Daily Archives: Saturday, November 23, 2013

Vulnerability

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Thoughts of you

When I look at him

I feel a burden start to set in

What is going on here?
Why is this here?

Who am I anymore?

Fighting to the core

To keep my vulnerability

Not thrown out on the floor

I don’t want anyone to see

This deplorable mess of me

So I glance away

Avoid a simple touch

Being near you is all too much

but I yearn for your company

I want you near me

but the flame is dangerous

it can burn down these walls

 

You put me on the brink

of crossing a boundary set within me

I feel vulnerable…

I feel guilty…

but what a sparkle you have in your eye

I notice every time you pass by

I start to feel small

Worried every one has noticed

Like this is all plastered on a wall

I feel vulnerable…

I feel guilty…

but what a smile you seem to have on you

it brightens my blue…

every time…yes, you do…

 

I hope the one that loves you

Is loving you the right way

There isn’t anything else here

That I’m allowed to say…

Say something I’m giving up on me…

I feel so small right now in this crazy ass world we live in….I just found out beginning of this week my house was sold underneath my husband and I…and we have to be out in February…you know you can do everything right in this life and still be stepped on and crushed by your surroundings. It isn’t fair…and well this has just been one more thing put on my shoulders…the weight is astronomical…I have two children to worry about. It is my job to keep them in a stable, and healthy environment…and well I’m not doing a very good job because life is always so fucked up for me…my marriage is hanging on by threads it feels…I’m sick…I have some work stuff going on…and now I have to leave what my children have called home for damn near 7 years…it is the only home my little Kylie has ever known…what will this do to her?….

I would give anything to have just one more moment with my dad right now…oh God the weight of the world is on my shoulders again…and again…I’m alone…

I have spent this last week of my life crying by myself…and putting a brave face on for the world, for my kids…I’m exhausted and I really am at my limit here…this low might be worse then the one I was in when I got hired at my current place of employment…

I feel like I am suffocating by my surroundings….

I’m carrying guilt around too…guilt that maybe my marriage is over because I just can’t attach to my husband and stay attached with him…I still resent him for so many things…for so many years…but I have these two beautiful children who deserve the best childhood so they can grow into healthy adults…broken homes don’t always lead to those…plus there is my health…I’m feeling trapped…trapped at home…trapped at work for the first time…i can’t breath…my heart hurts…I’m so anxious…

The events going on right now are really messing with my sobriety too…I remember that feeling…completely numb…relaxed…euphoria…peace…followed by sleep….not a care in the world in the high…I wish I had a way to be there without the use of something that destroys my life…

Deep inside it feels like I’m giving up on me….I know I am remarkable…I know I am extraordinary…I have survived sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, death of the one man who ever really loved me, my best friend…my dad, an addiction, chronic pain and illness, and a disability….I came through all of those…but I am seriously exhausted…I don’t even know who I am anymore because of it…

I don’t trust people…I have this person on my mind all the time and he shouldn’t be…he can’t be…. I’m not this person…it has me questioning who the fuck is this Rachel…where did she come from…who is she….

I don’t know why all these things are happening…I know it is for a reason…I know these are tests on my character..on my faith…on my strength…and it is fucking scary this time around because I’m so damn vulnerable…I feel so weak…and I feel so small…and alone…

I’m just hoping I can hang on and wait out this crazy. I hope I can do it sober…