Things I have to let out…the loneliness is killing me

I’ve always thought of myself as a simple person. Really though I’m not simple at all. I’m a very complex person. I’ve got several problems in my life that has an effect on me daily. I battle depression as I’ve stated before. I have fibromyalgia, and a tumor in my back. I just recently found out something could be wrong with my liver and gallbladder. Those things are just transgressions I fight daily that others might see on the outside.

People don’t hear the things in my mind daily however. They don’t feel the hurt inside my heart. They don’t see the guilt and shame I still carry today.

These things are the things that make me a complex person.

I have an urge daily to find a church. I feel a pull from God to do something. The problem is I can’t. I don’t have a car or a way to do these things. I love God. I have such a strong faith in him that I cry sometimes because I’m not a good Christian.

I cuss people at times. I smoke and think things that I should not think. I have thoughts about how life would be for my family if I were not around. There are times I’m weak and allow the depression to get me to the lowest point in the day. It passes of course but it is something I shouldn’t allow.

I think to myself, if I did find a church to go to, would I be welcomed? Would I feel right? I haven’t been in a church in years. It’s been so long I can’t even be sure how many years it’s been.

The last church I went to, I remember I felt very out of place. Everyone was smiling and talking amongst each other. I didn’t belong there. I couldn’t smile. I was in that church to heal my pain and it just didn’t happen. The people didn’t seem heartbroken at all. It was myself looking in on a gathering that was a celebration and I didn’t come to celebrate.

I pray every night and a few nights I’ve not prayed I have awoken to guilt for not praying that night. I read my bible often, and I talk with God every day too.

I have a sin I’ve committed in my past that I can’t admit to here. I’ve asked God to forgive me for that. I pray that the one I sinned against has forgiven me too. I was just a kid that was fucked up then. It was so wrong. I still carry guilt and hurt about that. This sin is one reason I feel a pull to find a church.

Other times I am angry with God. I think about my dad and my aunt Eve who have passed. I think about what they will miss out on and things they’ve already missed out on. I think to myself why go to church?

I worry constantly throughout the day. I worry about my oldest daughter who goes to school. I pray daily that she gets to school from the bus safely and returns home safely. I worry about dying before they are raised daily. I think about death just about everyday too.

These are just some things that I’ve realized make me a complex person.

I don’t have a social life outside home. It’s hard with my medical problems. I miss that a lot sometimes daily. I cry too because I don’t have friends I use to have. Other times I am so happy I don’t have the responsibility of friendships. They take more then one person may realize. I am happy I don’t have to manage energy to put into it. I am happy that I don’t have to deal with the bullshit that comes with some friendships too.

It gets lonely though you know. I get so lonely. I am lonely now. The loneliness is heavy on my heart. It makes me miss home even though home isn’t home since dad died. I fantasize about what home would be like if I rushed back there but when reality returns I see that it isn’t what I see in my fantasy. Home hasn’t been home for twelve years. My family has been broken since March 7, 1996 and there is no fixing it. Mom isn’t really mom even though I fantasize about that too.

Maybe I’m boring you all here in the cyber world with my thoughts and I apologize. I just have so much inside that I have to get out from time to time and this is one of them. There are so many different topics. There is so much hurt. I get homesick a lot but I get homesick for what use to exist before dad died. I get homesick for what was there when my aunt Eve lived. I’ve tried for so long to accept it and not hurt over it but I have not found that way yet. It depresses me badly.

I figure if I am not over my dad dying after twelve years I will probably mourn him for the rest of my life. I will probably be homesick for what was there before he died for the rest of my life too. It will be the same with my aunt Eve too I guess. I look at my phone often throughout the day wishing I could call my aunt Eve. I talked to her everyday before she died. Before I moved away from home I had seen her everyday. I miss that.

All of these things that float around my head everyday I tuck them away. I put on another face for my family. I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do. When I cry I hide in my bathroom for a few moments to hide the pain.

I would talk to my husband. Trust me, he’d listen. I don’t however because he has so much on his plate with my illnesses, the extra stuff he does around the house, his full time job, and his family problems he has to deal with too. I don’t want to depress him even more then he might already be over his own family tribulations. Not to mention his worries about my medical problems.

For the first time in my life I am 30 pounds over weight. There is nothing I can do about it either. I can’t do exercise because of my back situation. I watch what I eat but it does nothing. My medicine keeps the pounds on. I’m not gaining anymore but I just can’t lose it. I only lost two pounds in two months! This is another thing that haunts my thoughts throughout the day. It haunts me when I try to find something to wear. I try to find something nice and sexy for my husband but I am just not pleased. I feel like a blimp. That makes me feel even lonelier.

