Monthly Archives: June 2008

The Fear of Dying

Tonight I want to talk about a fear of dying I had before my previous surgery. I truly worried about dying on that table. It was the first time I can say I actually feared dying. I have never feared dying before. Even now, I’m healed and living life normally, I do not fear dying now like I did right before that surgery.

Was that to test my faith in God? I believe it was. I believe God was testing my faith in him. He took care of me like he has always done in the past. Deep down I knew things would turn out how he planned it out for me but I was terrified that I was going to die.

I had said in the previous post that I have felt death surrounding me. I haven’t figured out what that is about. Maybe I don’t want to.

My brother and I had a short conversation the other day on the phone about going to hell or heaven. He says he going to hell because of the life of sin he has lived. I told him that all sin is equal so that would mean that I could go to hell too. He said I had a better shot to getting into heaven then he does. Do I? I don’t think so…

One- I’m not baptized. Two- I take things into my temple that do damage knowingly, smoking being only one of them. Three- I do not attend church and have not for years. Four- I cuss like a sailor without worry. Five- I lack in prayer at night often.

There are five reasons for me not to make the pass into heaven. His list might be longer but every sin listed would be equal in God’s eyes. So I guess that would mean my brother and I both would go to hell.

Does that frighten me? Absolutely! It is one of my biggest worries. The problem is though I don’t take steps to change some of those sins I listed. Some I work on daily but others I don’t even bother. What a joke of a Christian I am! I guess maybe I should not call myself one.

I feel like a Christian because I feel so close to God. I really do even in my sins. I talk to him daily even if I miss my nightly prayers. I feel him in me, and around me. It is really hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced the feeling of Christ. Some will say I’m crazy and that is their right but I KNOW GOD is with me no matter what non-believers say.

I know for sure that God was with me after I came out of anesthesia for my gall bladder surgery. I felt him there. I felt a peace when I woke up that I couldn’t explain to anyone. I felt foolish being so scared of dying after it was all done and over. It wasn’t like all the other times I had gone under.

I had to have a DNC done when I had a miscarriage before and when I awoke from that anesthesia I cried out for my husband who at the time was just my fiancé. I wasn’t at peace at all.

When I had my back surgery and came out of anesthesia it was somewhat similar. I was not quite as unsettled, but I was certainly not at peace like I was after this gall bladder surgery. I am not saying God wasn’t with me those times because I believe he was or I wouldn’t have came through them both. I just didn’t have the connection I have now with him back then. It is sad but true.

I just wish I could figure out why I was so scared of dying this last time I went under for gall bladder surgery. I wish I could figure out why I feel death around me too.
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I have lived a rough life up until now. I have had a lot of demons to deal with and conquer. I’ve had a rough time dealing with depression and learning how to truly forgive. Through this journey in my life it has brought me to a connection with God that I never thought I’d have. My dad told me how great it was to be so close to God as I grew up. I was a fucked up angry kid, teenager, and later a young adult that couldn’t see it. I didn’t see the big picture then as I see it now. All I could see then was the pain I lived.

I never had a relationship with my mother. Some family members sexually abused me. I abused drugs to escape. My first husband abused me. My dad was my hero, and best friend and died my senior year. I drank obsessively for years. All of that kept me away from God when in reality it should have pulled me closer to him. It made me hate him for a long time. I blamed him for all of it. It made me think that he wasn’t a loving, forgiving lord, but a lord that left his children to these abuses.

I see things so differently now. It is weird how your perceptions change, as you grow older. Will the past send me to hell? I think it will send me to hell if I don’t make things right and live by Gods rules. I have to forgive, let go, and enter into Gods arms. I’ve handled my past. Those demons are finally dead and gone.

I have to now fight the present demons that prevent me from being the Christian I want to be.
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Am I afraid to die tonight? Strangely, no I am not. God bless to my readers. I’m going to go now and read a book, relax and try to not think too much more tonight.

Until next time…

Surgery Was Success!

I am now almost fully recovered from the gall bladder surgery. My incisions are healing fine except my belly button. I am having some issues there that will have to be taken care of by the surgeon this Tuesday when I see him for my post op visit.

I was so scared to go under this last time and I’m not sure why. I’ve been having this feeling of death around me. Maybe it isn’t me I should worry about. Maybe it is a family member back home I’m getting that feeling from. I don’t know for sure. All I know is I feel it near me, death, and it is never welcomed.

I am so glad God watched over me through my surgery and brought me back to my family here and my BLOG family here in cyber space. Thank you so much for your prayer and wishes! I’m sure they were taken into account upstairs with the big guy.

