Monthly Archives: August 2018

Until You Explode

Whispers falling from your lips

Calming my heart with a smile

A love so bold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

Writing me promises through the distance

Planting hope where chaos once ruled

Love freely flowing

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

You show up in the moonlight’s shadow

You tell me these things are true

And you leave me sold

I’m so into you

I’m so into you

It feels like satisfaction until you explode

Found my voice again!

I’ve spent 17 years of my life married and loyal to a man that neither deserved me or respected me. I spent 19 years total with him. We are now going through a divorce because someone actually gave a real shit about me, told me to take a walk of faith away from him, so I did. It was way past time to end the abuse I had hidden away from the world. I stayed for so long for so many reasons. All of them were wrong reasons.

I stayed for the kids. I stayed out of fear about what he may do. I stayed out of my warped view of my religious views. I stayed out of my loyalty to my dad’s dead memory. I became disabled in 2005 so financially I felt trapped. All of these reasons were wrong reasons.

Over the many years my voice was silenced, my esteem lost, my goals buried, my ambition lost, my light blanketed in shadow, and even at times my will to live tested. He controlled me emotionally, financially, and he warped me into a woman I would have never wanted to be. I became an empty vessel, lonely, detached, full of doubt, and he made me feel crazy for questioning so much that went on in my life. He also made me a liar for lying about being happy when I was miserable. I told my family back home I was happy when I wasn’t. I hid the verbal abuse. I hid the neglect. I wore a mask. The worst part about it all is he made me feel responsible for it all by using my past trauma I had lived through against me to have me believe that it was me and not him. I now know it was him. It wasn’t me at all.

All the nights he spent out drinking while leaving me home raising the kids he made me believe I was wrong to be upset. I was crazy to have a voice over what upset me. I wasn’t allowed to be upset over the way he neglected me and if I voiced my feelings I got a raged filled verbal lashing that left me in tears. Over and over. Year after year. He isolated me by using narcisitic tactics that I didn’t recognize because they were subtle, and I always aimed to please him. I wanted to be a good wife. It was never enough. When he didn’t get his way he would rant and rage like a lunatic or stonewall with silence and make me feel like I was walking on egg shells wondering when the next bomb was going to drop. I began living on high alert everyday. He made me feel wrong for going out with friends. He made me feel guilty for wanting friends or a social life. He made me feel guilty and crazy for wanting to be a part of his social life.

I taught my kids how to use the potty. I taught my kids how to tie shoes. I taught my girls how to write, and I taught them how to read. I went to the WIC appointments, the doctor appointments for their vaccinations, and their first day of school. I went to the teacher conferences. I went to the plays, concerts, and I was the one who volunteered at the schools. I taught my girls how to ride their bikes. I was the one who remodeled the home we moved in. I was the one who repaired the Ford Taurus when it needed fixed. I was the one who stayed home when they were sick through the night while he laid out drunk all night. I cooked the dinners. I did the laundry and hung them on the line outside. I did these things. He didn’t. I did this for 15 years on my own. I didn’t ask for rewards and I don’t write it now for some kind of praise. I write it now because it is fact. I write it now because he wants the world to believe some made up shit he has in his narcisitic mind. He wants his image to be of this charming, loving, caring husband and father who has done wonderful things for his wife and family. He wants people to believe he is the victim. He is NOT the victim. HE IS THE TYRANT! He believes because he has done some good things or treated us good some of the time that erases all of his abuse. IT DOESN’T! He wants to rewrite our story and I refuse to let him do that. No, he is not going to do that.

Last night I finally stood up and voiced everything I had needed to say for 17 years. He tried to rewrite history, tried to use my disability against me, he tried to break me down to tears like he could do in the past, he tried to turn things around on me like he successfully did so many times in the past, but he didn’t succeed last night. I won last night because I didn’t cry. I didn’t allow him to silence me. I didn’t break down because I educated myself about what he is and the tactics he uses to abuse.

It started with our oldest daughter. He tried to take her laptop he gave her. She said no. It is her laptop and she has a right to say no. He got infuriated and started yelling fucking this and fuck that. This is when I descended from the bedroom to find out what the fuck was going on. This is when it began between him and I. He wanted her laptop for this new job he started. Well, it looks like he needs to fork out a couple hundred dollars for a laptop for this new job. I finally got to tell him everything I have kept inside for so many years.

