It is just me again here at the keys. I have wanted to get down here to the computer to write to you for a while now. I’ve been missing you so bad lately. I miss you everyday of course but the past month or so I’ve been really longing to hear you talk. I’ve been longing to have a hug from you. I’ve been in need of some sound advice that you were always so good at giving. I have needed some uplifting words that you were so good at giving me during my serious low times.
I am at a loss with mom again dad. Sometimes when I think about what she’s doing I get so damn mad I can feel my face go flush. I don’t get it. How can she smear your memory and Eve’s memory this way? How can she be with him?! The history he has I would think she would have nothing to do with him. I mean how can she be with a man who beat the hell out of her sister for years during a marriage? Not to mention he’s a drunk. I also believe he’s a child molester. I have no solid proof of that but I STRONGLY believe that to the core of my heart. I remember all the times he tried to hug on me like he was trying to fondle me. Sick bastard. That is probably one reason you never let him visit in the house.
Mom and I haven’t ever had a good relationship as you know but this situation is really bringing out some resentment that might even be close to making me despise her. It isn’t right I know. She’s my mom and I know it hurts you to hear this from your little girl. I know you raised me to respect her and love her.
Dad, how can I when she doesn’t return any of that? She has no respect for my feelings, your memory, Eve’s memory, her other sister’s feelings, and she certainly doesn’t show any love towards me. You know the last time she called me? Let me think…Oh it was so long ago I can’t even remember. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder and was a little anxious over it. Do you think she showed any concern? No, she didn’t.
Dad, if it upsets your memory, or whatever due to the feelings I have towards mom, I am sorry. I won’t kiss her ass anymore. I know you are shocked I am talking to you in this way but we’ve always been honest with each other and I won’t lie to you now.
Mom is not good for my health dad. Seriously. The stuff she does makes me ill for days on end. I can’t take it. It is hard to talk to her knowing she is with Tom. It is getting harder not to go off on her. I am almost to the point I want to shake her. I think it’s best to just cut it off with her once again dad for my own health’s sake.
What advice would you give me about this? That is what I ask myself. What would you tell me to do in this situation? I’m not even sure what you would say to me dad. Maybe we’d fight about it. Would we agree on it? Why don’t I know the answer?
Last Saturday I went out with my friend E. We went to a great Halloween place. It was the first haunted hotel type place I had been to in over fifteen years! I had such a great time dad. We plan on going to one more place this coming Saturday. Going to this place last Saturday brought back the fond memory I have of that one year we decorated the front yard on our own. Remember how C and I built our own coffin, and made blood and all that? We might have been dirt poor but we found ways to make great memories didn’t we dad? C was a hobo that year I remember. Boy I wish my kids could have known you dad.
I hope I find a way to resolve this problem with mom for your memory’s sake. I can’t promise you anything though. I have to do what is best for my health first and foremost dad. I think you would want me to do that.
I miss you and wish I could write longer but it is late here and I have a busy day tomorrow with PTO. I’ll write again soon to update you on other family stuff.
Rest in peace dad.
Love your little girl,
Posted on Tuesday, October 21, 2008, in Death, family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal and tagged Death, family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.