Forever changed by trauma & drug abuse

I have these thoughts in my head that I know are lies, but a part of me wants to believe them because it is easier that way. It is easy to believe I’m not enough, I’m in this journey alone, I need pills to feel adequate, that I am broken, and there is no fixing me. That I deserved every trauma in my life because I’m not worthy of anything healthy, or half way normal.

I think often about how much easier it would be to just die instead of fight another day through pain, to fight through the cravings of being high on pain pills, to not wake up and go into a job that is so physically challenging to me that I cry every day when I get home.

Then I think about my youngest daughter. I know she needs me still, so I stay, I fight another day…

But what will I do when she is finally raised and I’m left with no reason to remind myself that the thoughts are cruel lies created by a brain that has forever been changed from trauma and drug abuse…

I worry.

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Monday, February 24, 2020, in life. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: