Monthly Archives: September 2013

A heart condition has arrived…

brokenheart

 

So Tuesday, September 24th I had to be taken off my bus in an ambulance. I thought I was having a heart attack. At first I thought it was an anxiety attack. What I have found out is my heart actually stops beating two beats per minute and when it jump starts back up on the third beat it starts in the 200 beats per minute range and rises, this is known as atrial fibrillation. 300 beats per minute is stroke area. Had my coworker in dispatch not called 911 for me I would have either stroked out, or had a massive heart attack. Yeah pretty scary stuff.

I went in yesterday to get a holster monitor on to record my hearts actions. I was put on a beta blocker to help slow the heart when it jump starts so I do not stroke out. It still hurts, and it still races but not at stroke limit. I am hoping I can just be medicated to fix this problem. My boss informed me that if I have a pace maker put in that I can not hold a CDL. I love my job. I don’t want to have to leave my job. I have met some very wonderful people there and the job saved my life.

When I first applied at PC I was at the lowest point in my life. I was ready to leave my husband, and take my own life. I had been disabled for 8 years prior and it had taken its toll on me. I was so thankful to PC that they gave me a chance. If I have to leave my job I am not sure how I will handle that.

Right now I am trying real hard to stay positive. I’m trying not to panic at the thought of having a serious heart condition that can’t easily be fixed. I still smile and try to keep my happy demeanor but deep inside I am terrified.

It was hell to adjust to being this disabled woman at 28…how will I adjust to a woman with a serious heart problem at 35? I’m suppose to start school in a few weeks to work on getting my bachelors in early childhood education. How am I going to do that if I have a bad heart? Should I put it off? I have all these things on my mind.

This will be my second brush with death in one year. The first was my car accident where I rolled my Ford Taurus and had to be cut out. I believe in signs. I wonder if this is a sign for me too. I’m not sure what it is trying to say however…

I’ve been through so much my entire life…I really have come a long way…and a part of me is very angry that this heart thing has shown up…I mean how much more am I going to have to go through…til it is time for me to have true continuing peace?

I was sexually abused as a child, I grew up with a schizophrenic mother, my first husband was abusive, I am a recovering opiate addict, I have been disabled since age 28, and I survived a roll over car accident.

I have overcome all of these things only to find myself faced with having a bad heart. I know that it is very possible my past drug usage and abuse might have brought on this heart condition. Not to mention I was a smoker for over 20 years…but when am I going to get a break?

Everyone around me tells me I am a pillar of strength and I amaze them. I feel real good about that. I have always wanted to change the world…I have always wanted to be someone important enough to save or change lives. I wanted to be the person that brightens others days by simply being me. I just don’t know how I am going to deal with a major heart problem if that is the case.

I worry this will be my tipping point. I am afraid this might be the straw that broke the camels back. Facing this heart situation has made me think about all the things I’ve done throughout my life that probably brought me to this point. It also has me thinking about how much more I want to do. I’m not finished. I’m not even close and a heart condition probably cuts off more of my time to do the things I want.

I know life isn’t always fair and bad shit happens to good people. I just wish I would be given a break. I am having a harder time each day enjoying what I should be enjoying. I’m tired all the time, hurt all over everyday, out of breath most of the time, and my heart hurts when it races. God what is your plan for me? What are you trying to move me towards or away? I need your help here…and I’m begging you to not put anymore on me because God I have no more strength. My endurance is gone.

I have been clean since 2006. I don’t drink but maybe twice a year. I don’t steal. I am a good mom to my girls. I am a faithful wife. I am a loyal friend. I am an honest person. I have asked forgiveness for my past sins against others. I help the less fortunate. I try to be a positive role model for those who surround me. I don’t know what else to do in order to have you give me a break. But tonight Lord I am asking you please….give me a break or this will break me.

