Category Archives: dreams

I feel so alone….

I’m disgusted with myself. I weigh too much now and I slipped three times on smoking! Yes, I’ve smoked three cigarettes in the past couple weeks. I dream about them and I think about them constantly. It is enough to drive you nuts almost. I am so drawn to them especially now that I need to lose thirty pounds.

I’ve started a few new medicines and that has put on some of the weight. It isn’t only the pills. I can’t do a regular exercise routine due to pain from that damn tumor! I did ten sit-ups and it about killed me today. My back pain is a nine right now on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain. I’m also medicated! I don’t know what to do folks. I’m becoming a blimp. I don’t want to be one of those people who will go on the Oprah Winfrey show because she can’t get out of her bed because she is too fat.

I started taking some diet pills to help curb my appetite, which is funny because I don’t have much of one anyway. I just don’t get it. It is putting me into a bad depression too…I’m trying so hard to fight it and fight the urge to smoke. I can’t be 174 lbs people. It was hard to be my normal weight of 140 lbs. I struggled to be there. Food has always been an enemy. I don’t like to eat.

I think back to the days when I starved myself. I was an easy 20 lbs under weight then and I stayed that way for years. Even after my first child I was 20 lbs under weight. I loved it. I love being thin. It is sexy to me and it makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel in control too and I miss that big time. I was 124 lbs when I got married in 2005. Boy if I could only get back to that.

I found out through therapy that the reason I starve/starved myself was to have control. Everything else in my life was out of control and I couldn’t control it. What I put in my body as far as food I could control and I do/did. I fight the urge to go back to that too. I fight that everyday as I force myself to eat dinner with a smile with my family.

I don’t eat breakfast and I don’t eat lunch. I have a small dinner most nights. I don’t get where the weight is coming from and it is driving me to urges that I don’t want to give into. It is easy to skip breakfast and lunch right now because my oldest child is in school and my husband works. Not sure how it will work come summer.

If my dad were here I could call him and just talk to him about it. Talk to him about the issues I’m having. I wish I could hear his voice in times like these. Twelve years this month he’s been gone and I still mourn.

My husband and I have been having some rough patches the past few days/nights. Doesn’t every marriage? I was thinking last night that I would have nowhere to go if things fell apart for me now. Home isn’t home in Ohio. It stop being home March 7, 1996.

I’m estranged from one brother because of past abuse. I hardly talk to him. I’ve forgiven him but it is the way it is.

I want to be close to my oldest brother, but he has so much bitterness that he hangs onto that our relationship would never be a happy one for real. It would be one of those fake happy relationships and I’d walk on eggshells all the time.

My youngest brother has a lot of growing up to do. He carries a lot on his shoulders too. I’ve done things to him that I hope he’s forgiven me for. I’m not proud of them at all and I wish I could take it back. I love him a whole bunch. We’re not close because I figure it is easier for him if I’m further away from him.

My other brother, well, we’re the closest. We’ve been through a lot and we have a lot in common and talk well together. Unfortunately we distance ourselves as well away from each other to make life a little easier for the both of us for reasons I won’t say.

I love my family. I love my brothers even the bad in them that has washed away over the years. I wish we weren’t so damn divided or distanced among each other. I wish we were closer to one another like a family truly should be. I wish my dad were here to help make it that way…it was like that when he was alive for a long time. God takes the rose from the family and always leaves the thorns. I believe that.

I just feel like I have no one to turn to right now. Yeah I know you are probably saying well what about your husband…this isn’t something I want to turn to him about and I don’t know why…

I feel very alone right now…I hope it passes soon.

Until next time…

lifesohard.jpg

JO

The Premonition Dream- I should have been in tune!

I was just looking at my post history for this month and noticed something strange. I had put a post up on December 6th and that was the evening that Lucy was killed by the drunk driver. The post I put up that day was a dream that I wondered if it was some sort of premonition. As I read the posting over I wonder if that dream was really a warning that something bad was going to happen back home? One thing in the dream that sticks out as I read it over is the part about the phone message I had received.

Of those three missed calls one was a voice mail. I listened to the voice mail and it was an old family friend, Mary. She left this message, “Hi Rachel it is Mary I just wanted to talk…something is going on here.” There was a scary pause in her message.

Maybe I should have called back home that day to tell them I felt like something was going to happen somewhere. I felt like that the whole day. I didn’t get word about Lucy and the tragic accident until Sunday evening when my aunt called and of course I wrote about it on Monday.

That dream was a warning. I know without a doubt now. I knew that morning but didn’t act on it. I’ve had them before.

I had a dream once about a little boy getting hit by a car. That dream came true and I tried frantickly to try to figure out who the boy was in the dream. I even went through my cousins pictures thinking it might have been a kid of one of their friends. I never found a picture to match the boy in my dream but the news the next day reported that a boy was killed by a car not far from where I lived. The boy killed was the boy I dreamt about. I was only a teenager then.

I don’t have these “premonition” dreams often but I know them when I have them. The urgency I feel when I wake up is what tells me they are some sort of warning. I wish I would have been more in tune with this last one I had that Wednesday night. I am not sure what I could have done…maybe something.

