Monthly Archives: August 2009
I love you still
No matter what your mind might wonder
I hold no hatred inside this heart to ponder
When the rain trickles
Beading down your window pane
You’ll think of me
I’ll always love you
No matter what your cold heart might feel
I’ll hold no bitterness towards you still
When the thunders rolls by
Slowly through the night sky
You will wish for me
I’m long gone but love you still
No matter how you refuse to forgive
I’ll continue to be happy and go on to live
Yes my frozen one, I love you still
No matter what the ice forbids you to feel
I will never hate you in my heart
For it has healed
For so long I was the one who apologized. I was the one who made peace. I was the one who always tried to make you happy. I was the one always making things right. I did these things even though I wasn’t the one who should have been sorry. I was not the one who was making war. I made you happy even though deep inside it made me unhappy. I was not the one who was wrong.
Looking back I know now I did these things because of dad. I did these things because of the ideal he held onto about family. He tried so hard to pass that onto me. He wasn’t wrong in passing on the ideal about family, but he was sadly mistaken about the family. The ideal was great. The family however was a different story.
A family is supposed to support one another. They are supposed to be there through thick and thin and love unconditionally. They don’t just love you when it is convenient for them. They don’t push you away when things get a little hairy. They don’t purposely set out to sabotage your life with drama or actions that leave scars you’ll never forget. Family is supposed to honest, not deceitful. A family is supposed to be able to tell you the truth to your face instead of gossiping about you at the kitchen table after you leave.
Family is supposed to be supportive and encouraging. They aren’t supposed to point out every flaw you have and bring you down in esteem because of those flaws you might have.
A lot of my family really wasn’t family. Some would say to me, “Now Rachel be careful of the bridges you might be burning with what you say…” and to them all I can say is this.
Some bridges have to be burnt down in order to rebuild new ones. Sometimes structures get worn so badly they collapse. The bridges I burn this day have long collapsed. They’ve collapsed with the weight of hurt, spitefulness, and anger long ago. The people I refer to in this post will know who I am referring to and I don’t give a rat’s ass honestly. They never really cared anyway. Family doesn’t love you out of pity. Family doesn’t love you because they fill they have to. They love you because they ARE family. A lot of them are not my family and really never have been. I was living in a bubble of a dream my dad had about an ideal he had about the family we were forced to accept because DNA bound us.
I’m a grown woman now and I don’t have to accept shit now. DNA is just that in this scenario, DNA. Family is so much more then that. It is so much deeper. It is sad they never realized that, because now it is too late. They’ve isolated themselves in their own drama, their own back stabbings, and their own pities with no real sense of what family could have been. At least now I won’t have to worry about being ripped to shreds as I leave their house. At least now I won’t have to worry about offending them when I’ve done NOTHING wrong. At least now I won’t have to worry about being remembered on Christmas when I call to say I was thinking about you. The visits, the calls and the thoughts end with this.
There is one thing I’ve never been able to get over. I’ve tried and it just isn’t going to happen. My dad died March 7th 1996, and he was my best friend. He was everything to me. I loved him like nothing else in this world and I needed “family” to help me as I faced the loss. They shunned me. They had NO CLUE the circumstances surrounding my absence at the time but were so quick to talk shit about me and treat me like a villain when I returned the night my dad died. I entered my mom’s house and only two people hugged me that night out of all the family who was there. That is pretty sad, but that is OK because now I see that those two out of that bunch are REAL FAMILY. The rest of them can go to hell. I forgive them for the ignorance but I don’t need them in my life. You can forgive but you can never forget. They never even apologized for that even. I never even got a sorry for that….even 13 years later they feel no guilt for the way they treated me. What a fool I was.
They brought it on themselves a long time ago. Sad I know. Unfortunately I’ve felt this way for a while now and had to take time to think through this to be sure I was ready to sever ties. The time has come. The time is now.
****STRONG LANGUAGE WARNING!!!!****
Sometimes I get so fucking angry I want to put my hand through a pane of glass. It boils up inside of me like a volcano waiting to go off. I’ll sit and try to patiently wait it out but the more I stew over what pissed me off originally the WORSE it gets. The part that gets to me the most is HOW CLUELESS some fucking people can be.
Are you really that fucking stupid to NOT hear how you are speaking to someone? You can’t tell you are talking in the voice of a total asshole? You don’t notice the disgust look on your face as you look at them? You don’t notice the shoving motion you tend to have when you hand them something? Are you REALLY THAT FUCKING STUPID?
You must know that you’re as asshole. Perhaps not full time, but in that moment you have to know this. Why does it always take ME to point that shit out? Why do I have to leave my comfort zone of PEACE to let you know how big of an ass-turd you’re being?
I’m sure you all know exactly what I’m talking about right? Whether it is in your own home, your local Wal-Mart, a gas station, or the fast food you pick up for dinner.
God people need to learn a few things. First they need to learn how to be happy even when shit is very bad. It is NOT THE WORLDS fault shit might be falling apart around you seriously. Second, you are not the only one who is having some rough times, stop being so damn self centered. Last but not least you need to learn how to communicate. If the problem is with your husband, wife, kids, family, boss, or whoever just confront the situation and get it out in the open instead of carrying it around for the world to see that YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
Yeah, this isn’t your usual let’s be friends post. This isn’t you’re usual hey life isn’t that bad post. I’m pissed off. I’m real pissed off and I wanted to get it out because I REFUSE to walk around like an asshole. Life is too short for that shit. Now I’ll quit being an asshole until I run across another one like the one I just wrote about. Let’s hope that isn’t anytime soon!
You live a life that is a total lie. What has he ever done for you? Think it over. You’ve showed him love and support. He’s gone out on you. Doesn’t it feel like it’s over? You sit and pretend he’s a great guy to have. You know the truth. He’s a dog. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. Hasn’t it been over for a long time? Think it over. Sure he’s done some pretty nice things in the past. Everyone is bound to do some nice things in their lifetime. He doesn’t really care. Face the truth. He doesn’t care. If he cared it wouldn’t feel like it’s over. If he cared he wouldn’t be a dog, he wouldn’t lie, he wouldn’t cheat. You wouldn’t be lonely sitting there thinking, there has to be a better way.
You’re comfortable, you’re familiar, you’re afraid. These things are natural. Now you should snap out of it! Think it over. You’ve loved him unconditionally. You’ve been faithful and been there through thick and thin. What has he done? He tells you what to do. Makes a fool of you! It isn’t fair. He really doesn’t care. You are living a lie. Look what he puts you through. Doesn’t it already feel like it’s over? Think it over. There is a better way!