The Fear of Dying

Tonight I want to talk about a fear of dying I had before my previous surgery. I truly worried about dying on that table. It was the first time I can say I actually feared dying. I have never feared dying before. Even now, I’m healed and living life normally, I do not fear dying now like I did right before that surgery.

Was that to test my faith in God? I believe it was. I believe God was testing my faith in him. He took care of me like he has always done in the past. Deep down I knew things would turn out how he planned it out for me but I was terrified that I was going to die.

I had said in the previous post that I have felt death surrounding me. I haven’t figured out what that is about. Maybe I don’t want to.

My brother and I had a short conversation the other day on the phone about going to hell or heaven. He says he going to hell because of the life of sin he has lived. I told him that all sin is equal so that would mean that I could go to hell too. He said I had a better shot to getting into heaven then he does. Do I? I don’t think so…

One- I’m not baptized. Two- I take things into my temple that do damage knowingly, smoking being only one of them. Three- I do not attend church and have not for years. Four- I cuss like a sailor without worry. Five- I lack in prayer at night often.

There are five reasons for me not to make the pass into heaven. His list might be longer but every sin listed would be equal in God’s eyes. So I guess that would mean my brother and I both would go to hell.

Does that frighten me? Absolutely! It is one of my biggest worries. The problem is though I don’t take steps to change some of those sins I listed. Some I work on daily but others I don’t even bother. What a joke of a Christian I am! I guess maybe I should not call myself one.

I feel like a Christian because I feel so close to God. I really do even in my sins. I talk to him daily even if I miss my nightly prayers. I feel him in me, and around me. It is really hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced the feeling of Christ. Some will say I’m crazy and that is their right but I KNOW GOD is with me no matter what non-believers say.

I know for sure that God was with me after I came out of anesthesia for my gall bladder surgery. I felt him there. I felt a peace when I woke up that I couldn’t explain to anyone. I felt foolish being so scared of dying after it was all done and over. It wasn’t like all the other times I had gone under.

I had to have a DNC done when I had a miscarriage before and when I awoke from that anesthesia I cried out for my husband who at the time was just my fiancé. I wasn’t at peace at all.

When I had my back surgery and came out of anesthesia it was somewhat similar. I was not quite as unsettled, but I was certainly not at peace like I was after this gall bladder surgery. I am not saying God wasn’t with me those times because I believe he was or I wouldn’t have came through them both. I just didn’t have the connection I have now with him back then. It is sad but true.

I just wish I could figure out why I was so scared of dying this last time I went under for gall bladder surgery. I wish I could figure out why I feel death around me too.

I have lived a rough life up until now. I have had a lot of demons to deal with and conquer. I’ve had a rough time dealing with depression and learning how to truly forgive. Through this journey in my life it has brought me to a connection with God that I never thought I’d have. My dad told me how great it was to be so close to God as I grew up. I was a fucked up angry kid, teenager, and later a young adult that couldn’t see it. I didn’t see the big picture then as I see it now. All I could see then was the pain I lived.

I never had a relationship with my mother. Some family members sexually abused me. I abused drugs to escape. My first husband abused me. My dad was my hero, and best friend and died my senior year. I drank obsessively for years. All of that kept me away from God when in reality it should have pulled me closer to him. It made me hate him for a long time. I blamed him for all of it. It made me think that he wasn’t a loving, forgiving lord, but a lord that left his children to these abuses.

I see things so differently now. It is weird how your perceptions change, as you grow older. Will the past send me to hell? I think it will send me to hell if I don’t make things right and live by Gods rules. I have to forgive, let go, and enter into Gods arms. I’ve handled my past. Those demons are finally dead and gone.

I have to now fight the present demons that prevent me from being the Christian I want to be.

Am I afraid to die tonight? Strangely, no I am not. God bless to my readers. I’m going to go now and read a book, relax and try to not think too much more tonight.

Until next time…

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Sunday, June 15, 2008, in Death, depression, faith, health, journal, Journal Pages, life, medical, medicine, personal, Religion and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. why do you fear death ever if you know Christ? isn’t that comfort?

  2. Your guilt has been creating a hell for you.

    I think you are letting go of the past..or embracing it. You are allowing the lessons unfold.

