Now you want in my life? Why?
I wanted you to care long ago but YOU refused. You made me feel small so many times over the years. Now you want to enter my life again when I let you go long ago. I was forced at your hand and actions to LET YOU GO, it ripped at my heart but I did it. I survived it even as lonely as it started out I SURVIVED. Now you want to know how I am and be my friend? WHY? What is your hidden agenda here? Am I supposed to believe you are being genuine now after all these years of being a snob to my feelings and me?
My life was so chaotic with you entwined in it that I had no other choice when you shunned me but to cut you loose. I needed a quiet mind. I found a quiet mind. Now you show up at my feet wanting me to accept you back into my life…contemplating this decision is agony because you were like my sister I thought so long ago. You ended up being just another family member I had to let go of. I started to think of myself better then the treatment I received and the love I really was lacking from you. The closeness I tried to hold for so long yet it was always one sided wasn’t it? Yes it was and when I finally realized that I knew it was time to cut you loose.
Why couldn’t you just let me go as well? Why do you need to become part of my life again? What is the motive here? You are not a trustworthy person in my eyes any longer…you hurt me and forced me to let you go…
A huge part of me wants to accept you back but I know I’ll only be burned. It has been that way since the beginning of us my dear and you know it if you are honest enough with yourself. There was a time I was kicked so badly when I was down…some of the kicks came from you…you shunned me at a time in my life I NEEDED you. I even tried to encourage you to be in my life after that…still I was trying to force something you did not share feeling with…if you had I would have not been forced to cut you loose when I did. Why couldn’t you love me then? Why couldn’t you have just been there for me then? Why didn’t you wonder and worry about me then? WHY NOW!?
I think of you often…I wonder how you are doing. I wish you all the happiness and wellness in the world even though I cut you out of my life. The hurt you have caused however is unforgettable and the scars show every time in my eyes when I do think of you. When I wish I had that sister to talk too it shows in the tears that run down my cheeks because you didn’t want me, you didn’t love me unconditionally like family is supposed to do…
Now I have to grieve the loss of you all over because you stepped up to want to be in my life again for a reason I can’t seem to see…why do you play these games with my heart and loyalty? Why must you hurt me the way that you do? Why couldn’t you just let go of me like I done you?
Oh how I’ve longed for the relationship with you…oh how I’ve needed it over the years of my pain, loss, hurt, and trials. You were not there ever. I did nothing to deserve the treatment…I never deserved to be ignored and hurt the way you done…I don’t deserve it now and I know this now. I am worth more then that dear…I am worth more then being your lap dog to kick while I’m down to make yourself feel better about your own life.
I’m afraid I will deny your access even though I want to hug you and take you back into my life…I would be a fool to listen to my heart this time…NO I will listen to the logic in my brain and words my dad spoke all the time…”Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me, it should never be a third time.” I love you. I always will love you and the memories I have of the two of us I will always cherish…I have to go on without you I believe. No matter how bitter this decision might make you just know it is not made out of hate for you. I could NEVER hate you.
Posted on Sunday, March 14, 2010, in family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, thoughts and tagged family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.