For so long I was the one who apologized. I was the one who made peace. I was the one who always tried to make you happy. I was the one always making things right. I did these things even though I wasn’t the one who should have been sorry. I was not the one who was making war. I made you happy even though deep inside it made me unhappy. I was not the one who was wrong.
Looking back I know now I did these things because of dad. I did these things because of the ideal he held onto about family. He tried so hard to pass that onto me. He wasn’t wrong in passing on the ideal about family, but he was sadly mistaken about the family. The ideal was great. The family however was a different story.
A family is supposed to support one another. They are supposed to be there through thick and thin and love unconditionally. They don’t just love you when it is convenient for them. They don’t push you away when things get a little hairy. They don’t purposely set out to sabotage your life with drama or actions that leave scars you’ll never forget. Family is supposed to honest, not deceitful. A family is supposed to be able to tell you the truth to your face instead of gossiping about you at the kitchen table after you leave.
Family is supposed to be supportive and encouraging. They aren’t supposed to point out every flaw you have and bring you down in esteem because of those flaws you might have.
A lot of my family really wasn’t family. Some would say to me, “Now Rachel be careful of the bridges you might be burning with what you say…” and to them all I can say is this.
Some bridges have to be burnt down in order to rebuild new ones. Sometimes structures get worn so badly they collapse. The bridges I burn this day have long collapsed. They’ve collapsed with the weight of hurt, spitefulness, and anger long ago. The people I refer to in this post will know who I am referring to and I don’t give a rat’s ass honestly. They never really cared anyway. Family doesn’t love you out of pity. Family doesn’t love you because they fill they have to. They love you because they ARE family. A lot of them are not my family and really never have been. I was living in a bubble of a dream my dad had about an ideal he had about the family we were forced to accept because DNA bound us.
I’m a grown woman now and I don’t have to accept shit now. DNA is just that in this scenario, DNA. Family is so much more then that. It is so much deeper. It is sad they never realized that, because now it is too late. They’ve isolated themselves in their own drama, their own back stabbings, and their own pities with no real sense of what family could have been. At least now I won’t have to worry about being ripped to shreds as I leave their house. At least now I won’t have to worry about offending them when I’ve done NOTHING wrong. At least now I won’t have to worry about being remembered on Christmas when I call to say I was thinking about you. The visits, the calls and the thoughts end with this.
There is one thing I’ve never been able to get over. I’ve tried and it just isn’t going to happen. My dad died March 7th 1996, and he was my best friend. He was everything to me. I loved him like nothing else in this world and I needed “family” to help me as I faced the loss. They shunned me. They had NO CLUE the circumstances surrounding my absence at the time but were so quick to talk shit about me and treat me like a villain when I returned the night my dad died. I entered my mom’s house and only two people hugged me that night out of all the family who was there. That is pretty sad, but that is OK because now I see that those two out of that bunch are REAL FAMILY. The rest of them can go to hell. I forgive them for the ignorance but I don’t need them in my life. You can forgive but you can never forget. They never even apologized for that even. I never even got a sorry for that….even 13 years later they feel no guilt for the way they treated me. What a fool I was.
They brought it on themselves a long time ago. Sad I know. Unfortunately I’ve felt this way for a while now and had to take time to think through this to be sure I was ready to sever ties. The time has come. The time is now.
Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009, in family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, relationships, thoughts and tagged family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, relationships, thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.