Monthly Archives: December 2008

Loving memories of mom…but why has it been so difficult?

With this post I want to share good things about my mom. I want to share some good qualities about her. I know you all have read about how she wasn’t the greatest mom. I know you have read the negative thus far in my blogging days. With this post I want you to see her other side, her loving side. I want you to get to know her more too.

She loves Elvis. Her favorite Christmas treat is chocolate covered cherries. She loves plain Hershey bars. She can’t function without her coffee. She cared for my dad from the time he was diagnosed with cancer until the day he drew his last breath and NEVER once complained about doing it. Her favorite soda drink is Coke Cola.

She never talked bad about anyone behind their back even when they deserved it. She knew two of her sisters talked bad about her and her family but she still welcomed them into her home and offered them coffee time and time again. She knew that she was a disappointment to her own mom by things her mom would say behind her back, but still treated her with nothing but respect. She never treated her mom badly even when she might have deserved it.

My mom carries a guilt feeling around concerning one of her brothers that she should not carry. One of her brothers fell off of a swing and broke his arm when they were younger and got brain damage from the fall and she blames herself for that happening. It was just an accident and it wasn’t her fault so she shouldn’t feel guilty.

When her sister Eve was diagnosed with ovarian cancer she went everyday to help care for her. She was there until the day she drew her last breath and NEVER once complained about doing it even though her brother in law tried to throw her out a few times and treated her very badly at times. She went back afterwards and cared for her sister how she could.

My cousin Paul and his wife had nowhere to go for a while and she opened her home to them. She loaned them money when they needed and never asked for a dime back even though they agreed to pay her back in full. When her sister’s house burnt down she opened her home to them until things were situated with them and never asked for anything in return.

When my first husband wouldn’t work to keep us our own home she allowed us to move into her home. It might not have been great living there and there was a lot of conflict but she allowed us to be there. When my first husband, the piece of shit, was in jail and I had no bail money she put her house on the line with her deed to help get him out of jail.

These are some of the reasons I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about my mom. She isn’t a bad person at all. These memories make it hard for me to not be hardened against her even though she does hurtful things against me, and against the family. These good qualities confuse my emotions where she is concerned. It isn’t cut and dry with her.

I want to cut her out of my life for so many reasons but I think of all these good memories and I feel very guilty for wanting to not talk to her. I do love my mom very much. I have only longed her to be closer to me. I have longed for a relationship with her like other girls have with their mothers. I have only always wanted that friendship on the side. I never got any of that and I still don’t. Unfortunately for her I don’t long for that anymore. I haven’t longed for that from her for a long time now. I feel guilty for that too because of the good in her I know about. The good in her I’ve seen.

I just want to know why it has been so difficult with my mom. It was so easy with my dad.

Fibromyalgia didn’t stop me living life last night!

I got to go out last night! I didn’t feel 100% but I needed adult stimulation. I needed to be out to live life. Grandpa is in town so he was willing to keep my kids so I could go with my husband. I had to take advantage of the moment regardless of how I was feeling regarding my fibromyalgia and back tumor.

I had such a great time too! We went to a very small bar here in town. I had my signature drink amaretto sour. I got drunk. LOL I had sampled a southern slammer that is made with southern comfort, that shit is nasty. Later on I took an apple sour shot, which I didn’t think was bad at all. I actually liked it. I prefer sour drinks over the sweet stuff. The sweet stuff give you hang over’s and tend to get you sick. I hate beer!
I got to meet some people my husband works with that I had not met before and they all were very nice. I enjoyed their company. I also met a lady and her husband. She bartends one day a week at the bar we attended and I absolutely loved her. Her name was Cindy and her husband was great too. A very funny guy! His name was Jamie. They were the best there for me. I had guessed that Cindy was an Aquarius. There was something about her. She was so much like me. I guessed right.

We have a law here in MN where you can’t smoke inside any establishment anymore so I was out smoking with Jamie at one point and asked if she was in fact an Aquarius and he said yes.

We closed the bar down. I am surprised I made it that long actually. When I got home I barely got my pajama’s on and passed out on the bed LOL.

You want to know about today? Are you wondering how I felt when I woke up? Well, I felt OK actually. I had a slight headache at first waking up but it went away shortly after I got out of bed. So over all it was well worth going out to enjoy life a little bit.

