I’m All Mixed Up
I have so much going through my mind lately. I’m all mixed up. I’m not completely happy in my life…been trying to work that out and figure out what will be my next step. It went as far as me looking for an apartment…I even found one…I decided not to take that step just yet. I have been with him for almost 14 years and I have two beautiful children by him. I have always loved him…and I think the realization came to me that I have loved him more than myself all these years. I woke up one day and finally believed I deserve better.
I’m not a possession. I don’t belong to anyone. I have to feel free to be truly happy. I can’t feel caged up, locked away, or controlled in any way…it makes me cold as ice and I shut down. I’m still numb quite a bit when it comes to him. I’m trying to thaw my heart…not sure if it will again or not. It is a slow process…
I need someone to be my best friend to stay my lover. I don’t want them to be like my dad, sibling, or some boss of mine. You can’t control me…no one has been successful in that attempt. Usually I take off and never look back but in this situation I have two daughters. They deserve for me to try ONE more time. It isn’t that I don’t love him…I do love him, I have always loved him…I think I’ve loved him too much and I realized that doing that is toxic to my own happiness. The love I feel isn’t the same now though…it is hard to explain…I am detached and very guarded. I hate having to rebel but that is what option I was left with in order to stay true to who I am.
For years I was pretending to be someone I’m not. Eventually it got to me. Damn near drove me nuts actually…I am starting to get back to who I am and I every day I am happier for that. I’m not completely there yet but working on it.
When I became disabled in 2005 I lost a large part of who I was and I let him shape me over the years into something I did not recognize. It isn’t completely his fault…I let him shape me little by little. I took the easy road…easier to conform then stand up to fight over it. I’m still like that a whole lot but the difference is I don’t give a shit about his opinion anymore. I do what I want without thinking about his feelings. I have the mindset now that I don’t need ANYONE’s approval but my own. I never needed anyone’s approval before so why I was looking for it well…that is a mystery. I think when I became disabled that really put a wrench into the way I thought about things.
So much uncertainty in my life these days and it has been that way my whole life. I figure I owe it to my daughters to try my best to push through and hold onto to our family. We’ll see if I can do this…I love my daughters enough to try my hardest…