I know I am not the only one that faces these transgressions. I know that my problems are small compared to so many in the world. I feel foolish at times for letting it brew inside me. I know others are so much worse off then I. My problems are so small compared to the worlds.

I just wish the loneliness would go away. I have felt this void for twelve years now. I feel as though a part of me died when my dad died, and another piece of me died when Eve died. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so damn lonely? Why can’t I be happy they suffer no more? Why can’t I let go?

This is the core of it all. Absolutely. This is the core of the complexity about myself. It has shaped me in ways I never though possible. It has shaped the way I think, it has shaped the way I decide things, worry about things, and obsess over things too.

The question is now, how do I get to that core and repair it so that I can be a happier person?

You know I haven’t finished the work I started on The Seed Of Infidelity. I can’t. I have writers block and when I get this loneliness around me I just can’t write fiction. That is a reason I don’t finish a lot of projects I start. I lose momentum because I am just fucked up basically in my mind and thoughts.

I still think about being molested as a child too. In one moment I can almost be on the brink of falling apart when it comes to that. I battle in my mind all the time fighting. I fight to not go back there. I fight not to be that child in that moment almost everyday too.

A good example would be this:

I went out to check out a flowering tree I have in my backyard. It is a crab apple tree. The fragrance from the flowers put me back in a memory I didn’t want to be in. It was the way I cut the branch off the tree that put me there along with the smell. For a moment I had to fight not to see images in my head from childhood. It tires me people. All of it does. I get so damn tired.

I get tired of being lonely, I get tired of fighting in my head, I get tired of the guilt and shame I carry too.

I’m just tired folks. I need to talk to God now. Thank you for reading along my troubles.

About JustOrdinary

Hello my name is Rachel…around here I’m best known as Just Ordinary. I created this blog page to share pieces of my life with you, the reader, also to share my projects, and writings. This blog page I have created is a collection of realty and fiction. Not everything I write pertains to me or my life.

Posted on Saturday, May 17, 2008, in Death, depression, faith, family, journal, Journal Pages, life, personal and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. God understands… the guilt you feel is unfair… just realize it is all you, and no other. The guilt you feel I have felt. Spirituality does not come from a building or a book… they are facilitators, teachers for the young… spirituality and knowledge of God comes from with in.

    I understand you are lonely, it happens to us all. We are all prisoners to our bodies. They are the veil to the heavens. We must continue or lives and complete our destinies. We must learn, teach and share with another in order to free our minds. One day you will be free and happy. For now, KNOW you are not alone.

  2. Concur with Enreal – have been there to, I only tell you this because on the darkest of days things can be really scary… Sending you a MASSIVE hug!

    Hope Monday went ok?

    Have you read Amberfireinus blog? I find her very inspirational, got me through some really dark heavy days.

    … and my term for being different is that we are aliens, we feel more and with that we care more 🙂

  3. hugs to you!

    you don’t need to go anywhere to talk to god. god is inside you, you just need to reach out to him and search for him.

    you are not alone in your battle. god will hold your hand if you asked him too.

    you are in my prayers.

  4. My dear you must stop beating yourself up over the past. I have to battle the same inclination.

    If you can learn to live in the now that will ease your heart and refocus your thinking.

    As for a church…I so agree with enreal and romeletted you don’t need to go anywhere to find god…just go within. I know that sounds like “new age” BS…but it isn’t new age..it is “ancient age”..before religions of men.

    Can you get to a library? Start reading, that is what I did…move beyond the bible and the guilt. I hope that does not sound harsh..I don’t mean it to be so. I am just sharing my journey. Go there and the right books will appear. If you feel a connection to someone’s energy ask them what they’ve read. Google some of the words and phrases in this post. Investigate meditation! Again..the right books, information. or soul will appear. Even music can open doors in your heart (I don’t know if I could even paint without music).

    We share a loss of a beloved Aunt. Aunt Gaynell is my Aunts name. I had a “non Halmark” childhood too…my Aunt was the one that was always there for me. It does leave a void and a longing. I will not go into it now, but I know my aunt is still near..just beyond the veil. So is yours. 🙂

    I dwell in a place of depression sometimes too…though most people would be shocked to hear that. I finally embraced it…I know it will pass and I view it differently now. It is a place of silence..a place to grow. Like a cocoon..your place to strengthen your wings!

