It’s just me again. January 1, and alone, here at the keys… Wishing you was here. I wish that everyday. So much has happened. So much to endure… Mom is not so good right now, even though she sounds herself. You had wisdom when it came to loving her. You had a way to take care of things and make it all right. Sometimes I just cry at night. Trying to find you in the wind, or the stars. My heart still aches even after all these years. Sometimes I think it might have been better if we had not been so close. Maybe if you had not loved me I could have let you go without solace. Then I realize that without the pain of your loss I would not feel alive. Without the memories of you I would be much less of a woman then I am now.
I’ve had to let go of so many loved ones. I try hard to think of what you’d say. Something wise to wash away, the hurt and the burden on my heart. I wish we didn’t have to be apart. Curt has joined you now. That was hard news to hear. It was hard to see him to the other side. Memories flood my mind daily. My loss is not only you, but you are the only one I wish to ask for help. Some understanding, some reasons why, some closure to all the loss. What is the point of this life dad?
Deep inside under this facade I am lonely. It is loneliness I’ve never known and it grows as time passes by. The more I love the more I must say good-bye to. I don’t know what to do with this loneliness except write it out. Shout to the heavens with words of rhyme that soon will be my time, my time to heal; my time to understand it all. Understand it all in this crazy messed up world where we live life. Where we occupy ourselves with miniscule tasks to get through. Where we work and strive for a life of material things. Where we pace ourselves so fast that we seem to lose sight of the very thing knocking at our door. Death. Where someone somewhere takes for granted a quiet time with a loved one…
So many times I took for granted when you were here. So many times I should have just stayed to talk more…instead of rushing out the door to skate, to watch a movie, or to hang out with friends. I guess that regret is a part of the loneliness I’ve felt. Maybe I will never get rid of it as long as I live.
I’m not afraid of joining you one-day dad. I know things are golden on the other side. I worry about what I will leave behind. Will the same loneliness that fills me, fill those left behind when I go? What can I do to change that outcome? What can I say to make that not hang heavy on the hearts of those I leave?
Some die young. Some don’t even get to experience high school dad…
Some die when things don’t seem finished…you were 50 years old with a boy left to raise for five more years….
Some live until they are eighty…
What is the rhyme and reason to this dad? Why do some get cheated? I have to have an answer to this…where can I find it? People tell me well it’s God’s will.
What IS THAT exactly? How can he freely cheat those who deserve more time? People tell me it isn’t punishment on anyone left behind…
Well it certainly FEELS THAT WAY! Twisted inside with the loneliness is an anger that never diminishes. I’m angry that the ones I seem to love are being cheated out of time. It just doesn’t make any sense to me dad…
Perhaps there is never enough time with those you truly love…I think that is what you would tell me. Even if you had lived to age eighty my loss would have been just as great as it is now. You see when I am here at these keys…you are here with me, and I can work stuff out inside my boggled mind. The loneliness isn’t so great, and the anger always fades. Man I just wish I could hear your voice, and see your face. I wish I could hear you yell at me, talk with me, or just sit silent with me.
I loved you so much. Did you know that? I wish I knew for certain that you did dad. My heart is so heavy with the memory and loss of you that sometimes I think my heart will explode from the ache I feel when I think upon your memory. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to hold it all together? It gets harder as time passes by. 2010 just ended and it hurt to ring in 2011…because it was yet another year I would live on without you. I would have to live one more year without Eve…one more year without my father n law…another year will pass that I will have lived through missing Curt…and another year that I will probably have to say good-bye to another loved one.
Survival = One day at a time…I know dad. It adds up to survival. I remember you saying that. 2011 is finally here…I wish you could be here to experience what it holds. I’ll carry you on as I have done all these years.
Love your mourning daughter,