry about offending them when I’ve done NOTHING wrong. At least now I won’t have to worry about being remembered on Christmas when I call to say I was thinking about you. The visits, the calls and the thoughts end with this.
There is one thing I’ve never been able to get over. I’ve tried and it just isn’t going to happen. My dad died March 7th 1996, and he was my best friend. He was everything to me. I loved him like nothing else in this world and I needed “family” to help me as I faced the loss. They shunned me. They had NO CLUE the circumstances surrounding my absence at the time but were so quick to talk shit about me and treat me like a villain when I returned the night my dad died. I entered my mom’s house and only two people hugged me that night out of all the family who was there. That is pretty sad, but that is OK because now I see that those two out of that bunch are REAL FAMILY. The rest of them can go to hell. I forgive them for the ignorance but I don’t need them in my life. You can forgive but you can never forget. They never even apologized for that even. I never even got a sorry for that….even 13 years later they feel no guilt for the way they treated me. What a fool I was.
They brought it on themselves a long time ago. Sad I know. Unfortunately I’ve felt this way for a while now and had to take time to think through this to be sure I was ready to sever ties. The time has come. The time is now.
Dear Dad,
August 4, 2009
I know it’s been a long time. I have only tried to go on with my life and savor every moment possible. I’ve been chasing you for 13 years but not wanting to die. I’ve only wanted to live dad, do things that would make you proud. I wanted to let you go but feared of forgetting your face. I’m sorry but I’m tired of running the race. I know I can’t find you in a book, a store, or a show we use to watch on TV….I’ve finally come to see. You’re gone and not coming back to me. I’ve let you go but not forgotten.
I’ve got some things weighing heavy on my soul. I’ve got nowhere to run away too and to you is where I’d want to go. So here I am once again writing to a ghost from my past that I loved with all my soul.
I found a lump under my arm. At first I thought what harm? It doesn’t hurt just leave it be, but then a sad memory came back to me. I remembered how I begged you and pleaded that you’d go. When you started feeling ill and wanted no one else to know. You refused to seek help for something that was growing inside. Then one day it was too late, my senior year you died. Now I’m left with this memory inside my heart, and we are so far apart. It reminded me I have to go.
I did decide to go to the doctor after that memory floated on by. I kept hoping that this wasn’t an omen for the life I’ve lived. I went in with a brave face and your memory held tight. After the exam the doctor gave me quite a fright.
Dad he told me I could have cancer. Boy was I scared. Boy did I want to run, I needed to call you to hear that you cared. I just wanted to hear that voice of reassurance that only came from you. Yet again I was alone in my thoughts holding so tight to you. I thought about my husband, memories of how things were with you, thought about you dying and how hard that was to go through. I thought about my little girls and how I needed to be around for them. I thought about your funeral. I thought about Eve. I thought about all the what if’s that were passing me by…Eventually I just had to break down and cry.
Dad I’m scared! I don’t want to die! I know the facts aren’t in. I know it isn’t certain to be cancer there….I can’t help but think of all I’ve had to spare. All the things I’ve missed with you gone and how life for my girls like that would be so long….it would be so unfair…my husband couldn’t do it all alone. I go Wednesday to have a closer look. To see what that lump is there. I pray that isn’t cancer I don’t want to be the one in that chair. The chair you once sat in. Evelyn sat there too. It’s the chair where the doctor told you they knew…you only had a certain amount of time to live. It’s a chair my father n law sat in not long ago…it will hurt like hell to let him go as well.
I know life ends sometime dad. I remember all the things you told me before. I remember you telling me that life will go on. I know you told me to be strong and live life, go on become a mother and a loyal loving wife. I’ve done those things and wouldn’t trade them for the world but how can they live happily without a mom within reach? I have so much goodness I want to teach. I want to share your wisdom and my sense of faith. I want to see them do things that you never got to see me do….Oh God how I miss you.
I have only told a few family members about the lump there. I figured I’d wait until I knew for sure what is going on before I bring them into the scare. Maybe this will be it and my time will be paced like yours. I’ll have to settle a lot of things and even some scores. Pass around forgiveness and let be what will be. Maybe this is it and God is coming for me. I’m not ready to go anytime soon. But I do know that death is there waiting one day I just don’t want that to be now.
I want you to keep my seat warm there in heaven where I know you are. In the future I’ll be next to you sitting on a star but lets hope God doesn’t let that happen too soon. I got a job to do here with my girls. I love you dad. Pass on a good word to God for me while you’re sipping coffee and playing those cards. You’ll forever be in my heart.
Love Rachel Ann
Would You?
If I were to die tonight
Could you possibly know?
The love I feel for you
So right
If I were to die in my sleep
Would you know?
You’re the only one I wanted to keep
So tight
If I were gone by the morrow
Would you know?
Could you know?
How much I truly love you…
Even if I were gone
Just Ordinary 