Dear Dad 2010
I need to write to you tonight. I need to face this pain. I can’t ignore the emptiness that still remains. I wonder how it is for you…where ever you are…sometimes I feel as though you aren’t that far. I sense you watching over my shoulder as I tend to my girls or as I tend to one of my household chores. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.
Life is strange at times and I just wish I could call. I just wish I could hear your voice on the other side of the wall. You had such wisdom and you never held back. So much I need to tell you every single day. I only see you in dreams but never get a chance to stay. I awake to reality. It is bittersweet. I love my husband and my girls; yet I need my dad within reach.
Armin’s dad is sick now. He fights the fight you fought. They gave him three months to live. I’m not sure if I can do this over dad, to watch another die. I don’t know if I can be the strength he’ll need when he has to say goodbye. I know the void that will remain for him in the end. What can I do to help him mend? I’m still broken inside. All I know to do is pray.
14 years will have passed in a few months since you’ve left. It still seems like yesterday but I have two beautiful girls. I’ve actually put on weight! I’ve cut ties with toxic family members. I’ve determined to stay closer to other family members I’ve missed out over the years. I’ve seen my younger pesky brother marry and have a child! I’ve had my faith tested many times and have had it grown in strength over these passing years. I’ve been published over these passing years dad! I’ve been disabled. I finished school, and going back now for career change. All of this has happened as time flies by me yet when I think of you it is as if time has frozen in the year 1996.
It still feels good to write you. Perhaps others will continue to call me insane. Should I be that vain? We both know how others talk. They have too much time on their hands. I will write you just the same when you’ve been gone for 20 years. I’ll get to tell you about all my gray hairs. I love and miss you dad. Continue to wait for me. I’ll be there someday I pray.
January 8, 2010