Monthly Archives: November 2013
I know I tell you all the time that I love you. I know I tell you that you brought light into my dark, dark world often. I mean every word. I want you to truly believe it in your heart. We were destined to be best friends. We were made for one another in ways no one else could possibly understand. My heart hurts when you hurt…and there are times I wish I had that brilliant piece of advice to give to you that would make all your worries, doubts and sadness disappear. In those moments when I have no answer know that you have my ear, my shoulder, and my heart.
I haven’t ever in my lifetime met anyone as beautiful as you…and I thank God for you every day, every night because honestly I couldn’t bare my burdens as well as I do without you around. You give me hope when I am hopeless. You give me strength when I am weak. You give me laughter when I cry. You give me direction when I am lost. You make me feel normal when I am lost in my disability. You are the only person who has been able to ground me when I want to fly the coop….you are so extraordinary. I hope you know that.
I have given you every dark secret I own and you hold them locked away…and even with all that dark history and disturbing past you still love me unconditionally. I don’t know what I have done to deserve you but I will appreciate and love you all my life.
you lend me your heart
when silence circles
as my tears fall from hurt
from my cheek to your shoulder
I know with you by my side
I’m going to be fine
You bring shelter to my secrets
Like no other…
for that I love you always
I was drowning when we met…with your heart you brought me out of the water…you complimented me…I don’t ever want to be without you Jennifer….
Love Your Best Friend
Thoughts of you
When I look at him
I feel a burden start to set in
What is going on here?
Why is this here?
Who am I anymore?
Fighting to the core
To keep my vulnerability
Not thrown out on the floor
I don’t want anyone to see
This deplorable mess of me
So I glance away
Avoid a simple touch
Being near you is all too much
but I yearn for your company
I want you near me
but the flame is dangerous
it can burn down these walls
You put me on the brink
of crossing a boundary set within me
I feel vulnerable…
I feel guilty…
but what a sparkle you have in your eye
I notice every time you pass by
I start to feel small
Worried every one has noticed
Like this is all plastered on a wall
I feel vulnerable…
I feel guilty…
but what a smile you seem to have on you
it brightens my blue…
every time…yes, you do…
I hope the one that loves you
Is loving you the right way
There isn’t anything else here
That I’m allowed to say…
I feel so small right now in this crazy ass world we live in….I just found out beginning of this week my house was sold underneath my husband and I…and we have to be out in February…you know you can do everything right in this life and still be stepped on and crushed by your surroundings. It isn’t fair…and well this has just been one more thing put on my shoulders…the weight is astronomical…I have two children to worry about. It is my job to keep them in a stable, and healthy environment…and well I’m not doing a very good job because life is always so fucked up for me…my marriage is hanging on by threads it feels…I’m sick…I have some work stuff going on…and now I have to leave what my children have called home for damn near 7 years…it is the only home my little Kylie has ever known…what will this do to her?….
I would give anything to have just one more moment with my dad right now…oh God the weight of the world is on my shoulders again…and again…I’m alone…
I have spent this last week of my life crying by myself…and putting a brave face on for the world, for my kids…I’m exhausted and I really am at my limit here…this low might be worse then the one I was in when I got hired at my current place of employment…
I feel like I am suffocating by my surroundings….
I’m carrying guilt around too…guilt that maybe my marriage is over because I just can’t attach to my husband and stay attached with him…I still resent him for so many things…for so many years…but I have these two beautiful children who deserve the best childhood so they can grow into healthy adults…broken homes don’t always lead to those…plus there is my health…I’m feeling trapped…trapped at home…trapped at work for the first time…i can’t breath…my heart hurts…I’m so anxious…
The events going on right now are really messing with my sobriety too…I remember that feeling…completely numb…relaxed…euphoria…peace…followed by sleep….not a care in the world in the high…I wish I had a way to be there without the use of something that destroys my life…
Deep inside it feels like I’m giving up on me….I know I am remarkable…I know I am extraordinary…I have survived sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, death of the one man who ever really loved me, my best friend…my dad, an addiction, chronic pain and illness, and a disability….I came through all of those…but I am seriously exhausted…I don’t even know who I am anymore because of it…
I don’t trust people…I have this person on my mind all the time and he shouldn’t be…he can’t be…. I’m not this person…it has me questioning who the fuck is this Rachel…where did she come from…who is she….
I don’t know why all these things are happening…I know it is for a reason…I know these are tests on my character..on my faith…on my strength…and it is fucking scary this time around because I’m so damn vulnerable…I feel so weak…and I feel so small…and alone…
I’m just hoping I can hang on and wait out this crazy. I hope I can do it sober…
I think I am a pretty awesome person. I care about others. I take time out to show that I care about those in my life. I try very hard not to talk down about anyone who shows even the slightest attempt in being genuine. I have always been honest. If someone upsets me I let them know but I don’t carry that with me. I may have not perfected forgiveness but I’m better at it…..I go to work everyday dealing with tarlov cyst pain, nerve root tumor pain, fibro pain, heart pain, A.S pain…and manage to not rip anyone’s face off…
So tell me why do I still have people talking down about me? Talking about me in a negative way as if I were not a likeable person? Is there something I am not seeing? Am I wrong about being this awesome person I think I am…am I really just another asshole??
