Monthly Archives: March 2010

You’re The Reason I Pray

You are my demon in the shadows
You are my devil lurking in the rafters
Watching over my shoulder everyday
You are the reason I pray…

Why haven’t you gone?
With all your malicious antagonism
With all your actions towards me
To seize my heart,
Only to break me down
Lead me to water
Yet not let me drink
What is left of your cold heart?
Waiting is the hardest thing to do
Sifting through the nightmares of me and you
Scared you’ll show up again
With the bitterness you bring
A shadow over my soul
Afraid you haven’t let me go

Now I feel as though I’ve died
Fill an ocean with tears I’ve cried
Why me! Why me!
Why couldn’t I see?

Double-check the doors
Barricade the window seals
Have you really gone?
Forever, for a week, for how long
When shall I sleep with ease?
I loved you once
Even with all the pain you brought
Even as you made me distraught
Even as you made me your whore
I was in for the long haul, evermore
Knowing one day I might die…
Knowing one day I will die…
Thought I could heal you
Make you whole inside

Now I feel as though I’ve died
Fill an ocean with tears I’ve cried
Why me! Why me!
Why couldn’t I see?

You are my demon in the shadows
You are my devil lurking in the rafters
Watching over my shoulder everyday
You are the reason I pray…

Now you want in my life? Why?

I wanted you to care long ago but YOU refused. You made me feel small so many times over the years. Now you want to enter my life again when I let you go long ago. I was forced at your hand and actions to LET YOU GO, it ripped at my heart but I did it. I survived it even as lonely as it started out I SURVIVED. Now you want to know how I am and be my friend? WHY? What is your hidden agenda here? Am I supposed to believe you are being genuine now after all these years of being a snob to my feelings and me?

My life was so chaotic with you entwined in it that I had no other choice when you shunned me but to cut you loose. I needed a quiet mind. I found a quiet mind. Now you show up at my feet wanting me to accept you back into my life…contemplating this decision is agony because you were like my sister I thought so long ago. You ended up being just another family member I had to let go of. I started to think of myself better then the treatment I received and the love I really was lacking from you. The closeness I tried to hold for so long yet it was always one sided wasn’t it? Yes it was and when I finally realized that I knew it was time to cut you loose.

Why couldn’t you just let me go as well? Why do you need to become part of my life again? What is the motive here? You are not a trustworthy person in my eyes any longer…you hurt me and forced me to let you go…

A huge part of me wants to accept you back but I know I’ll only be burned. It has been that way since the beginning of us my dear and you know it if you are honest enough with yourself. There was a time I was kicked so badly when I was down…some of the kicks came from you…you shunned me at a time in my life I NEEDED you. I even tried to encourage you to be in my life after that…still I was trying to force something you did not share feeling with…if you had I would have not been forced to cut you loose when I did. Why couldn’t you love me then? Why couldn’t you have just been there for me then? Why didn’t you wonder and worry about me then? WHY NOW!?

I think of you often…I wonder how you are doing. I wish you all the happiness and wellness in the world even though I cut you out of my life. The hurt you have caused however is unforgettable and the scars show every time in my eyes when I do think of you. When I wish I had that sister to talk too it shows in the tears that run down my cheeks because you didn’t want me, you didn’t love me unconditionally like family is supposed to do…

Now I have to grieve the loss of you all over because you stepped up to want to be in my life again for a reason I can’t seem to see…why do you play these games with my heart and loyalty? Why must you hurt me the way that you do? Why couldn’t you just let go of me like I done you?

Oh how I’ve longed for the relationship with you…oh how I’ve needed it over the years of my pain, loss, hurt, and trials. You were not there ever. I did nothing to deserve the treatment…I never deserved to be ignored and hurt the way you done…I don’t deserve it now and I know this now. I am worth more then that dear…I am worth more then being your lap dog to kick while I’m down to make yourself feel better about your own life.

