Monthly Archives: April 2009
Tough moments crossed my mind today
I was hurting so bad I had nothing to say
The tears were all I had for you
I didn’t know what else to do
I wanted to shout that I loved you
I wanted to lay you down
I wanted to love you in ways I never have
I didn’t want to let you leave
I felt so alone inside
That is the moment I cried
You had to tell me good-bye
I had to wait ‘til nightfall
To show you the passion I have for you
Whispers of I do
I do…I do…
So I thought I’d write and give an update to my readers on my FNL and myself.
For myself I’ve had a tough time with muscle tenderness. I feel like I’ve been beaten badly all over. It hurts to sit, hell it hurts to move at all. I think the little yard work I did brought this fibromyalgia attack on. I’ve been feeling this way for 3 days now. The meds I have are not helping at all. I’ve been using heat wraps to ease it. I will survive this. It will pass. Now about my FNL…
He had his second chemotherapy session. It was worse then the first. It gave him bad diarrhea, and this time it had him throwing up. It drained him of most of his energy so he slept a lot afterwards. This lasted a few days or so.
Now he is back in the normal “denial” living as best he can. He’s having some remodeling done in his home so the small projects are keeping him occupied and his mind off the cancer I imagine. I imagine that is his goal. His goal is to not think about the cancer or the fact he’s dying soon at all.
We haven’t been able to get over there to visit again. We plan to go soon though I just hope there is time. Talking on the phone he sounds great! His spirits are high. His white blood cells are staying up so the chemotherapy hasn’t affected that yet and hopefully it won’t so he won’t have to skip any sessions. I love his strength facing such a devastating situation. I do think of him as a dad even though he is only a father by marriage. I’ve had ten years with him so far and they have been good years. We’ve never fought. He has always treated me great. He treats me like a daughter and always has. I am very sad over this but I try to hide it from my husband and daughters. They will need me to be the rock in this situation. Please pray for me to be able to do that. I haven’t been very good at being a rock for a while now.
I love all my readers and I wish you happiness, good health and safety. Until next time…
I will pray for you J
I called my FNL yesterday. He sounded good. I was so glad to hear he was in good spirits. He said his pain wasn’t so bad and he is drinking ensure everyday like I asked him to do. He said his appetite is great and he has only lost ten pounds so far. He lost that due to diarrhea. The chemotherapy is causing it. They told him to drink Imodium to prevent it next treatment he has.
There is so much going on in my life right now. It almost makes me feel nausea. I feel at the verge of throwing up. Ever have that feeling?
I have kids to take care of. A home to keep up, a husband to keep happy, medicine to remember to take, doctor appointments out the yin yang to keep, yard work to try to get done little by little, flowers to put out for this season, my brother says something is wrong with his blood work he had done, my uncle just had a stroke, my mom keeps getting pneumonia, my fibromyalgia seems to be out of control, I’m not sleeping well, I’m trying hard to lose weight and I am not winning that battle! I’m falling back into depression, and I can’t finish my book The Seed Of Infidelity. WOW that is a lot I think. Oh and sometimes I forget to eat through the day.
I’m so tired. I can’t do this blog anymore right now….
I went back on my lyrica yesterday. I couldn’t stand the pain any longer. I couldn’t do anything being off the pill. Yesterday was an OK day. I was able to drive to ChinaMart, I mean WalMart, do some dishes, and cook dinner without any major pain problems!
I wanted to lose more weight so I quit taking the lyrica but now I see that I have to be happy with my body the way it is. The extra weight is something I have to live with I guess. I’ll only be able to lose another ten pounds according to the doctor and she can’t guarantee that due to the cymbalta, and the depo birth control shot I take. Both of those put weight on users.
I decided to start a new network group. I named it Conquering Fibromyalgia. I hope that you click over and join. Help support the cause. Eventually I would love for it to turn into a huge network with people meeting locally in support groups for fibromyalgia. I don’t have anything local in my area to support me. I think there should be a local gathering of support all over the nation. The closest thing I have regarding support group is Minneapolis! I can’t drive that far so lets hope the network grows and something comes along for my local area!
Whether you believe me or not it is really hard to deal with having fibromyalgia. People who don’t have the illness have no clue what it is like. Talking with them really doesn’t help most of the time. Most of the time when you try to talk to someone who doesn’t have fibromyalgia it just escalates tension in the relationship. No matter what relationship it is, it causes tension because it is quite simple. They do not understand what it is like to live with this disease.
The network can be a place to share your own story of suffering from fibromyalgia. It could be a place for you to learn more about the illness so that you can support your friends and family. The network can be a place where you gather to discuss the difficulties you have had with the illness, whether you have it, or someone you know has it. Please come over and support the network. Help me grow it large enough so that others eventually can have a local connection of support in the area they live in.
I’ll be posting another entry later this evening about how my day went today fighting my fibromyalgia. Until next time…