Severing Ties

forgivenotforget

For so long I was the one who apologized. I was the one who made peace. I was the one who always tried to make you happy. I was the one always making things right. I did these things even though I wasn’t the one who should have been sorry. I was not the one who was making war. I made you happy even though deep inside it made me unhappy. I was not the one who was wrong.

Looking back I know now I did these things because of dad. I did these things because of the ideal he held onto about family. He tried so hard to pass that onto me. He wasn’t wrong in passing on the ideal about family, but he was sadly mistaken about the family. The ideal was great. The family however was a different story.

A family is supposed to support one another. They are supposed to be there through thick and thin and love unconditionally. They don’t just love you when it is convenient for them. They don’t push you away when things get a little hairy. They don’t purposely set out to sabotage your life with drama or actions that leave scars you’ll never forget. Family is supposed to honest, not deceitful. A family is supposed to be able to tell you the truth to your face instead of gossiping about you at the kitchen table after you leave.

Family is supposed to be supportive and encouraging. They aren’t supposed to point out every flaw you have and bring you down in esteem because of those flaws you might have.

A lot of my family really wasn’t family. Some would say to me, “Now Rachel be careful of the bridges you might be burning with what you say…” and to them all I can say is this.

Some bridges have to be burnt down in order to rebuild new ones. Sometimes structures get worn so badly they collapse. The bridges I burn this day have long collapsed. They’ve collapsed with the weight of hurt, spitefulness, and anger long ago. The people I refer to in this post will know who I am referring to and I don’t give a rat’s ass honestly. They never really cared anyway. Family doesn’t love you out of pity. Family doesn’t love you because they fill they have to. They love you because they ARE family. A lot of them are not my family and really never have been. I was living in a bubble of a dream my dad had about an ideal he had about the family we were forced to accept because DNA bound us.

I’m a grown woman now and I don’t have to accept shit now. DNA is just that in this scenario, DNA. Family is so much more then that. It is so much deeper. It is sad they never realized that, because now it is too late. They’ve isolated themselves in their own drama, their own back stabbings, and their own pities with no real sense of what family could have been. At least now I won’t have to worry about being ripped to shreds as I leave their house. At least now I won’t have to worry about offending them when I’ve done NOTHING wrong. At least now I won’t have to worry about being remembered on Christmas when I call to say I was thinking about you. The visits, the calls and the thoughts end with this.

There is one thing I’ve never been able to get over. I’ve tried and it just isn’t going to happen. My dad died March 7th 1996, and he was my best friend. He was everything to me. I loved him like nothing else in this world and I needed “family” to help me as I faced the loss. They shunned me. They had NO CLUE the circumstances surrounding my absence at the time but were so quick to talk shit about me and treat me like a villain when I returned the night my dad died. I entered my mom’s house and only two people hugged me that night out of all the family who was there. That is pretty sad, but that is OK because now I see that those two out of that bunch are REAL FAMILY. The rest of them can go to hell. I forgive them for the ignorance but I don’t need them in my life. You can forgive but you can never forget. They never even apologized for that even. I never even got a sorry for that….even 13 years later they feel no guilt for the way they treated me. What a fool I was.

They brought it on themselves a long time ago. Sad I know. Unfortunately I’ve felt this way for a while now and had to take time to think through this to be sure I was ready to sever ties. The time has come. The time is now.

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Friday, August 21, 2009, in family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal, relationships, thoughts and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Sometimes…that’s the way the chips fall – and it does suck. The realization of, “wow. they’re really just in it for themselves…and could care less about me…” is hard. But it also means you can finally move forward.

    • Thank you Jessica for taking time to read. You are absolutely right, it’s hard but it gives me the chance to finally move on. This is the closure I’ve needed in this situation for quite sometime now. Thank you for your support it means a lot even if I don’t know you personally. It is nice to know others think I’m doing the right thing.

  2. It is difficult and sad to finally see things the way they are — but it is also very healing. Having been where you are what really helped me was to resolve not to be angry, and I did that by refusing to judge the intent of those who hurt me. That is for God to do because only He knows what is in each person’s heart.

    I realized that we don’t pick our family members — and if we would not put up with certain behaviors from non-family there are times, when it is serious enough, that we should not put up with it from familymembers either.

    There are in this world toxic people — those who have a totally negative effect on others — toxic people must be avoided even if they share our DNA.

    • Hi ChildOfMary, thanks for taking time to read this and leaving your comment. I appreciate the support.

      That is exactly what I was thinking about but couldn’t grab onto it when I was writing this, TOXIC people, you got it right there.

      I hope to see you stop by again in the future. I appreciate your thoughts on this matter and the support you lend to me on this.

      • You are welcome — it is a hard road you are walking now and I just remembered a book that may be very helpful — ” Bad Childhood—Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood” by Laura Schlessinger.

        The insight and advice she gives in this book is really twofold — not just how to deal (or stop dealing) with toxic people but also how to recognize the subtle effects such past relationships may be having on our present “grown up” viewpoint and decisions — once we recognize things we can make much better decisions as we go forward with our lives. It’s not an easy process and requires a level of objectivity that can be difficult and often painful to obtain — but if we can learn to be honest with ourselves the struggle is well worth the rewards because it leads to a new freedom.

      • One more point of clarification — have written much about your Dad — and the wonderful person he was and the relationship that you had — so I realize your childhood was not entirely unhappy, and that’s a good thing — the insight in Laura’s book can be applied to other situations — and that’s why I recommend it —

    • Thank you ChildOfMary for the book title. I will check it out next time I’m at the library or Barnes and Noble. I agree it will be a tough road. I mean this post was about family I’m severing ties with…I’ve got many years of mixed memories to contend with ultimately however I must remember in the end they are toxic for me and the relationship with them has cost me my health over the years.

      It isn’t hatred that breaks me off from me, that is one thing I want to stress here. So many have suggested this is out of pure anger or hatred. It isn’t like that at all. They may be angry towards me or hate me for cutting them off but those feelings do not exist within me. It is just time for me to be without them is all.

      I want peace before I die. Wouldn’t you?

      Go glad you stopped by hope you visit often.

      JO

      • Correction: It isn’t hatred that breaks me off from me

        Should have been

        It isn’t hatred that breaks me off from them

      • I am really happy to have you say it isn’t hatred or anger, because those emotions are very destructive to those who harbor and nourish them.

        For me there is a bit of saddness located in one little part of my heart — sadness that things were the way they were in my life — when I see a family that functions “normally” it makes me smile — I would not wish the suffering I endured on anyone else.

        Funny, but some elements of our culture resist or refuse to acknowledge that one can function quite well while carrying a bit of hurt in one’s heart — they are fooling themselves, I think — What do you think??

    • ChildOfMary,

      I completely agree. I’m a prime example among many who live with wounds to the heart that NEVER really fully heal yet function quite well. I’m raising two beautiful children and have a wonderful husband. To top it off I’m not medicated with antidepressents either! LOL

      For some reason our society is stuck in the realm of thinking that if you have had a rough time, or carry the littlest bit of hurt in your heart you need to take a pill to not feel anymore….

      Not to say that many don’t need these medications because I am very sure some of them do but I do believe as a whole society we are over medicated. I sought therapy years ago and said out front I will NOT accept medicine to mask what I feel….I wanted to face it, talk it out and move on. IT WORKED WONDERFULLY!

      Don’t you think our society is over medicated?

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