Monthly Archives: September 2019

Mind’s Eye

My mind’s eye envisioned a beauty

A beauty to be reckoned with

My calculations were fuzzy

Scrambled in the depths of my soul

How was I to know?

You were the beauty I imagined

You were the beauty I craved

You were the beauty I needed

To complete a circle that had been broken

By saturated filth and madness

I couldn’t gauge your importance

I couldn’t fathom your existence

In a world that clouded my every judgement

Yet when you appeared I knew

I knew from your magic

That I was to hold you dear

No matter the space between

Because you were my ultimate savior

Sent to heal my wounds

Sent to guide me with persuasion

That magic truly does exist

Underneath the cold shallows

I’m forever grateful that my mind’s eye

Dreamt of you and you appeared into my life.

Becoming whole again…

I know some of my decisions have had some people wondering what was my line of thinking over this last year of my life. Some wonder why I declined opportunities that other women would die to have been offered such a luxury, but I have had a lot of things to repair in my life…my heart & soul at the forefront, but also I had to travel a path of self discovery again & find my confidence, my honor, my courage, my independence & my true life path. Some have wondered why I went to back to school for a degree that I hang on a wall in my home instead of using the degree for a career in that arena. My choices have been strange choices to so many, but they have been the right choices for me at the time I made them. Healing yourself takes time, meditation, focus, and perseverance. Healing myself wasn’t going to happen with a rich man, a younger man, an older man, or a poor man. Healing wasn’t going to happen in a classroom full of distractions. Healing myself has required many nights of solitude, many nights of tears, and reflection, so that I could really dig deep down inside of myself to figure out past trauma, reflect on my previous choices I had been making my whole life. I would not have done it being distracted by a rich man, any man really, and being in a career that actually was chosen for the wrong reasons would have stopped my healing process and personal growth. I am happy about my decisions that I have made this past year. I chose to heal myself, so that I could be whole again over being with a man I love with every ounce of my being. I still love him with every ounce of my being, but time was not on our side. Perhaps one day we will be lucky enough to have our time together in peace, privacy and harmony…until then I will continue to discover who I am with each whole piece I put in place of the missing pieces and the damaged pieces my life has left me with thus far. I’m happy I went back to driving school bus & write in my spare time over teaching a classroom because I found much of my soul tribe there as I have transitioned into this newly found Rachel. I have been able to write again because of the choices I have made, and no one will ever know how freeing that is for me. If you wonder why I do what I do, or worry about my choices… just remember this…I want to live now, I love living now, I have been awakened by a force I can’t explain to you & I probably never will be able too…but I appreciate your care, wonder and amazement. I guess I would be mystified too if I peered into my life from where you stand. Keep your eyes open because the wonder, and amazement has only just begun.