I had a superior at work comment to other coworkers that when I was taken out of my bus on an ambulance with my heart situation that quote, “knowing Rachel it is just a panic attack…” and I was actually told this after it happened, “If you think back on the day I am sure you can figure out what triggered that Rachel…” in actuality I ended up having a serious heart condition called chronic AF….I was upset, I was hurt by this but I was going to be the better person and let that go….THEN this same superior tells a coworker the reason I was not liked very well when I was first hired was due to my “personality” ….
First off confidentiality should have kept my health issue private and not the talk of shop with my superior and fellow coworkers….second what gives my superior the right to tell another coworker I wasn’t liked because my personality wasn’t good enough?? I find this VERY unprofessional…and total bullshit….because now I am thinking what have I done to deserve this type of treatment?
Am I being delusional about being so well liked? Loved? Respected? What have I missed that I’ve done to put this person in a place of such harsh talk behind my back? I am seriously debating on quitting the job. I mean I don’t need the job like most. I can easily just quit and start back on disability. I don’t want to because I do love the job…I love the students I drive…but I don’t feel I deserve this type of treatment from a superior.
My boss is a wonderful boss and I have not spoken to him about this yet…not sure I am going to…I mean the guy is dealing with so much bullshit from others that I know it is overwhelming on him…it has to be! I thought about not returning over this last summer but decided to return…and now I am seriously thinking maybe I should have just not returned….
Honestly I don’t think I deserve this at all. I mean I fight everyday to get up out of bed to go to work…and I show up with a smile, coffee for those I like from time to time…I buy lunches for the ones I care about…I work hard…I don’t call in or miss work…I am polite…I just don’t get it….I just don’t get it…
I’ve been told by some of my coworkers that I’m radiant, that I am ambitious, positive, caring, and beautiful….so what have I done to the superior that she thinks she can just talk the way she is with my fellow coworkers about my health situations….or my personality??? I mean does this mean she is targeting me in hopes I do leave…and if so WHY!? What the fuck have I done besides be honest….oh that is it…
I called her out on some bullshit she tried over the radio…she can’t handle being called out on her bullshit I guess….so where does that leave me? Well I’m a peon on the ladder…she is my superior…I’m thinking it might be time to take my leave….I am seriously mulling my options right now….trying to clear my head and think about this decision logically….and NOT emotionally…this takes me a little while….first I need to decide on whether I tell my boss….
There is another low coming for me. A tidal wave of negative. So here we are again at the keyboard to spit it on a crowd. Cut it open and let it bleed. I have a lot on my mind so lets go piece by piece in putting this part of the masterpiece together. This post needs to address the biggest force that brings my lows….pain.
The third wheel of all my relationships and the heaviest weight I am forced to carry every single day of my life. Let me go over briefly what pain I am referring too so new readers are not lost. I have a nerve tumor in my back, I have a tarlov cyst in my back, I have anklyosing spondilittis or A.S, I have fibromyalgia or FM, and recently I found out I have a heart problem.
Today I woke up to my left shoulder throbbing so bad I had to cry. I am forced to sleep on my sides because sleeping on my back paralyzes me from waist down due to the tumor next to my spine. I had to wrap up in heat, put on that wonderful smelling perfume called Bio-freeze, and medicate.
The shoulder has been a bigger problem for almost a week now. My shoulders always hurt but lately it has been especially bad. It very well could be from my A.S and if that is the case there is nothing I will be able to do about it. A.S is a progressive spine arthritis but also affects shoulders, rib cage, hips, knees, feet, it can cause lung and heart problems. Even though the shoulder has been a major source of pain for me the past week I have been able to push through it and go to work.
Ah, work…the one place I feel normal. The one place I have found that I can be myself completely and I’m accepted. Not only am I accepted but I am loved by many. I am very much in love with my job. I drive a school bus for those who didn’t know. My coworkers brighten my day. Even though they know about my medical problems they look at me with eyes of normalcy. They don’t look at me with pity. I know I am blessed that the job fell into my lap when it did. My students are absolutely fabulous! They brighten my day too. I can’t help but smile when I pick them up. They are very attached to me and the feeling is mutual. I think they are all going to grow up to be outstanding individuals. When I first took the job there were many times I was ready to throw in the towel. It is very hard during the winter months for me to physically do the job, but the kids I drive around have made me feel like such an important small part of their lives that they have actually helped lower my pain threshold.
I know that if this job had not come to me I would have killed myself. I was at the lowest point in my life when I was hired. I was pushing 200 pounds. I had been disabled and stuck at home since 2005. I lost all but two of my friends because I could no longer go out. I was being treated poorly by my husband. I had no support at all. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep. I spent most of my days orchestrating an easy way to leave my children, by me killing myself. I wrote letters saying good bye to those who truly meant the world to me. I wrote letters of apology to those who I have hurt throughout my life. It was a scary low. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt helplessness. I NEVER want to be back there again. When I say my job saved my life…I mean it literally.