    ~~What you are seeking lies within your own heart~~

    I feel a new positive energy here! 🙂

  3. Rebecca- I don’t normally fear death that is why it was strange to have feared it before my surgery on June 2nd. I don’t fear dying now.

    Gypsy- I’m letting go, I have to and yes you are feeling a new energy here. Many bloggers including yourself have helped me come to realize this is what I have to do in order to grow and allow my soul to truly live.

    Thank you both for stopping by and commenting- I love to see people visit and leave an opinion or thought 🙂 God bless!

  4. JO… I want to let you in on a secret… the true key to heaven is in intention… yes the acts matter, however it is the intention of the acts that carry the burden.

    “One- I’m not baptized. Two- I take things into my temple that do damage knowingly, smoking being only one of them. Three- I do not attend church and have not for years. Four- I cuss like a sailor without worry. Five- I lack in prayer at night often.”

    One… you truly feel this to be an important symbol of faith… you truly want to be among God and be baptized… that is your intention… it is good
    Two… smoking… so all the billions who smoke, do they not deserve heaven, or God? Of course they do! it is your guilt which shows your true feelings….
    Three… church… the only thing I can say is God is within, he is within the church, but more so within our hearts… your guilt reveals your true intentions again
    Four… cussing… it is vocabulary… language… your intentions behind the words are what matter…
    Five… prayer does not involve kneeling beside your bed at night… it is your dreams, desires you share with God at any time of the day… your acknowledging Him…

    Remember we are not perfect… God loves all anyway, otherwise we would not be here… remember your intentions… your actions and the underlying reasons for them…

  5. Enreal thank you for commenting. After reading what you’ve put here I have realized I have a lot of guilt to deal with and that I shouldn’t be so guilty all the time…and after reading what you’ve left, you are absolutely right, my intentions are good…but there is a song that comes to mind that was done by Randy Travis, a country star and one of the lines in the song is…

    the road to hell is paved with good intentions

    is that true? Hmm…what a nice note for my next post here…

    Until next time!


  6. hI sweetie!

    We have two sides…one side is the doubting side…this side is louder and more annoying and unfortunately it sometimes overpowers our more spiritual side, which has more common sense and keeps us calm and even takes us into spiritual realms. But, the louder, doubting side is what we use most of our waking hrs. It is the side that warns us to look out for a speeding car approaches, or when somebody is flim flaming us. That’s the side that kept you thinking about dying on the table. In a way, it possibly made you prepare for that event. Did you get all the laundry done before you had surgery? Your house in order? Dot all your i’s and cross your t’s? Some of us have to keep that side from engulfing us. I think it can lead to paranoia if unchecked in weaker people…..or make them too cynical. It has nothing to do with faith, literally. So….guess what? It’s more normal than you think. So what if you dont have the same kind of guts snake handlers do? They get bit and die too. None of us are FINISHED growing spiritually. You’re still growing like everyone else and no one is on the very same level.

    We have a lot in common…I too had my gall bladder out and I also have fibromyalgia…….very bad. I dont take anything for it, I use stretch excercises, massages, keep within my limits and recognize the limits. Overdoing makes it worse. Finding the limit is part of the problem. If you’ve always been active it takes a long time to learn to slow down to a pace you can live with. I know there is no cure so I dont want to take anything I may become dependent upon… yet. As I grow older I may change my mind on that. Who knows?

    Worrying about doing things you think you shouldnt do is not a priority. It’s the growth of the soul. I wouldnt remove myself from a friend who smokes and wasnt baptized… why would God, who is so much tremendously more, and who loves you unconditionally? God knows that wonderful person inside you that none other knows. The real you that has always been there, way before the bad things happened in life.

    I am so glad youre feeling better and the surgery helped. God Bless, and he surely does!

  7. What a wonderful comment Artist! Thank you so much. I am glad to see you dropped by. I hope all is well with you.

    God bless!

    JO aka Rachie

  8. jesus is real iv seen and felt him iv got a lot of meircals i know lots of pepale please beleave me god and jesus loves you and he want to us to pray and talk to him he died for us at least we couledsay i love you god and thank you for dieing on that cross for us ask god to give you a sighn and he will and say in jesus name i pray i promese he is real god made you not fish or a rock god made the sun moon stars and you just ask him and pray and you will see trust him he he loves you so thank you hand it over to god he will com close and hear you

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