I’m afraid I will deny your access even though I want to hug you and take you back into my life…I would be a fool to listen to my heart this time…NO I will listen to the logic in my brain and words my dad spoke all the time…”Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me, it should never be a third time.” I love you. I always will love you and the memories I have of the two of us I will always cherish…I have to go on without you I believe. No matter how bitter this decision might make you just know it is not made out of hate for you. I could NEVER hate you.

Dear whoever cares…

I have had a few rough days here. It took every ounce of energy just to breathe. The doctors tell me its fibromyalgia I just still refuse to believe I have that. It is bad enough dealing with the tumor in my back without having some other crap.

I’ve been having some strange dreams lately. I worry they are trying to warn me of some impending doom…they certainly feel that way when I awake from them. I feel such a dread over myself that I can’t help but use a few moments to clear them out of my mind. I hope it is only stress I’m taking to my dream world and not some serious warning I am failing to see. The dreams have been going on for a few months now and they seem to be getting more intense.

How fitting to be listening to Zombie by the Cranberries as I started to write this entry…

A few times in the past few months I have felt like a nervous break down was just one moment away. I’ve had a hard time with my father n law being sick with pancreatic cancer. He is at the nearing end and I’m not sure how to be the rock for my oldest daughter and husband when the final moment happens. I worry about him suffering with pain and I worry about what his wife will do when he’s gone too. What about Anna? I worry about these things constantly these days. It feels too close to a very difficult loss of my own over my dad who passed away with cancer in 1996.

I’ve had a downfall over changing my career. I found out that disability will cut me off if I try to attempt to go to school for photography. I am a writer, nothing special though so don’t get too excited. I’m not putting out stuff I use to dream about putting out. No New York best seller, and not even close to the Pulitzer Prize. I have big dreams, big goals and it seems I’m stuck being mediocre at best. I wanted to try to start something new like photography in hopes 2 find the thing I’m excellent at and something I can try to do with my disability. So I’m stuck writing mediocre novels, and poetry I’ll never make dimes writing.

It really upset me because I feel like I’m living this life of a stranger. This life I am stuck in isn’t mine. I am a volleyball player, hip-hop dancer, and a karaoke singer, full of life and energy to do shit with my family and on my own…however that is a dream life for me. I have been disabled since 2005 and I still can’t seem to be the new me. I walk with a cane most days and I still can’t get over the fact I do that…I just can’t accept the limits I have now…why do I have to be limited? Of all people…I’ve always been ambitious. I am a determined woman with goals set all the time. Any idea what it does to me when I’m hindered? I am very unhappy with now in my life.

Don’t get me wrong I love my family and that is not anything I’m depressed about. I just wish I could contribute more to my family…I would feel more accomplished in being able to do so.

If only they would have done the MRI in 2001! I didn’t have healthcare at that time so it was a test they avoided to do…they did X-rays which didn’t show the tumor on the nerve. So from 2001 until 2005 the tumor grew and became inoperable. Now I’m left with the life I am forced to live with no chance of EVER being any other way. When it gets to the point where they will have no other choice but to remove the tumor I will be left in a wheel chair and colostomy bag. I blame the government for this situation because if there were some sort of health coverage I would have had access too the MRI would have been done and removed before the nerve braided throughout the tumor. Bastards!

I was 22 then…

Sometimes I even push myself to try to be normal and then I hurt even more afterwards. I push myself to get out into the garden in spring and summer. I push myself to do what little housework I can do but pay for it later. I’m limited to how far I can even drive. Long trips in the car are very difficult for me due to the back pain. So forget about the road trips I use to take…vacation drives I use to dream about like seeing Yellowstone. That is over for me and boy it really depresses me to a level I’ve never known.

I try to write it out, and try to stay positive but in the midst of my life it’s hard because everyday I’m reminded how limited I am now. Every move I make I am reminded what has been taken away from me.

I pray that God gives me strength to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot. I need him because I’m close to something I don’t want to be close to right now in my life…

To Garden

To garden, is to feel alive
Wait for the spring
See colors burst wide
Butterflies flutter by
Soft breezes caress your skin
Take a few moments
Breathe it all in
It’s time to wake
From your winter slumber
Come alive, lets start to garden