I met my best friend at this job. I am so in love with her as a person that I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it now. She is my angel…and she is now my family. I love her very much.
Now getting up to start my day is truly a war for me. I have to fight through the stiffness to get out of bed. I have to fight through pain in my feet to walk into the bathroom. I have to cringe through the shoulder, back and hand pain to turn on the faucet to the shower. I have to cringe through the pain of stepping over into the tub to take my shower. I struggle reaching the body soaps, shampoo, and hope I can get them opened easily. Most mornings it isn’t so easy even with them strategically placed, which they are. A 30 minute super hot shower usually helps with the stiffness for about 20 minutes. By super hot, I mean hot enough to turn my flesh pink with a hint of red. I fight with pulling the shirt over my head, the jeans are causing excruciating pain as I bend to put my feet into them. The button and zipper are a nightmare for my hands.
So 20 minutes of relief has long passed and I have brushed my teeth but now have to combat the lower cabinet to bring out my make up case, hair dryer, and hope my hands will allow me to open my hair products and body sprays. I slowly walk to the kitchen to attempt to get my coffee mug ready. My daughter has already set up coffee pot because I have a hard time setting it up. The water is too heavy for my hands, the coffee is difficult to open, and my mug is set there with lid removed because well I can hardly remove it myself. Depressed yet? At this point in my morning I am not…yet….
I sit to do some heat therapy now in my recliner. The easiest chair for me to get out of. I wrap my back with heat, then wrap my neck and shoulder area. Ah another few moments of relief…..
I carry my coffee mug into the bathroom with both hands to prevent dropping it to continue getting ready. I take my medication with some coffee and have to fix my hair now. Raising my arms above my head feels like I am trying to lift 100 pound dumbbells over my head. The burning muscles begin from neck, down into my shoulders, radiating down my entire arm length in both. Depressed yet? …I am…at this point in my day I am starting to feel very low…
I got my hair done, ear rings in, make up is on finally, and now another battle to fight. My socks and shoes! I sit down because I can’t bend over to put them on like I could 15 years ago. What use to take less than 2 minutes…now takes 10 or so to complete. Another battle I’ve won…only to have a staircase to contend with.
My feet are killing me more with each step. Holding onto the rail going one step at a time with the crackling sound of my knees and pain from knee into my shin with each step slowing me down in this mission to get to work, I fight on. At the bottom of the steps I have a few more battles to get through…in the winter, even more with snow pants, and hat etc. The few I have now before winter gets here is my purse, coat, the door, and the car. The coat is the easiest battle. I have to cringe through more pain in the shoulders to get it on along with burning in my arms, and neck. OK battle won! Coat is on and now I just have to put my purse on one of my painful shoulders, grab my keys and turn that door knob to get into the garage to the car. The door knob is NOT going to win. I bite on my lip as my hand wraps the knob to turn it. My fingers are aching so bad I want to just let loose but I don’t. I HAVE to get to my car.
YES! I got the door open and was able to close it. Battle won! I start feeling accomplished at this point in my day…just briefly though…I walk around the car and realize this is the toughest thing I do at this point in my day….this battle reminds me everyday just how sick I am…getting into my car.
I fight to get the car door opened. SUCCESS! Now toss my purse hard enough to land in the passenger seat because bending over the driver seat to place it is not an option for me anymore and opening two car doors is not an option anymore either just for a purse. By this time I am breathing hard…feeling my heart starting to race and my entire body hurts. Now I have to get in…thankful I have a Jeep now so at least I don’t have to bend lower to get in though the Jeep is difficult too. Ah, bending to sit at the steering wheel I can feel the tarlov cyst pressing against the tumor…I can feel the tumor starting to pulsate from being pushed by the tarlov cyst….now I start to pray….dear God let my medication kick in and please be with me Lord in my pain…help me stay positive, happy, and not angry over these trials…please help me get to work safely so I can be a positive part of the kids day…help me be a positive force in my coworkers day…most of all Lord help me with my addiction, please help me stay sober today, and thank you for all you do for me…amen. ((I am a recovering opiate addict))
Yeah that is a normal morning for me….and I haven’t even covered the parts when I actually get to work. It is so exhausting. It is very hard not to roll over and just give up…it exhausts me so much…it has changed me forever…in some ways it has been wonderful change…but other ways it has been a scary secret of wanting to die, thoughts of ramming my car into buildings, thoughts of jumping off bridges, thoughts of stepping out in front of a driver….a loneliness that makes me want to just climb inside myself and disappear from the public and family…a scary shadow following me daily urging me to find some opium…or oxycotin…begging me to find it so I can feel good for just one day…a whisper in my ear telling me one day won’t hurt…two won’t hurt…come on….someone has to have them….just ask…a whisper reminding me just how good it felt when I was high on it…a craving in my gut for that euphoric feeling that opiates give you…
The low is creeping in…as it normally does…and it has me sitting at the keyboard once again…exposing my scars…my flaws for all to see…for all to use if they choose too…you are a witness to…me being painted blue…by this strange thing we call life….a masterpiece in the making.