Daily Archives: Tuesday, April 30, 2019

What would dad say?

My dad was the most brilliant man I ever knew. He was strong, the smartest man I ever knew, he was stern, but so loving. I miss him every single day of my life, and I miss him most when I lack direction. He truly was my north star.

I’m 41, have had two failed marriages, and the men were not worthy of me, I’ve been beaten, sexually assaulted, half crippled, been sexually abused, raped, I’m a recovering opiate addict, but I’m also a survivor, a fighter, optimist, stubborn, and a person who loves so deeply I can drown in it.

What would dad say to me to me now I ask as I work through picking up pieces of my daughter’s and my own life with as much dignity as I can muster…

He use to say these amazing things to me and for a long time I guess I forgot some of those things, but at this hour…late or early depending on your perspective I remember him telling me that there would be one day that I would meet a man that would occupy my mind and heart and that the man would make me want to be a better woman not for myself alone but for him…and in that he would lift me up because I would be the woman that would make him want to be a better man not for himself but also for me. Dad said that would be real love…but in order to receive that love I had to be a woman of honor, I had to be just, forgiving, loyal to myself first.

I believe he would say this to me in this moment, “Rachel, you have had some hard lessons and the hardest lesson is to love yourself the right way so people know how to love you by the example you give them…the terrible things in your life were things that had to happen so that you would finally learn this lesson so that you can finally experience love in all the ways it was meant to be from the beginning in all your relationships starting with the relationship with yourself and spreading out to friends, family & eventually a true love partner like wildfire. It is ok to reflect because reflection allows us to learn and heal with understanding that we learn to have after each event, but you need to remember you’re the diamond…shaped and transformed from dirty, black coal that once was overlooked as a useless stone, but ended up being realized as not only a valuable resource in our world, but a precious stone that people pay so much for. You are my diamond and eventually you will understand what I meant all those times I have told you that you were my diamond…the diamond is unbreakable as well…remember that most of all.”

I understand now…in this moment of clarity. My dad was the greatest man I ever knew. He was instilling things in me to use later in life because he knew he would die one day…