I would love to do it one more time before grandpa goes back home. We’ll see!

Hope you all are enjoying the holiday.

Sending my best wishes throughout the cyber world…

What do you think? Ridiculous or not? *Strong language*

So my long lost brother called me yesterday evening to wish me a merry Christmas. It was nice to hear from him even though he is the brother I only talk to on special occasions usually. We had a good conversation and he wanted to talk to our grandmother so since she couldn’t call long distance to call him back I offered to conference call her for him. It went well. After that he wanted to call my aunt M to get my aunt H’s number because I didn’t have it and granums didn’t have it. I really didn’t want to call M because I figured she might not want to give the number out but my brother J insisted so I did. I called M and the call was great. We got to talk to my cousin P which was really nice. I do miss talking with her. My aunt M gave my brother the number and then we ended the call with I love you’s and merry Christmas’s.

So now it is just my brother J and I on the phone talking. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to call H that he should call himself and have her call him back. He didn’t want to run up his neighbor’s phone bill anymore then he already did and it wasn’t costing me anything to do it so I decided to call for him.

This is where this part of the whole story gets ridiculous and pisses me off. My aunt H is the aunt I’ve always thought of as a second mom. Her daughters were always like sisters to me growing up. I always thought they thought the same about me but apparently I have been completely wrong and a damn fool to think that.

So my uncle answers and I ask to talk to H. She gets on the phone and I say, “Hey how you doing?” and then put the call on conference with my brother J. She asks, “Whose this?” I reply, “It’s Rachel.” Then she says, “Rachel who?” I was like what the fuck!? I then said it was Rachel and J. I don’t know any Rachel she said. My brother then gets irate and screams, “You don’t fucking remember us? You fucked up? You fucking drunk?” she then hands the phone off to my cousin K as she says, “Who is it?” and K takes the phone and says, “Hello.” And I say in a very firm voice, “K, it’s RACHEL!” then my brother steps in and says something about his screen name and she says this as she hands the phone back to my aunt H, “Oh it’s, J. D.” K didn’t even talk to my brother which I thought was pretty insulting on top the fact they didn’t act like they knew me or him. So now my aunt H gets back on the phone and doesn’t even acknowledge that I am on the call too and says, “Oh J. How the hell you been?” my brother gives her the number where he is and says to call him back and we end the call.

Now I was pretty damn upset that they tried to pretend they didn’t know me. What the fuck? That is what I am still asking myself today. I mean they don’t know any other Rachel’s and who the hell else named Rachel would call on Christmas for goodness sakes! It is absolutely ridiculous what they did. I am surprised that my brother even wanted her to call him back after that charade. If I were him I would have been insulted as well.

I am SO DONE with that part of my family it isn’t even funny. Rachel who? OK we can play that game now I guess. The only difference this time will be that this IS the last damn game ever to be played with them. They can find someone else to continue shitting on. I don’t deserve this type of treatment. Not only did “Rachel who?” insult me, it really hurt me to know they don’t even think of me in the same manner I’ve thought of them all these fucking years. I mean even my aunt R in Kentucky remembers me after not talking or hearing from me for five years when I call her…it was absolutely ridiculous is all I can say. What do you think?


Merry Christmas to you all!

Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope your day was filled with as much love as mine was. Today was a great day. I felt semi-ok and it was so wonderful seeing my girls open the gifts and play in the living room.
Santa treated me very well this year! I finally got my laptop!! Do you know what that means? That means for me I’ll get to post more often and keep things up to date with finances easily. I absolutely love it. It is missing works program but I’ll install that soon.

My whole family was sick for about a week before Christmas. We had some bad sinus stuff going on. I am just now trying to get over it but I am still pretty stuffed up and get sinus headaches. My daughters ran fevers with it, I didn’t run any fever.

I often worry about the Christmas holiday keeping me down and this year was one of the best Christmas’s I’ve had. Our finances are finally within reach to get under control. I got my girls some few good gifts they enjoyed and will enjoy. I got my laptop finally and that will make my life easier. I loved every single gift I got this year.

We decided to have a pork roast this year instead of another turkey or ham. I am cooking now so I do have to end this post soon. Lets hope my roast turns out real good.

Merry Christmas to you all!