Monthly Archives: April 2019

What would dad say?

My dad was the most brilliant man I ever knew. He was strong, the smartest man I ever knew, he was stern, but so loving. I miss him every single day of my life, and I miss him most when I lack direction. He truly was my north star.

I’m 41, have had two failed marriages, and the men were not worthy of me, I’ve been beaten, sexually assaulted, half crippled, been sexually abused, raped, I’m a recovering opiate addict, but I’m also a survivor, a fighter, optimist, stubborn, and a person who loves so deeply I can drown in it.

What would dad say to me to me now I ask as I work through picking up pieces of my daughter’s and my own life with as much dignity as I can muster…

He use to say these amazing things to me and for a long time I guess I forgot some of those things, but at this hour…late or early depending on your perspective I remember him telling me that there would be one day that I would meet a man that would occupy my mind and heart and that the man would make me want to be a better woman not for myself alone but for him…and in that he would lift me up because I would be the woman that would make him want to be a better man not for himself but also for me. Dad said that would be real love…but in order to receive that love I had to be a woman of honor, I had to be just, forgiving, loyal to myself first.

I believe he would say this to me in this moment, “Rachel, you have had some hard lessons and the hardest lesson is to love yourself the right way so people know how to love you by the example you give them…the terrible things in your life were things that had to happen so that you would finally learn this lesson so that you can finally experience love in all the ways it was meant to be from the beginning in all your relationships starting with the relationship with yourself and spreading out to friends, family & eventually a true love partner like wildfire. It is ok to reflect because reflection allows us to learn and heal with understanding that we learn to have after each event, but you need to remember you’re the diamond…shaped and transformed from dirty, black coal that once was overlooked as a useless stone, but ended up being realized as not only a valuable resource in our world, but a precious stone that people pay so much for. You are my diamond and eventually you will understand what I meant all those times I have told you that you were my diamond…the diamond is unbreakable as well…remember that most of all.”

I understand now…in this moment of clarity. My dad was the greatest man I ever knew. He was instilling things in me to use later in life because he knew he would die one day…

Dear Armin

The divorce was finalized September 7, 2018 and I can honestly say I felt no sadness, no pain, no sorrow except for our children. Inside I felt free. I felt free like a bird that had been caged for over a decade. I didn’t think that I would cry at all actually…but here I am at your beckon call again…I’m sure you get some pleasure out of this…as you did when I cried all those 19 years…

Packing up the townhome & stumbling over many things this past month has opened me up to some feelings that were buried deep in your wreckage.

The feelings are not for you though…no, I can honestly say I am happy to be done with you & on my own path of discovering myself again because I lost her in you…

I find myself crying over the fact that I loved you more than you loved me…and I was foolish enough to accept that. I cry because conversations replay in my head that showed me how selfish, unloving, & how cruel you really were, but fear kept me with you. I find myself crying because I gave you 19 years of my life! 19 years….I cry because I do not think I could be with another man long term after you…I walked away from one I fell madly in love with…because of you…will I walk away from every man simply because I’m TERRIFIED they will end up being LIKE YOU. Probably because I walked away from Russ, who I loved so deeply that I never thought I could love anyone in such a deep way…I loved him more than I loved you, but I walked away…I knew from your lesson that it was a disaster waiting to happen regardless of how much I loved him, regardless of his fame and fortune…I walked away because of what you brutally taught me. Will there ever be another man? That is really hard to answer yes too after you…

Of course you’re clueless to the damage you have left behind…you’re too egotistical to care that others have feelings & you never take responsibility for what harm you do to others….especially me…

I don’t hate you, but I want too…I can’t because you’re the father of my two beautiful daughter’s…

Through tears I know you have taught me some valuable lessons, but you have made it damn near impossible for a good man to catch me after your charade…

I should have never came back to you in 2003…the best thing about that decision was I was blessed with Kylie.

The worst thing about that decision was 14 years of the same shit over and over…and I do know now without a doubt I deserved NONE OF IT! I was a good woman to you, and I was a good mother to your children, I listened to your past troubles & family problems & I loved you from the depths of my soul. I was loyal to you because I was a loving, a loyal, strong, good woman…then you slowly changed me into a woman who was full of fear about your reactions to me being myself…I ended up being a woman who was afraid to keep friends because of what YOU thought or how YOU would react. I gave up things I loved doing because they didn’t suit you or you were jealous it took small amounts of my time, but you only gave me crumbs…I gave up so much for you even though these things were apart of who I was….politics, friends, painting, writing, singing, writing music, visiting family back home, goals for myself…I still do not understand how I became that woman except that I loved you more than I loved myself…and that almost killed me Armin…and you didn’t give a shit about that. You flourished with my help…and I became a shell with your help….

I cry for Rachel and for the 19 years she sacrificed to make sure you felt loved as I felt conditional love. You loved me when it suited you or when I did what you wanted or what you needed. You have any idea how damaging that is? Go read some real books about what damage you have done and left Armin…maybe then, maybe you may have a sleepless night, or two too…if you have a conscious…maybe apologize and recognize how fucked up you have made me…for the 19 years I gave to you…

You were my prison Armin…and now in freedom I’m afraid to love or be vulnerable enough to attempt to love…

I just want to thank you through my tears…not tears from missing you, but tears from missing me & not finding her completely yet…I say yet because I know I will find her fully one day despite your negative names, verbal lashings, conditional love, & your lack of human empathy for me.I want to thank you for teaching me the most important lesson of my life…

To always love myself first, and at any cost.