Sick Of It All (**language warning**)

sickofitall

 

 

Sick and tired all the time

Oh how I wish I could rewind

Or fast forward this show

give me somewhere to go…

where my heart is free

where my soul can sing

where I matter in the world

Here, it’s so cold

It numbs me whole

Making me the fool

trying to keep my cool

using me like a tool

life is so cruel

and I’m fucking sick of it.

I want to cut my vein

bring on the end

but loyalty keeps me in

like being bedridden with sin

Is this really who I was supposed to be?

A lonely soul

Living in pain everyday

What price must I pay?

This is all fucked up…

I no longer want to play…

this part of suffering

with loneliness that could shatter worlds

pushing me to look for salvation

in things that only kill the soul

a bottle of booze

a bottle of pills…

fighting everyday to be someone new

Why have I been forsaken?

in all the good I try to do…

It’s not good enough for you?

I’m not alone…but I’m alone

and I’m fucking sick of it…

for my children I will carry on

an empty vessel at sea

pretending to feel free

but being confined by pain

I’ve been forsaken

For reasons I don’t see

I fight the urge to go…

even though

I’m fucking sick of it all…

Loyalty, the silent killer…

Sometimes I wish I could just throw my loyalty out the door. What is it about me that makes me so damn loyal even when it makes me miserable at times? This is what I am trying to figure out…

I am not IN love. I do love him. I am in love with my children. I promised to put time in with therapy and try to see if we could salvage what we once had…every day that passes makes me lean more and more towards it will never be the same…I will never love him as I did before this past year. The things he said to me turned me to ice. I have never returned to anyone emotionally after I’ve been pushed to the point of ice. I mean when I hit my rock bottom of depression over being disabled, living in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week things between him and I changed permanently. At my rock bottom was the start of us being over. I hate to say it is all his fault but it really is…I have never cheated on him, never stayed out all night to make him wonder, I have never hung out at bars, never hung out with friends over him…I have been selfless for 12 years I have been with him. I always put him before me, and my kids before me. Along the way no one put me first of course…so when I hit rock bottom I realized I had to change my life. Instead of my first initial thought being leave my family I thought school would be a great change. It was the moment he replied to me when I mentioned this that killed my heart. “You can’t even clean my house the way I like, what makes you think you can go back to school?” I hear him saying that over and over…I still can’t believe he said that. He has said other things over the years too that are just hurtful and really emotional abuse but it was that comment that shut me down completely. I honestly don’t think I will ever get over that.

When I look at him even today I know I just do not feel the way I should. I am still angry over it. Angry at him for being such a selfish asshole, angry at him for taking advantage of my loving heart all the years I put up with his shit, angry at myself that I didn’t leave before I had my children, angry that now I have children I decide to stay out of loyalty to them. It is better they have a whole family instead of one broken apart. I count down years right now.

I know some think that might be wrong of me. Some say I should leave and find my happiness…well it isn’t about me…it hasn’t been about me since March 13th, 2001. Some say it is wrong to stay if I am not in love anymore…is it? I don’t think so because I am hoping that one day I fall back in love with the guy I first met…I know it is unlikely but I like to hope.

I know he knows things are not the same. He tells me all the time he feels distance between us…well I am not sure how to fix that or if I even want to. He is untrustworthy in my eyes. I don’t confide in him…I don’t really try to talk to him…I like it better that way. We coexist right now and it has been this way for a year. How long can this go on you ask? I don’t know…I hope it will peacefully continue for 11 years. My children will be raised and my time will be done at that time.

I know you wonder why would I wait til after 40 to move on. Well because my life is not about love of another man, or any man. When I had my children it became a life about their happiness. It became my job to grow them into good adults. Give them every chance I could to grow into responsible, stable, good functioning adults. When that job is done THEN I will take a step out to find what is out there for me. Crazy you think? Maybe…but my conscious will rest easy knowing I was a faithful wife, a dedicated mother, who put her happiness aside to assure her children were first in everything.

I just can’t split my family up…I just can’t go out and be with another man…I have responsibility to my children. I love them more then anything in this world and I know staying might kill me inside but it will help keep them whole inside…and they are what matters right now.

