Monthly Archives: November 2008

Living With A Schizophrenic Mother

So my older brother called me the other night, the only one that calls me, and tells me that mom is in the hospital again. I wasn’t shocked. My first concern was to find out whether or not it was the usual reason or if it was her heart. It was for the usual reasons so I was relieved. Listen to me, “I was relieved.” It has become so normal that it doesn’t even phase me that she is once again in the hospital in the mental ward.

Living with a schizophrenic mom has taken a toll on my entire family. I live over four states away and there isn’t a thing I can do for her or her illness. I’ve tried in the past believe me. I’ve tried so hard in the past that it broke my family apart for a time when my oldest daughter was around two years old. I even went to live with mom in hopes coming back home would improve the situation. It didn’t. It seemed to have escalated it now that I look back. She is good at getting attention. All schizophrenics are. It is apart of their illness. Most of the family has tried to help her in some way but no one has been successful on helping her stay on track. She always ends up back at square one.

I have often wondered if she was really sick or just pretending simply to get pity. Growing up with it and not understanding it makes you view it in that way. She wasn’t a good mom I can’t sit here and praise her. I can however sit here as a grown woman and start to understand a little as to why she didn’t do some of the things she needed to do. Now some things she refused to do there are no excuses for. Like getting me ready for school as a little girl. There is no excuse for that in my opinion. Even in my worst day of a fibromyalgia attack I get up and make sure my daughter is ready for school the proper way. That is a mother’s job.

Mom probably decided to pull this episode due to the holiday coming up. Good ole’ Thanksgiving. It was my dad’s favorite holiday. She does this every year. Last year it was Christmas she went into the hospital. She either takes too many of her pills, or she’ll stop taking them all together. We haven’t had a problem with her overdosing in a long time. She now just stops taking her meds.

She was in the hospital about three months ago too though. She was staying with T whom I wish she would have nothing to do with and my cousin R, who is my aunt Eve’s son, attempted to run her off I heard and long behold she ended up in the hospital shortly after going over to the house I use to call home. I believe that is what set her in motion on that particular episode.

I’ve talked to counselors. I’ve asked for help from everywhere and there seems to be none that is worth the taking. The best I get is there are far worse people off then her who live on their own or who are homeless. I believe this illness has deadened my family and what it was meant to be. I believe it has been the sole component that has so easily allowed the barriers to be put up between my brothers and I. It silences our communication even though we need it so badly. We don’t know what to say or what to do to help our mom or ourselves in this continuing battle of schizophrenia.

When dad was around he was the caretaker. He was the one who handled her. He handled her well so we thought. We thought he handled her well because we didn’t have to “deal” with her or the illness first hand like he did. What a life he must have lived dealing with his wife having the illness and trying to raise five kids and having no money along the way. God bless him for being a great man and dad.

Throughout the years my mom has lost a lot of her family. Some have disowned her because of her actions that she has kept repeating. Some have disowned her because of her choice of being with T who is a shit bag. I can’t candy coat it here. I have no love for the guy and I never have. I tolerated him because he was married to my aunt Eve and while she was living I put up with him for her. After she died I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to have anything to do with him ever again. Well, so I thought! Long behold my mom decides to be “best friends” with him. I think there is more then friendship going on myself, and many others do so too.

I am angry that she did this once again. She pulled another selfish act. She wasn’t thinking how it would affect my nephew or my youngest brother and his family who expected to cook dinner with mom. He was looking forward to having that this year. Another holiday for him that will have an absent void in it. How can I be angry with him after all he’s lived with on his own since dad has died? I don’t know…whom should I be angry at?

Should I be angry that he couldn’t fix her? I couldn’t even fix her! Should I be angry at my oldest brother because he couldn’t fix her? I couldn’t even fix her! Why am I angry at all? Schizophrenia has destroyed my family. I only talk to one of my brothers on a regular basis out of four. There is something wrong with that. I’ve tried to reach out to each of the others. It has done no good. There is so much resentment for things said and done in the past that the wall just doesn’t seem to be coming down anytime soon.

We all have done everything you can think of to try to fix our mom and in the process of doing that we’ve hurt each other and never looked back. We all stepped in at different times to try different approaches in attempts to make her life better and along the way we’ve stepped on each other in one way or another.

So, I will call my mom tomorrow in the hospital to wish her a happy Thanksgiving. I’m not sure what conversation we’ll have except to ask why again? Like I have so many times before…

Times like these I wish my dad were here more then any other time.

Until next time, be safe…and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

JO

Fighting depression with all I got!

Today is an OK day for me. I can’t say that to often during these cold seasons. I have been able to get my dishes done and make it down to the office to write a short post to the BLOG.

I have some slight burning in my muscles right now and I am hoping that will fade although I know it won’t. It probably will only get worse. I’ve been entertaining myself with Christmas music to keep me in a good mood. I am pretty depressed right now.

I am unhappy with a lot of things. Some of those things I won’t write about here. It isn’t time yet. Soon though I may have to let it out to the BLOG world. I will fight this depression as I have been with all I’ve got. I won’t give in to it. I will fight until I can’t no longer.

You all know the usual stuff around holidays that concern people who battle depression. Lost loved ones they miss badly. I am thinking of dad, Eve and others quite a bit. Reminiscing about old times in my mind.

