Daily Archives: Saturday, February 1, 2020

Amazed by the universe…

It has been a challenging, and an enlightening day for me. I have been reflecting on today for several hours and have also been reflecting on the past 16-17 months of my life, and have come to these conclusions…today was so profound that I’ve had to write about not only today, but the journey I started right after my divorce up until now.

For last 16-17 months I’ve prayed every single night, and I meditate daily, and nightly. I’ve been evaluating every day I live going over thought processes, triggers, analyzing my circle, and it is an obsession because I want to stay sober. I don’t want to stay sober just for my kids, but for myself, and for all future relationships. Thus far I’ve stayed cleaned. It hasn’t always been easy. I’ve slowly learned that I have to be vigilant and consistent with my approach. Recently my mum ended up in the hospital and I was given the news she is dying from end stage COPD. I went back home to spend time with her, and to have her placed into a hospice care facility. Since the news of my mum I’ve struggled quite a bit doing things on my own, or with limited support of my sobriety from opiates. I went searching for something I needed, but wasn’t sure what it was I needed. I searched anyway. I went back to puzzles, painting, reading, writing more often, trying new experiences, new music, but these things were not sufficient. I didn’t realize that these things were not sufficient until I had decided to reach out to someone with the mindset that maybe I was ready to move on from my divorce, and ready to move on for good from Russ. I thought maybe if I found love I could be saved. Little did I realize it was love I was looking for, but not love in the traditional view. I was looking for someone to show me love and care for my wellbeing and sobriety. I was looking for people to love me in my own language. I was looking for something to lift me up because I know losing my mum will devastate me, even if we’ve had a very complex relationship and mostly distant one, that I love her. She is my mum and when she is gone I will be just as devastated as when I lost my dad, or perhaps more because my struggle with depression, substance abuse, relationship bonding, detachment, and my own struggles throughout my own life that have made it possible to realize I’m more like my mum than I ever thought, and I have an understanding about her now that I needed so badly as a child. The person who I went against fear to approach has helped me understand that I need reinforcements that suit my pursuit to stay sober. The universe brought me back to a job I had left years ago for a good length of time, the universe placed him within my reach, the universe answered a prayer I’ve been praying for these past 16-17 months. I’ve prayed for strength, and a way to stay sober and healthy. I never would have imagined that the gifts afforded to me over these passing 16-17 months would have been what they were. The first gift was Russ. A hard gift that shook me to the core. I fell hard for Russ. I thought I loved him deeply, but I understand in this moment I loved the idea of him “rescuing me” so I wouldn’t have to put in more work on my own accord. Him coming into my life taught me lessons about boundaries, illusion, true heartbreak, and my resolve to not keep repeating unhealthy patterns, and he taught me a little about my true purpose. He taught me about forgiveness. He reinforced my goal to loving myself first. My job came back to me because I needed those people to help me transition to my independence, and help me navigate better on how to find myself little by little. The guy I approached recently accepted an invite into my life and invited me into his own life and I believe the universe connected us to help me save myself from myself. Let me repeat the most important part of what that guy has done, “to help ME save MYSELF, from MYSELF” I thought I was looking for something else, but the universe knew what I needed and has provided to me what I really need at this time in my life. It humbles you. It amazes you. The world is most definitely a magical place. It’s magic is amazing when you’re open to it.

The Gift

A gift was presented to me
I had no recollection of needing it
Until I received it
I went searching for something
But I was unsure what it was
I didn’t know it was necessary
Until the universe guided me
Right to it
For every gift I have received
I’m humbled and one step closer
One step closer to peace and serenity
Some gifts were just temporary
Some gifts bewildered me
Some gifts hurt me
And they left me alone in the recesses
Of my damaged mind
The lessons to self love
Some gifts have stuck around
To show me the power of faith
The existence of hope
To shine light in the darkest of moments
To guide me, and help me cope
This gift might actually save me from myself
I had no recollection of needing it
Until it helped me feel free

Just when you…

Just when you think you’re healed something shows up in your life that reminds you that you still have work to do on yourself and you’re still a little fucked up, or maybe a lot, and either way you’re still fucked up. I attended my first AA meeting today. I have been to a few NA meetings in the past, but they never fit for me, so I avoided them. I realized this past week that I definitely need support I don’t have right now in my life to stay sober from opiates. I have 16 months under my belt and these meetings may just keep me sober for the rest of my life and I pray for that nightly. Will I go to another one? The fear tells me no, but fear is a trickster in most cases, so I’m going to go and work the program because what else do I have to lose in doing that? Nothing. AA felt different from NA and I was quite amazed about that. I wasn’t jonesing to get high on opiates after leaving except I wanted to smoke 5 cigarettes at once. It was overwhelming, but comforting in ways NA wasn’t for me. NA strangely had me feeling closer to falling off the wagon then I think it should have, so I was scared to continue going. I will push through the fear about going to AA because I know enough about myself at this point in my life that I will fall off the wagon again if I continue to try to do this sober life solo. I’ve met a nice guy who is in recovery that actually made me realize this. Again the universe is giving me a blessing to continue living in light, and if I’ve learned anything about the universe is that the higher power will give you gifts and if you don’t take the gifts to stay in light you may end up with coal and no flame which leads to darkness. I thought I figured out what I wanted….who I wanted in my life…thought I found myself completely…thought I was golden regarding sobriety…thought my triggers were figured out…the few things I’ve figured out thus far is nothing compared to how much more I need to figure out and the rest will take a support system that suits these things I’m trying to figure out at this point in my life. I’ve realized in less than 24 hours that I don’t want a relationship on a romantic level because I’m still trying to be whole and healthy and until that is complete I can’t bring another man into my life or my kids life on a romantic level. If I do that it would be a disaster and hinder what it is I’m supposed to do in my purpose. My purpose right now is to be a healthy person, a sober mum, and someone who can choose a romantic partnership based on healthy choices not choosing someone because of triggers, codependency, etc. I have to figure out how to be this person on my own without clouding it with ideals of love and romance. Figuring this out will take sober people working the program in success to give me a higher chance to be successful myself. Yeah…still slightly fucked up, but that is OK, the universe is directing the show and I’m going to do my best to play the part the universe chose for me. ACT I: Attend meetings and work the program. ACT II: stay tuned for miracles