Loyalty, the silent killer…

Sometimes I wish I could just throw my loyalty out the door. What is it about me that makes me so damn loyal even when it makes me miserable at times? This is what I am trying to figure out…

I am not IN love. I do love him. I am in love with my children. I promised to put time in with therapy and try to see if we could salvage what we once had…every day that passes makes me lean more and more towards it will never be the same…I will never love him as I did before this past year. The things he said to me turned me to ice. I have never returned to anyone emotionally after I’ve been pushed to the point of ice. I mean when I hit my rock bottom of depression over being disabled, living in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week things between him and I changed permanently. At my rock bottom was the start of us being over. I hate to say it is all his fault but it really is…I have never cheated on him, never stayed out all night to make him wonder, I have never hung out at bars, never hung out with friends over him…I have been selfless for 12 years I have been with him. I always put him before me, and my kids before me. Along the way no one put me first of course…so when I hit rock bottom I realized I had to change my life. Instead of my first initial thought being leave my family I thought school would be a great change. It was the moment he replied to me when I mentioned this that killed my heart. “You can’t even clean my house the way I like, what makes you think you can go back to school?” I hear him saying that over and over…I still can’t believe he said that. He has said other things over the years too that are just hurtful and really emotional abuse but it was that comment that shut me down completely. I honestly don’t think I will ever get over that.

When I look at him even today I know I just do not feel the way I should. I am still angry over it. Angry at him for being such a selfish asshole, angry at him for taking advantage of my loving heart all the years I put up with his shit, angry at myself that I didn’t leave before I had my children, angry that now I have children I decide to stay out of loyalty to them. It is better they have a whole family instead of one broken apart. I count down years right now.

I know some think that might be wrong of me. Some say I should leave and find my happiness…well it isn’t about me…it hasn’t been about me since March 13^th, 2001. Some say it is wrong to stay if I am not in love anymore…is it? I don’t think so because I am hoping that one day I fall back in love with the guy I first met…I know it is unlikely but I like to hope.

I know he knows things are not the same. He tells me all the time he feels distance between us…well I am not sure how to fix that or if I even want to. He is untrustworthy in my eyes. I don’t confide in him…I don’t really try to talk to him…I like it better that way. We coexist right now and it has been this way for a year. How long can this go on you ask? I don’t know…I hope it will peacefully continue for 11 years. My children will be raised and my time will be done at that time.

I know you wonder why would I wait til after 40 to move on. Well because my life is not about love of another man, or any man. When I had my children it became a life about their happiness. It became my job to grow them into good adults. Give them every chance I could to grow into responsible, stable, good functioning adults. When that job is done THEN I will take a step out to find what is out there for me. Crazy you think? Maybe…but my conscious will rest easy knowing I was a faithful wife, a dedicated mother, who put her happiness aside to assure her children were first in everything.

I just can’t split my family up…I just can’t go out and be with another man…I have responsibility to my children. I love them more then anything in this world and I know staying might kill me inside but it will help keep them whole inside…and they are what matters right now.

No one can ever question my loyalty. When I say you have my loyalty you do…and in some cases you have it even when it kills me silently….