No one can ever question my loyalty. When I say you have my loyalty you do…and in some cases you have it even when it kills me silently….

For the love of…

brokenheartnow

I have been going to counseling now for about six months or so with my husband. The main reason for going was my marriage was over, or so I thought it was. Maybe it still is…this is what we are trying to figure out in therapy. We were in crisis mode when we decided to go. I had fallen out of love with my husband who I have been with for fourteen years.

It was not just one thing he had done to me that brought us to that point. It was years of neglect and many stupid things he has done, and things he said that built up and brought us to that crossroad. Through the years I tried to explain to him, I tried to show him, I tried to convince him, hell I even asked him to go to couple counseling with me. It took me to tell him I wanted a divorce to finally shock him into going to counseling. I was not impressed. I had been so detached and neglected I did not want to try counseling at this point. My thought was, “oh, NOW, you want to try counseling, what about last year when I asked?” When I mentioned therapy for us the previous year I told him I was feeling very insecure in our relationship and asked him to go. His reply to me at that time was, “You do need therapy, you are crazy not me.” So you can imagine how I felt with him, now ,after telling him I wanted a divorce, he was willing to try this counseling thing.

The first month I was not impressed. It took a long time to bring down the wall I had built. It took a long time to attempt to replace anger with something healthier. I still find myself detached from him quite a bit. Honestly I am not sure where our future is leading us…I agreed to do a year of therapy with the counselor because she said it would probably take that long to get us where we should be. So I plan on keeping my word because that is what I do. I am loyal.

I’m not fighting the therapy like I was in the beginning. I am letting it sink in and I am taking the advice on how to get back on track. I am doing this because I have seen my husband trying to make things better. He has realized many things through therapy…though I think he has a lot more to learn…I will try to be patient in this journey.

A huge part of me is scared that I will never feel attached to him like I was just a few years ago. I love him but I still have doubts about being “in love” with him. I have tried to find the main trigger that creates this detachment in me. I have figured out that it is the past crap he’s done, said and the years of neglect that remind me he is untrustworthy. I am not exactly sure how to get over that. I am not certain he is doing anything to remind me of that or if he is doing things that subconsciously remind me. That will be my next session with therapist.

I understand that love grows to different stages. I understand that the newly wed love stage will most likely not return for us but I know passion could if we could just stay attached. The problem with that is I can’t seem to stay attached to him and I am not 100% sure I truly want to. He is indeed untrustworthy to me. I mean he has said things to me that are awful. Was he lying when he said those things? He doesn’t believe those things now because why? Because I was actually leaving this time. See what I mean?

I am not claiming I’m perfect here. I know I’ve called him an asshole over the years. I have told him to fuck off more then I can count. I will tell you though I have NEVER said something so harsh and hurtful to him like he has done to me. This is where we still have serious problems…

I can’t forget the times he has told me I am crazy. I can not forget his reply when I wanted to go back to school was, “you can’t even clean my house the way I like what makes you think you can go back to school”, yeah, that was my breaking point. It was shortly after that I finally just said I wanted a divorce.

That was around March of 2012. It all came together right before I got hired at my current job.

I have noticed lately he is more likely to slump back into old habits. When he starts to do that I immediately detach. When I say detach, I don’t mean minor isolation, I mean detach as in putting myself on an island with no way onto that bad boy. It is very hard for me to reattach too. I understand I detach so much because it was many, many years of neglect, abusive spoken words, and snipping away at the trust. I am not sure we’ll figure this out but I am willing to finish out trying to do so.

I am not happy with him like I think I should be. I am not even sure I ever will be again…I do love him a great deal. He is a wonderful father. He isn’t a bad person. We have had many great memories. I wouldn’t wish anything bad on him either. But, I use to look forward to talking with him, going places with him, I use to respect his opinion…these days I still don’t give a shit either way…I try to give a shit but deep down I don’t most of the time…a huge part of me feels guilty for those feelings but I just don’t know what to do…will that change with continued therapy? I don’t know…stay tuned.