Sabotage…I’m a runner and it isn’t for a race!

I didn’t want to think he broke me, but I can’t live in denial. I’m broken to some extent. He won some aspects of the war he waged over the many years because I conceded to his tactics of manipulation, verbal abuse and control. I know this because I have trust issues dealing with every type of relationship I try to form now. I am constantly wondering what the motive is, or what will I have to sacrifice in order to have the relationship in my life? Will I have to chip away another piece of who I am in order for this person to be in my life? I constantly ask myself what does this person want of me? I don’t trust good gestures either. I constantly think to myself this person is kind now, but when will the other shoe drop? I jump to conclusions quickly too. Will this will be another Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type? I think in the back of my mind. These thoughts are not normal thoughts. These thought processes are scars left behind by narcissistic abuse. How long will they be around I wonder?

I fell in love with a magical man. He helped me and guided me to freedom. He is in a far off land and things are complicated. I adore this man and love this man so much it scares the living shit out of me because I truly have never loved anyone this much in my entire life. I want him, I need him, I am vulnerable to him, I want to run to him, but I also want to run away from him in fleeting moments. The running away part, I know is a symptom from the trauma I have suffered through. I’m a runner. It is a defense mechanism that has been scorched into the core of my existence and for my entire life it has served me well. It has helped me survive some pretty traumatic experiences. It will even help me survive the divorce I just went through. The difference with this magical guy that I adore with every ounce of my being is…I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be better and do better. I don’t want to run from him. I don’t want to scream fuck off and run for the hills. I absolutely adore him. I don’t want to throw in the towel or burn the bridge like I have done my whole life. I actually love this man. I want to grow old with him. I want to hear him tell me stories about his life and his history. I want to just lay with him and listen to him breathe. I want to hear his heartbeat. I want to just occupy a room with him.

I don’t know how to break this vicious cycle that has been wired inside of me for so long. I get angry when I am hurt. I lash out in a very hurtful way too and then I want to run for the hills. I have done this my entire life. I couldn’t tell you how many bridges I have burned to the ground or how often I have self sabotaged relationships out of hurt. I have done years of therapy and that is how I am aware of this trait. I know why I do it; I just don’t know how to fix it…