I told him he would no longer have control because he tried to shut me up. I said, “No, you will listen! I will yell! I feel like yelling because you’re an asshole and a tyrant. It is OK for you to yell, but heaven forbid I yell because you think you are some sort of king in this house. This is my house and you’re not a king!” He tried to deny his rages of course and rewrite history, but I gave plenty of examples. I continued to tell him how he made me feel sick to my stomach when he was present. I told him that he controlled me emotionally and financially. I told him that it speaks volumes about his character to use my disability against me by throwing up in my face that he thinks I don’t contribute to the household because he suddenly has to do laundry, dishes and cook meals.

He had some balls to say I didn’t contribute to the household, so I laid it all out for him. I pointed out what I actually did and what he didn’t do over all the years ending with, “I bet you could show them where every bar is in town and teach them how to drink a beer though couldn’t you?”

I said to him, “You have some nerve and courage to sit there and try to tell me that I don’t do shit around here or I haven’t contributed to this house on the day that I received my associate’s degree in elementary education haha…you’re fucking hilarious…all the while I drove school bus while achieving that goal…and you…YOU…had the fucking sick reply to tell me that I couldn’t clean your house the way you like what made me think I could go back to school because you wanted to control me and keep me inside of your box. You thought by telling me that you could keep your thumb on me, and that I would have believed you once again. It burns your ass right now sitting there that I finished the first part of my journey. You couldn’t even congratulate me because of your narcissism.”

He tried to use the kids against me too by saying I was changing their ideals about him. That didn’t phase me one bit because I don’t tell the kids shit about him. His actions show them who he is. They are old enough to see that he is a raging tyrant and abusive to me, especially my oldest. That is on him and I made sure he heard me on that. I made sure he heard that the kids feel like idiots because it is HIM that calls them that NOT ME! I made sure he heard that they feel like losers and idiots because they don’t rinse dishes correctly or move fast enough out of having J.A.S (Junior Ankylosing Spondylitis)! He tried to use the few times I have cussed at my oldest for her back talking and I had a great reply to that too. I said to him, “I corrected my fuck up by apologizing and explaining that I shouldn’t parent like that but also explained that she shouldn’t back talk me as her parent. Do you ever tell them sorry with real empathy? No. Do you tell them they’re not idiots or losers over small acts, like missing soap on dishes? No. My loss of anger was over a real issue of back talk…YOUR RAGE WAS OVER DISH SOAP ON DISHES because you’re a tyrant!!”

When I did finally take the step to file for divorce he would attempt to use my faith to try to manipulate me. He started asking me about going to church. He was asking me if I still wanted to go to church because many months before, I had stated I wanted to find a church to attend. He thought I wasn’t aware of his manipulation tactics yet, but I had him figured out. I’m so glad it is going to be over soon.

As he was throwing up all the things he was clearly miserable about over the years I simply asked him, “Why the fuck are you fighting the divorce so badly then? Clearly you’ve been miserable as you seem to think I am lazy, and that I do not contribute to this house. Be fucking honest for once in your life.” I was laughing but I wanted the truth. His reply was, “I wanted to keep our family together.” I said, “You’re a fucking liar. You were never here. I did it all for 15 years while you avoided responsibility except you worked. So how about you be fucking honest. You didn’t want to pay child support huh?” He looked at me with this smirk he gets…I knew right there…I had been right all this time. He never loved me, and I am OK with that. He can’t love and that is sad, but I am blessed because I am leaving his emptiness behind. I got to voice what I felt to him finally. I found my voice. It felt good.

I’m transforming. It is spectacular. The two things responsible for this revolution happening inside of me. God being the first. The second is a wonderful man who blessed my life at a time I needed love the most. I love him deeply and I am his forever. I can’t thank him enough for loving me. It’s a wonderful thing being blessed in life even when you think you’re unworthy…everyone is worthy…remember that when you’re in doubt. Keep moving forward!

Raging Devil

I can’t breathe when you’re around

You suck the life from every room

Raging from a devil

That lives deep in your soul

I’ve tried to help you let go

I feel as though I’ve died inside

From your rage inside

For years I thought it was me

Searching for a remedy

In the mirror

A reflection I didn’t recognize

My own demise

Staring back…empty eyes

Raging hell that was planted in my soul

Now I know it was you

Found in all the clues

I’ve paid my dues

Your reflection painted with my scars

You’re exposed

The mask…finally removed

Freedom is just ahead

The memory of you will be dead

What creeps in your soul

Will no longer have a hold

On the beauty you stole temporarily

Dear dad, finally moving on

It has been a long time since I’ve taken time to write to you. There are a lot of reasons why. School and my beautiful daughter’s took first priority in my life for a while and those things still hold first priority. I have time to write to you now.

