Monthly Archives: October 2008
Why does life have to be so hard? Financial problems, emotional problems, physical problems, and they are getting to be too much for me.
I try to put up a strong front for my husband because I know he is vexed about his job security, our finances, our home, our medical coverage, my depression and my health. I don’t know how much longer I can pull it off though folks. I am sinking fast.
Yesterday I started getting these pains in my head as if a headache was coming on but it was followed by dizziness and blurred vision. I have no idea what it is all about. It has continued today. I called and made an appointment with my doctor but can’t get in until Nov. 5th. I wonder if it is my blood pressure? It does run in my family but I’ve always had low blood pressure so not so sure. Sinus problem? I do have awful sinuses and I smoke so could it be that I ask myself? I rule out any medication because I’ve been on all my medicine for over a year now so I doubt it be that. Wonder what is going on now with me? I guess I’ll find out Nov. 5th hopefully.
Right now as I type one of the episodes is coming on. I feel it in my head right now.
Sorry had to take a few minute break there for that to pass. WTF! It is scary when it happens. It passes pretty quickly however so that is good I guess.
I think I am going to go lay down and take a nap since my little one is getting ready to take a nap herself. Lets hope these dizzy spells end or that I find out what is going on with them soon.
Until next time…
It is just me again here at the keys. I have wanted to get down here to the computer to write to you for a while now. I’ve been missing you so bad lately. I miss you everyday of course but the past month or so I’ve been really longing to hear you talk. I’ve been longing to have a hug from you. I’ve been in need of some sound advice that you were always so good at giving. I have needed some uplifting words that you were so good at giving me during my serious low times.
I am at a loss with mom again dad. Sometimes when I think about what she’s doing I get so damn mad I can feel my face go flush. I don’t get it. How can she smear your memory and Eve’s memory this way? How can she be with him?! The history he has I would think she would have nothing to do with him. I mean how can she be with a man who beat the hell out of her sister for years during a marriage? Not to mention he’s a drunk. I also believe he’s a child molester. I have no solid proof of that but I STRONGLY believe that to the core of my heart. I remember all the times he tried to hug on me like he was trying to fondle me. Sick bastard. That is probably one reason you never let him visit in the house.
Mom and I haven’t ever had a good relationship as you know but this situation is really bringing out some resentment that might even be close to making me despise her. It isn’t right I know. She’s my mom and I know it hurts you to hear this from your little girl. I know you raised me to respect her and love her.
Dad, how can I when she doesn’t return any of that? She has no respect for my feelings, your memory, Eve’s memory, her other sister’s feelings, and she certainly doesn’t show any love towards me. You know the last time she called me? Let me think…Oh it was so long ago I can’t even remember. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder and was a little anxious over it. Do you think she showed any concern? No, she didn’t.
Dad, if it upsets your memory, or whatever due to the feelings I have towards mom, I am sorry. I won’t kiss her ass anymore. I know you are shocked I am talking to you in this way but we’ve always been honest with each other and I won’t lie to you now.
Mom is not good for my health dad. Seriously. The stuff she does makes me ill for days on end. I can’t take it. It is hard to talk to her knowing she is with Tom. It is getting harder not to go off on her. I am almost to the point I want to shake her. I think it’s best to just cut it off with her once again dad for my own health’s sake.
What advice would you give me about this? That is what I ask myself. What would you tell me to do in this situation? I’m not even sure what you would say to me dad. Maybe we’d fight about it. Would we agree on it? Why don’t I know the answer?
Last Saturday I went out with my friend E. We went to a great Halloween place. It was the first haunted hotel type place I had been to in over fifteen years! I had such a great time dad. We plan on going to one more place this coming Saturday. Going to this place last Saturday brought back the fond memory I have of that one year we decorated the front yard on our own. Remember how C and I built our own coffin, and made blood and all that? We might have been dirt poor but we found ways to make great memories didn’t we dad? C was a hobo that year I remember. Boy I wish my kids could have known you dad.
I hope I find a way to resolve this problem with mom for your memory’s sake. I can’t promise you anything though. I have to do what is best for my health first and foremost dad. I think you would want me to do that.
I miss you and wish I could write longer but it is late here and I have a busy day tomorrow with PTO. I’ll write again soon to update you on other family stuff.
Rest in peace dad.
Love your little girl,
I have so much I want to say to you. I miss our phone calls. I think about you as much as I think about my dad. I miss you badly. I’ll sit out back and look upon the flowers I’ve planted and think about how much you loved flowers and at times I have to sit there in solitude with nature and cry over you being gone. I have two special plants in my yard in memory of you. I know you loved hollyhocks so I planted a row along my house in memory of you and I also put out some mini sunflowers. I know you loved black-eyed Susan’s too so I kept the ones already planted on the side there. When I walk by all these flowers I will remember all our wonderful times I promise.
I still think of all the laughs we had Eve. You were so fun to be around and so easy to talk to about problems I had with mom. There are things I have to write to you that will break your heart most likely. It breaks my heart. H and M have nothing to do with mom now because of it all. I hardly speak to her because of it. She has no one left because of the choice she has made.
