Author Archives: JustOrdinary

The Closing Chapter

Most of my readers know I have not had an easy life. Some of you may not. I’ve been molested, sexually assaulted, raped, beaten, and I just recently left a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage of 19 years. (together 19, married for 15). I’m not here intending to complain about the life I’ve lived. I believe that everything that happens to us, happens to us for a reason. The trauma I’ve lived through has helped shaped me. The scars I bare on my heart has made me the open minded, loving, understanding and strong woman that I’ve grown into. I’m still growing. What I intend to do tonight is reflect the last 19 years.

I guess I should start at the beginning…sit back…this might take a while…

I had left my home state that year to live with my older brother. I left my home state to clean my life up from some previous trauma and to get off drugs. While living with my brother I met him. We met online, American Online to be exact. We chatted for about a year and we got to know each other. We had decided to meet outside of chat. He was a military guy. He was kind of shy. He had a sense of humor and we both loved music. Things at my brothers’ place was becoming chaotic. Things were strained in his marriage and I needed to go. He moved me back to my home state, Ohio. He was from Wisconsin. He knew my hometown wasn’t a great place for me and my past drug use, so he offered to move to Wisconsin. We decided to move in together. Off to Wisconsin I went.

What could go wrong? He knew me!  I loved him. Wasn’t it love? I knew what love was! I adored him. I was his best friend. He knew almost every secret I had. We laughed, I loved, we argued, I made up, there was sex, promises, I trusted, and things were great! I spent MY time TOGETHER! My world revolved around him. Nothing could tear us apart! The first two years flew by! The only problem that approached during these two years was I was slowly becoming sick as a tumor grew slowly in my back along with a tarlov cyst.

I can’t be pregnant! There is no way! Doctors told me I couldn’t conceive. He didn’t want to tell his parents. I called back home to tell my mom and she asked if I was happy about it. I told her I was scared and shocked, but I was happy. My family knew about the pregnancy a week before he finally got courage up to tell his parents about it. We finally told his parents…they tried to push us to get married. I refused for several reasons. The first was I had not divorced from the first marriage I fled from (they didn’t know I was married at this point yet), and the second was I didn’t want to marry him just because I was pregnant. I felt like his parents was pushing the idea that we should be married simply because we were having a kid and not because we were in love. When I reached 12 weeks I miscarried that pregnancy. I was pretty upset because I had accepted that I wasn’t going to ever have children, and then I conceived a child and built my hopes up about motherhood then it was ripped from me. His dad bought me flowers and a card. His brothers said sorry about the loss.

Some time passed. I can’t be sure how long. We had one night of not using protection. I ended up pregnant again. This was the beginning of the end…

(more to come…tomorrow)

Woman

People said I could be who I wanted to be

I could do what I wanted too

They never told me that men ran the world

And there would be rules

I would have to twist and tumble over

Like an Olympian gymnast

They never told me

I’d barely make it out alive

They forgot to tell me that

Men would subjugate me

Beat me…

If I tried to be equal

Men would sexualize me

Molest me…sexually assault me…rape me…

If I displayed my beauty

Men would muzzle me

Bitch… tramp…emotionally driven…irrational

If I demanded respect

They never told me to expect this

To barely make it out alive, as a woman,

In a world that never gave a shit

About who I wanted to be

Or the things I could do

Unless those things

Serve men who run the world

Out There

Shadows haunt me

They’re always there

Strangers in the moonlight

Slithering

Dusk til dawn

Dancing in my surroundings

Reflecting things I cannot forget

Scars I carry on my soul

Seeking refuge in my heart

Tearing me apart

Piece by piece

Where will I find peace?

I just know there is a way

To mend my broken heart

To heal my broken soul

To find a way to where you are

Where shadows won’t dance

In this lonesome romance

On walls where scary dreams wait

In a solemn trance

They always trace the edges

of the scars on my soul

Seeking refuge inside of me

Never letting go

I know you’re out there

Waiting to protect me

From the monster

That patiently waits…

To devour me.

Sabotage…I’m a runner and it isn’t for a race!

I didn’t want to think he broke me, but I can’t live in denial. I’m broken to some extent. He won some aspects of the war he waged over the many years because I conceded to his tactics of manipulation, verbal abuse and control. I know this because I have trust issues dealing with every type of relationship I try to form now. I am constantly wondering what the motive is, or what will I have to sacrifice in order to have the relationship in my life? Will I have to chip away another piece of who I am in order for this person to be in my life? I constantly ask myself what does this person want of me? I don’t trust good gestures either. I constantly think to myself this person is kind now, but when will the other shoe drop? I jump to conclusions quickly too. Will this will be another Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type? I think in the back of my mind. These thoughts are not normal thoughts. These thought processes are scars left behind by narcissistic abuse. How long will they be around I wonder?

I fell in love with a magical man. He helped me and guided me to freedom. He is in a far off land and things are complicated. I adore this man and love this man so much it scares the living shit out of me because I truly have never loved anyone this much in my entire life. I want him, I need him, I am vulnerable to him, I want to run to him, but I also want to run away from him in fleeting moments. The running away part, I know is a symptom from the trauma I have suffered through. I’m a runner. It is a defense mechanism that has been scorched into the core of my existence and for my entire life it has served me well. It has helped me survive some pretty traumatic experiences. It will even help me survive the divorce I just went through. The difference with this magical guy that I adore with every ounce of my being is…I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be better and do better. I don’t want to run from him. I don’t want to scream fuck off and run for the hills. I absolutely adore him. I don’t want to throw in the towel or burn the bridge like I have done my whole life. I actually love this man. I want to grow old with him. I want to hear him tell me stories about his life and his history. I want to just lay with him and listen to him breathe. I want to hear his heartbeat. I want to just occupy a room with him.

I don’t know how to break this vicious cycle that has been wired inside of me for so long. I get angry when I am hurt. I lash out in a very hurtful way too and then I want to run for the hills. I have done this my entire life. I couldn’t tell you how many bridges I have burned to the ground or how often I have self sabotaged relationships out of hurt. I have done years of therapy and that is how I am aware of this trait. I know why I do it; I just don’t know how to fix it…

Until You Explode

Whispers falling from your lips

Calming my heart with a smile

A love so bold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

Writing me promises through the distance

Planting hope where chaos once ruled

Love freely flowing

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

You show up in the moonlight’s shadow

You tell me these things are true

And you leave me sold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode