Daily Archives: Monday, December 29, 2008

Loving memories of mom…but why has it been so difficult?

With this post I want to share good things about my mom. I want to share some good qualities about her. I know you all have read about how she wasn’t the greatest mom. I know you have read the negative thus far in my blogging days. With this post I want you to see her other side, her loving side. I want you to get to know her more too.

She loves Elvis. Her favorite Christmas treat is chocolate covered cherries. She loves plain Hershey bars. She can’t function without her coffee. She cared for my dad from the time he was diagnosed with cancer until the day he drew his last breath and NEVER once complained about doing it. Her favorite soda drink is Coke Cola.

She never talked bad about anyone behind their back even when they deserved it. She knew two of her sisters talked bad about her and her family but she still welcomed them into her home and offered them coffee time and time again. She knew that she was a disappointment to her own mom by things her mom would say behind her back, but still treated her with nothing but respect. She never treated her mom badly even when she might have deserved it.

My mom carries a guilt feeling around concerning one of her brothers that she should not carry. One of her brothers fell off of a swing and broke his arm when they were younger and got brain damage from the fall and she blames herself for that happening. It was just an accident and it wasn’t her fault so she shouldn’t feel guilty.

When her sister Eve was diagnosed with ovarian cancer she went everyday to help care for her. She was there until the day she drew her last breath and NEVER once complained about doing it even though her brother in law tried to throw her out a few times and treated her very badly at times. She went back afterwards and cared for her sister how she could.

My cousin Paul and his wife had nowhere to go for a while and she opened her home to them. She loaned them money when they needed and never asked for a dime back even though they agreed to pay her back in full. When her sister’s house burnt down she opened her home to them until things were situated with them and never asked for anything in return.

When my first husband wouldn’t work to keep us our own home she allowed us to move into her home. It might not have been great living there and there was a lot of conflict but she allowed us to be there. When my first husband, the piece of shit, was in jail and I had no bail money she put her house on the line with her deed to help get him out of jail.

These are some of the reasons I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about my mom. She isn’t a bad person at all. These memories make it hard for me to not be hardened against her even though she does hurtful things against me, and against the family. These good qualities confuse my emotions where she is concerned. It isn’t cut and dry with her.

I want to cut her out of my life for so many reasons but I think of all these good memories and I feel very guilty for wanting to not talk to her. I do love my mom very much. I have only longed her to be closer to me. I have longed for a relationship with her like other girls have with their mothers. I have only always wanted that friendship on the side. I never got any of that and I still don’t. Unfortunately for her I don’t long for that anymore. I haven’t longed for that from her for a long time now. I feel guilty for that too because of the good in her I know about. The good in her I’ve seen.

I just want to know why it has been so difficult with my mom. It was so easy with my dad.

Fibromyalgia didn’t stop me living life last night!

I got to go out last night! I didn’t feel 100% but I needed adult stimulation. I needed to be out to live life. Grandpa is in town so he was willing to keep my kids so I could go with my husband. I had to take advantage of the moment regardless of how I was feeling regarding my fibromyalgia and back tumor.

I had such a great time too! We went to a very small bar here in town. I had my signature drink amaretto sour. I got drunk. LOL I had sampled a southern slammer that is made with southern comfort, that shit is nasty. Later on I took an apple sour shot, which I didn’t think was bad at all. I actually liked it. I prefer sour drinks over the sweet stuff. The sweet stuff give you hang over’s and tend to get you sick. I hate beer!
I got to meet some people my husband works with that I had not met before and they all were very nice. I enjoyed their company. I also met a lady and her husband. She bartends one day a week at the bar we attended and I absolutely loved her. Her name was Cindy and her husband was great too. A very funny guy! His name was Jamie. They were the best there for me. I had guessed that Cindy was an Aquarius. There was something about her. She was so much like me. I guessed right.

We have a law here in MN where you can’t smoke inside any establishment anymore so I was out smoking with Jamie at one point and asked if she was in fact an Aquarius and he said yes.

We closed the bar down. I am surprised I made it that long actually. When I got home I barely got my pajama’s on and passed out on the bed LOL.

You want to know about today? Are you wondering how I felt when I woke up? Well, I felt OK actually. I had a slight headache at first waking up but it went away shortly after I got out of bed. So over all it was well worth going out to enjoy life a little bit.

I would love to do it one more time before grandpa goes back home. We’ll see!

Hope you all are enjoying the holiday.

Sending my best wishes throughout the cyber world…
JO