Dear whoever cares…
I have had a few rough days here. It took every ounce of energy just to breathe. The doctors tell me its fibromyalgia I just still refuse to believe I have that. It is bad enough dealing with the tumor in my back without having some other crap.
I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. I worry they are trying to warn me of some impending doom…they certainly feel that way when I awake from them. I feel such a dread over myself that I can’t help but use a few moments to clear them out of my mind. I hope it is only stress I’m taking to my dream world and not some serious warning I am failing to see. The dreams have been going on for a few months now and they seem to be getting more intense.
How fitting to be listening to Zombie by the Cranberries as I started to write this entry…
A few times in the past few months I have felt like a nervous break down was just one moment away. I’ve had a hard time with my father n law being sick with pancreatic cancer. He is at the nearing end and I’m not sure how to be the rock for my oldest daughter and husband when the final moment happens. I worry about him suffering with pain and I worry about what his wife will do when he’s gone too. What about Anna? I worry about these things constantly these days. It feels too close to a very difficult loss of my own over my dad who passed away with cancer in 1996.
I’ve had a downfall over changing my career. I found out that disability will cut me off if I try to attempt to go to school for photography. I am a writer, nothing special though so don’t get too excited. I’m not putting out stuff I use to dream about putting out. No New York best seller, and not even close to the Pulitzer Prize. I have big dreams, big goals and it seems I’m stuck being mediocre at best. I wanted to try to start something new like photography in hopes 2 find the thing I’m excellent at and something I can try to do with my disability. So I’m stuck writing mediocre novels, and poetry I’ll never make dimes writing.
It really upset me because I feel like I’m living this life of a stranger. This life I am stuck in isn’t mine. I am a volleyball player, hip-hop dancer, and a karaoke singer, full of life and energy to do shit with my family and on my own…however that is a dream life for me. I have been disabled since 2005 and I still can’t seem to be the new me. I walk with a cane most days and I still can’t get over the fact I do that…I just can’t accept the limits I have now…why do I have to be limited? Of all people…I’ve always been ambitious. I am a determined woman with goals set all the time. Any idea what it does to me when I’m hindered? I am very unhappy with now in my life.
Don’t get me wrong I love my family and that is not anything I’m depressed about. I just wish I could contribute more to my family…I would feel more accomplished in being able to do so.
If only they would have done the MRI in 2001! I didn’t have healthcare at that time so it was a test they avoided to do…they did X-rays which didn’t show the tumor on the nerve. So from 2001 until 2005 the tumor grew and became inoperable. Now I’m left with the life I am forced to live with no chance of EVER being any other way. When it gets to the point where they will have no other choice but to remove the tumor I will be left in a wheel chair and colostomy bag. I blame the government for this situation because if there were some sort of health coverage I would have had access too the MRI would have been done and removed before the nerve braided throughout the tumor. Bastards!
I was 22 then…
Sometimes I even push myself to try to be normal and then I hurt even more afterwards. I push myself to get out into the garden in spring and summer. I push myself to do what little housework I can do but pay for it later. I’m limited to how far I can even drive. Long trips in the car are very difficult for me due to the back pain. So forget about the road trips I use to take…vacation drives I use to dream about like seeing Yellowstone. That is over for me and boy it really depresses me to a level I’ve never known.
I try to write it out, and try to stay positive but in the midst of my life it’s hard because everyday I’m reminded how limited I am now. Every move I make I am reminded what has been taken away from me.
I pray that God gives me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot. I need him because I’m close to something I don’t want to be close to right now in my life…
Posted on Sunday, March 14, 2010, in depression, health, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, thoughts, writing and tagged diary, health, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, thoughts, writing. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.