Monthly Archives: July 2013

Out Of Control Ride

Lonely---Click

 

It gets harder everyday

Praying to outlast the loneliness

Praying to make better choices

Trying not to drown

the voice

inside my head

being held hostage with memories

of loss and pain

the soul forsaken

in the darkness

of wanting forgiveness

everything that was taken from me

feel sick like I’m stuck out at sea

the world is oblivious

to what whirls inside

the war that wages on

does anyone really care

what others bear

what scars they hide

out of control ride

hopelessly wandering

looking for a home

somewhere to belong

loneliness everlasting sting

the hold on the heart

tearing it apart

ripping it from inside

pain seeping slowly

through the veins

of the wicked

of the lost

just searching for a cure

to fit in

wanting to be loved

unconditionally

by the world around them

they know they are alone

no one could know

the pain they seek to hide

out of control ride

does anyone really care

what we bear

the scars on our hearts

the tears drowning our souls

with no where to go…

can anybody really know?

My Life In Puzzle Pieces -Jessica Hamm Wert

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

cousins

Jessica Hamm Wert

Jessica is one of my closest family members. I have always thought of her as a sister, and I always will! There isn’t a memory growing up that doesn’t include her. I love her more then anyone could possibly know.

We did everything together our whole lives growing up. Her mom is the closest aunt I have. Jessica is one in my family who knows every dirty secret I have. She is one of the most trusted family members I have. I would do anything in my power for her.

We fought like sisters, we made up like sisters, we grew like sisters and I will die continuing to call her my sister.

When I left Ohio at age nineteen we lost touch a little. I went to clean myself up and find a better way to be me. Through the years I’ve missed not being there in town with her. I have missed not being around to see her beautiful children grow. I have missed not being there for a support system to her but she has always understood that my hometown is not a place for me. She knows as well as I do that if I lived there again I’d be right back on drugs and most likely would have been dead by now.

I get homesick from time to time and she is one reason I do. I know though I can’t go back there…it would be a bad outcome for me. I’d rather love her in a distant then be close to her and be the addict I was for so long. I am not proud of that but she understands it.

We are connected with social media. Hell she was one of the few who I opened a facebook account for. I wanted to be connected to her so I wouldn’t be missing out on so much in her life.

We danced for hours on weekends. We skated at the local rink on weekends. We obsessed over Guns N Roses together. Every memory I have of her in my life is cherished…even the fights we have had. She truly is a blessing in my life.

She was there in the worst of times I’ve had, and she has been there for some of the best of times I’ve had. I cherish her like no other and that will never change. Jess thank you for being a cousin, a best friend and a sister to me. I will love you forever.

She is one of the most caring, giving people I know in my life and if you are lucky enough to have her in your life don’t hurt her because I will break your face. 

My Life In Puzzle Pieces -James Allwardt

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

friends

James Alltwardt

I have known James for a long time. His smile caught my interest in school. My favorite class in high school was speech class which we had together. He helped it be a blast for me. He is a special kind of guy. He has one of the biggest hearts one could have. He was always so sweet in school. I think he is just as sweet now as he was back then.

Years after I had left Ohio I was going through some old papers, and pictures I had from school and found a letter I had written to him but never gave him. Apparently we dated for like a week though I didn’t remember this until I read the letter I wrote. We never even kissed according to my letter I had written then. Now that I look back on that letter I wish I would have kept it instead of trashing it. It would have been a nice thing to share with him as an adult. Embarrass myself real good it would have. Haha

The letter was basically telling him he was too good for me and that I was too messed up of a girl to allow him to waste time on me. I ended the letter with love Rachel I will always remember your smile….and I did.

I had mentioned this to him as well, and he didn’t remember either so I didn’t feel as bad with not remembering myself. The one thing I hate most about growing older…the things you forget over time. I wonder what else I might not be remembering about James and my connection back then. All I know is I’m glad we have friendship today.

He still has that great smile I loved in our school days. We are connected with social media and I’m thankful he is my friend. He has grown into a fine man and he is a great friend. Thank you James for the memories and the friendship. You will forever be cherished by me.

My Life In Puzzle Pieces -Tonya Tackett

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

friendship

Tonya Tackett

I met Tonya in middle school. We had lots of classes together. Even though we did not hang out with each other outside of school I always respected her for being real, caring, and unlike other girls I didn’t like in my school days. She never acted better then others. That was a quality I respected most because I was one girl who didn’t have much of shit growing up and that is really why I kept so many school friends at school and not outside school. Very few were invited to my childhood home. Mostly because I had a schizo crazy mom.

Tonya made me laugh a lot in school. I think that she is a remarkable woman. We are connected now through social media and I’m very honored we are. One day I will visit my hometown and hope to have lunch with her. If you have her in your corner then you are lucky. I’m thankful for her. She has shown me such support for me through social media. She is another friend that accepts me for me. I love her for that. Tonya thank you for being my friend. You will be cherished forever by me.

My Life In Puzzle Pieces -Ed Vicheck

My Life In Puzzle Pieces

politicalfriend

Ed Vicheck

I was working in a dead end corporate job. I was becoming frustrated by the things that were happening in the world when I met Ed. It was a few years after September 11, 2001. I had this strong urge to congregate with like minded people that I couldn’t seem to find in my local area. This brought me to the yahoo chat rooms. Political chat was where I ended up. I was at another point in my life where I was changing on a very deep level. I was starting to question George W. Bush and his intentions on Iraq war. I was researching his family history. I became obsessed with information in the political realm. I realized during this time I had to get involved, be involved and get others involved if I had hoped to change any of it. I voted for the first time when Gore ran against Bush. Ed was a refreshing voice then and now. He knew what I was feeling, what I was searching for, and what I wanted to fight for. He became one of my best friends in that chat room setting.

Ed became such a good friend that we teamed up via internet and created blogs entries we wrote together. We wrote about the RFID chips tracking. We wrote about Blackwater and private armies. We done stories on the legitimate questions surrounding September 11, 2001. We were an awesome team.

It was 2005 and the year I had become disabled. I had back surgery and diagnosed with my tumor and tarlov cyst. It was devastating for me. I went from a hard working, social butterfly to a woman stuck inside with no outlets. I couldn’t walk, drive, or work. During this period in my life I spent more and more time in the chat rooms. Ed was one of the few who showed me compassion and support after being disabled. We spent many hours discussing the woes of the world, the political system, and spent hours trying to come up with solutions to these things.

I only kept three friends from those political chat rooms in my personal day to day life. He is one of them. He knows the real me and has for quite a while now. I trusted him enough to allow him to know more then my chat room persona.

I am thankful for Ed and his friendship. I think that he played a part in me keeping my sanity when I became disabled in 2005. Thank you Ed for your wonderful friendship. I will be forever grateful for you.