I actually had a good memory come to me about my mom the other day. I had remembered how she used to break off pieces of Hershey bars to give to me. Dad would buy her Hershey bars, and chocolate covered cherries. Those were her favorites. I loved it when she shared them with me. I can look back now at her sitting in the corner chair calling me over to her. It was nice to remember that after all the grief with her. I guess I don’t have all bad stuff regarding my mom growing up.

We were very poor growing up. I remember being hungry a lot of times. There was very little food in the house most of the time. My brothers and I lived a pretty rough life. So those times that mom would share her chocolates with me were pretty damn special.

Anyway, I just wanted to let the BLOG world know I’m surviving fibromyalgia still. I’m surviving the tumor in my back still too. One day at a time.

Pray for me that my depression subsides soon and I don’t go any lower then I already am…

Be safe folks.

Until next time…
chocolate

The Abusive Relationship of Fibromyalgia (*Some strong language*)

This is a relationship I can’t leave. I will have FMS for the rest of my life. I have nerve damage that doctors believe brought on my severe case of FMS so the future does not look bright for me getting rid of this illness.

I had to see my doctor a week ago. She increased my dose of cymbalta hoping it will help with pain. I go back in December to give her an update on how it has done. I found out I have an ear infection again too. Strange but hopefully the antibiotic will take care of that and my sinus problem.

Oh how I am dreading winter coming. I have so many bad days so far and it isn’t even winter yet! It has only been down to the 20’s and 30’s for low temps here. If I can’t handle that what will I do when it gets below zero?!? I am very concerned about this.

Fibromyalgia beats me up often. I’d call the cops but they got no remedy. Look, you have to try to have some sort of sense of humor when dealing with something so permanent and debilitating. If I didn’t try to have some sort of humor some of the time I would go nuts.

I have been having very bad headaches for over two weeks now. The headaches are the reason I went into to see my doctor in the first place besides getting refills on my scripts. They are not the same type of headaches I use to get. I have always gotten migraines. They started when I was a kid and never stopped. I have just dealt with them until I got on topamax. That medicine given to me for my tumor pain seemed to have helped with keeping the migraines at bay. Well, until now.

I was getting dizzy spells with them which was pretty scary. The ear infection seems to be the reason for the dizziness. That has subsided. I still however keep getting the headaches. They start out just bothersome. They just linger around. It feels like my entire head is in a vice and at any second someone is going to tighten it and that is when the shooting pain comes. The shooting pain brings the migraine full force. I have the lingering pain everyday. It starts usually after I have been out of bed for a couple of hours. I have no idea what is triggering this.

My doctor said if they still hung around when I came back in December she’d do a scan of my head to make sure things were ok up there. I really think it might be linked to my sinuses somehow. I’ve had problems since high school.

I weighed in there of course and almost had a heart attack! I just don’t know wtf to do about my weight. I can’t exercise due to the tumor, and the diet shit just doesn’t seem to be enough. It seems that when I hit age 30 my body said fuck you bitch the pounds are not going anywhere! I have to figure something out very soon though or I will end up in a place I don’t want to be in…a place I can’t live in…

Friends and family say things like, “You don’t look big.” Or “You’re tall and the weight looks good on you.” And “You look healthy with the weight on.”

Sometimes I feel like screaming. “I AM FUCKING FAT AND 30 POUNDS OVER WEIGHT! HOW IS THAT HEALTHY FOR MY BODY AND BACK?” but I don’t scream. I bite my tongue and say yeah I guess you are right. I don’t want to hurt them. I know they mean well. I know they probably believe the things they tell me. They just don’t understand the situation I am in. Truly they don’t get it. I don’t think anyone understands it but me. This is something I am alone in.

My husband gives me advice like, “Drink water. Stop eating candy and snacks.” That is GREAT advice but one of those I can’t take. I have changed on the snacking, chips, and candy. That is pretty much over. Water however won’t happen. I can’t drink water. I know that I should cut out the small amount of soda I drink. That will help a little I guess. It is empty calories I am taking in. I hate diet soda so I won’t switch to that. I am afraid to just stop drinking it due to caffeine intake. Without a certain amount of caffeine my headaches get worse. I drink more coffee then I do soda though.

This is a dilemma I have to get a hold on. It is really dragging me down with depression and stress. I am becoming compulsive over it.

My muscles have been burning, aching, and I wake up everyday stiff as a board. If it weren’t for my lyrica I couldn’t make it through my day. It really has been a great drug for me. If you are suffering with FMS and haven’t been given lyrica perhaps you should ask your GP to try it out. It might make your days a little easier.

I have been on lyrica for a year now and it doesn’t help completely with every symptom but it certainly has made more days easier then it was before I was on it.

Well until next time, take care and thanks for reading along.

Angel or Demon

silerimgzyasim

What is it going to take?
To mend my broken heart
To fill the void I have
That makes me fall apart
What is there to do?

When I’m all out of love…
Where is the strength I need in you?
When push comes to shove…

In the dark I dream of you
I see your face in the shadows hue
Through the window pane
I crave for your embrace
To save me from my pain

When I’m all out of love…
Where is the strength I need in you?
When push comes to shove…

Could you be the one to save my soul?
Can you be the one to come take me home?
Will you hold me tight and not let me fall?
I beg for you to save me
Take me from the insanity