I have a lot going on in my life right now and many changes since I last sat down at the keyboard. Some of the changes you would be very proud of, and some of the things you would be very disappointed over. I know you understood life was full of those disappointments. I’ve been reflecting on our last year we had of your last year of life the past few months, and I have had an epiphany about it.

You were a religious man and you worried about me being taken care of. You knew your death was going to devastate me in ways you couldn’t voice to me, so you tried to guide me towards someone who you thought would have taken care of me not knowing he was a wolf in sheeps clothing. You knew I was headed off the edge into the ocean with no life jacket and you were hoping a marriage at that time was going to ground me…save me from those troubled waters…too bad we have no power to see the future. You did the best you could as a worried father for his only daughter, and I did what I did as an only daughter who wanted to make her dad proud and wanted you to go into the light with peace of mind.

I corrected that mistake and left that behind. I healed from that abuse and cleaned myself up from that time of drug abuse too. Then I found myself once again trying to do what I thought was the right thing…marrying the father of my child. Doing the right thing out of obligations to my religious raisings and my loyalty to your memory. It was all wrong dad. It has all been wrong and if you were here I believe you would agree. There would be no debate. My whole life I’ve navigated myself through troubled waters of abuse and the whole time I’ve searched for who I use to be and I’ve realized in this moment as I’m writing I’ve never had a chance to know who I am ever…until now in these present moments because I am now leaving yet another abusive relationship. I am now realizing who I am. I am part you, part mum, and I am not any of the girl I have spent my whole life searching for because she spent her life in pain, running, caged, doubting herself, scared, and never knowing what she wanted or where she wanted to go.

For years I’ve also asked why me? Why was I abused so many times? Why did the men I chose hurt me in those ways? I don’t ask why anymore. I understand it now. They were lessons. I finally know who I am now. I know where I want to go. I know what I want. I know what I will accept and what I will never tolerate again. I can finally hear your voice of wisdom in my head and I’ve been listening for it for a while now and couldn’t hear it until now as I’m writing this to you. You always just wanted me taken care of because that is what a father wants for his daughter.

Dad, I am going to be fine. I am going to teach. I am going to raise my children and they’ll be independent. I am going to grow old with a good man who will respect me and help me grow spiritually. I am going to live life in the now and stop looking back. I am leaving Armin because he’s toxic. He is verbally abusive and he doesn’t take care of me like you would want or like I deserve. He has issues that I can’t fix and I no longer have the want to try. I do not love him. I realize now that I never felt real true love for him. He was a symptom of my distorted view of love, life, religious views, and loyalty to your memory. I finally found TRUE LOVE.

I am not going to live my life trying to please others anymore. I am going to live life for my children, the man I have fallen in love with and his children. I want a simple life full of peace and happiness and I will have that dad. I know now that is what you wanted for me but you felt rushed for me to have it because you were dying. I felt rushed because you were dying. There is no fault there for anyone. There is no anger and there is no more pain looking back. I know we both made the decisions we made out of a deep love and loyalty to one another. I hope you understand that my loyalty now has to be for myself, my kids, the man I love now, and his children. I can’t keep a loyalty to your memory any longer. I can only honor you by keeping my loyalty to them and myself. Keeping loyalty to your memory is not allowing me to stay true to myself, but staying true to you and it’s dishonest.

I am not you but only a part of you. It doesn’t mean I love you any less or miss you less because I love and miss you so deeply my heart aches when I take time to think on your memory. I would give anything to have one more moment, or to have one more conversation with you if I could. It is time for me to truly move on dad and that doesn’t mean I’m not carrying you with me.

It means I’m finally free and I’m finally healed from the loss of you, and I have accepted that life must move forward with you gone. It is hard to believe it took this long. It took a combination of a few things for this to happen. The end of the final bad relationship I will ever be in with Armin, meeting the most magnificent man I have ever known, having you as my dad, and God speaking to my soul to bring this about. It all had to be in its own time and united precisely in the right moment for me to get it and I GET IT dad. This isn’t goodbye but I will not need to write again.

I will carry you with me always. I love you always and I am going to fine. Until we see each other again…stay close and watch me spread my light that you helped create in me.

Love your daughter,

Rachel Ann