Eve, mom is seeing Tom now. She pretty much lives there. She says they are just friends but I don’t buy it. No one buys it. You probably see all this wherever it is you are. I’m so sorry Eve. I have tried to talk to her, plead with her, but I have been unsuccessful. I know you are gone but I still consider Tom your husband. I know when people die that others have to go on, but not with the sister. I just can’t accept what she’s doing.
I know that you knew I never liked Tom. I always thought he treated you like shit. You know he treated you badly for many years of your marriage and this is another reason I wish mom would just leave him alone but mostly because she is your sister. I just don’t get how she can do this.
God I miss you Eve. I’m listening to some Dixie Chicks right now. You loved them. You were right she sure does have an angels’ voice. It is so lonely at times with you gone Eve. I promise you I will carry you with me for the rest of my life like I carry my dad. I will never forget our times. I hope you are resting in peace.
Mom said she had a coat that you wanted me to have. She was supposed to have sent it but she hasn’t. I probably won’t get it. I am glad though you thought to leave me something. Eve I don’t need anything though to carry you with me. I don’t need the coat to remember you or to know how much you loved me or how much I loved you. I sure wish we had more time before you left.
I have another girl now. Yeah she is so beautiful Eve. She has my brown eyes! She has my brown hair! I named her Kylie Gayle. I think of how you loved Courtney so much. I can remember the smiles and laughter that the kids brought to you when you were here. I wish Kylie could have known you Eve. You were such a good woman. You were one of the few true honest women I’ve known in my life. I am so thankful you were there in my life. I am so thankful to have had you around. Do you know this? Did you know this before you left? I sure hope you knew this Eve.
I’m sorry that I’m crying so much right now Eve if you are looking over me. I know my tears are just pouring like a river. I can’t help it. I miss you so much!
Your funeral was beautiful Eve. H put you in the most beautiful outfit. You looked so peaceful lying there. I hope you heard me whisper in your ear as I pinned on that guardian angel. You will never be forgotten and you made me a better person being in my life. I hope you heard that then and I hope you read it now. It is so true. It does still seem like yesterday that you left even though it has been years already. That is the way it goes though I have noticed with loved ones that pass on. It really sucks but the ones left behind have to find a way to just go on day by day. That is what I do Eve.
Day by day I get my morning coffee, send my daughter to school, and I sit to drink from the cup. I think of you and all the mornings we drank cups of coffee together. Eventually I get up and just push myself to go on. Later in the day when the phone rings I think of you again. I’ll pause so cherish a memory of you and I again push myself to go on. I will write to you again. I will write to you like I write to my dad. I miss you two so much no words could even come close to explaining the void I feel with you two gone now.
I love you Eve. Keep my spot up there warm. We’ll see each other soon. Until then may you rest in peace.
Love your niece,
I am sorry to all my readers for the long break. I hit some difficult times with health and it is just so difficult to get downstairs to my office for computer time, especially when you are taking care of two girls. I love my girls so much. The oldest is 7 and the youngest is 18 months. They are absolutely beautiful I must say!
Anyway, I thought since I was able to get to the computer for some time I’d post an entry that has so long been needed.
I am almost completely finished with my perennial garden planting. It has been a very daunting task for me to get out there to plant the bulbs and plants. Doing the garden work put me into rapid numbers of fibromyalgia attacks and at times I was down for days. I’ve been fighting depression again too. I am so worried about winter coming and how it is going to affect me.
Some of you might want an update about my gall bladder surgery in June. I am doing great! Glad that sucker is out finally! I can eat most of what I want. I have a few things I have to stay away from now that my gall bladder is gone. What a traitor that gall bladder was to me!
I have not written my dad lately so that will be coming to post shortly. I have a lot to tell him and a lot on my mind. Some call it crazy that I still write to him and it will be thirteen years in March since he’s died. I don’t care though if people think it is crazy. It is very helpful for me, and my soul. I also plan to write my aunt Eve…boy with that be heart wrenching and very sad. Things I want to tell her will hurt her so…but I am sure she sees it already. She’s been gone three years now. Time flies I have noticed with loved ones lost. It is strange. One day they are here and the next thing you know they’ve been gone for ten years but it still feels as though you are stuck in the first year.
I have some things I’ve volunteered for through my daughter’s school that I am very excited about. I just hope that I’ll be able to go volunteer through the winter with fibromyalgia being a small problem. I’ve been on my lyrica now for almost a year and I’m afraid I’ve built up a tolerance to it! I am taking three pills a day sometimes when I am only supposed to be taking two 225mg capsules. I definitely have to talk to the doctor about my dosage problem.
I am going to be working on getting a new laptop the first of the year. It will make it so much easier to access my BLOG here, keep track of my PTO information, help out with my political stuff, and do my writing.
Well, it’s late here in MN so I have to go. I hope I get to post my letter to dad and my aunt Eve soon for you to read. Thank you for stopping by and hope you return again!