Monthly Archives: May 2015

I have to do what I do best…write…

I have to do what I do best…write…

My day started out great. It was beautiful. My niece back home was graduating college. She is going to teach and change the world one kid at a time…and then shortly after I received word that my oldest brother was in a very bad accident on his motorcycle. Now he is laid up in ICU with a brain bleed.

Growing up he was my favorite. I put him up on a pedestal. He was smart. He was funny. He loved music. HE PLAYED GUITAR! He was my hero. I cried when he moved out, I cried when he got married, and then I became a teenager. There are things that happened that built a wall between him and I that I regret happening but life is harsh like that. You grow up and your views change. Well mine did. I held him to such a high standard now that I look back it was unfair of me. No one could have met those standards. I didn’t realize that then so when he broke my heart by letting me down I didn’t waste any time at striking with words, words that, now looking back, probably hurt him deeply, and I do not think he ever forgot them. I wouldn’t. I didn’t.

I can’t take them back now though. Words are dangerous. Words are grenades. That instance isn’t the only one either. I have a long history with my oldest brother of speaking my mind with hurtful words without thinking about the damage they would leave. I was an emotional teenager, by emotional I really mean hot headed. My brother made mistakes. The mistakes didn’t mean I didn’t love him anymore but boy some of the things I’ve said to him over the years probably made him wonder…

So now here I am…sitting at this fucking keyboard again…with this bitter taste in my mouth and an anxious sickness in my stomach that burns my chest with anger towards myself for being a stubborn idiot who ONCE AGAIN thought there was time to make things right…or to reassure my oldest brother that I loved him in spite of his flaws or our past bad blood…

Will I ever learn?? Why is it so hard to share my feelings!?? What the fuck is wrong with me!? My brother might die tonight…why is it so easy for me to stay detached when I’m hurt and so easy to be so damn stubborn in spite of wanting so badly to talk to him? Last time I went home to visit I had to stop myself from going to see him…I didn’t go…why? I never stopped loving him. Hell it hurt me that he didn’t come see me down at my mom’s house…but why couldn’t I bring myself to just go to his place and just say Raymond I love you in spite of everything???

I’m stuck five states away while he is laid up in some cold ICU room…and really I should be there…he is my brother…I keep seeing him playing his guitar for me…taking me for a ride on the motorcycle….I keep seeing him playing basketball…I see his old blue rambler…I see him sitting on his guitar amp outside the house…I see him in his old grahams outfit…I see him in his blue graduation gown and me hanging on his neck at age 9….I don’t see the other shit…I only see my loving brother Raymond who looked out for me and who loved me…and I should be there…

I’m scared…I’m so scared my brother will die….

Take It

hekills

If it’s life you want to take away
Then I won’t live another day
I’ll give you want is dammed and cursed
And all this hell, you’ll be immersed
Feel the flames that burn my soul
Listen to the voice that never goes
Take it, I don’t want it, you love it, I hate it

If it’s tears you want to taste in vain
Then I won’t hide you from all the pain
Come drown in sorrows of the deepest well
Feel all the hate and loss in hell
Oh how sweet the agony of others
Oh so tragic that I can’t love another

I try to believe that what you said wasn’t true
I try every day to forget some part of you
But whenever I see my face in the mirror
I see your eyes so dark and clear

So here I give the key to my soul
All the pain and sorrow you could know
I’ll try to forgive my foolish heart
When the life in me I give you to tear apart
Take it, I don’t want it, you love it, I hate it

Work Of Art

workofart

I love the darkness in your mind
The devil playing in your rhyme
It soothes the despair
I bear in my soul
The void that won’t go
Your words a nebula
Around my heart
It is such a work of art