I haven’t had any issues with the diarrhea that most complain about after gall bladder removal. I’ve been doing just great in all areas. I can eat now without any worries and my pain has dropped completely out of the rib cage area, back, and shoulder. This gall bladder removal has been a blessing for me no doubt!

Perhaps in a few weeks I may have bouts of that come and go as my body adjusts to not having the gall bladder. We’ll just have to wait and see. It has only been about two weeks.

Well I just wanted to update those who were wondering how things went for me. I shall get back to blogging normally again once I get some of my yard issues done. J Love to you all. God bless!

Until next time…

If I Die on the Surgery Table tomorrow morn….

Well I want to say thank you to all that have commented here at my BLOG and I greatly appreciate the good wishes, prayers, and thoughts. I got results from my doctor and it wasn’t good.

I found out that I have gall bladder disease. Apparently my gall bladder has not worked for some time and this is some of the reasoning for my pain. I have been told that it must come out immediately.

I go into surgery tomorrow morning at 9:30am for prep and surgery begins at 11:00am. It will be an out patient procedure if everything goes right. Pray everything goes right for me please. I am a bit worried that something might happen when I get on that table.

I’ve investigated my surgeon and the hospital stats. They are great so I have no worries about them making a mistake during the procedure. However, I am worried that luck really is not on my side when it comes to health issues with me. They thought my back surgery was a simple fluid filled cyst. It ended up being a tumor instead when they finally got in there. I am worried something along those lines might happen again. That is one reason I am writing this post now.

If something does goes wrong during this procedure I want something out there that states what I want done.

IF I should die on the table for some odd reason I want things to be clear so my family will have it a little easier, I HOPE TO GOD THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN TOMORROW! In case though this needs to be posted. You never know when something can go wrong.

I want a funeral to be held in my hometown for my family to have a chance to grieve and say good-bye. Afterwards I want to be cremated. My husband can do whatever he wishes with my ashes. I want my wedding dress to be given to my oldest daughter. I want my wedding band to be given to my youngest daughter. My husband can donate my clothing to the local CAP agency when he feels the time is right if I should die during surgery. I want to be buried in my red and black pantsuit I bought from JC Penney.

What if I have to be put on life support? This is a hard subject to address. If there were a chance I could come out and not be a vegetable I would want them to give me life support in hopes I’d wake up. If by chance I would not be able to interact with my family then I don’t want to be given life support. My husband can make the final decision on whether to keep me on life support or not. I trust him that much. His decision will be final in the event this happens. No one else will have say.

I have some music I want played at the funeral if I were to die during surgery. I’ll list them here and my husband can decide the order they play them. I don’t want my entire funeral and showing to be about crying. I want my family to think of funny memories and not just sad good-byes. Some of these songs will help. I have picked a few to allow them to weep like they will want to as well.

1. The Rose- Conway Twitty
2. Through The Years- Kenny Rogers
3. Little Wonders- Rob Thomas
4. Secret Smile- Semi Sonic
5. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
6. Epiphany- Staind

All of those songs have some special connection to me. My family and friends there will get it when they hear each tune.

Now it is time to write a special message for everyone who cared about me and loved me.

Short and sweet.

Each of you has had a special place in the life I’ve lived. Each of you has had some part of making me the woman I became. I love you all dearly in the good and the bad. Don’t weep for me long. I’m in a better place where my worries are over and life’s pain is finally over. I’ve gone to join my dad, my beloved aunt Eve, and other family members I’ve loved and lost while living. Those of you who worry about forgiveness from me, I have forgiven you so be at peace, I am. I hope those who I need to ask forgiveness from have forgiven me the same. I love you and it is hard to say good-bye but life must go on for you all. That is what I want. I want life to go on for you and I want you all to live it to the fullest. Live it, as it was your last day. I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you from heaven. Oh and don’t let Jeff get away with not paying me the five bucks he owes me from a bet we made. (Smiles) Rest easy family and friends, I’m in God’s arms now. – Rachel Ann

Lets hope the surgery goes on without anything going wrong. Lets hope these things won’t have to be read out loud for many years into the future. Lets pray God holds the surgeons hands tomorrow and I awake to live life again.

Thank you all so much for reading my posts. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments and prayers. It is nice to know the good people visited my page here at word press and hopefully when the surgery is over and I heal fully I’m able to continue writing posts for you here. I’m sure things will be fine tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Just Ordinary- Rachel