Sleep Disturbance

I can’t sleep again. I’ve been up since three a.m. Some of the dreams I have are very disturbing and I don’t even want to write about them. The one I had this morning sent me into a mild panic attack. I haven’t one of those in a long time. I took a nice hot shower to help keep the panic at bay. I wonder if it all falls down to being part of fibromyalgia?

I sometimes wake up with worries that I can’t stop. I worry about someone breaking into the house to harm my girls. I worry about an intruder coming into my house to attack me. Why do these things enter my mind? It only drives me crazy in the moment and I know that I can’t stop those things from happening if they were to happen. BUT I have those thoughts and worries over and over.

When I woke up this morning those weren’t the only things I was thinking of. My mind was racing about all kinds of stupid shit too. Things like what sort of stuffing will I make with the turkey on Christmas day. Should I bake moist banana bread? I mean come on…can’t this sort of thing wait until I actually WANT to be out of bed to surface in my mind??

I wanted a cigarette badly, but I fought the urge and I won. I have been a non-smoker for 12 days now!

I thought a lot about Lucy this morning too, and Gary. They had a candle light vigil at her home Thursday. Many people turned out the local paper said. I definitely would have been there if I had gone back home. I still can’t make sense of something like that happening to someone, especially someone I knew. My heart aches for Gary. He spent 29 years with Lucy and now she’s gone. I can’t help but think about the void I still carry over my dad being gone. I can only attempt to imagine the pain he feels and the void he’ll carry.

A friend of mine said not to try to make sense of this tragedy because it will only drive me crazy. My friend said that some things you can’t make sense of. I guess they are right. I don’t think this tragedy will ever make sense to anyone who was close to Lucy or even those who only read about the story. The holiday will be hard for Gary and his family. They will definitely be in my prayers.

Something else that kept me awake this morning was thought about God and his existence. I was thinking to myself that I know he exists, why don’t others? God is the warning you get in your gut about situations. God is your intuition and judgment. God is what tells you not to drive drunk, not to steal that item, not to disrespect your parents. God is that urge in your to survive when you are in a dangerous situation. That is what God is if you ask me. I am close with God and it explains why I am still alive today and why many bad situations have avoided my path.

Maybe if people who didn’t believe that God existed could read more into their intuition and the warning radar they have…they might just start to believe? I don’t know…

I have to get my daughter up soon for school so I guess I’ll go have a cup of coffee. I am dog-tired and wish that I would stop waking up the way I do.

Cluster of things…

Today was a bad day. My FMS is kicking my ass today so my daughter and I watch movies and just relaxed. Nothing helped relieve the pain today. I believe it is because of the cold weather. It is negative temps here today.

Anyway I was thinking earlier I never explained why I chose LingoSlinger for the BTG award. I think I’ll clear that up now.

First of all she is one of the most talented writers I’ve come across in the cyber world. She writes so well that every piece of her work you read has a sense of her in it. It feels as though you might be reading her diary even if it is just some fiction piece she’s made up. She is her BLOG. I think she deserves that award and if you haven’t checked out her page I suggest you do so sometime.

I have so much I want to write about but it is so scattered in my mind I am afraid it wouldn’t make any sense to put it into one post. I had another strange dream…I am wondering if me not smoking is having any effect on my dream cycle? It is my seventh day!!! Today was a tough day to get through too, let me tell you, I even searched for some cigarettes in the house! Thank goodness there are none!! I think I would have broke down and smoked one. Well probably not the whole thing because it would have tasted like shit, but I would have lit it.

I think I am going to write about the dream in a separate post. Keep things as organized as I can here, LOL. Organized? Yeah right! That’s coming from a fibro fog sufferer. Organization is just a dream most of the time!

I think I’ll write another day. Have a good one.

Premonition? Or just a high anxiety dream?

A strange dream woke me up this morning. I have come to realize that keeping a journal of the dreams might help me understand better as to why I am having them.

It started with me seeing my mom lying on her bed sleeping. It jumped to the next scene in the dream where I was looking at my cell phone. I had received three missed calls from a number I didn’t recognize. I can only recall the first few numbers being 0315. The rest is a blank. Of those three missed calls one was a voice mail. I listened to the voice mail and it was an old family friend, Mary. She left this message, “Hi Rachel it is Mary I just wanted to talk…something is going on here.” There was a scary pause in her message. Suddenly I am on the phone calling my moms house to get Mary’s number. Some kid answered and said everyone was at the O.R (Operating Room). O.R? I asked. He repeated O.R and said something to me about a surgery my mom was having, but I don’t recall what he said now. The dream then jumped to a new scene where I am standing in the kitchen of my mom’s house talking with my oldest brother and my husband is there with us. I asked my oldest brother, “R what is going on?” his reply to me was not to listen to that kid and that kid was disturbed. He told me not to worry about anything. We hugged and I started to cry a little as I told him I wasn’t ready to lose her yet. Then the dream flashed me back to the beginning of the dream, which I was standing over mom lying on her bed sleeping. I remember she was wearing bright colors.

Now I don’t know what the hell all that means…but I woke up feeling very anxious. When that happens I write the dreams down. I wonder if this is some sort of warning or premonition?

I’ll be back later to post something else here.