    I seldom put links on comments, but I will leave this one with you to take a peak at if you wish. It is a true story from one of my cocoon times.
    http://island11.wordpress.com/2007/11/28/the-sign/

    I am by no means a professional counselor , but I hope I helped you in some way.
    We are all on the journey my dear..alone yet together. 🙂 May you feel the divine energy that is around and within YOU and…

    ~~~FLY LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY…
    THAT YOU ARE~~~.

  5. Ps I forgot…let us know about your doctor’s appointment.

    No matter what “they” said..you hold key!

  6. I feel so connected to you. Oh how the loneliness overcomes me and the memories of me being molested haunt me to this day… neverrrrrr feeling worthy of God and not really knowing about his foreverrrrr love. EVEN WHEN WE MESS UP… DAILY. As long as we keep repenting and trying to do better he forgives. I can relate to everything u wrote. I have tryed several churches making the effort even when I can barelyyyyyy walk across the floor. In such hopessssss of someone anyone caring enough to really hear me.. My crys of the loneliness that is killing me. Like everywhere there r some few good reallll christians and manyyyyyy who havnt a clue what real christian love is. I have 0 energy and I used to b filled with love and kindness and meeting new people I thrived on… where are all of them nowwwwwwwwwww??? A so called friend I just had to say goodbye to the other day. On top of fibro chronic fatigue etc. I was in a very severe car accident in August of this year with my caregiver… just one day I was actually up to driving we were rear ended while at a complete stop. I had a neck back injury and carpul tunnel plus arthritis and now another head neck back arm and shoulder injuries etc… the why’s of God I do NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT understand… all I have is the wonderful trip to heaven to live with Jesus someday. My son who was brain damaged by my ex at age 22 months no fault of his own is still expecting me to b the same superwoman I haddddd to b. My daughter and grandchildren live with an alcoholic abusive husband dad. My ex of 19 years took all of our millions and I got the children.. They r my treasures but have not been allowed to c my daughter or grandkids in almost 8 years… I grieve daily.. My ex did his best to turn the kids against me when they were so little… he is a monster… my heartache goes on and on but I will nottttttttt give up… got to go 4 now but just wanted to say now we both have someone to understand and talk to gentle hug bonnie

  7. I am not a professional counsellor or anything.. but there is something that I would like to chip in, since I get into the same mental state as you are in. Everyone of us has something that we feel guilty of or ashamed of. But it is just what we do with it. Some of us may forget the incident, but carry the lesson – which is the wisest thing to do. Some(Most) of us carry the grief with us. But at some point of it, we have to let go of it. Sometimes in life, the best forgiveness is not from the God or the offended himself, but from the self. Whatever be the mistake you did, it does not count any more, since you have grieved enough and more.. I am not a Christian, but I do know that every religion says that conceding the mistake and not repeating is all it takes for God to forgive us. We are not God to not to make any mistake.. we are human beings, and after all, we are prone to making mistakes… so, truly forgive yourself this one time. And do remember you get to live your life only once. Dont ever waste another day in your life, grieving about anything else. You have got a very good husband to love, a nice beautiful family to cherish.. what more do you need? Let not your kids and your husband miss your love and care.. May God bless You and your family!!! I will pray to God for your peace of mind and health 🙂

  8. hi,

    i know you are going through a lot due to physical illness,
    but you have a lot to be thankful for like your husband who loves you, and your kid. You have a loving family that you can cherish.

    I guess part of your problem is
    – physical illness
    – lack of excercise
    – no social circle
    – chilhood molestation
    -passing away of your dad and aunt

    Here is how you can address these problems:
    – Physical illness : Eating healthy, praying to god, reducing stress would help
    – lack of excercise – even if you cant do major excercise like jogging or weight training, walking should do you some good, the key is to get some endorphins ( happy hormones secreting in your body)
    – no social circle – u can always volunteer for some groups , maybe they will serve as an outlet for you to discuss some of your problems.
    – childhood molestation: Unfortunately life throws some bad events to some of us, but that is in the past, there is no use thinking of that, nothing good is going to come out of it, all one can do is to be careful, and block out such memory. You were referring to the tree and the way u cut the tree that reminded you of the past, but you have to remind yourself that it was the past and you had no control of that situation. You have to forgive yourself, and stop feeling like a victim, but rather take control of your life now.

    – passing away of your dad and aunt:
    you have to accept that this is life, we all grow old and we have to pass sometime or other. Unfortunately the time is up for some of us earlier than others, so we have to make the best use of the time we have right now.

    This is how every one of us in this world are living. Every one face some problem or other in their life, it just is not apparent on the outside, but that doesnt mean we all give up. We have to fight back. That is what makes us smart in the end and this is what makes the difference.

    Hope it helps.

    Anonymous

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