Saturday Musings & A Moment of Simplicity
I’m having surgery on Tuesday, August 29th to have some lymph nodes removed from the right side of my neck in the back that showed up in March of this year. I have swollen nodes under my left arm pit as well, and they’ve been there for a while. I’ve been extremely sick for a good 8 months or so with stomach and bowel issues. Before the nodes showed up on the back of my neck I was having some serious migraines that presented with stroke like symptoms and brain tumor symptoms! Yeah, that was terrifying, and it made that semester of school a struggle. I made it through that semester, and the migraines were diagnosed as hemiplegic migraines. I take an immune suppressant that could cause lymphoma called Enbrel, and before I was put on that I took Humira for years which also has a chance of causing lymphoma. I quit smoking a year ago, in August, and that is a bit of good news I can share with you, but I’m afraid it might have been too late of a decision to make an impact on improving my health. I’ve decided to take some control over some things that I’ve been thinking about for a while, and if it turns out that I do have cancer I’ll leave with no regret, or worry for my two beautiful children. Now, let me tell you the exciting news about the new project I’ve launched, and will be posting here to chronicle for them.
The new project launched on Saturday, August 26th with each of my girls. The project will be audio diary sessions with each of them that will be recorded on every Saturday. I want to take 15-30 minutes and have one of our conversations recorded for safe keeping. I am also leaving my own audio diary messages for them separately for them to listen to. I want to leave something for them that has a piece of me. I don’t want to be a mystery to them after I’m gone. I want my advice left there for them, my humor, some favorite music, poetry, politics, and all the sides of mom they may want to look for someday when I’m gone and they may just need a piece of me for a moment in their future.
I’ve thought a lot about this for about a year now, and I’ve concluded that if I had more of my dad left for me perhaps it wouldn’t have been so devastating for me to have buried him. There are things about my dad I never knew and I will never know. That left a bigger void and it made me feel cheated. As a young lady, it pushed me into searching for him in things that were not wise. I went into dark places to hide from the reality that he was gone because I couldn’t find him anywhere when I searched for him.
Family members would tell me that I had so much of my dad in me, but I didn’t recognize it because a large part of him was a stranger to me. I was close to my dad. He was my north star, but there was so much mystery about him that it made him into this mystical creature I longed to know more about when he was gone. I was left with no way to do that. I want my kids to be able to hear my voice and get to know me even when I’m gone because you take advantage of time when your just living life day to day. You do not think to ask questions until after the fact, so I’m going to try to leave them a road map to who I truly am. With this project being left for them it will also help them know who they truly are too.
The sessions with my youngest are called Saturday Musings. The sessions with my oldest will be called A Moment of Simplicity. I’ll be putting them up as a PodCast over at MixCloud starting next week.