Daily Archives: Saturday, August 18, 2018
I can’t breathe when you’re around
You suck the life from every room
Raging from a devil
That lives deep in your soul
I’ve tried to help you let go
I feel as though I’ve died inside
From your rage inside
For years I thought it was me
Searching for a remedy
In the mirror
A reflection I didn’t recognize
My own demise
Staring back…empty eyes
Raging hell that was planted in my soul
Now I know it was you
Found in all the clues
I’ve paid my dues
Your reflection painted with my scars
The mask…finally removed
Freedom is just ahead
The memory of you will be dead
What creeps in your soul
Will no longer have a hold
On the beauty you stole temporarily
It has been a long time since I’ve taken time to write to you. There are a lot of reasons why. School and my beautiful daughter’s took first priority in my life for a while and those things still hold first priority. I have time to write to you now.
I have a lot going on in my life right now and many changes since I last sat down at the keyboard. Some of the changes you would be very proud of, and some of the things you would be very disappointed over. I know you understood life was full of those disappointments. I’ve been reflecting on our last year we had of your last year of life the past few months, and I have had an epiphany about it.
You were a religious man and you worried about me being taken care of. You knew your death was going to devastate me in ways you couldn’t voice to me, so you tried to guide me towards someone who you thought would have taken care of me not knowing he was a wolf in sheeps clothing. You knew I was headed off the edge into the ocean with no life jacket and you were hoping a marriage at that time was going to ground me…save me from those troubled waters…too bad we have no power to see the future. You did the best you could as a worried father for his only daughter, and I did what I did as an only daughter who wanted to make her dad proud and wanted you to go into the light with peace of mind.
I corrected that mistake and left that behind. I healed from that abuse and cleaned myself up from that time of drug abuse too. Then I found myself once again trying to do what I thought was the right thing…marrying the father of my child. Doing the right thing out of obligations to my religious raisings and my loyalty to your memory. It was all wrong dad. It has all been wrong and if you were here I believe you would agree. There would be no debate. My whole life I’ve navigated myself through troubled waters of abuse and the whole time I’ve searched for who I use to be and I’ve realized in this moment as I’m writing I’ve never had a chance to know who I am ever…until now in these present moments because I am now leaving yet another abusive relationship. I am now realizing who I am. I am part you, part mum, and I am not any of the girl I have spent my whole life searching for because she spent her life in pain, running, caged, doubting herself, scared, and never knowing what she wanted or where she wanted to go.
For years I’ve also asked why me? Why was I abused so many times? Why did the men I chose hurt me in those ways? I don’t ask why anymore. I understand it now. They were lessons. I finally know who I am now. I know where I want to go. I know what I want. I know what I will accept and what I will never tolerate again. I can finally hear your voice of wisdom in my head and I’ve been listening for it for a while now and couldn’t hear it until now as I’m writing this to you. You always just wanted me taken care of because that is what a father wants for his daughter.
Dad, I am going to be fine. I am going to teach. I am going to raise my children and they’ll be independent. I am going to grow old with a good man who will respect me and help me grow spiritually. I am going to live life in the now and stop looking back. I am leaving Armin because he’s toxic. He is verbally abusive and he doesn’t take care of me like you would want or like I deserve. He has issues that I can’t fix and I no longer have the want to try. I do not love him. I realize now that I never felt real true love for him. He was a symptom of my distorted view of love, life, religious views, and loyalty to your memory. I finally found TRUE LOVE.
I am not going to live my life trying to please others anymore. I am going to live life for my children, the man I have fallen in love with and his children. I want a simple life full of peace and happiness and I will have that dad. I know now that is what you wanted for me but you felt rushed for me to have it because you were dying. I felt rushed because you were dying. There is no fault there for anyone. There is no anger and there is no more pain looking back. I know we both made the decisions we made out of a deep love and loyalty to one another. I hope you understand that my loyalty now has to be for myself, my kids, the man I love now, and his children. I can’t keep a loyalty to your memory any longer. I can only honor you by keeping my loyalty to them and myself. Keeping loyalty to your memory is not allowing me to stay true to myself, but staying true to you and it’s dishonest.
I am not you but only a part of you. It doesn’t mean I love you any less or miss you less because I love and miss you so deeply my heart aches when I take time to think on your memory. I would give anything to have one more moment, or to have one more conversation with you if I could. It is time for me to truly move on dad and that doesn’t mean I’m not carrying you with me.
It means I’m finally free and I’m finally healed from the loss of you, and I have accepted that life must move forward with you gone. It is hard to believe it took this long. It took a combination of a few things for this to happen. The end of the final bad relationship I will ever be in with Armin, meeting the most magnificent man I have ever known, having you as my dad, and God speaking to my soul to bring this about. It all had to be in its own time and united precisely in the right moment for me to get it and I GET IT dad. This isn’t goodbye but I will not need to write again.
I will carry you with me always. I love you always and I am going to fine. Until we see each other again…stay close and watch me spread my light that you helped create in me.
Love your daughter,