Daily Archives: Thursday, August 14, 2008

Etched Into Your Brain Forever

I’ve been away awhile. I’ve been trying so hard to get my backyard ready for my shipment of perennials bulbs coming next month. It is a big task that I took on. It is hard to do with my back and recently I have found out I have something wrong with the arch of my right foot! That makes getting the task done even harder. I am determined to get it done in time though. I really have no other choice. The land has to be ready.

That is not why I decided to write in my BLOG today however. I want to discuss death. Yes, some of you are probably saying to yourselves not again, or what is with this woman! LOL

Seriously though. I have been thinking so much about my aunt Eve today. She passed on some time ago but it still feels like yesterday. Doesn’t it always feel that way when someone you love passes on?

You never forget the moment you are told that the person is gone. The details of that exact moment are etched into your brain forever. You never forget who was the one who passed on the news to you either.

I was called about my aunt Eve by my cousin K. I was in my old residence sitting at my dining room table. Yep, it feels like yesterday still.

It is the same with everyone that I love that has passed on. I remember every single moment I was told and who informed me of the news. Of course the hardest was that of my dad. It’s been twelve years now, almost thirteen and it still feels so fresh in my mind and heart.

I wonder why even as so much time passes it still feels so vulnerable, so world crushing, so breath taking to think on those moments or those loved ones?

I don’t ask anymore if with time will it get easier. I know the answer to that one already. It really doesn’t. It isn’t easier by no means; you just find a way to cope through each day in order to survive. You find ways to not break down. Some people may say that is what makes it easier but for me no way. It isn’t easier at all. If anything it is harder. It gets so tiring trying to get through each and every day not being able to make that phone call you were so use to making. It gets so hard to drink that cup of coffee that reminds you of them so often. It is hard to hold back tears that are just on the verge of breaking through the surface of your eyes. It is hardest to watch things change as years pass and children come into the world and those loved ones passed don’t get to enjoy….

No, it doesn’t get easier.

I talked to my aunt Eve every single day. There was not a day that passed I didn’t talk to her. I can’t remember a day in my entire life where she wasn’t present in some way. I miss her so badly folks. I planted some hollyhocks in remembrance of her. She loved those flowers. I put them along my house and I look at them daily and think of her and long so badly to be able to call her and talk to her about gardening. I long to talk to her about a lot of things.

I will miss her today like I do every day that has passed. I will continue to miss her daily in the future. I guess I will struggle through today hoping I find a way to cope with not having her to call. I loved her so much…

I just had to write about her today. I had to tell the world how I was feeling. Thanks for listening. (Reading)

Until next time…